


And You Could Have It All

by cucoo4cas



Series: Hurt Series [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, M/M, Or don't, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prequel, Self-Harm, Sex, This is a prequel, but this won't be nearly as satisfying if you don't read the first one i promise, domestic abuse, homeless characters, rather detailed depictions of sex, read the first one first please, trans!Luci
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-03-01 19:27:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 51
Words: 100,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2784950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cucoo4cas/pseuds/cucoo4cas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prequel to "My Empire of Dirt." This takes place three years prior. Dean and Sam are homeless, Charlie and Dorothy don't know each other or the boys, Castiel is starting college, and Gabriel is doing his best in a bad situation. Dean/Lisa, Samifer, Charthy, Gabe/Kali, unrequited Destiel TRIGGERS: Self-Harm, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Depression, Abandonment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Peace of Mind

Son of a bitch. Dean Winchester sat at a table in the back of the Roadhouse, eyes glued to the papers in his hands. This wasn't fake. This was a real thing. Holy shit.

He'd taken Sam to their monthly visit with DCFS to make sure Dean was keeping Sammy fed and clothed properly. Honestly, it was pretty easy since Dean wouldn't let anything bad happen to that kid. But today, he'd been handed a piece of paper that still hadn't been able to sink into his brain fully. Once every six months, Bobby and Ellen let Dean pretend he and Sam lived in their loft above the Roadhouse in order to skip the whole effective-guardians-aren't-homeless dilemma, but this piece of paper was going to change that. It could change everything.

Today, as they sat down with their DCFS worker, the woman asked Dean, "Do you know a Mary Winchester?"

Dean's heart had stopped for a bit. He could still remember her golden hair and her warm smile. He could still feel her arms around him, hugging him when he'd had a nightmare.

"Yeah," Dean had said, "That's our mom." Sam had been just as confused as Dean as they were given a manila envelope.

"Apparently, these people have been trying to get this to you for some time. It's a good thing you're registered with us, or they might not have gotten this to you at all," their worker had said.

Dean still couldn't believe it. Mary Winchester had been dead for fifteen years, and she was still looking out for them. A trust fund. Dean Winchester, whose luck was laughable at best, had been handed paperwork for a trust fund that had been left to him and Sam. Apparently, Dean had gained access to the trust fund when he'd turned twenty-one, except Dean wasn't actually twenty-one yet. Legally speaking, he was twenty-two, but that was just what he'd said on the documents he'd had to fill out when he enrolled Sam in school in the city. Really, he had just turned nineteen a few days ago. Still, early access to a trust fund was nothing he was going to question.

He just couldn't believe it. They'd been on the street for so long. He still needed to meet with the bank person to discuss the trust fund and how the funds would be used, but with the numbers staring back at him from the paperwork, Dean and Sam could definitely afford an apartment. They could have a roof for a change, maybe even a bed. There had to be a catch. There was always a catch. Dean just couldn't help feeling giddy, though. It didn't matter what catch there was, this could be just enough for them to have a home for the first time in a long time, and that was enough to keep a smile plastered on Dean's face. Holy shit, they could have a home.

Jo walked over to the table holding a tray full of drinks.

"Hey, handsome," Jo said, "What's that?"

Dean couldn't bring himself to put the papers away. It was just too good to be true. If he put them back in the envelope, they might vanish. How could explain to Jo what these papers were? They were his life, Sam's life. They were any chance either of them had for a future.

"I got access to my mom's trust fund," Dean said, not sure if his voice was betraying just how in awe of all of this he was, "Sam and I-we-holy shit, Jo."

Jo sat quickly in the seat across from Dean earning her some dirty looks from the patrons whose drinks she was holding hostage. "What? Are you serious? What are you going to do?" Jo asked, excited.

"We're gonna get an apartment for one thing," Dean said.

Jo asked, "Are you gonna go back to school?"

Dean had gotten his GED with the help of Bobby and Ellen, but college was a total pipe dream. Son of a bitch, he could probably afford to go to college. Maybe not go enough for a full degree, but he could still go. Holy fucking shit.

"I don't know," Dean said, "I still have to meet with the banker and go over all of this, but maybe. I mean, if there's enough money to cover everything, maybe."

Jo squealed, jumped up, and hugged Dean tightly. "This is so exciting! I'm so happy for you!" she said happily.

Ellen looked up from wiping down the bar and said, "Jo, our customers still need their drinks. Hop to it."

Jo ignored her mom and asked Dean, "Does Sam know? Is he super excited? I can't wait to see him, he's probably beaming."

Ellen slung the rag over her shoulder and headed over to give her daughter a piece of her mind as Dean said, "Sam was there when we got the papers, but I had to walk him to school right away. He doesn't know yet."

"Tell him here," Jo said, "I need to see his face."

"What's going on?" Ellen asked.

Jo picked up the drinks and hurried off before her mom could glare at her anymore.

Dean explained, "I just found out my mom set up a trust fund for me and Sam. I just got the paperwork this morning."

"May I?" Ellen asked, holding out a hand for the papers.

Dean did not want to let go of the paperwork. He didn't want to hand them over and have Ellen find a reason this was all really too good to be true. He gave the envelope and paperwork to Ellen and held his breath.

Ellen read over the documents quickly, eyes slightly widening at the trust fund amount. "Wow, honey, this looks promising. I'm happy for you boys," she said warmly.

Dean took the envelope and papers back, smiling like an idiot. This could work. This could really work.

"We can probably afford to pay you and Bobby back now," Dean said, ever conscious of the kindness the pair had done for him and Sam over the years.

Ellen laughed and said, "Don't be silly, Dean. You can pay us back by taking care of yourselves with that trust fund."

Dean hugged Ellen, not sure if words could express how truly grateful he was to them. Without Bobby and Ellen, Sam and Dean would probably have gotten separated or ended up dead. He owed them everything.

After Ellen pulled away, she asked, "How come your daddy didn't know about this?"

Dean didn't flinch. He tried not to think about his dad too often, and he could talk about him now without much difficulty. There were still nights that he'd hear that gunshot ringing through his ears throughout the night, but he was still really glad he didn't flinch. "I don't know," he said, "Maybe my mom never told him."

Ellen smiled and said, "I'm so happy for you. Glad to see something going right for a change."

Dean nodded as the Roadhouse phone rang. The clock on the wall said it was just about time for Sam to be getting out of school. Bobby picked up the phone behind the bar, said a few words, nodded at Dean, and hung up. Dean put the papers back in the envelope, fastened it, and waved goodbye to Ellen as he went to pick up Sam.

The school was only a few blocks away, but it felt like an eternity in the cold winter air. Dean pulled his jacket tighter around him, feeling the envelope inside his jacket resisting the motion. He wouldn't dare crumple the envelope, though. Its contents were much too precious.

Walking up to Sam's high school, Dean saw Sam kiss a girl goodbye. She was a little too butch for Dean's taste, but considering Sam had been with full on guys before, Dean wasn't entirely surprised.

"So, who was that?" Dean asked as Sam got closer.

Sam blushed, and it made Dean wait to pull out the manila envelope. Now, he really was curious.

"Just a friend," Sam said.

"Just a friend?" Dean said, almost laughing with skepticism, "You sure used a lot of tongue with your friend over there."

Sam rolled his eyes with an embarrassed smile and said, "She's my girlfriend. I mean, we've only been dating for a couple of days, but she's really nice."

Dean grinned as they walked back towards the Roadhouse. "Your girlfriend got a name?" he asked.

"Her name's Lucy," Sam said.

"Nice," Dean said.

"You're not going to make fun of me?" Sam asked.

Dean gave Sam a sideways glance and asked, "Why would I make fun of you for having a girlfriend?"

"Because you're you," Sam said.

Dean sighed and said, "I'm not going to make fun of you for having a girlfriend. Besides, we have more important things to talk about."

"What was in the envelope?" Sam asked quickly.

Dean laughed and said, "Just about the best thing ever, but Jo wants to see your face when you find out, so I can't tell you yet."

"Since when do you ever listen to what Jo wants?" Sam protested.

"You make a valid point, Sammy," Dean said, "But since we're already here..."

Dean opened the door to the Roadhouse, letting Sam slip inside.

Jo was busy taking an order in the back of the building near the foosball table, and Dean was just not going to wait longer. "Okay, Sam, brace yourself," he said.

Sam looked at Dean with wide eyes, swallowing anxiously.

Dean said, "It's the paperwork for a trust fund. Mom left us a goddamn trust fund."

"What does this mean?" Sam asked, his hesitant smile already hitting his eyes.

"It means we're getting an apartment for starters," Dean said.

"An apartment?" Sam asked, smile turning up to megawatt voltage.

Dean nodded excitedly.

Sam hugged Dean tightly, and it was all Dean could do not to cry right there.

They'd been on the streets ever since their dad had died four years ago, and now, finally, it looked like they'd be able to have a real home. But as it was, Dean still needed to meet with the banker, and they were still on the streets. A light at the end of the tunnel was really something, though.

Dean released Sam, who was instantly hugged tightly by Jo. They still had a few hours before they needed to get to a shelter, so Dean let Sam enjoy the Roadhouse. He couldn't believe there was a day coming that wouldn't be dictated by when shelters closed for the night. But it was, and God was Dean ready for it.


	2. Ready For Love

The bank was enormous. Sam had seen the building before, but he'd never gone inside. This place was huge. Embroidered rugs covered the floors of cushy lounge areas next to the main entrance. Sam looked up at the chandelier hanging above his head. It looked amazing, bright and shining. Everything in this place looked beautiful.

Dean scowled at the surroundings, and Sam knew exactly why. This stuff could probably feed a lot of people for a long time, and yet here it was, laying in a bank to look pretty. Sam nudged Dean, and Dean's expression softened.

They walked up to the front desk, and Dean said to the woman behind the desk, "I was hoping to see a banker about a trust fund we have here."

The woman nodded politely, giving both Dean and Sam a winning smile and a not so subtle once over. "If you take a seat in the waiting area, someone will be able to help you shortly," she said.

Before Dean and Sam could even turn around, a man in a far too nice suit said, "I can help you with your trust fund over here."

The man, Dick, apparently, looked over the paperwork and pulled up a file on his computer. "What were you thinking of using these funds for?" he asked, typing copious things into the computer.

"Rent," Dean said quickly, "For an apartment."

"In the city?" Dick asked.

Dean nodded and said, "If possible, yeah." Dick clicked a few things in the computer that made Sam really wish he could see the screen.

"The average amount of rent in Chicago right now is $1,000 per month. If you take out rent for a year, that would leave you with...$28,000 per year," Dick said.

"Per year?" Sam asked, gaping, "How many years? How much is in this account?"

"Well, strictly speaking, the account is quite large," Dick said, jotting down some numbers on a piece of paper and sliding it towards Sam. It was a large number. A very large number. Sam's heart just about stopped.

"However," Dick continued, "Our bank policy makes it impossible to receive more than $40,000 a year from any account."

"Still, $28,000 a year is enough for you to go to school," Dean said to Sam.

Sam nodded and said, "Yeah, you could, too."

"Or we could do important things with it," Dean said, "Like buying food."

Sam looked from Dean to Dick and asked, "Can I have a word with my brother for a minute?"

Dick nodded patiently. Sam pulled Dean up by his jacket and led him away from Dick's desk.

"Dean, if we have the money for you to go to school, you should do it," Sam said.

"Sam, I don't know. I don't need to go back to school. I didn't even like it the first time," Dean said.

Sam sighed and said, "I think we should both go to college. We can get jobs to pay for food or whatever. We've gotten by on less than that so far."

"I don't know, Sammy-" Dean started.

Sam cut him off and said, "Dean, think about it. This trust fund is eventually going to run out. I'd really feel better knowing we used it to go to college and have careers so none of this happens again."

Dean appraised Sam for a moment, and there was a split second that Sam swore he looked just like their father. Sam gave the look right back to Dean. He wasn't going to back down about this. Dean deserved to get an education. They'd figure the rest out.

Dean nodded and said, "Alright. Fine. The trust fund covers rent and college for both of us."

Sam grinned and walked back with his brother to the banker's desk.

A half hour later, paperwork was filled out, hands were shook, and just like that, Sam and Dean had a checking account that the funds would be transferred into on a monthly basis.

They were actually going to have a shot at this.

Sam was practically skipping on the way to school.

So much so, in fact, that he almost literally ran into Lucy. "Hey, Sam," she said, slightly flustered at the tall Winchester suddenly invading her personal space.

"Hey," Sam said, backing up, "Sorry, I didn't see you."

Lucy grinned and said, "No problem, Sam. What has you all smiley today?"

They walked over to Sam's locker as he said, "It's...umm...it's kind of hard to talk about. Tell you in free period?"

Lucy's smile quirked up delightedly. "Okay, I have to get to class anyway," she said, "See you then."

Sam dropped his bag in his locker, grabbed his books, and made sure to spin the lock a few times to ensure no one broke in. It wasn't that his bag had anything of value in it, but it did have his only tooth brush, his spare change of clothes that he and Dean had learned to get creative with so no one would wonder why Sam wore the same stuff over and over, and his library card. If he lost that bag, his life would suck a lot worse. Soon, Sam wouldn't have to worry about that, though. Soon, they'd have an apartment.

Sam was so excited that he spent both of his morning classes daydreaming, and by the time he reached his free period, Sam could not for the life of him remember anything either of his teachers had said.

Sam waved to Lucy in the cafeteria and headed over to her.

"So, about this morning," Sam said, "I have to tell you something, but you can't tell anybody, or I could get in a lot of trouble."

Lucy put her hand on Sam's shoulder and said, "You can trust me, Sam. I don't have anybody to tell anyway."

Sam grabbed Lucy's hand and led her into an empty hallway. He glanced around to make sure no hall monitors were nearby.

"I have a confession to make," Sam said, "I'm homeless."

"What?" Lucy gasped.

Sam ignored her reaction and said, "This morning, Dean and I found a way to get an apartment, so we aren't going to be homeless anymore, and I'm still really, ridiculously excited."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're getting a place, but Sam, you're homeless? How are you even in school right now? Why aren't you in the foster system or something?" Lucy asked.

Sam shook his head and said, "It's complicated. But it doesn't matter now. We're getting an apartment." Nothing could get the smile off of Sam's face, absolutely nothing. They were finally going to have a home. Maybe he and Dean could even learn to be a family again. He couldn't wait.

"Well, while we're in the sharing mood, I have to tell you something, too," Lucy said, a note of gravity present in her voice.

Sam looked at her, and for the first time that day, he saw that her hands were shaking. Her eyes were darting, too. She looked nervous if not downright terrified.

"What's going on?" Sam asked, concerned.

Lucy pulled Sam into the boys' bathroom. Now, Sam was doubly confused. "What-" he started.

Lucy said quickly, "I'm transgender."

Sam had to search his brain for the definition of that word for a moment. He remembered reading about it when he'd first realized his own sexual preference.

"So, you're a guy in a girl's body?" Sam asked. Honestly, it was just a guess. He'd never seen Lucy naked. For all he knew, she actually had male genitalia.

Lucy nodded and said, "Yeah. I...I just sort of figured it out this year. I mean, I've always felt different, but I'm definitely a guy, just, y'know, not on the outside."

That sort of made sense, actually. Lucy was pretty tall for a girl, she even had the broad shoulders of a guy. Her voice was a bit deeper than Sam had expected when they first talked, and she seemed opposed to wearing form fitting clothing.

"Well, cool," Sam said, realizing Lucy was still waiting for a reaction.

"Really?" Lucy asked, scrutinizing Sam's face carefully.

Sam smiled and said, "Yeah, it's cool that you figured that out. And it kind of makes sense."

"What do you mean?" Lucy asked.

Sam said, "It makes sense, because you're the first girl I've been attracted to in a couple of years. I'm not sure if I'd consider myself gay, but I'm definitely more into guys, so the fact that you're actually a guy, well, it makes sense."

Lucy crushed his lips to Sam's, and really, that was probably the best reaction Sam had ever gotten to coming out. Sam kissed him back, pushing him up against the sinks. Lucy flipped them around so Sam was against the sink, kissing him harder.

After a few moments, when Sam's lips were sufficiently numb, he pulled back from Lucy and asked, "So, male pronouns?"

Lucy nodded and kissed Sam again. Sam ran his hands up Lucy's back. Lucy's hands busied themselves in Sam's hair, which just felt so amazing, Sam could barely get his brain to function.

When they came up for air next, Sam asked, "Are you keeping the name Lucy, or do you want me to call you something else?"

Lucy, slightly short of breath, said, "I like my name. I mean, putting gender to names is kind of stupid anyway, but I don't know. Maybe I could go by Lucian or something."

"Lucian's a good name," Sam said.

"Nah, I like Lucy. Here, tell you what, call me Lucy, but if you ever write it down, write it with an 'I' instead of a 'Y'. That way it could be short for something masculine," Luci said.

Sam grinned and said, "Luci with an I. I like it. So, Luci, does this make us boyfriends?"

Luci grabbed Sam's hand and said, "Definitely."

Sam made a move to leave the bathroom, but Luci stopped him and pushed him up against the tiled wall, kissing him fervently. This. This was something Sam could get used to.


	3. Walking on Sunshine

Charlie walked quickly through through the busy Chicago streets. Fuck, it was cold. Winter always made her want to move south. It wasn't like she had anything to stay for anyway. Well, except for the city. She loved the buildings and the energy regardless of any wind chill factor. Still, it was freaking cold.

Charlie shoved her hands in the pockets of her cargo pants and thanked her good fortune that she'd found a sweater earlier in the week. It wasn't a winter jacket or anything, but sleeves were definitely nothing to scoff at. She hustled along, trying to decide how best to sneak onto the Jackson CTA platform.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw it. A crumpled up dollar bill wedged against the wheel of a dumpster. Charlie tried to keep out of alleys usually, but money meant food. She peered into the alley. If she got jumped, it'd be a bad day for them. It's not like she had anything to steal anyway.

Charlie hurried over to the dumpster and snatched up the dollar. It wasn't a dollar, though. It was ten. Perfect! This could pay for a full meal, maybe more if she got creative with the dollar menu at McDonald's.

She pocketed the money quickly and headed to the Jackson tunnel. Right away, she spotted a group of teenagers heading for the train. She melded into their group and hopped the turnstile effortlessly, whooping and hollering right along with them. Excited teenage tourists were the best. The CTA worker didn't even bat an eye.

Charlie flew down the steps to the Jackson Blue Line before her good luck wore off.

And there she was.

This gorgeous girl was shooting fleeting glances over her shoulders as she casually eyed the contents of each garbage can on the platform. Charlie recognized the routine. She'd eaten out of the trash plenty of times. Tourists were really the best people on the planet. They'd throw out half eaten sandwiches and nearly full sodas just so they wouldn't have to take it with on the train. Good Samaritans, really. The girl kept checking cans, but there seemed to be slim pickings.

Charlie felt the ten dollars in her pocket. She didn't even debate about it. She walked straight up to the girl and asked, "You want to get some lunch?"

The girl's eyes snapped up to Charlie's face, startled. "Oh, no, it's okay," she said.

Charlie grinned and asked, "When's the last time you ate? It's been three days for me, personally."

The girl's eyes wandered up and down Charlie's outfit. "Two days," she said softly.

"Lunch?" Charlie asked again.

The girl nodded reluctantly.

Charlie smiled and said, "Great! I hope you like McDonald's." The girl returned the smile, following Charlie off the platform and back up to the street.

"I'm Charlie, by the way," Charlie said.

"Dorothy," the girl replied.

Charlie noticed Dorothy didn't have a jacket either, so they hurried to McDonald's on the corner. The warmth once inside the door was amazing. Charlie could almost feel her arms again.

"What would you like?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy shrugged and looked at the menu.

"Okay," Charlie said, "If I ordered two singles with cheese, two orders of dollar menu fries, and two cups for water, would you have some?"

Dorothy nodded, smiling at Charlie like she'd done something amusing. Charlie approached the counter, ordered the food, made sure all of it came from the dollar menu, and managed to keep five bucks and some change.

While they waited for their food, Charlie said, "Hey, now I can afford dinner for us, too."

Dorothy shook her head and said, "You don't have to buy food for me."

Charlie sighed. "You're right," she said, "I should save the money for breakfast for us in the morning."

Dorothy looked at her skeptically. "What makes you think I'll be around in the morning?" she asked.

Charlie grabbed their food and sat down with Dorothy at a booth near a hot air vent in the back. "I'm not assuming anything, but you seem nice, and I like making friends. If you have somewhere better to be, then by all means, it was nice to meet you, and maybe we'll see each other around. And if you'd rather search the trash for food tomorrow than hang out with me anymore, I'll try not to be offended," Charlie said, "But you do seem nice, and I do like making friends especially since I don't really have any. There's a shelter up a few blocks from here that I like. If you come with me, we can get breakfast, hang out, and do whatever you want."

Dorothy took a bite of her cheeseburger and regarded Charlie for a moment. "I've never been to a shelter," she said.

"How long you been on your own?" Charlie asked. Dorothy looked at her hands for a minute, and Charlie wondered if she'd gone too far.

Dorothy said, "About a month."

"Jeez, where've you been sleeping if you haven't gone to a shelter?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy shrugged and said, "The CTA, the bus a few times, hid in a library, slept in an alley, just where ever." Desperate times led people to do all sorts of thing, but Dorothy was just lucky she hadn't been attacked. Not that that couldn't happen at a shelter, but being alone was really risky, especially for someone as gorgeous as she was.

"Wanna get your first shelter experience with me?" Charlie asked. She knew if Dorothy left to do her own thing, Charlie would be worried sick.

Luckily, Dorothy nodded and said, "You seem cool, and I'm in need of friends these days. Sure." They finished their food and enjoyed the warmth as long as they could without being hassled by the McDonald's employees. It started getting dark after a couple of hours.

"We should head over to the shelter. Don't want to get screwed out of a cot," Charlie said. Dorothy stood up with her and followed her to the door. It look horribly cold outside.

Charlie shoved her hands in her pants pockets and asked, "Ready?" Dorothy shouldered open the door, and the Chicago winter wind blasted them instantly.

"Shit, it's cool," Dorothy muttered.

Charlie nodded, doing all she could to keep from hugging herself against the cold. Her fingers were more important to keep warm. They started walking towards the shelter, teeth chattering as they went.

"Can I ask you something?" Dorothy asked with shivering breath.

Charlie nodded and said, "Sure. Anything."

Dorothy asked, "How long have you been on the streets?"

"A couple of years," Charlie answered.

Dorothy's eyes widened a little, but she didn't say anything. Charlie didn't mind being on her own. It was better than the foster system. Dorothy's lack of reaction unnerved Charlie, however. Did she think years was too long to be homeless? What was going on in her head?

Charlie's fingers started to feel numb in her pockets. She pulled her hands into her sleeves, which did not help at all. She quickly smacked her hands against her thighs to get the blood flowing again.

Dorothy said, "Here." She took Charlie's hands in hers and breathed warm air on their hands, cupping her hands over Charlie's. God, it was warm. Her hands didn't throb nearly as bad.

"Thanks," Charlie said, trying to remind herself that a beautiful girl holding her hands and smiling at her doesn't mean anything. She refused to let herself look at Dorothy's lips.

"We should-umm-" Charlie tried to say. Dorothy dropped Charlie's hands, leaving them exposed to the freezing cold, and kept walking in the direction Charlie had taken them in. Charlie was not under any circumstances developing a crush on her almost friend. It was just not a thing that was happening.

They got close enough to see the sign before Charlie realized she was a complete ass. "I should've mentioned earlier, this shelter is co-ed. Is that okay?" she asked.

Dorothy said, "Yeah, I'm fine with guys. I don't care."

"Oh, good," Charlie said, "'Cause you never know someone's backstory, and I completely forgot to say anything."

Dorothy smiled at Charlie slight babbling.

When they signed in at the door and went inside, there were still a good number of cots left.

"Where you wanna crash?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy nodded over to a couple of cots against a wall as Jodi, the shelter operator waved Charlie over.

"I'll be right back, Jodi needs me for a bit. Just grab some cots, and I'll meet you back over here," Charlie said to Dorothy.

Dorothy nodded with a small smile, and Charlie didn't doubt for a second that she'd wait for her.

Charlie hurried over to Jodi and said, "Hey, Jodi, what's up?"

"Alex and her friend can't get the DVD player to work. Would you mind taking a look at it?" Jodi asked.

Charlie grinned. She loved being Jodi's go to tech girl. "Sure thing," she said. She headed over to the DVD player. Sure enough, the AV cables were out. She plugged them back in and the TV screen came to life.

"Thanks, Charlie!" Jodi called.

Before Charlie could respond, a guy walked up to her with a cocky grin and an overcompensating leather jacket. "Charlie, huh?" he said, "Isn't that a guy's name?"

Charlie smiled innocently and said, "Well, if you called me Charlotte, I'd have to break your face."

"Well, you're certainly feisty," he said.

"I'm also certain not interested," Charlie said.

The guy feigned a look of offense and said, "But you don't even know me."

"I'm a lesbian, honey. Just quit while you're ahead," Charlie said quickly.

A kid behind Mr. Tries Too Hard burst out laughing.

The guy walked over to the kid and said, "Shut up, Sam." Charlie turned away from them to see Dorothy just a few steps away from her.

"Were you gonna kick his ass or something?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy shrugged and said, "Only if I had to."

Charlie grinned. "Oh, I like you," she said.

The kid, Sam, ran up to them, and Charlie was surprised at how tall he was up close. "Hey, I'm sorry about him. My brother's harmless, I swear. I just-oh God, that was great. The look on his face! Thank you. Thank you for that," he said.

"You're welcome for my being gay, then," Charlie said with a laugh.

Dorothy smiled brightly. And good lord, did Charlie want to know what that meant.

Sam grinned and asked, "Is the shelter operator okay with that?"

Charlie nodded and said, "Oh, yeah, Jodi is cool with it. She's super accepting."

"Oh good. I'm mostly gay, and I'm never sure with the shelters, y'know?" Sam said.

Charlie laughed and said, "Yeah, I've been there."

She looked over at Dorothy and said to Sam, "Wow, I have no manners. I'm Charlie, and this is my friend, Dorothy."

"I'm Sam," he said, giving a small, awkward wave, "And that's my brother, Dean..."

Sam called over at Dean, saying, "Who should really apologize to Charlie for being an jerk!"

Dean called back, "Or I could keep saving the cots and not get up."

"He's a ray of sunshine, isn't he?" Charlie said.

Sam said, "He gets better when you get to know him. Dean is actually a really good guy. He's just...not the best with first impressions."

Charlie wasn't exactly convinced, but it didn't matter. Dean did have a point with holding down cots, though. Charlie looked over to the corner where she and Dorothy were going to hole up, and of course, the cots were taken. Damn it. Dorothy and Sam followed her gaze.

Dorothy said, "Oh, crap. Sorry. I shouldn't have just left-"

"Why don't you guys camp out by us? There's still cots left," Sam offered.

Charlie looked to Dorothy to see what she thought. Dorothy looked back at Charlie and shrugged a little. Good enough.

"Sure, why not," Charlie said. They followed Sam over to where Dean sat with his legs propped up on a second cot.

"They're gonna sleep over here," Sam said, "Be nice."

Dean sighed and moved his feet so Sam could sit on his own cot.

"I'm sorry about...me," Dean said to Charlie, "I didn't know, and you're kinda cute, and I maybe don't think as much as I should. I didn't mean to-"

"Who is your favorite super hero?" Charlie cut him off.

Dean said, "What? Um...Batman. Why?"

Charlie said, "Batman. Respectable. We're cool."

"What?" Dean asked, confused.

"You like Batman, you apologized. I think we're okay," Charlie explained.

Dean asked, "Who's your favorite hero?"

"Catwoman if we're considering her as a heroine instead of the chaotic neutral sexiness that she is. Otherwise, I love the Flash," Charlie said.

"I don't know," Dean said, "Barry's cool and all, but there's only so much you can do with speed."

Dean knew the Flash's name, Sam seemed like a sweetheart, and Dorothy was awesome. These people were pretty cool. Charlie kept talking with Dean about comic books for a while, and had a near heart attack when Dorothy started talking about Dungeons and Dragons. This was what it felt like to have friends. It felt amazing.


	4. Long, Long Way From Home

Castiel sighed in frustration as he stared up at the concrete building. This wasn't the student center either. The school wasn't all that big, the whole campus fit within a few blocks, but he needed lunch and only one building held the food court. Castiel was hopelessly turned around. He started considering just going back to his apartment and scraping together whatever food he had in his mini fridge. Castiel shoved his hands in the pockets of his trench coat and trudged off. If only there was a map of the campus somewhere. And there was. It was in the student center. Which he couldn't find. Because he needed a map. This was ridiculous.

A visitors' tour walked by and Castiel was almost tempted to ask the guide for directions for his own college campus. Almost.

The guide said to his group, "This is the academic advising building. Pretty boring but very important. It's really smart to go in each semester and make sure everything is in order for you to graduate on a schedule that works for you. Over there, though, is also important. That's Taylor street. If you ever need a meal, Taylor has you covered. The whole block is just diners, cafes, shops, and bars. Equally as important as advising if you ask me."

Castiel tried incredibly hard not to bolt for Taylor street the second the tour guide said that. He tried not to look like he was listening in, and he tried so very hard not to jump at the thought of food. It wasn't like he was starving or anything, but he had had breakfast nearly five hours ago. His stomach would probably start digesting itself if he didn't do something.

As the group moved on to other landmarks of the college campus, Castiel walked very quickly towards Taylor. The guide hadn't been lying. Food shops galore overran the street. He walked past a sandwich shop, not at all sure what he wanted for lunch. Finally, he happened upon a bar. It was sort of small, and there seemed to be an apartment above the bar. It looked warm inside, and Castiel could already smell cheese fries. Perfect.

He opened the door of The Roadhouse cautiously and stepped inside. A group of college students surrounded a foosball table, shouting in unison at random intervals. Otherwise, the place was pretty empty.

Castiel walked over to a seat in the front corner away from the foosball enthusiasts. At least it was quieter on that side.

An older woman walked up to him with a smile and asked, "What can I get for you, honey?"

"Some water and an order of cheese fries if it's not too much trouble," Castiel replied.

The woman smiled warmly. "Coming right up," she said. She walked back behind the bar, and Castiel pulled out his notebook. It was only the beginning of the semester, and he was already behind on his notes. Latin was the worst. For a dead language, his professor really seemed to have a handle on correct pronunciation.

Before he could fully immerse himself in the world of unintelligible syllable emphasis, a blonde girl sat down across from him, looking at him curiously. "Hi," she said, "Mind if I join you?"

Castiel shook his head but kept reading his notes. The information had made no sense when he'd written the notes and even less now that he was reading them.

"You go to the college?" the girl asked.

Castiel looked up and nodded.

"Cool, we get a lot of the college students in here," she said, "What class is that for?"

"Latin," he said.

The girl laughed for a moment and then said, "Wait, you're serious? You're taking Latin? Why?"

"Language requirement," Castiel said.

The girl looked at him for a long, uncomfortable moment, and he returned his gaze to his notes in order to avoid her stare.

"You're really quiet," she said.

"Well, I don't know you, so..." Castiel replied.

She sat up straighter and extended her hand across the table formally. "My name's Jo," she said.

Castiel hesitantly shook her hand. "Castiel," he replied.

Jo grinned. She said, "Well, I'll definitely remember that name."

He lowered his eyes back to his notebook. His name was always a source of contention. Jo was certainly not the first to think it was weird, and she certainly wouldn't be the last. Apparently, naming him Castiel had been his mother's idea, but when she died giving birth to him, his father hadn't had the heart to ignore her wishes. Castiel liked his name even if it was a little weird, but it still was a bit embarrassing when others didn't feel the same way.

"It's kinda cool. Castiel. You're like a sci-fi character or something," she said, smiling.

He laughed a little at that.

"So, why are you sitting all on your own in here when you could be playing foosball with everyone else?" Jo asked.

Castiel shrugged. "I've never been in here, I don't really know them, so I figured I'd just sit over here and study," he said.

"Oh, am I interrupting you? I didn't even think, I just kinda sat down, and-"

"No, no it's fine. I'm deplorable with Latin. Your presence isn't going to change that."

"Why are you taking Latin, again? I get the foreign language requirement, but that still seems really off the wall," Jo said.

Castiel sighed and said, "I'm a History major, so it goes into the Classics part of my degree, but I also figured there'd be no oral presentations or anything since it's a dead language."

"There are oral presentations in Latin?" Jo asked.

"No, but my teacher still grades our pronunciation."

"That sucks."

The woman who had taken Castiel's order came over with his cheese fries and water. She shot a look at Jo and said, "Don't you have something else to be doing? Like working? I've got at least two rounds of drinks waiting at the bar."

Jo grinned and hopped up. "Well, it was nice meeting you, Castiel," she said. The other woman walked back to the bar.

Castiel asked Jo, "Wait, you're twenty-one?" She didn't look like she was even in her twenties, but Castiel had always been a bad judge of these things.

Jo said, "To anyone that asks, yes, I'm legal. I'm actually seventeen, but my mom and stepdad own the place, so they let me work anyway. Just, y'know, can't be on the clock if the cops show up."

Castiel nodded and was vaguely concerned that she was working illegally, but Jo didn't seem too bothered by it.

Just as Jo walked away and Castiel turned his attention back to his notes, his phone rang. The universe did not want him to learn Latin apparently. Castiel pulled his phone out of his trench coat. It was his dad.

"Hey, dad," Castiel said, answering the call.

His dad said, "Hey, kiddo, how's school going?"

"Oh, it's going okay. It's only been a couple of weeks, but it's been good."

"How's the apartment treating you? I feel like I haven't asked enough about how you're living. You're still eating and locking your doors and everything, right?"

"Yeah, Dad. And the apartment's fine. It gets a little drafty around the windows, but it's nice having my own place," Castiel said.

His dad chuckled and said, "Enjoying your independence. Nice."

"How's work been going?" Castiel asked.

His dad sighed. "It's been slow. I'm going to have to pack up and head to another town soon," he said.

Castiel's dad was a salesman. He'd sell appliances to companies or door-to-door if things got really tight. He was actually pretty good with words, and he did sell a fair amount of inventory, but it meant that he moved a lot. So much so that Castiel had gone to twelve different high schools.

"Of course, I'll call when I get to the next town," his dad said.

"Oh, yeah," Castiel said, "Of course."

An awkward silence formed on the line. Castiel and his dad had never been particularly close, but his dad was all he really had. At the same time, bonding over the phone was incredibly hard when nobody knew what to say.

"Hey, dad?" Castiel said.

His dad replied, "Yeah?"

"I'm glad you called," Castiel said,"But I've got to go. Studying for classes and stuff."

His dad said, "Yeah, I probably shouldn't distract you. I'll check in later this week. Good luck with your classes."

Castiel hung up his phone and pocketed it, returning to his fries.

After he finished his food, he grabbed his notebook and headed for the door.

"See you around, Castiel," Jo called, giving him a wink.

He'd never been good at making friends. Always on the move with his dad, he never had the need to form any attachments. Now that he was so far from his dad, from the only home he'd ever known, maybe it made sense to make a friend.

Castiel smiled at Jo and walked outside. He might be on his own now, but maybe he wasn't as alone as he felt.


	5. Sugar, We're Going Down

Gabriel dodged his dad's fist as it collided with the wall next to his head. Let's face it. Gabriel had this coming. He'd stayed out a bit too late, and honestly, he knew this was going to happen. Still, the looks of fear on his brothers' faces made Gabriel try to fend the old drunk off.

"Dad, stop!" Gabriel shouted, ducking another blow.

His dad bellowed something incoherent and lunged for his son as Gabriel danced out of reach.

If his brothers weren't watching, Gabriel would've let his dad catch him. His dad's angry fists would just tell Gabriel something that he and everyone else already knew, that he was completely worthless. The fact that his dad was even wasting this kind of energy on the likes of him was almost flattering.

Gabriel narrowly avoided a flat palm slap to the side of his head.

There was a small part of him that still remembered his dad's smile. He hadn't seen it in years, but he could still see it if he tried hard enough. There had been a time that his dad loved him. Then, his mom left, his dad started drinking like a damn sailor, and Michael, Raphael, and Gabriel had learned right quick to keep out of his dad's way and avoid punches when necessary. No point in dwelling on the past. That loving father of his was long gone.

Gabriel's dad grabbed his shirt in a sweaty fistful and slammed him up against the wall, knocking a picture frame askew.

"You ungrateful, stupid, spoiled son of a bitch," his dad snapped. Gabriel looked to where his brothers had been. They had gone to hide somewhere. Good. He didn't need an audience.

"You really gonna talk about Mom like that?" Gabriel teased. He knew what was coming. It didn't matter, he needed this. His dad punched him hard in the solar plexus, knocking the wind from Gabriel's lungs. He slumped to the floor, blinking back the fuzzy edges of his vision. The pain helped clear his head a bit.

"You should've died in the womb," his father spat.

Sometimes, Gabriel wished he could've granted his dad that. He couldn't even argue with his dad. It was true, Gabriel should be dead. He was a waste of life, and anyone who felt differently clearly didn't know him that well. But he needed to keep this going.

Gabriel took a breath and got back on his feet. "But what would you do without your favorite punching bag? Being a decent human being seems a bit beyond you," he replied.

His dad lunged at him again, but Gabriel caught his shoulders and shoved him back. He needed to wear the guy out a bit, so he wouldn't go after his brothers when Gabriel wasn't looking. As much as his brothers aggravated him, he needed to at least try to protect them. Michael wouldn't stand up to their dad, even if he was the oldest, and Raphael more often than not would hide in his room and delude himself into thinking his family loved him and functioned like anyone else's. They were no help and were often open targets for their dad's drunken rages.

But this was Gabriel's job, right? Look out for his pain in the ass brothers? Gabriel was the only one who'd fight their dad, he was the only one who wouldn't cry or scream, and he was the only one that deserved every punch his dad dealt.

Before Gabriel knew what was happening, his dad swept his legs out from under him, Gabriel's back crashing painfully against the hard wood floor. He groaned loudly in pain. Fuck. That was going to bruise badly. Gabriel blinked rapidly, trying to clear his dazed vision. He needed to see where his dad was.

His father's hands wrapped around his throat, closing his windpipe. Gabriel tried to cough, gasping for breath and swatting at his father's arms. It was useless and pointless. Why should he even try to save himself? He was better off dead anyway.

Waking up took effort, dying would be a relief.

There was nothing left to look forward to except the passage of time so he could maybe one day have the ability to look in the mirror and feel something other than regret. Maybe if he was dead, he'd finally be able to feel again, to care about something again.

He tried for another gasp of air to no avail. He wouldn't have to watch everyone be happy while he did the best he could to play along, pretend it wasn't all just some sick facade.

Another gasp. His father's hands tightened, his vision swam. Maybe this was it.

But this had happened before, and it was never the end. It never ended. Gabriel just kept on living and fighting and feeling nothing, and this would be no different. He had to protect his brothers, he had to keep his father alive. Dying would be quitting, and he didn't have that fucking luxury.

Gabriel balled a fist and swung it at his dad's head as hard as he could. Given his oxygen deprivation, it wasn't enough strength to do much damage, but his father jumped away, holding his head in pain.

Gabriel coughed and breathed in as much oxygen as he could. He rolled onto his hands and knees. His chest protested his breathing painfully. Fuck.

Gabriel's dad shouted, "You can go to fucking hell."

He braced himself for another blow or more strangling, but it didn't come. Instead, the front door slammed as his father stormed out.

Normally, Gabriel would go after him, pull him into an alley, let him go a few more rounds, and carry him home. It was better than letting him get into a bar fight. But Gabriel could barely stand, let alone keep fighting. He got up, leaning heavily on the wall, trying to get his breathing under control. He should've gone after his father. Who knew what mess his dad would get into out there in his state?

And it would be Gabriel's fault.

He should've kept him reined in. He should've locked the door, so he couldn't get out and hurt someone else. Really, what else was new? It was always Gabriel's fault. He'd caused this. He'd provoked him. If he'd cared more about himself, he would've come home on time. He knew his dad didn't like them staying out late. He knew it reminded his dad of his mom walking out. He knew what was going to happen. If he was a better person, he would've come home on time. He would've given a shit about his brothers for once, and been there when he needed to fucking be there.

Fuck everything.

Gabriel trudged over to Michael's room where he and Raphael always took refuge at times like this. He knocked on the door twice and tapped once. It was their signal that it wasn't their dad trying to get in.

Michael opened the door and let Gabriel in.

"Are you guys okay?" Gabriel asked.

Michael nodded slowly, refusing to meet Gabriel's eyes. Raphael nodded as well, silently staring at Gabriel's neck. There were probably finger marks. Great.

"He left," Gabriel said, "I'm glad he didn't get you guys too bad." Michael opened his mouth to say something but seemed to think better of it. For a second, Gabriel thought his brother might actually say something to show he cared. That'd be the joke of the fucking century. If Michael did care, he didn't show it. And if he ever did show it, Gabriel would never believe him. He wasn't worth the effort anyway. Why would anyone care about Gabriel when he didn't even care about himself?

Gabriel retreated to his room where a stack of homework waited for him. His hands were still shaking from the fight, his knuckles still sore from throwing punches.

He'd stop shaking in a few minutes. He'd finish his homework, he'd stay awake until he heard his dad come home, then he'd go to school the next day with some story about getting mugged in order to explain the bruises. Everyone would pretend to be concerned, and he'd pretend to laugh it off. Then, they'd play some foosball, and he'd go home, get thrown around a bit by his dad, check on his brothers, do some homework, and do it all over again.

Gabriel put his head in his shaking hands as he sat on the edge of his bed. He just wanted it to be over.


	6. Workin' Man

Dean walked down the street with his hands in his pockets. He had no idea what he was doing. Apartment hunting didn't seem like it was that complicated, but he didn't even know where to start. The signs that read "Apartments for Rent" that he passed all the time actually stuck out to him. It was really kind of weird.

But where should he even look into living? Did it matter? He supposed it should be closer to Sam's school, but even if it wasn't, they were pretty used to walking everywhere anyway. What the hell even were amenities? Did it matter if they had one or two bedrooms? Wasn't space just space? What was cheaper, gas or electric?

So, Dean decided to just walk around the city and see what apartment building stuck out to him. He had no clue what he was doing. It didn't matter to him if the place had windows. A roof was good enough. Maybe he should've waited for Sam before going on this quest. What if Sam wanted his own room? Dean sort of wanted his own room, but he had no idea how much that would cost. A studio would be fine if that's what they could afford. He should've asked that banker more questions. Finding an apartment shouldn't be so complicated.

Dean kept walking, glancing at the giant steel and glass buildings that loomed above him. Every building he passed was nicer than anything he and Sam had ever had. Did it matter? A gentle breeze blew his coat open a little, but Dean didn't mind. For January, it was a surprisingly warm day. The temperature had stayed just a few degrees below freezing, and the sun shining steadily made it feel almost balmy. Anyone from Florida would be shivering their asses off, but Dean almost felt like taking off his coat and enjoying the nice weather. Almost. At least the wind chill hadn't made the temperature negative yet.

On days like this, Dean didn't mind not having anywhere to stay. Ellen and Bobby were always good to them, and if the sun was shining, Dean could occasionally trick himself into thinking everything would be okay. He took a deep breath of the cold city air, and he knew he and Sam had made the right choice deciding to settle in Chicago.

Getting to the city hadn't been easy. They'd had to hitch hike from South Dakota when their dad had died. They'd spent plenty of nights just walking by the roadside. It had sucked, and Sam hated talking about it, but it had been kind of nice spending so much time with his brother. They'd just started being brothers again when John had died, so being together on the road, hopping from town to town with whoever would take them had been more brotherly bonding than they'd had in a long time. Once they got to Chicago, both of them were tired of running. It had just been a good fit. And now, here Dean was, walking along the city streets, actually looking for an apartment.

It still felt incredibly surreal. They'd have their own place for the first time ever. Assuming, of course, that Dean could actually find a place for them.

Eventually, Dean found himself walking along Lake Shore Drive. The luxury apartments stood tall along the lake, and Dean chuckled to himself. There was no chance in hell that he could afford one of those, with or without a trust fund. Where was he even going? Why had he wandered out to the most expensive part of the city? He'd have to keep apartment hunting with Sam later.

The wind off of the beach felt nice. It was fucking cold, sure, but the air was gentle, not being amplified and funneled through the Chicago skyscrapers. After a few minutes, he decided to head back towards the Roadhouse and Sam's high school. It wasn't like he had the money for public transportation, so he needed to give himself plenty of time, or he'd be late for meeting up with Sam after school got out.

The return walk was just as nice as the walk he'd started out on. Nice breeze, sun streaming steadily, everything felt it was going to be okay. It was a pretty great feeling. He just needed to figure out how to do the whole apartment thing, but Sam could help, he was the smart one anyway. They'd figure it out.

As Dean walked up towards Jackson, he saw her. She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. All black and sharp features, she was gorgeous. She wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but she just needed some serious TLC. Dean would've given an arm and a leg to be the one to help heal that gorgeous goddess of a car.

"You know, kid, a picture'd last longer," a guy said, approaching him.

Dean swallowed and said, "Sorry, it's just a really nice car."

The guy laughed. "Maybe it used to be. That car is nothing but scrap, dude," he said.

"Says who?" Dean countered.

The guy extended his hand and said, "The name's Rufus. I run this place, and I own that car. Trust me, it's junk."

Dean shook his hand. "Well, Rufus, I have to disagree. That, right there, is perfection on wheels. She just needs some work and love, but she can purr, I can tell," he said, "I'm Dean, by the way."

Rufus smirked. "You think you could fix up that beater? That's cute, kid," he said.

Dean replied quickly, "Oh, I know I can." Okay, so maybe he was bluffing, but he did know his way around a car, and that car...it wasn't just scrap. There was so much potential sitting in that metal. He could see it, and it was almost irritating that Rufus didn't.

"You know what?" Rufus said, "I could use someone like you around here. Not many people have the guts to bullshit to my face. Need a job, kid?"

Dean stared at Rufus, stunned. "What?" he asked. None of what Rufus said made any sense.

Rufus grinned and said, "I like you. You clearly care about that car even though you haven't seen how bad it is. I have a vacancy, I need some part time help, and I'll let you work on that hunk of junk all you want as long as you're off the clock. If you've got experience working on cars, you're hired."

"I worked on my Dad's 1986 GMC Sierra Grande all the time as a kid," Dean said, trying desperately not to think about that car or his dad. He remembered the slashed tires, he remembered his dad sitting in the driver's seat loading that damn gun.

Dean shook himself from his thoughts and said, "I'm good with cars."

"When's the last time you worked on a car?" Rufus asked.

Dean looked over at the gorgeous husk of an Impala and admitted slowly, "It's...it's been a while."

Rufus smiled and said, "Why don't you come on inside and meet Benny? The job's yours if you want it, and if you can't keep up on account of being rusty, Benny'll help you out."

"I'd love to work for you. Thank you, sir," Dean said.

Rufus caught Dean with a hard glare and said, "Boy, if you call me 'sir' one more time, you'll be fired before you get through that door. C'mon. Calling me 'sir.' How old do you think I am, man?"

Dean kept his comments to himself and followed Rufus inside.

"Benny!" Rufus called.

A guy about Dean's age popped his head in through a door that presumably connected to the garage.

"Come here for a second, need you to meet somebody," Rufus said.

Benny walked over wearing a tough canvas jacket and an old newsboy hat. "Fresh meat?" he asked with a low southern drawl.

Rufus nodded.

"Name's Dean," Dean said, extending a hand to Benny.

Benny gave Dean a once over, grinned, and gripped Dean by the forearm. "You'll do alright," he said.

Rufus said with a laugh, "Dean here has grand delusions for that piece of crap out back."

Benny gave Rufus a confused look. "The Impala?" he asked.

Rufus nodded.

Benny laughed heartily before saying, "Boy, you've got your work cut out for you."

Dean decided not to comment. He knew the car had some serious potential, but he hadn't looked under the hood yet. He may have bit off more than he could chew.

"Why don't you introduce him?" Rufus suggested.

Benny motioned for Dean to follow him into the garage. Through the garage and in the back lot sat the broken down Impala.

"Go ahead, get a good look," Benny said.

Dean walked up to the car. The paint was chipped, several parts of the car were rusting badly, but that was just surface stuff. Dean popped the hood, and his jaw nearly dropped. Several parts were gone, others were rusted beyond recognition. Cobwebs covered the engine block, and if a moth or two flew out, Dean wouldn't have been surprised in the slightest.

He dropped to his knees and crawled under the car. The bottom of the car was not much better. The brake lines were severed, other parts looked like maybe the car had been set on fire at some point. Everything was covered in rust. Shit. Several parts would need to be replaced. Everything else needed to be buffed, polished, flushed, tuned. It was too late for Dean, though. He'd already given his heart to this beautiful girl.

Dean scooted out from under the Impala and smiled at Benny. "You think Rufus'll give me a discount on parts?" he asked, grinning.

Benny shook his head in disbelief, and Dean heard Rufus laughing inside. It didn't matter. Dean would save this car. It may take a while, but he'd get her back to her old self.

Benny said, "C'mon. Let me show you the rest of the place."

Dean followed, letting Benny show him the ropes, but he'd be lying if his mind wasn't completely stuck on the gorgeous lady he'd be spending so much of his time with.


	7. Can't Fight This Feeling

Sam stood outside his school, waiting for Dean. Where was he? Luci had stayed behind to keep him company and entertain him, but he had to get home sometime.

Nearly forty minutes after class got out, Dean jogged up to the school. "Sorry I'm late," he said between heaving breaths. It was clear he'd been running.

"Does this mean you found an apartment?" Sam asked. Dean scratched the back of his head in a gesture that gave Sam all the answer he needed.

"Walk and talk, huh?" Dean said, heading towards the Roadhouse.

Sam followed along and asked, "So, what happened?"

Dean said, "Good news and bad news. Bad news is I didn't find an apartment, so we'll need to go look together tomorrow and Sunday. Good news, though. I got a job."

Sam's eyebrows shot up. He knew Dean had been looking for a job for some time, but he'd had no luck for years. Mostly, they got money by hustling pool. Dean had pretty much given up job searching and had resorted to more survivalist priorities. Sam was beyond surprised by the news.

"Really? Where?" Sam asked.

"Rufus' garage," Dean said, "It's a small car place off the Jackson stop. It's pretty cool, and there's this car...it's a bit of a mess, but I'm gonna fix her up."

Sam smiled. The way Dean's eyes lit up made Sam happy for his brother. It wasn't often Dean let himself enjoy something, and it seemed like he was really excited about this job.

"That's great, Dean. I'm proud of you," Sam said.

Dean looked at Sam, clearly uncomfortable with the sentiment. He glanced away as if looking for a distraction and seemed to find one.

"Hey, aren't those the girls from the shelter the other night?" Dean asked, nodding towards the alley they were passing. Sam looked down the alley and saw Charlie and Dorothy slowly poking through the garbage cans.

"Hey, Charlie, Dorothy," Sam called.

The girls looked up, slightly startled.

"You hungry?" Dean asked.

Charlie and Dorothy walked over. It was crazy cold out, and neither of them had coats. Sam shrugged off his jacket to offer it to them, but Charlie waved him off.

"Hey, guys," Dorothy said.

Charlie said, "Hungry, yes. Curious about what you know and I don't, definitely."

Dean said, "We have some people you should meet. They feed us all the time."

"Four mouths aren't the same as two, Dean," Dorothy pointed out.

Sam motioned for them to follow and said, "Bobby and Ellen will be cool with it, promise."

In no time, the four of them stood behind the Roadhouse. Sam knocked on the door. He wondered what Ellen and Bobby would think about Luci if he ever brought him by.

Ellen opened the back door and smiled at Sam. Her eyes snapped up to Charlie and Dorothy. "Oh my God, come in. It's freezing," she said.

Once everyone was inside, Ellen asked, "So, are you guys...together?" gesturing between Dean, Sam, and the girls.

Dean said, "Ha, no," as Dorothy shook her head, and Charlie and Sam said, "Uh, no, we're not...we don't..." in near unison.

"Okay, okay, nobody pull a muscle. I was just wondering. So, how do you all know each other?" Ellen asked.

Sam said, "We met them at a shelter. They're pretty cool for street kids."

"You're not so bad yourselves," Charlie said, nudging Sam in the shoulder.

Ellen said quickly, "Would you excuse us for a minute." She pulled Dean and Sam by the arms into the kitchen. "What's wrong with you boys? They're homeless, too? Letting those girls be out there with you two without jackets. Why didn't you tell us about them sooner?" she snapped.

Dean held up his hands in defense and said, "We just met them the other day. We didn't know-"

Charlie walked into the kitchen with Dorothy.

"If we're in the way, we can go. It's not a-" Charlie said.

Ellen shook her head and rushed over to the girls. "No, no, no. That's not what I was-"

Bobby walked around the corner with four bowls of leftover stew on a tray. He handed the tray to Sam and said, "She was yelling at these idjits for not introducing you sooner. Now, take this to a table and eat."

Charlie smiled gratefully.

Sam opened the door with his back and led them out to a booth. "See, I told you they'd be fine," he said.

Charlie and Dorothy beamed at him, both taking bowls of stew. It felt good to help them, and they were also pretty cool. If Sam and Dean didn't have such a lack of organization in their lives, Sam would have no problem asking the girls to stick with them.

After they ate, Charlie looked over at the foosball table and asked, "Anyone up for a game?"

Dean hopped up and said, "You're on, Charles."

Dorothy and Sam stayed at the table, relaxing.

"So, are you two...?" Sam asked.

Dorothy shook her head and looked over at Charlie. "No, we're not dating or anything," she said, "But she is pretty cool, isn't she?"

Sam smiled. They would be pretty cute together.

"Yeah, you're both pretty great," Sam said, "If you guys ever need anything, Dean and I tend to hang out here a lot, and Ellen and Bobby give their leftovers to whoever needs them, so they'll keep you fed."

"Thanks, Sam," Dorothy said, smiling, "It was really kind of you guys to invite us here. Thank you."

"Well, what are friends for?" Sam said.

Dorothy gave Sam a warm look and slowly stood up. "I'm going to watch them play. Want to come?" she asked.

Sam shook his head. "No, I'm fine," he said. If he went over to the foosball table while Dean was playing, he'd get roped in and wind up owing his brother money or favors or both. No need for that.

Jo wandered over to the table as Dorothy left.

"So, who are the newbies?" Jo asked.

Sam said, "Some new friends. You'd like them."

"Oh!" Jo said, excited, "I almost forgot. I made a new friend! I wanted to tell you. He's pretty awesome, and I'm like 75% sure he's gay."

"Jo..." Sam said.

"Well, you said you were gay, and this guy's really nice, I swear. He's a sweetheart, but he's really shy," Jo said.

Sam sighed and said, "Jo. I may be mostly gay, but you really don't need to hook me up with anyone."

"What do you mean 'mostly gay'?" Jo asked, "I'm honestly curious, because I really don't want to be offensive or anything."

Sam took a deep breath. It was a long story. He tried to keep it as short as he could when he said, "I used to be interested in girls. I had two girlfriends in elementary school, actually. I considered myself bisexual for a while, but I'm not really attracted to girls anymore, so that would make me gay, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of being interested in girls later, so I identify as mostly gay. It's complicated."

Jo nodded, seeming to understand. "Are you sure you don't even want to know the guy's name?" she asked.

Sam shook his head and said, "No, I actually have a boyfriend."

"What?!" Jo said excitedly, "Who!?"

"You don't know him," Sam said, "But he goes to school with me, and he's amazing."

"What's his name?" Jo asked.

"Luci," Sam said.

Jo gave Sam a confused look.

"He's trans," Sam said, "It's complicated."

Jo grinned and said, "Well, at least you can be complicated together. I'm happy for you."

Sam could feel the blush creeping up his face.

"You want to do some karaoke?" Jo asked before Sam's silence got awkward.

"I'll watch you do it if you want," Sam offered.

Jo grinned impishly and said, "Oh, you'll sing, too. C'mon."

Sam got up slowly and followed Jo to the karaoke machine hooked up to the tv in the corner. He'd honestly never seen anyone but incredibly drunk customers use it, and even then, those times were few and far between.

Jo's enthusiasm was pretty infectious, though. Soon, Charlie and Dorothy were clapping along as Dean and Jo sang some REO Speedwagon tunes. Sam rocked the microphone a couple of times, even being joined by Dean once to perform an incredibly off key duet for "Wanted Dead or Alive." Charlie sang a few songs, and the look she gave to Dorothy made any doubt that they were perfect for each other disappear from Sam's mind. It was an amazing time.

Eventually, Jo looked at the clock behind the bar and asked, "Hey, umm, I love you guys, but don't the shelters close soon?"

Sam looked at the time and swore under his breath. The shelters closed about an hour ago. They'd probably have to huddle up in an alley again. Fuck.

Dean shot an apologetic glance at Sam. It wasn't his fault they didn't have a place. Even if he'd found them an apartment, no one got to move in that day. There was usually a waiting period, or at least, that's what he'd read.

Bobby locked the front door, and for the first time, Sam realized the customers had all dwindled out.

Bobby said, "You all can stay here for the night. Just don't tell anybody. It's ten kinds of illegal to let y'all stay in here."

Dean said, "Thanks, Bobby."

"It's no trouble, just get on that apartment hunting, boy. Don't want you kids on the street forever," Bobby said.

Dean nodded.

Sam gave Dean a reassuring gaze. He knew that Dean felt a lot of pressure to find the place, and he knew he was making it all his responsibility, but he just didn't know what he could say to make Dean understand that this wasn't all on him.

Jo said, "One more song, and I'm off to bed."

Charlie ran up to the microphone. "I demand we all sing Kansas!" she said.

"Kansas?" Sam asked, "Really?"

Dean and Dorothy said in unison, "It's a classic." They smiled at each other, and Sam rolled his eyes. He had nothing against Kansas, but for a last song? Really? They queued up "Carry On My Wayward Son." Charlie and Jo shared the mic as the rest of them belted it out without needing screens. It was more fun than Sam had had in a long while.

"Another one?" Dean asked after they were all grinning and breathless from screaming the lyrics. Everyone agreed including Jo.

In the morning, Sam awoke on the ground next to the foosball table. He rolled over and saw Charlie and Dorothy curled up, sleeping soundly underneath the foosball table. Sam sat up quietly, trying not to disturb the girls. He found Dean sprawled out at their booth and drooling slightly. What a little angel.

Sam kicked Dean's boot, startling his brother awake. The look on his face was worth whatever retaliation was waiting for him later. Apparently, Jo had fallen asleep behind the bar, which was a little hilarious since she had a bed just upstairs.

Before Dean and Sam could consider leaving, however, Ellen came out of the kitchen with freshly made french toast. "Eat quick," she said, putting the platter down on the bar, "I do have to open this place sometime."

Charlie and Dorothy came over, awoken by the smell of breakfast.

"These people are the best," Charlie said, grabbing a slice.

Sam nodded.

After they ate, Bobby opened the front doors, and Charlie tapped Sam on the shoulder. "Do you guys want help finding an apartment?" she asked, "I kinda know my way around apartment ads if you need some help."

Sam looked at Dean for his opinion and saw his expression mirrored in Dean's. Sam shrugged.

"Sure, Charlie," Dean said, "Thanks."

Sam asked, "Dorothy, you wanna come, too? I'm sure it'll be easier with all hands on deck."

Dorothy nodded as Dean said, "Yeah, the more the merrier."

As they headed towards the door, Ellen hurried over to them. "Hold it. Stop right there," she said, "You can't leave yet."

The four of them looked at each other, confused.

"Alright," Bobby said, coming downstairs, "Here you go. Good luck, guys." He handed each of them a pair of gloves and gave Charlie and Dorothy what Sam recognized as two of Jo's old coats.

Charlie slipped the jacket on and hugged Bobby tightly.

"Thank you," Dorothy said, zipping her new coat up.

A few customers started trickling in as Dean pulled his gloves on. "Bobby, Ellen, you're the best," he said.

They gave him smiles, and Ellen said, "Now, get out there and put a roof over your damn heads."

Dean nodded and walked outside.

Sam held the door for Charlie and Dorothy. He almost slipped through the door himself, but a guy in a long trench coat walked in first, saying a small "thank you" for Sam holding the door.

Sam nodded, not bothering to verbally respond. He hurried out after his brother, enjoying the feeling of his new gloves on his hands.

Before they'd even gone a block, Dean started humming "Can't Fight This Feeling" under his breath.

"Really, Dean?" Sam laughed.

Dean rolled his eyes and said, "It's stuck in my head. Shut up."


	8. Two Days in February

Charlie rolled her eyes at Dean as she held open the door to Union Station. "If you want to go apartment hunting, you need an apartment guide. Where do they keep those? Near the tourists. Now, get inside," she said.

Dorothy chuckled and said, "I see an apartment guide stand from here."

Charlie said to Dean, "See? It's right there. Let's go."

Dean sighed and walked inside. "I just don't see why we can't just go to a building that has a 'for lease' sign on it," he said.

Charlie walked in after Sam and flipped open one of the apartment guides.

"Then, how're you going to know how much rent is?" Charlie asked, "How're you going to know how big the apartments are? If your plan is to forego a real estate agent and just talk to landlords and sign papers, you need to do your own legwork."

Dean sat down on a bench grumpily and said, "I don't even know what I'm looking for. I don't know what to look for in an apartment."

Sam and Charlie exchanged a glance, and Charlie sat next to Dean. "That would be why I'm helping you, Dean. Do you know what part of the city you want to live in?" she asked.

Dean shook his head, putting his head in his hands.

Charlie nudged him to snap him out of it. This would all go a lot smoother if Dean had at least a little enthusiasm.

"Are you going to school?" Charlie asked.

Dean shook his head.

Sam said quickly, "Yes, you are. You're just not enrolled yet."

Dean sighed and said, "Oh, right. Well, I don't know which school I'm going to go to yet, so it's still a moot point."

"Okay," Charlie said, "Let's figure that out first. What are the closest colleges to Sam's school?"

Dean said, "UIC is the closest, but I don't mind walking places."

"You will when it's cold, and you don't want to get to class anyway," Charlie said, "Do you want to go to UIC?"

Dean shrugged and said, "It's a school, right?"

"This is a big decision, Dean," Charlie said, "If you don't like the school, you won't do well, because you'll ditch all the time."

"UIC is close to the Roadhouse. It's just down the street. And it doesn't have that weird college campus feel, it's feels more like it's part of the city. So, it'll be a good fit. I just don't know if I'll get in," Dean said.

Sam smiled encouragingly and said, "You'll get in. You're smart, Dean. You've definitely got the test scores to get in. It'll be fine."

Dean looked at Sam for a moment, and Charlie was half worried that he'd start arguing with him.

Instead, Dean said, "Alright, UIC it is, so apartments around there, I guess."

Charlie quickly flipped through the apartment guide, finding the right area to search through. "What's your budget?" she asked.

Dean said slowly, "A thousand a month."

Charlie looked at him. How the hell were they still on the street with that kind of money?

Sam seemed to read the question on Charlie's face. He said, "It's a recent development."

"Well, that definitely expands your options," Charlie said, scanning several pages for anything promising.

"There are a few places on Taylor, a few on Harrison, there's a place on Damen, and a couple on Racine," she said after a moment, "How many bedrooms to you guys want?"

Sam shrugged and looked at Dean.

Dean shook his head and said, "I don't know. I just want a roof. Bedrooms don't really matter."

"Okay," Charlie said slowly, "How about energy, then? Electric, gas? Preference?"

"Electric," Sam said quickly.

Dean looked at Sam for a moment and asked, "Do you know how expensive that would be in the winter with electric heating?"

Sam sighed and said, "I think the environment is a little more important than money, Dean."

"Agreed," Dean said, "But we have limited income. If it gets too expensive, we could wind up right back where we are now."

Dorothy spoke up, and Charlie almost jumped at her voice finally adding to the conversation. "If I could interrupt," Dorothy said, "If the place's rent covers amenities, you could just get the trust fund money to cover it. Just saying."

"That's a good idea," Dean said, "Let's do that."

Charlie nodded and said, "Well, now it's down to two places on Taylor, one on Harrison, and one on Damen."

"Dean, could I talk to you for a second?" Sam said, pulling his brother up before an answer was given. They walked over to one of the larger staircases in Union Station and started having a rather animated conversation that Charlie couldn't make out.

"It's really nice that you're helping them out like this," Dorothy said to Charlie.

Charlie smiled at her and said, "My mom used to work in real estate. It'd be a shame if I never got to show off my skills of reading a simple apartment guide."

"What does your mom do now?" Dorothy asked.

Charlie hesitated. Sure, she and Dorothy had decided to be friends and stick together for safety if nothing else, but they hadn't crossed into painful back story territory yet. As much as Charlie wanted to know everything about Dorothy, she didn't want to pry, and she certainly didn't want to make Dorothy uncomfortable. Still, if they were ever going to really get to know each other, someone had to break first, right?

Charlie said, "My mom doesn't do anything. She's dead."

"Oh," Dorothy said, breaking eye contact, "I'm sorry, I didn't even think-"

"It's fine," Charlie said, "It's been a long time. If I didn't want you to know, I wouldn't have told you."

Dorothy looked back up at Charlie. "Is that why you're-" she started.

Charlie nodded and said, "Homeless? Yeah. My parents, they're both...y'know."

Dorothy covered Charlie's hand in her own and said, "I'm so sorry." The girl's blue eyes searched Charlie's. Charlie leaned forward a little, further closing what little distance was between them.

Charlie said, "Dorothy, I-"

"Okay, we reached an agreement," Sam said, he and Dean rejoining them.

Dorothy quickly backed up from Charlie, and it took every inch of Charlie's self control not to glare at Sam for his bad timing. They'd been getting somewhere, damn it.

"Agreement on what?" Charlie asked, purposely keeping her tone light as she tried to calm herself down. What had even just happened? Were they about to kiss? Because it kind of felt like they'd been about to kiss. Charlie wasn't even sure what she'd been about to say. She wanted to tell Dorothy how she felt about her, how amazing she was for showing her sympathy for old deaths that still stung.

"We definitely want to find a place with at least two bedrooms," Sam said, "We need our own space, y'know?"

Charlie nodded and reopened the apartment guide to where her finger had saved the page of area listings. "Well, that certainly narrows it down. The others were studios. Looks like we should check out the place on Damen," she said.

"Great, let's go," Dean said.

Damen was a bit of a hike from Union Station, but they kept it lively. Charlie talked to the boys about movie villains and how they should just let Mark Hamill play the Joker already, because c'mon, how many voice overs does a guy have to do to get screen time? Sam asked Dorothy about her favorite foods, her favorite places in the city.

Charlie found it incredibly hard to concentrate as Dorothy talked. She wanted to know everything about her, and it didn't matter if Dean was in the middle of a debate with her about Deadpool's moral compass, her attention was locked into Dorothy's words. She liked pizza the best, and she loved Oak Street Beach. They were minor details to be sure, barely scratching the surface of that girl, but they were important to Dorothy, so Charlie committed her words to memory. Just in case.

By the time they got to the place on Damen, Dean was giving Charlie a look. "What?" she asked, his amused stare unnerving her.

"I knew there was something between the two of you," Dean said quietly so Dorothy wouldn't hear.

Charlie shook her head. "Nothing going on there, sorry to disappoint," she said.

Dean chuckled and said softly, "We were in the middle of a conversation, you were quite literally in the middle of a sentence, and you just stopped dead listening to Dorothy. Yeah, there's nothing going on. Right."

Charlie tried her best not to blush as she held the door for Dorothy, Sam, and Dean. Dorothy said a quick thank you, and both Sam and Dean smiled at Charlie's grin.

"Shut up," Charlie said. But she couldn't stop smiling. She just hoped Dorothy didn't think she was so obvious. No need to scare the girl off.

Sam knocked on the landlord's office door, and surprisingly, he got an answer. The door opened and a very tall, skinny man with slicked back black hair greeted them with a smile. "Hello," he said.

Sam and Dean seemed to be incapable of speech as they stood there and stared at the surprisingly intimidating landlord.

Charlie said quickly, "They are interested in renting the apartment on the second floor. We found the listing in an apartment guide and figured we'd stop by."

The landlord smiled and said, "Good, good. The apartment has been vacant for some time. Would you like to take a look at it?"

Sam nodded, and the landlord grabbed a key off of his wall.

"Follow me, please," the man said. He led them up a small flight of stairs to the second floor. Down the hall a ways, he stopped, unlocked the apartment door, and said, "Here we are."

They walked inside.

It was a pretty nice place. It was sort of small, but there was a decently sized kitchen, enough space to put a small table for meals, and a hallway that led to what seemed to be bedrooms.

Charlie wandered down the hall as the boys checked out the rest of the apartment. There were three bedrooms down the hallway. She pushed open a door at the end, looking around inside. It was a pretty nice room. It even had a window.

"Could we have a minute?" Dean asked the landlord.

The tall man nodded and said, "If you're still interested, I'll have the paperwork downstairs for you."

Dean thanked him, and Charlie could tell Dean's footsteps were headed in her direction.

"What do you think?" Dean asked.

Charlie looked around. Honestly, it was a nice place. She was happy that they were able to make a home for themselves. A small part of Charlie was incredibly jealous.

"It's nice," she said. Maybe they'd let her and Dorothy pop by every once and a while.

"Yeah, it is nice, and it's not too expensive," Dean said, "It's a little big, though. Sam and I don't really have anything, so there's gonna be a lot of empty space in here."

"But you'll get things. Furniture, hopefully. It won't be that empty once you've lived here enough," Charlie said.

Dean said, "Thank you for helping us. It really means a lot. Sam and I aren't totally useless, but...still, thanks."

"Don't mention it," Charlie said, staring out the window. She could see where they could put a bed, a desk, posters, bookshelves. The spare bedroom could be an office or a hang out space. Maybe they'd let her help pick out some of the furnishings, too.

"You've been a really great friend, Charlie," Dean said.

Or Dean could be saying goodbye. Forget maybe helping with the apartment, Charlie now wondered if this was the last time she'd be seeing these guys. At least she had Dorothy.

Charlie said, "It's been a pleasure, Dean." She wasn't going to cry over losing friends. She just wasn't.

Just then, Sam and Dorothy walked into the bedroom.

"What's going on?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy said, "Sam says they need to talk to us together. Won't say about what, though."

"I'd ask you guys to sit down, but well, empty apartment and all," Dean said, smiling, "Sam and I discussed it, and we'd like you both to move in here with us...if you want."

Charlie paused. She knew Dean had said words, words had definitely come out of Dean's mouth. He had said things, and those things had meaning, and the meaning was just so elusive. It hit Charlie like a freight train.

"Move in here?" Charlie asked, unsure if she could've misheard.

"Yeah," Sam said, "Dean and I don't need one bedroom let alone three. There's plenty of space here for the four of us."

Dorothy said, "You guys barely know us. Why would you-"

"You're good friends," Dean said, "And we can get to know each other. If you don't want to move in with two guys you barely know, we get it. But the way I see it, we're friends, we're going to get to know each other, and if we can do all that with a roof over our heads, so much the better."

Charlie looked at Dorothy. Living with Dean and Sam was one thing. Living with Dorothy, well, they'd both have to be comfortable with it.

Dorothy met Charlie's gaze and smiled. "Sure," she said, "Let's do it."

"Thank you," Charlie said, "I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you enough."

Sam laughed and said, "You'll be having us for roommates. Trust me, you shouldn't thank us just yet. Wait until you've heard Dean snoring and then tell me how much you like it here."

Charlie laughed and Dean shoved Sam in the arm.

The four of them excitedly went downstairs to fill out paperwork. It would take a week to process, and it might take longer because of the rent money being directly withdrawn from trust fund money, but they had a home.

Just like that Charlie Bradbury, who'd spent years being homeless, had a place to live with people that were quickly becoming family. She didn't know how she got so lucky.


	9. I Got More Bills Than I Got Pay

Castiel leaned against the kitchen counter in his apartment as he ate a muffin and idly flipped through the mail he'd brought upstairs the day before. Most of it was junk. Credit card applications, college event notices, and several other envelopes that he had no care for. One of the envelopes stuck out. It read "late payment notice" on the front.

That didn't seem right. Reading through the letter, Castiel discovered that his apartment complex hadn't received money for his rent in two months. That didn't seem right either.

He pulled out his phone to call his dad. When they'd discussed Castiel's college career, his dad had been adamant that Castiel focus his energy on school, and his dad would send money and cover all expenses. Castiel did not mind not having to pay bills, so the arrangement worked out quite nicely.

After four rings, his dad's phone was sent to voicemail. "Hi, you've reached Chuck Novak. Please, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

At the tone, Castiel said, "Hey, Dad. It's me. So, I got a notice saying my rent is late. I'm not really sure what's going on, so just give me a call back, okay? Thanks."

Castiel sighed and looked at the late payment notice. His dad not answering the phone didn't sit well with him. None of this sat well with him. It still felt wrong when Castiel was walking to school, and while he realized it was Saturday, and while walked past the campus aimlessly. It still didn't sit right with him as he walked up to the Roadhouse.

By this point, not hearing from his dad in over an hour was starting to turn this odd situation into full blown anxiety. At least someone had held the door for him. He sat down at a table and wondered if Jo was working. Maybe she'd be able to get him to focus on something other than his rent and his dad. A bunch of guys were over playing foosball and making a bit of noise. Castiel pretended to ignore them, but it did sound like they were having fun.

Jo popped up behind the bar, grabbing some drinks from the counter and walking them over to tables. She saw Castiel and smiled. It helped Castiel calm down a little just knowing that Jo remembered him.

Before he could think about saying hi, the group of loud foosball enthusiasts spilled over to the bar. One of the guys, a blond boy with an outrageously low cut shirt, waved Jo to the bar to order drinks. The other two guys stood with him, leaning over the bar, generally being obnoxious. Jo gave them each a beer and went back to checking on her customers.

As the group went back to the foosball table, one of the boys shoved the blond guy hard against Castiel's table with a hardy laugh. The blond's drink splashed Castiel and thoroughly soaked his shirt.

"Oh, I am sorry," the guy said with a smooth British accent, "My friend has an issue with propriety." He blotted as Castiel's shirt with a few napkins.

Castiel shook his head and grabbed for more napkins. It wasn't a big deal, it was just unexpected.

"You've really got some nice muscle on you," the guy said, "I'm Balthazar by the way."

Castiel looked up at him. Was he hitting on him? What?

Quickly, one of Balthazar's friends came over to the table. "Stop drooling on the poor guy," his friend said, hauling Balthazar away from Castiel. He had longer, darker hair than Balthazar did, but he was also a bit shorter. "I'm sorry about him," Balthazar's friend said, "Are you okay? Do you need anything? More napkins? Alcohol? Therapy? Anything?"

Castiel chuckled a little and said, "I'm fine."

"Good," the guy said.

Jo hustled over, making a shooing motion. She said, "Gabriel, stop pestering my friend."

Gabriel grinned, sitting at the table with Castiel. "What if he's my friend, too? Can I pester him then?" he asked.

Castiel almost laughed.

Jo put her hands on her hips and said, "Just make sure you behave yourself. I don't want you scaring Castiel off, okay?"

Gabriel rolled his eyes, and Jo ran back over to the bar as a group of people started ordering drinks.

"So, your name's Castiel?" Gabriel asked.

Castiel nodded, looking at his hands.

Gabriel grew silent. Castiel looked back up at him to see Gabriel fixing him with an appraising gaze.

"What?" Castiel asked.

"You seem kinda shy," Gabriel said, "New to the city?"

Castiel nodded and said, "Yeah, I 've been here three months." Gabriel smiled and looked over at his friends playing foosball. Castiel saw the edges of what looked like bruises showing above his popped jacket collar. What had happened to bruise his neck like that? They clearly weren't hickeys or anything.

Gabriel looked back at Castiel and caught him staring. He lowered his collar, and it was clear the marks had been made by fingers.

"Got mugged a few days ago," Gabriel said, his eyes drifting to the table.

"It looks like that hurt," Castiel said.

Gabriel shrugged, but Castiel saw a flash of pain in his eyes that made the other man's smile seem false on his face.

"I've had worse. It's no big deal," Gabriel said, "Anyway, you want to come play foosball with us?"

Castiel looked over to the bar where it was clear that Jo was completely swamped. Well, Gabriel seemed nice enough, and he wasn't particularly worried about Balthazar.

"Sure, okay," Castiel said.

"Awesome!" Gabriel said, pulling Castiel up by his trench coat sleeve, "Come meet everybody."

Castiel followed Gabriel over to the foosball table. Balthazar winked at him, the other guy barely glanced at him from the game he was playing with Balthazar, and Gabriel pulled him over to the others with a large smile on his face. The more Castiel watched Gabriel, the more he got the feeling that his whole personality was a mask. It was unnerving, but Castiel wasn't about to judge him just because he felt the need to hide.

"So, this is Benny," Gabriel said, gesturing to the guy who was so deeply concentrated on the foosball game, "And you've already met Balthazar. Sorry about that again."

Benny scored against Balthazar.

Balthazar shouted, "No! Not fair. Rematch, Benny. C'mon."

Benny grinned and held out his hand. "Nah, I want to play the new guy. Fifteen bucks, Balth," he said with a low southern accent.

Balthazar sighed dramatically and retrieved his wallet from his jacket.

"You want to play?" Benny asked Castiel.

Castiel shrugged and walked over to the other side of the table. It'd been a while since he'd played last, but between him and his dad, Castiel had always been the better player.

"Are we just playing or putting money on it?" Benny asked.

Gabriel said, "Don't hustle the fresh meat, Benny. Just play for now. Let him at least see what he's in for."

"I'm Castiel, by the way," Castiel said.

Benny laughed and said, "Good name. Definitely stands out. Ready?"

Castiel nodded.

Benny and Castiel watched as Gabriel dropped the ball in the middle of the table. Benny's player connected with the ball first. It was almost artistic how quickly and efficiently Benny was turning the bars and spinning his players. It was almost artistic, and yet Benny couldn't sink a single shot. Castiel defended his goal remarkably well. He felt a little rusty but not so out of practice that he couldn't keep his side protected. With one bad pass, Castiel's front players took control of the ball. He spun them, passing the ball closer and closer to Benny's goal. With a small flick of his wrist, Castiel spun his players and sunk the ball deep into Benny's goal.

"Well, then," Benny said, "Let's see if you can keep it up."

When the ball was dropped in the center, Benny once again gained control of the ball. After ten minutes without a single point being scored, it was becoming steadily clear that Benny and Castiel were evenly matched. Benny shot the ball towards Castiel's goal, and Castiel blocked, spinning in such a way that the ball shot across the table. Benny dove to block, but Castiel shot the ball into the goal just in time.

"Damn it!" Benny shouted.

Castiel smiled to himself as Balthazar dropped the ball in the center. He could feel how Balthazar and Gabriel were smiling at him. He could feel how excited they were for Castiel to put up a fight against Benny. He almost felt wanted in a weird way. It was nice. It was nice enough to distract him.

Benny got a shot in that Castiel missed by a hair. He'd gotten distracted, but he'd also gotten cocky. Balthazar and Gabriel gasped when Benny made the shot.

Castiel looked up at Benny. Benny met Castiel's gaze evenly.

The tension was palpable as Gabriel dropped the ball in the center.

This time, Castiel got the ball first. He ran it quickly towards Benny's side of the table, but Benny blocked his attempts at a goal easily. They danced around each other for several minutes. Neither of them were going to give up this game without a fight.

"Benny lines up his shot," Balthazar said in his best announcer voice.

Gabriel said, "Balthazar, I swear if you start that, I will tear your throat out." Castiel blocked the shot and managed to score on Benny. If Castiel made this next shot, he'd win. Balthazar held the ball above the table.

"This is for all the marbles," Gabriel said.

Castiel's fingers tightened around the knobs on his side of the table. Benny stood ready for the ball to drop.

And then Castiel's phone rang. It was his dad. His rent and his dad's answering machine came rushing back to him, leaving him momentarily confused about how he'd forgotten in the first place.

"Sorry," Castiel muttered. He answered his phone and walked away from the foosball table. "Hey, dad," he said.

His dad said, "Hi, I got your message. I'm sorry about that. I completely forgot to send your building money. I've been so busy with work and moving, it must've slipped my mind. I'll fix it by tomorrow, I promise."

A wave of relief washed over Castiel. This was an easy fix. Nothing was wrong. Good.

"Oh, I understand, okay," Castiel said, "Don't worry, I was just confused."

"Yeah, sorry. Didn't mean to alarm you," Dad said, "Hey, listen. I gotta run. Do you need anything else?"

"No, I'll talk to you later," Castiel said.

"Okay," his dad said, "And Castiel? I'm proud of you. I just wanted to tell you that. Bye."

The line went dead, and Castiel stared at his phone, confused. He knew is dad cared, but that was just weird. Something about that whole phone call just didn't feel right.

Before he could think too much about it, Castiel went back over to where he'd been playing Benny. The three guys all turned to look at Castiel.

"Sorry," Castiel said, "That was my dad. I've been trying to get a hold of him. It was important."

Gabriel smiled, and Balthazar said, "As long as you're ready to hand Benny his own ass, I'm cool."

Castiel looked at Benny, and Benny grinned.

"Ready?" Benny asked.

Castiel approached the table, put his hands at the ready, and nodded. Balthazar dropped the ball, and the game was back on.

After twenty minutes of heated offense and defense, Benny shot the ball at Castiel's goal. Castiel lunged for the knob and just managed to block the shot. He returned the ball to Benny's side and engaged with further volley of the ball between his players and Benny's. Finally, Castiel got the ball free and scored the final point.

Benny shouted, "Damn it!"

Balthazar and Gabriel cheered.

Balthazar hugged Castiel tightly, and said, "You are amazing, Castiel!"

Castiel smiled and looked over at Benny. "Again?" he asked.

Benny laughed and said, "Absolutely."


	10. Cold As Ice

Gabriel stared out the window of the library, spinning from side to side slowly in his chair behind the check out desk. He still had two hours left till his shift was over and he could go home. Even though he was bored, he really wished he'd have to stay longer and avoid his house as much as he could. He had no idea how much his dad remembered of their fight, but he'd finally stumbled in that morning. If his dad did remember their fight, Gabriel would be in for it the second he walked in his front door.

"Hey, Naomi," Gabriel called to his supervisor, "Has anyone checked the racks upstairs yet?"

Naomi sighed and gestured to the stairs for Gabriel to check the racks.

Normally, no one checked the book racks during the day since they were a little too busy. The first person to tackle the racks would be at it for quite some time after letting the students have unchecked access for several hours.

Gabriel didn't mind putting the books back in order. It was busy work, easy enough if you knew the Dewey Decimal System by memory. Gabriel typically didn't volunteer for this sort of thing unless he really wanted to put more hours in.

Even if the racks were a putrid mess, even if Gabriel found somebody going down on their boyfriend again, it would be better than going home while his dad was still lurking around. He tried not to think about his brothers handling his dad alone as he trudged up the stairs to the fourth floor.

When he reached the fourth floor door, the sounds of rowdy and boisterous college kids hit his ears. Odds were Benny and Balthazar were in that group, having fun. Sometimes, that knowledge would prompt him to join them for at least a little while. Now, though, Gabriel didn't want to keep his smile going if he didn't have to. Hiding in the racks of books was so much easier than hiding behind a smile and a joke. He decided to tackle the third floor first.

The third floor was quiet, filled with students studying quietly. Gabriel found a discarded stack of books on a table that had clearly been abandoned. He scooped them up and made his way to the dark quiet sanctuary of the book racks.

The first couple of books were about Spanish colonialism, so he quickly headed for the historical section. He felt like he could disappear in all these books. It felt like getting lost in a forest, racks of books reaching almost to the ceiling. It was peaceful, a calming sort of invisibility. His face hurt from keeping up appearances anyway. He placed the first couple of books.

The next book, however, looked incredibly old and had no library code on it. After looking at the first page with its yellowed and frayed paper, Gabriel knew this book wasn't theirs, it was a relic from the archives. How the hell had that gotten mixed in with their books in circulation?

Gabriel quickly took the fragile book back to the archives. He walked through the glass doors, causing the librarian to look up. Gabriel was almost surprised that he didn't know her, but at work, he did try to keep to himself.

He plastered a bright smile on his face and sauntered over to the desk with a hop in his gait.

"Found this in the racks," Gabriel said, "Figured you might want this back."

The librarian looked at the old book, and her eyes widened. "Thank you so much," she said, gingerly taking the book from him.

Gabriel nodded and turned around to leave, knowing full well the librarians would be checking the security footage to know how an archive item got out, when he spotted a familiar trench coat draped over a chair in the archive room.

Gabriel blinked a couple of times to make sure his composure was all there. The guy had seen his bruises, and the look on his face had held enough concern to make Gabriel feel very vulnerable, uncomfortably so. The last thing he wanted to do was go near that kid without his defenses up.

Gabriel walked through the door to the archive room. "Hey, Castiel," he said happily.

Castiel looked up at Gabriel, startled. "Oh, hi," he said quietly.

Gabriel sat at the table across from Castiel and asked, "What brings you to the archives? I hardly ever see anyone in here."

Castiel cocked his head to the side and asked, "Do you normally keep tabs on the comings and goings of students in the archives?"

Gabriel shrugged. "No, not normally. I work here part time, so I do stop by a bit in case the rogue library book ends up trying to be an artifact. It's always a ghost town in here," he said.

Castiel nodded, understanding, and returned to reading what looked like a very old document.

Gabriel could tell when he was in the way. He stood up and said, "Well, I'll leave you to it."

Castiel looked up again, catching Gabriel's gaze. "I'm sorry," he said, "I'm actually doing this for fun, you're not bothering me or anything. You can stay if you want, unless you're busy since your working." Castiel closed his mouth and looked a little frustrated with himself.

Gabriel quickly sat back down more than a little curious about this guy. All he knew so far was that Castiel was friends with Jo, he kicked every kind of ass at foosball, and he poured through old documents in the archives for fun. That alone piqued Gabriel's interest.

"I'm technically on the clock, but they never actually check what I'm doing," Gabriel said, "Easiest job ever, really."

Castiel smiled, but his eyes quickly drifted back to the document in front of him.

After a couple minutes of silence, Gabriel asked, "Are you sure I'm not in the way? You seem kind of busy."

Castiel's face flushed, and Gabriel honestly had no idea what was going on anymore.

Castiel pushed the document to the side of the table and said slowly, "I'm not good with people. I don't really have friends, I don't socialize hardly at all, and I am really, very bad at carrying a conversation."

"So, you want my company, but you don't know what to do with it?" Gabriel asked, making sure he had this right.

Castiel nodded, his gaze focusing on the table. Castiel's quiet nature did make much more sense knowing that he had some form of social anxiety. For a psychology major, Gabriel really should have figured that out earlier.

"Well, I'm not much for company, but I'm pretty good at getting people to talk. You sure you want me here?" Gabriel asked.

Castiel nodded and looked at Gabriel like he wanted to say something.

When he didn't say anything, Gabriel asked, "So, of all the things you could do for fun, why the archives?"

"I like learning about people," Castiel said, eyes lighting up in a way that made Gabriel know how passionate he was about reading these decaying documents, "The documents I read are the pieces of someone's life, and I love putting the puzzle together and getting an idea of who these people were. It's sort of the reason I'm a history major."

Gabriel grinned. It was nice to see someone excited about something. Gabriel couldn't remember the last time he felt like that. He wasn't entirely sure he could get excited anymore. He could act like it, sure. He was incredibly convincing when he had to be, but actually feeling something was another story. Gabriel felt a weird sort of wonder at Castiel's enthusiasm for pieces of paper. It was cool to see.

"What sort of stuff are you interested in?" Castiel asked. Gabriel paused. He hadn't expected for Castiel to want to know anything about him, let alone actually ask him a question.

"I don't know," Gabriel said, "Normal stuff."

Castiel fixed Gabriel with a piercing gaze that gave Gabriel the urge to dive under the table and never let that kid look at him again. He felt unbearably vulnerable with those blue eyes staring at him.

"I'm not sure why you feel the need to hide all the time," Castiel said honestly, "But you don't have to do that around me."

"I don't know what you're-" Gabriel started. Castiel cut him off, saying, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. It's just that I know what it looks like when someone's pretending for the sake of others. But it's none of my business, and I really didn't mean to-"

"It's fine," Gabriel said quickly, "Listen, I gotta get back to work. See you around, Castiel." He got up and left the room before Castiel could say another word.

Castiel was a cool guy, and Gabriel wouldn't mind having him as a friend, but he was way too perceptive for his own good. He felt kind of bad for just leaving Castiel there by himself, but that was how Gabriel had found him. It was fine. He was really doing Castiel a favor by leaving. The guy seemed to want friends, and literally everyone on the planet would be a better person to be friends with. Friends were supposed to care about you, be honest with you. Gabriel wasn't capable of that. He was damaged. He was poison. He was broken beyond repair in ways Castiel couldn't ever know about. He'd just drag the poor guy down with him. He wasn't even sure if he knew how to be a friend anymore. All he did was pretend with Benny and Balthazar. If they noticed his act, they didn't care. He just felt so damn hollow. He wished it could just stop.

Out of nothing if not a desire for self-preservation, Gabriel left the archives entirely and went back to placing books.

After his shift was up, Naomi came upstairs and found Gabriel kneeling in the book stacks. "I know how much you love cleaning up after illiterate rodents," she said, "But I took the liberty of clocking you out. Go home, Gabriel."

Gabriel stood up and tried to take this information as the gesture of kindness it was meant to be. He couldn't go home. He didn't want to go there and fight and claw and hit and break. He wanted to do literally anything else. "Thanks, Naomi. See you tomorrow," Gabriel said.

He walked to the stairs and took as much time as he could getting back to the ground floor. He needed to something, something to keep him from going home to his sad excuse of a parent.

Once he got to the first floor and exited the stairwell, he spotted a cascade of black hair framing slender shoulders in a blood red jacket. Kali. Perfect.

Gabriel sidled up to her and said, "Hey, beautiful."

Kali rolled her eyes but smiled. It wasn't a genuine smile, Gabriel knew. He'd seen enough fake smiles in the mirror to know an impostor when he saw one. He knew why, though. While he and Kali were still technically dating, things had been strained for a while, and lately, Gabriel had just been waiting for her to break it off. There was a small part of him that hoped Kali still loved him, but the rest of him knew it'd be incredibly stupid on her part if she did. If he couldn't even be a decent friend, being a half way decent boyfriend was definitely off the table.

Still, there were benefits to not having been dumped yet.

"You want to grab a drink with me?" Gabriel asked with a coy grin, "I'm buying."

Kali looked at him for a moment and some real happiness filtered into her smile. "I would love to, sweetheart, but I'm not in the library for you. I have to study. Maybe some other time," she said.

He nodded and said, "Okay, well, if you change your mind, I'll be at the Roadhouse."

She kissed him on the cheek, and Gabriel was sure they both felt absolutely nothing from it. She glanced away and waved halfheartedly before walking upstairs.

Gabriel grabbed his bag and jacket from behind the check out desk and headed out into the cold.

Once he walked through the door, he almost walked straight into Castiel. Gabriel stopped just in time to miss colliding with the guy's shoulder.

"Hey, sorry, didn't see you," Gabriel said.

Castiel asked, "Can I talk to you for a second?"

Gabriel sighed. Whatever Castiel was going to say was going to be too personal, too blunt, and completely uncalled for.

He braced himself and said, "Sure, go ahead, but I'm heading to the Roadhouse, so walk and talk?"

Castiel followed Gabriel towards the Roadhouse without complaint.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I realize that I don't know you and really have no right to have said any of the stuff I said," Castiel said, "I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable."

Gabriel looked at how sad the guy looked, like he was feeling guilty. Castiel hadn't done anything but be honest with him. He shouldn't feel bad about that.

Gabriel grabbed Castiel's arm and pulled him behind a building.

"It's fine," Gabriel said, dropping his smile. He knew Castiel could see the difference when the guy got that concerned look back on his face. "It's fine," Gabriel said again, "I know you were trying to be nice, telling me I could be myself around you. I get it."

Castiel looked Gabriel in the eye, and Gabriel knew he was seeing too much.

"I just-I have a lot going on, a lot that nobody can really do anything about," Gabriel said, "The last thing I need is people worrying about me. So, if I have to slap a smile on my face around my friends, then that's what I do."

Castiel nodded but didn't say anything.

Gabriel put his smile back on, and he didn't care if it was only for defense or not. "Now, let's go inside and see what everybody's up to," he said.

Castiel asked quietly, "You're not mad at me, though?"

Gabriel chuckled and said sarcastically, "Yes, Castiel. I'm mad at you for being a caring person. How dare you."

Castiel seemed confused for a moment.

Gabriel sighed, "I'm not mad. Tell you what, if I ever have a personality transplant and feel like talking about my problems, I'll come to you. In the meantime, I hear you have a lack of friends and social confidence. I'm not your best option, but if you want a friend, I'm here."

Castiel smiled brightly. It would've felt nice to know he made someone so happy if it weren't for the nagging knowledge that Gabriel was a worthless piece of shit and that it was only a matter of time before Castiel caught onto that fact like everyone else. After all, why would anyone else like Gabriel if he couldn't even like himself?

"C'mon, let's go inside. I'm starving," Gabriel said, grinning.

Castiel followed.

The night consisted of drinks, cheese fries, foosball, laughs, and a general good time. Apparently, someone else was capable of beating Benny at foosball. Earlier in the day, Benny's new coworker had bested him in three consecutive games. Benny was still grouching about it even as he won games against Balthazar and Gabriel without hardly even trying. They really needed to get that guy and Castiel together and see who the real foosball champion was.

At the end of the night, Benny, Balthazar, and Castiel headed off to their own places, each of them saying goodnight to Gabriel.

It had been a good night, but he knew what was probably waiting for him at home. He'd managed to avoid going home all day, and it was much later than he normally came home. Last time he stayed out this late, he'd had his father's hands wrapped around his throat. He deserved what he had coming to him.

Gabriel walked home alone, hoping that he would actually get mugged one of these days. Wouldn't that be a nice distraction from everything else. Gabriel went home knowing that no matter if his father's fists were waiting for him or not, he was a dead man walking.


	11. Knockin' On Heaven's Door

Dean walked with Sam, Charlie, and Dorothy towards Jody's shelter, laughing about something. He honestly couldn't remember what Charlie had said to make them all crack up, but it had been hilarious enough that he was still having a hard time calming down. He hadn't laughed like that in years.

As they got closer to the shelter, the laughter died down quickly. The doors were closed. Shit.

Dean hurried over to the shelter doors, but it was definitely closed for the night.

"What time is it?" Sam asked. None of them had phones they could check.

Dorothy looked at her watch and said, "Guys, the shelter closed an hour ago." No way was it that late.

"Are you sure?" Dean asked, rejoining them.

Dorothy nodded and showed him her watch.

Son of a bitch.

"Well, we could go back to the Roadhouse," Sam said, "Maybe Bobby will let us stay the night again."

"No, there was a cop poking around today. He couldn't even let Jo work. There's no way he's gonna risk letting us crash there."

Charlie said, "Well, we could wait for a bus."

"And get on with what money?" Dorothy asked.

Sam chuckled and said, "You know, this is kind of ironic. We're moving into the apartment tomorrow and get totally screwed on our last day on the streets."

"Sam, not helping," Dean said.

They were going to have to hunker down again. It was crazy cold out, and they had to be out all night.

Charlie looked at Dean, and it looked like they had the same idea. "Alley?" she asked.

Dean shrugged and said, "It's too late to sneak into the library or something. If we want any sort of sleep, alley it is."

Sam sighed, and Dean felt terrible. Staying in an alley was the worst. It was dangerous, especially when it was this cold out. Sam deserved better.

"I've got a blanket we can share," Dean said, "But we'll need insulation."

Charlie nodded for the others to follow her. At the end of the block, she gestured to a couple newsstands and asked, "The Union or The Red Eye?"

Dean grabbed a stack of each. This night was going to suck horribly. At least they all had jackets and gloves now.

"Here," Dean said, handing Sam some of the papers, "You know the drill."

Dorothy looked at them, confused.

Sam began stuffing newspaper in crumpled balls in his sleeves and down his shirt. Dorothy took a copy of The Union from Dean but looked at it uncertainly. Charlie had mentioned Dorothy was new to being homeless.

"The newspaper can help keep you from losing too much heat," Dean explained as Charlie started stuffing her jacket, "The most important part is to insulate your core so if you go hypothermic, you don't have heart failure. Want help?"

Dorothy looked at Dean gratefully.

Dean took The Union from her and wadded up a few pages, stuffing her sleeves at the armpits.

"Thanks, Dean," Dorothy said. She took care of the rest after getting the gist.

Sam asked, "Where do you want to stay tonight?"

"This is a decent neighborhood," Charlie said, "Why don't we just pick an alley?"

They turned down the first alley they found.

Sam grabbed Dean's bag as Dean helped the girls finish packing newspaper into their coats and pants. Sam pulled out the blanket, tossing it to Charlie. It was big enough to shield them from the wind, but it wasn't all that thick. Still, it was better than nothing. Sam looked at Dean as he huddled up with Charlie and Dorothy.

"Aren't you going to use the newspaper, too?" Sam asked Dean.

Dean shrugged. The cold never really bothered him, but the look Sam was giving him made Dean grab a couple copies of the Red Eye. He stuffed paper everywhere he could until he used the last piece of newspaper.

Sam and Charlie both had their arms around Dorothy, cuddling together as much as they could. Using Sam and Dean's backpacks as pillows, the three of them huddled up under the blanket.

Charlie lifted up part of the blanket so Dean could join them. He slotted himself behind Charlie and wrapped his arms around the tiny redhead.

"Just don't get any ideas back there, Winchester," Charlie said.

Dean laughed and said, "Don't worry. You guys are like the little sisters I never wanted. I wouldn't even consider it."

Dorothy laughed a little at that.

Slowly, the three of them fell asleep.

Dean was tired as hell, but he had no intention of sleeping. Someone had to stay up and keep watch in case something happened in the night. However, being surrounded by sleeping people as the night turned into the darkness of early morning made it increasingly difficult to keep awake. Watching his breath come out in puffs of cold vapor started to become hypnotic. He couldn't fight it as his eyes finally drifted closed.

He was in John Winchester's truck. He could feel his anxiety rising before he even realized he was dreaming.

John sat in the driver's seat, tears in his eyes. "I'm so proud of you, Dean," he said.

Dean knew what was going to happen. He hoped he could one day forget.

"Dad, don't," Dean heard himself say.

John smiled at Dean, put the old Colt in his mouth, and pulled the trigger.

Dean screamed and woke up gasping. He looked at the others, relieved he didn't wake any of them up. He very carefully removed himself from around Charlie, who shifted in her sleep and held onto Dorothy tighter.

Dean tucked the edge of the blanket under her and stood up. He'd had a night sweat, and if he didn't do something about it quick, he'd wind up freezing to death for sure. He took a deep breath, trying to get his breathing under control. He tried to think of something, anything that wasn't his dad. He could still hear that gunshot echoing in his ears. He hadn't a nightmare about it in a very long time, but every time he did dream about it, it always got worse.

Dean walked over to a dumpster at the end of the alley and unzipped his jacket. Slowly, he removed the soaked newspaper from his sleeves, shirt, and pants. Luckily, the newspaper had absorbed almost all of the sweat, and Dean's clothes were still dry. He zipped back up, sticking his gloved hands in his pockets.

The sun was starting to brighten the cloudy sky. He'd slept for a few hours, which was better than he'd expected to get. If he went back to sleep now, he knew he'd watch his dad die again, and he just couldn't deal with that right now. Dean walked back over to the family he did have. All of them were still breathing. Thank God.

The weight of his pocket knife in his pocket made him feel a little more secure, but after a dream like that, there wasn't much that could keep him from feeling gut wrenching fear. Sometimes he hated his dad for searing those memories in his head. He hated that his dad checked out early, he hated that his dad hadn't even tried, but he really hated that his dad would do something so horrible in front of him. He must've been in a staggering amount of pain to willingly put all that shit on Dean.

Dean took a deep breath, made sure everyone was still asleep, and left the alley. He walked to the newsstand and grabbed a few copies of the Red Eye. It would only get warmer from here, but he would still need the extra warmth for a few hours.

Once he was back in the alley, safe from the slicing strength of the early morning Chicago wind, he started packing his jacket with newspaper. He slid to the ground near Charlie and pulled out his pocket knife. His dad had given it to him as a kid. When he'd first gotten it, he treasured it. It was something his father had trusted him with. It was tool, useful, sharp. After what happened, though...after his dad killed himself, it took a lot of strength to keep Dean from chucking it into Lake Michigan. It was all he had left of John Winchester. He couldn't get rid of it. But sometimes, sometimes when he blamed his dad for leaving, blamed himself for not stopping him, that was all he wanted to do. Dean turned the blade over in his hands.

Before he decided to keep the knife again, Charlie shuttered violently next to him.

Dean put the knife away and looked at his sleeping family. Today, they'd all have a roof over their heads. Sam seemed to be sleeping soundly, Dorothy was curled up against him peacefully, but Charlie shook in her sleep. Upon closer inspection, Dean saw Charlie's lips had started to turn blue.

Without a moment's hesitation, he slipped under the blanket and turned Charlie over to face him.

Charlie slowly opened her eyes and sleepily said, "Dean, what-"

Dean unzipped his jacket and said softly, "Charlie, put your arms in my coat. You're losing too much heat."

She tried to prop herself up and her eyes widened when she couldn't. "I can't feel my arms," she said.

Dean pulled her up and helped her hug him, wrapping his jacket around her. Charlie buried her face in his chest, shaking.

"You're just cold," Dean said, "You'll be fine. We can go to the apartment in a few hours."

Charlie nodded against his chest and held onto him tighter. Well, at least she could still move her arms. Once she warmed up, she'd be fine.

As the sun rose higher, the air started to get slowly warmer. Charlie stopped shivering entirely by the time Sam and Dorothy started stirring. Sam met Dean's gaze tiredly, and Dean felt awful that they'd had to sleep in an alley. Again. But that was the last time they'd have to do it, and that was something.

"Ready to go home?" Dean asked.

Dorothy smiled excited at Dean and Charlie.

Sam got up stiffly but quickly.

Charlie stood up slowly and extended her gloved hand to Dean. "Let's go home," she said.


	12. Point of No Return

Sam caught up with Luci at his locker. "Hey," he said, smiling.

Luci dropped a stack of books into his locker roughly. "Hey, Sam," he said.

"So, umm," Sam said, unable to keep from grinning, "Do you want to come over to my place after school?"

Luci's eyes lit up and asked, "You guys moved in?"

Sam nodded excitedly, and Luci hugged him tightly.

When Luci pulled away, he said, "This is perfect, actually. I want to cut my hair, but I can't do it where my parents can see. Could you help me?"

Sam shrugged. "We don't really have anything yet," he said, "But if you bring scissors or something, I don't see why not."

Luci hugged him quickly and said, "You're the best."

The bell for class rang, and they jumped apart.

"See you after school," Luci said, squeezing Sam's arm before running off to class. Sam hurried to his math class, already counting down to the end of the day.

After school let out, Luci met Sam at his locker. Sam pulled on his jacket and grabbed his bag as Luci watched him.

"Ready?" Luci asked.

Sam nodded, grabbing his boyfriend's hand. Luci was going to meet the family. This would be interesting.

They went outside where Luci caught Sam with a quick kiss. He said, "I'm going to go to my place to steal my dad's clippers. I'll be over after, okay?"

Sam nodded before saying, "Here, let me give you the address." He held Luci's hand, palm up, and scribbled his address on Luci's palm in pen. "See you later," he said.

Sam pressed his lips to Luci's slowly and deeply.

When they broke apart, Luci gasped, "Now, I really can't wait to get to your place."

Sam grinned.

Luci pulled away reluctantly and headed to his house.

Sam turned around, smiling like an idiot, and saw Dean waiting for him.

"Not a word," Sam said when he fell in step with his brother.

Dean grinned and said, "I don't know what you're talking about, Sammy."

They started to walk home when Dean sang mockingly, "Sammy's got a girlfriend."

"Boyfriend, actually," Sam said.

"What?" Dean asked, "Then, who's the girl you were just making out with?"

"My boyfriend."

"You've lost me, Sam."

Sam said evenly, "Luci is transgender. While he'd biologically female, he is definitely a guy. And he's coming over today."

"But she's...he's...not even trying to look like a guy," Dean said, "And you invited...him...over to the apartment without telling anyone?"

Sam sighed and said, "I'm telling you now, and I'm helping Luci cut his hair today, so right now, his gender presentation is a work in progress. And just because you're one gender doesn't mean you have to look it all the time, Dean."

Dean rolled his eyes, and Sam stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Do not misgender my boyfriend," Sam said sternly, "I'm happy, he's happy, and if you start acting like Dad about it-"

"I get it," Dean said, flinching, "You're into dudes, and your boyfriend, regardless of having lady parts, is a dude. I get it. Just give Charlie and Dorothy a head's up before he comes over."

"Thanks, Dean," Sam said sincerely.

Dean clapped a hand on Sam's shoulder and shoved him towards their apartment building. "Don't mention it," he said.

Luci showed up fifteen minutes later, which was more than enough time to get Charlie and Dorothy up to speed. Luckily for Sam, he didn't need to explain what being transgender meant. Charlie and Dorothy already knew and understood just fine.

Sam buzzed Luci in and tried to fight the feeling of butterflies in his stomach. They'd like him. It'd be fine.

When Sam opened the door for Luci, he was still holding his breath.

"Nice place," Luci said, walking into the empty apartment.

Charlie said, "Hi, I'm Charlie. I'm..." She seemed to flounder at how she related to Sam.

"She's my roommate, kind of like a sister at this point," Sam supplied.

Charlie beamed.

Luci smiled and shook Charlie's hand. "I'm Luci," he said.

"Dorothy!" Charlie called, "You want to meet Sam's boyfriend?"

Luci glanced at Sam, surprised.

Dorothy came from down the hall. "Hi, I'm Dorothy," she said quietly, "I'm, uh, Charlie's...friend."

Charlie looked at Dorothy, and Sam started wondering if there was something going on with them.

"Also basically a sister," Sam explained.

Luci smiled and waved politely.

Sam looked over at Dean who was sitting on the floor and sighed. "And that's my brother, Dean," he said. Dean was screwing on new outlet covers but raised a hand to wave halfheartedly without bothering to look over.

Luci nodded and looked at Sam. "So, do I get a tour?" he asked.

"Oh, right," Sam said, "Well, that's the kitchen, and this is the living room." He gestured for Luci to follow him down the hall. In order from right to left at the end of the hall, Sam pointed to the doors and said, "Dean's room, Charlie and Dorothy's room, and this is my room."

Luci grinned and opened the door to Sam's room. "I don't know what I was expecting, but I thought you'd at least have a bed," he said.

All Sam had in his room was his blanket on the floor. He had scrunched it up at night to use as a pillow.

"We haven't had time to furniture shop yet," Sam said.

Luci shrugged and sat cross-legged on the floor. "Well, it's got a roof, right?" he said.

Sam joined his boyfriend on the floor. The carpet was soft, the roof existed, the place was a dream come true.

"So," Luci said, "We're in your bedroom, we're alone, what do you want to do?" It may have just been Sam, but every one of those words felt suggestive as they came out of his boyfriend's mouth.

"That depends," Sam said, "Do you want to cut your hair before or after making out?"

Luci lay down on his side and said, "You told your family about my gender so I'd feel comfortable, didn't you?"

Sam nodded, smiling at his boyfriend.

"Come here," Luci said.

Sam obeyed instantly, his lips meeting Luci's softly. Luci kissed back with rough force. Sam quickly picked up the pace to match his boyfriend's intensity. Luci rolled Sam on his back and straddled his hips, kissing furiously. Sam ran his hands up Luci's sides as Luci dug his fingers in Sam's hair.

They broke apart for a moment to calm down a bit. Sam smiled up at Luci, and Luci drowned Sam with his intense, dark gaze. From where Luci was seated, there was no way he didn't know how turned on by all this Sam was.

Luci leaned back down to kiss Sam, but his long hair got in the way and in Sam's mouth.

Sam sputtered, and Luci rolled off of him laughing.

"Okay," Luci said, "Maybe the hair should go now."

Sam chuckled and tried to will his boner away. "Yeah, probably," he said, "How short do you want it?"

"Shorter than yours," Luci said, tousling Sam's hair playfully.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Sam asked.

Luci handed him the clippers and said, "More than anything."

Sam said, "Alright, does this thing have a cord or-"

"It's battery operated," Luci said.

Sam nodded appreciatively and said, "Nice." He switched on the clippers. "How short is too short?" he asked.

Luci said, "Not as short as your brother's. I still want it to be a little shaggy."

"Okay," Sam said. He grabbed the balled up blanket and had Luci sit on top of it. They didn't exactly own a vacuum, and Sam didn't want to even think about the shit Dean would give him if he found Luci's hair trimmings all over Sam's floor.

So, with everything in place, Sam went to work trimming down Luci's hair. He buzzed off the first large lock of hair, and his heart leaped into his throat. He hoped Luci knew he'd never done this sort of thing before. Since Sam had already started, he felt no need to stress Luci out by telling him now. He continued trimming until he could see the back of Luci's neck. Then, he started focusing on evening out what was left to work with.

While Sam worked, Luci asked, "So, are Charlie and Dorothy together?"

Sam laughed and said, "I have no idea. As far as I know, they're just friends, but I wouldn't be surprised if Charlie was interested. Not sure if Dorothy swings that way, though."

Luci hummed to himself and said, "I think they'd make a cute couple."

Sam had to agree, but he didn't feel like it was his place to say anything to either of the girls.

Sam turned off the clippers and asked, "What do you think?"

Luci felt his hair and turned to face Sam with an ecstatic grin. "Do you have a mirror?" he asked.

Sam's boyfriend was positively thrumming with excitement. It was sort of amazing to see.

"Yeah," Sam said, "In the bathroom."

Sam led Luci to the bathroom at the front of the hall.

Luci hopped inside and instantly studied his reflection.

"So?" Sam asked.

Luci felt the back of his neck, and his smile pushed up into his eyes. "I love it," he said, "I feel so light now." Luci squeezed Sam with a crushing hug. "Thank you, Sam," he said.

"Back to my room?" Sam asked.

Luci nodded emphatically, released Sam, and raced to the room. Sam had never seen Luci so happy. He only hoped he could make his boyfriend this happy all the time.

Sam joined Luci in his room and grinned.

Luci was staring at all the left over hair. "That's a lot of hair," he said, "I'm never having my hair that long again."

"Are your parents going to be okay with this?" Sam asked.

Luci sighed happily and said, "No. They're going to freak out, but I don't care. You have no idea how good it feels to see my reflection. I've never felt more like myself ever."

"I'm glad you're happy," Sam said.

"Happy? Happy doesn't even-" Luci started. He cut himself off by kissing Sam within an inch of his life.

Sam kicked the blanket full of hair out of the way and brought them down to the ground. Luci rolled Sam on his back and pinned his hand above his head as Luci kissed trails across Sam's face and neck. Sam couldn't even think from how good it felt.

After several minutes of blissful abuse from Luci's mouth, Luci sat back, rocking against Sam's hips pleasantly.

"I love you," Luci said.

Sam stared at his boyfriend. Did he just-

"I love you, too," Sam replied quickly. He kissed Luci hard, dragging a moan from his boyfriend's lips.

They stayed in Sam's room for a few hours, rolling from Luci straddling Sam to making out side by side. Occasionally, they'd break for air, sometimes talking, sometimes cuddling. It felt like Heaven or a very delicious kind of Hell.

Eventually, Luci had to leave.

When Sam came back from walking him out, Dean tossed a box of condoms at him with an impish grin on his face.

"Dean, what the-" Sam started.

"He's got a vagina, you've got a penis, and kids aren't the only thing you could catch from being stupid," Dean said, "Now, what do you want for dinner?"

Sam sighed and threw the box in his room. "Burgers?" he called. Maybe they'd be able to have something slightly better than McDonald's tonight.

Charlie opened her door and asked, "Someone say burgers?"

"Burgers it is!" Dean said.

Sam returned from his room to see Dean pull out a package of ground beef.

"Wait, you're making burgers? We have food?" Sam asked.

"Well, I can't start at school till next semester," Dean said, "So, yeah, I got us food. Furniture shopping this weekend, too."

Sam opened the fridge and smiled. It wasn't a lot, and there was unsurprisingly a package of bacon in there, but Dean had gotten some of the green stuff Sam liked, too.

Best. Day. Ever.


	13. Don't Look Back

They had the apartment to themselves. Sam was at the movies with Luci, Dean was work, and Dorothy sat the corner of their room, reading a well worn book.

What Charlie wouldn't have given for a book...or a TV. The apartment had nothing. They didn't even have cheap magnets to watch slide down the refrigerator.

"What are you reading?" Charlie asked, breaking the silence.

Dorothy looked up, slightly startled. She blinked a few times and set the book down. "It's, uh, it's The Hobbit," she said.

Charlie smiled to herself. Of course it was. As if Charlie wasn't into her enough already.

"What?" Dorothy asked at Charlie's smile.

"I love The Hobbit," Charlie said.

Dorothy grinned and asked, "Have you read it before?"

And there it was. Crossing into that territory of personal information.

"Yeah," Charlie said, "You should keep reading it. I didn't mean to interrupt."

Dorothy smiled and scooted over towards Charlie. "You want to do something?" she asked.

Charlie asked, "Like what?"

"We could play tic-tac-toe," Dorothy said.

"On what? We don't have paper or anything," Charlie said.

Dorothy dragged her finger through the carpet in front of them and made a grid.

"See, this is why we keep you around," Charlie said, laughing, "X's or O's?"

Dorothy shrugged and said, "Your choice."

Charlie dug an X into the center square.

Dorothy slowly formed an O in the box to the left of the X and asked, "So, how'd you like The Hobbit?"

Charlie swallowed. She said, "It's personal, and I don't know if you'd actually want to hear my story, so I'd rather-"

"I'd like to hear your story if you want to tell me," Dorothy said.

Charlie paused. She wasn't entirely sure if she wanted to bring it up. The less she talked about it, the easier it was.

"How about this?" Charlie said, "You show me yours, I'll show you mine."

Dorothy grinned and said, "You don't want to know about me."

Charlie laughed, "Well, that's just not true."

Dorothy blushed slightly. "I don't know," she said, "I don't want to scare you off."

Charlie's imagination started running. What could scare Charlie off? Was Dorothy affiliated with the mafia? Was she a serial killer?

"I doubt you will," Charlie said, "But I'll go first if that's easier."

Dorothy nodded and gave Charlie her full attention.

"Okay," Charlie said, "Well, to answer your question, I love The Hobbit. My mom used to read it to me all the time as a kid, and that's why-" She paused. She didn't want to get all emotional in front of Dorothy. She took a deep breath and explained, "My parents were in a car accident a few years ago. My dad died right away, but my mom was in the hospital. They didn't know if she'd wake up. The first time I read The Hobbit for myself, I was reading it to my mom. I read it to her until they took her off of life support."

Dorothy gave Charlie a sympathetic look, but she didn't look away or show her any pity. It helped Charlie to breathe a little easier.

Charlie continued, "I was in the foster system for a couple months, but that guy wasn't exactly nice, so I ran off. I hit the streets and after a few years, I met you. That's really all there is to tell."

Dorothy covered Charlie's hand with hers, squeezing her fingers reassuringly. "I'm sorry you lost your parents," she said, "I, uhh, I kind of lost mine, too."

"Kind of?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy took her hand back and said, "They lost me, actually."

Charlie watched Dorothy, seeing if she'd continue. Dorothy looked at Charlie, deciding whether to speak.

"They kicked me out," Dorothy said, "I realized a while ago that I liked girls, and I started liking this girl at school. She didn't feel the same way, made a big stink to the principal about getting different classes from me. And that's how my parents found out."

"And they kicked you out for that?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy nodded, blinking enough to tell Charlie that she was close to tears. "Yeah," she said, voice cracking a little, "They, uhh, they said I needed to go to conversion therapy. I told them there was nothing wrong with me, and they told me I couldn't stay there. My mom told me I'm not part of the family anymore and my dad, well, he said I'm dead to him."

"Shit," Charlie said, "I'm so sorry."

"I tried getting them to let me back in," Dorothy said, a few tears slipping, "But they...they actually locked me out. I went back everyday, trying to get them to talk to me. I mean, it's not like I'm a different person or anything. I'm still me. But they don't see it that way, I guess. And then I met you."

"You haven't gone back since we've been hanging out, though," Charlie said.

Dorothy nodded and said, "You make me feel more comfortable. Why would I keep putting myself through their rejection when you and Sam and Dean seem to like me just fine?"

"That's a fair point," Charlie said, "What about that was supposed to scare me off?"

Dorothy said, "I wasn't sure how you'd take my sexuality."

"You know I'm gay, right?" Charlie asked.

"Well, yeah," Dorothy said.

Charlie said, "Dorothy, unlike your parents, I personally like that you're a lesbian."

Dorothy laughed a little and wiped her face on the back of her sleeve. "And why's that?" she asked. Charlie's heart thudded in her chest. She said, "Because we have absolutely no shortage of queer in this place. It's great."

"Well, except Dean," Dorothy said.

Charlie laughed and said, "I dunno. If he found the right guy, you never know what could happen."

"And then we could paint the walls rainbow and have a pride parade in our living room," Dorothy joked.

Charlie flopped back on the carpet laughing. Dorothy joined her, totally obscuring their attempted tic-tac-toe game.

Charlie tried not to be too excited about Dorothy being a lesbian. She tried really hard. Slowly, she started moving her arms and legs across the carpet.

"What are you doing?" Dorothy asked.

"Making a carpet angel," Charlie said.

Dorothy raised her eyebrows, expecting an explanation.

When Charlie was done, she hopped up and gestured to the carpet. "See?" she said.

Dorothy stood up and smiled. "I think that would be more effective in the snow," she said.

Charlie said, "Well, yeah, of course it would, but we don't have snow, we have carpet, so carpet angels." She flopped back down and started making a new one.

Dorothy grinned down at her. "You look ridiculous," she said.

Charlie said, "I look ridiculous? You're the one not making a carpet angel."

Dorothy rolled her eyes and laid down next to Charlie. After a minute, they were both making carpet angels.

"Hey, Charlie?" Dorothy asked.

"Yeah?" Charlie replied, staring up at the ceiling.

"If you liked me, would you tell me?" Dorothy asked.

Charlie stopped making her carpet angel. She propped herself up on an elbow and looked at Dorothy.

"What do you mean?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy said, "Well, I just want to know...if you had feelings for me, would I know already, or would you keep it to yourself?"

Charlie froze, staring at Dorothy. How the fuck should she answer that? Either answer would be telling Dorothy that she liked her or that she didn't. But she didn't want to lie to her. But they had to share a room, they just moved in together. What if she- Screw it.

Charlie took a deep breath and said, "I would keep it to myself."

Dorothy nodded and asked, "And if I asked you how you felt about me-"

"I'd tell you the truth."

"So, how-"

"I like you, Dorothy," Charlie said quickly.

Dorothy smiled and said, "Good."

Charlie didn't move, stunned. What?

"Wait, what?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy said, "Well, it would be fairly awkward to share a room if you didn't feel the same way."

"Wait, you-you what?" Charlie stammered.

Dorothy rolled on her side and smiled at Charlie. "I like you. I have for a while now, actually," she said.

Charlie laughed and hoped it didn't come out too hysterical.

Dorothy asked, "Would you mind if I kissed you?"

Charlie couldn't function enough to form words. She pressed her lips to Dorothy's softly. Dorothy slid closer to her, kissing her back.

Charlie broke the kiss, grinning from ear to ear. "We must get some serious dyke points for moving in together before even kissing," she said.

Dorothy laughed and kissed Charlie again.


	14. Movin' On

Castiel stared at his door. This couldn't be happening. And yet it was. The pink eviction notice glared at him from where it was taped to his apartment door. He'd called his dad, he'd told him about the missing rent. Everything should've been fine.

Castiel pulled out his cell phone and called his dad right there in the middle of his hallway. It would've been a good plan if his hallway wasn't a dead zone.

Castiel walked inside his apartment, waited till he had signal and dialed again. His dad's voicemail picked up quickly.

A sliver of icy fear pressed into Castiel's chest. He hung up and dialed again. His dad's phone was ringing, it was definitely on, but the voicemail kicked in again. Castiel hung up and called again. And again. And again.

And again.

After hearing the voicemail half a dozen times, he fought the urge to throw his phone against the wall and managed to leave a message.

"Hey, Dad," Castiel said after the beep, "I got an eviction notice today. They say I've got two days to pay the rent, Dad. Either that or I'll be kicked out. I'd really rather not be homeless, so if you could call me back, that'd be great."

Castiel stared at his silent phone, waiting for it to ring, for five full minutes before he snatched up his phone and called his dad again. The voicemail answered him, and Castiel slipped his phone in his pocket, rushing back out of his apartment. He needed to breathe and relax.

He headed for the Roadhouse. Maybe his friends would know what he should do. His feet knew before his head how much he didn't want to tell them about the situation. He barely knew any of them. His problems would be a burden at best.

His feet brought him to the library. It was getting late, but Castiel's refuge was still open. He didn't want to bother his friends, but if he slipped into the archives and lost himself in someone else's life, maybe he could forget his own for a while.

He hurried through the front door and bee lined for the archive room. He reached the stairwell when he heard someone call, "Castiel!"

Castiel stopped halfway to the second floor and turned around to see Gabriel looking up at him from the lower staircase.

"Hey, are you okay?" Gabriel asked.

Castiel made no move to descend the stairs, but replied, "Yes, I'm fine."

"You don't look fine," Gabriel said, climbing the stairs to make it easier to talk, "I saw you walk in here. You look like someone ran over your dog."

"I don't have a dog," Castiel said.

"Not the point," Gabriel said, "What's going on?"

"It's complicated."

"So, explain it to me."

"It's a long story."

"I've got all night."

Castiel sighed, seeing that Gabriel wasn't going to give him a moment's peace if he didn't tell him.

"I got an eviction notice," Castiel said.

Gabriel's eyes widened. "Shit, what happened?" he asked.

"My dad pays my rent," Castiel said, "He didn't want me to have to work and have a full course load. But he didn't pay my rent or something else happened, and I can't get a hold of him, and I'm really worried that-"

Gabriel hopped up the steps between them and hugged Castiel. "It's gonna be okay," he said, "We'll figure this out."

"What do you mean?" Castiel asked, pulling back.

Gabriel slapped a hand on Castiel's shoulder and said, "You're part of the group now. We take care of each other."

"You don't let them take care of you," Castiel pointed out.

Gabriel ignored Castiel's comment and said, "C'mon, let's go to the Roadhouse and see if we can't figure something out."

"Aren't you working?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel pulled Castiel back down to the first floor. Once back in the lobby, Gabriel called out, "Hey, Naomi, clock me out. My friend's having a crisis."

Castiel warmed at Gabriel's mention of him as his friend. It was nice not being alone. The librarian behind the circulation desk, Naomi, rolled her eyes and waved Gabriel off.

"You're not going to get in trouble for this?" Castiel asked as they walked outside.

Gabriel said quickly, "Nah, it's fine. She hates working with me anyway."

They got to the Roadhouse in no time at all.

Two women were making out against the building. Castiel averted his eyes quickly. Gabriel ripped the door open and pushed Castiel inside.

"I don't want to make a big deal out of this," Castiel said.

"Make a big deal out of what?" Balthazar asked, walking past with enough orders of nachos to feed a small army.

Castiel looked at Gabriel, worried. He barely knew these guys. They were nice enough to hang out with, but this was too personal, too big for acquaintances to help with.

Gabriel smiled and said, "Relax. C'mon." He steered Castiel towards the booths near the foosball tables where Benny and Balthazar were digging into the piles of nachos.

Benny looked up at Gabriel, grinning, and asked, "You see those lesbians outisde?"

Castiel sat down in the booth across from Balthazar.

Gabriel, scooting in next to Castiel, asked Benny, "How do you know they're lesbians?"

Benny rolled his eyes and said, "Sorry, sorry. I didn't think to ask for their specific sexualities, Gabriel. Let me try again. Did you see the two gorgeous women making out outside?"

Before Gabriel could respond, a voice came from the booth behind them, "Hey, those are my roommates you're talking about."

The voice was so close to the back of Castiel's head, he froze, keeping completely still with his eyes glued to the table. Didn't people respect personal space anymore?

"Well, Dean, I hate to break it to you," Benny said, looking just above Castiel's head, "But your roommates are hot."

Castiel wanted to crawl away from the table and be anywhere away from physically in the middle of this conversation.

The guy behind Castiel said, "We'll talk about this at work."

Benny laughed and said, "Yeah, like you'll take time away from that car of yours to talk to me."

"I will if you're talking about my friends like they're pieces of meat," Dean said.

Benny said defensively, "I was not objectifying them."

"You kinda were," Gabriel said.

"Shut up," Benny said.

Dean laughed and said, "I gotta go get my brother before he comes home with a dog or something. Just watch it, dude."

Benny smiled and waved as Castiel heard the shifting behind him of Benny's friend getting up to leave. Benny looked at Castiel and said, "I hope you know I wasn't being disrespectful about the girls. I'm sure they're nice people. They're just nice people who happen to be very good looking."

Castiel just shrugged.

Benny sighed and said, "Someone change the subject before I say something else the wrong way."

Balthazar said quickly, "Well, Cassie here has something he doesn't want to make a big deal out of."

Benny looked at Castiel with eyebrows raised, and Castiel dropped his head to the table.

Gabriel patted his shoulder. "He got an eviction notice," he explained.

"Oh, shit," Benny said, "They cut your hours at work or something?"

Castiel lifted his head off the table and said, "I don't have a job."

At the confused looks around the table, Gabriel said, "His pops pays the rent, but he's gone AWOL, not even answering the phone."

"Maybe it's just my phone," Castiel said. He knew he was grasping at straws. He'd heard his dad's answering machine. He knew something else was wrong.

Benny tossed Castiel his phone and said, "Guess you should find out."

Castiel dialed his dad's number again. After a couple of rings, voices in the background made it sound like his dad picked up.

"Dad?" Castiel said.

Immediately, the line went dead.

His dad couldn't be ignoring him. He couldn't.

Castiel dialed again and heard his father's voicemail. Holy shit.

Castiel handed back Benny's phone and sat back against his seat, stunned. His dad couldn't be avoiding his calls. He couldn't be. Why would he?

Benny gave Castiel a sympathetic glance. Gabriel looked at Castiel, worried. Balthazar pushed an order of nachos towards him.

After a moment of shocked silence, Benny said, "Wish we'd known about this sooner. Dean just got a new apartment. We could've asked him while he was here."

"I'm not going to ask someone I don't even know to let me move in," Castiel said.

"Why don't you move in with me?" Balthazar asked.

Castiel stared at him in shock. "You'd let me live with you?" he asked. Balthazar smiled and said, "I have a roommate, Garth, and I live on campus, so it's not what you'd call ideal, but it's better than the streets, right?"

"Don't they do floor inspections?" Gabriel asked.

"While they do inspections, Castiel can stay with me," Benny said.

"Are you sure?" Castiel asked, "Are you both sure about this?"

"Yeah," Balthazar said, "We'll take care of you. What are friends for?"

Benny nodded.

"Thank you," Castiel said softly. He didn't deserve this much kindness from them. He eyed the nachos in front of him and considered popping one in his mouth just because he didn't know what else to say. He'd never be able to thank them enough.

"So, when are you getting kicked out?" Gabriel asked.

Castiel said quietly, "Two days."

"What are you going to do with your stuff?" Benny asked.

Castiel dropped his head in his hands. "I don't know," he muttered, "I don't have much."

"Well, that'll make it easy," Gabriel said.

"Do you want to stay with me tonight?" Balthazar asked, "That way you can meet Garth, see the place, and you won't have to be alone."

"That's so thoughtful of you, Balthazar," Gabriel teased, "You almost had me thinking you have a heart."

Balthazar smirked at Gabriel as Castiel said, "I'd like that, Balthazar. Thank you."

Balthazar said, "Great. Now, that just leaves one question. Do you want to empty your apartment tonight?"

Castiel shrugged halfheartedly. He might as well get rid of all his stuff sooner rather than later. "Sure," he said.

Gabriel clapped Castiel on the back with a reassuring grin. Castiel could tell how every expression Gabriel had was carefully constructed and planned and forced. Gabriel might not have had an altogether genuine smile for Castiel, but he tried, and that's what counted.

After his friends devoured the remaining nachos, Castiel led them to his soon to be former apartment. He had some books that he fit into his backpack, but they were all for school. He had some clothes he fit in his bag, too.

Otherwise, the bedspread, the beanbag chair, his small movie collection, his copy of To Kill a Mockingbird, and the few posters he had were all destined for abandonment.

Later, as Benny tossed the last piece of Castiel's life into the dumpster, Balthazar put an arm around Castiel's shoulders. "It'll be okay," he said.

Castiel looked at Gabriel and caught a haunted sadness in his eyes.

Gabriel quickly hid himself behind a sympathetic smile. "Don't worry, Castiel," he said, "We'll keep you fed and warm. You'll be okay."

They walked off towards Balthazar's dorm together.

Castiel wished they could've set fire to his old belongings. At least then, his life would be in ashes, and he wouldn't be so tempted to look back.

He wasn't worried about himself. He'd get by, his friends were clearly there for him.

He was worried about Gabriel and whatever pain he was hiding. He was worried about his dad and whatever was keeping him from contacting his son. But he wasn't worried about himself.

Castiel might miss his independence, but he'd be okay. He might not have anywhere to call his own, but he'd be okay.

He had to be.


	15. What a Wonderful World

Gabriel wished he could've offered to help Castiel out. He knew it wasn't his fault that his dad was the way he was. He definitely had the room at his place to help Castiel keep a roof over his head, but he couldn't subject anyone to his dad. He couldn't bare the look he'd get when Castiel would put two and two together after hearing his dad in a drunken rage. Gabriel didn't think he'd survive if his dad's wrath was focused on anyone but him. It was bad enough that his brothers were in the house, but if his dad took a swing at Benny, Balthazar, or Castiel...

It was beside the point. Castiel was living with Balthazar, though Gabriel wasn't entirely convinced their British friend's intentions were entirely honorable. The fact that Gabriel couldn't even consider his place as a safe haven for his friend put him in a rotten mood the next day.

Most of the time, he was able to keep himself in a calm state of numbness. It was easy. He was a piece of shit. Fact. Nothing painful about it. It was just the way of things. On days like this, when he was upset enough to drop his guard, everything was much worse. He wasn't just a piece of shit. He was the piece of shit. The scum of the earth, really. He didn't deserve to shut off his emotions. He deserved every ounce of hatred he could throw at himself. It wasn't just a fact that he could accept and move on from. The knowledge that Gabriel could and probably should die in order to make the world a less burdened place dug into him, because he knew he believed it. He knew he felt it. When he was numb, it was just a simple truth. When he felt something, he knew how much he hated himself. It wasn't just the way of things. It's the way things were in his head towards himself. On days like this, it was all Gabriel could do not to curl up and die no matter how much relief it would bring him.

"Hey," Kali said, snapping her fingers in front of Gabriel's face.

Gabriel jumped slightly and sighed. "Sorry," he said.

"What's going on?" she asked, "Where do you keep going?"

Gabriel sat back in his chair. They were eating lunch in the student center and relaxing between classes. He must've zoned out. Today was not one of his better days.

"Nothing's going on," Gabriel said, "I just spaced out."

Kali huffed and said, "Gabriel, I know you. When you start daydreaming, you make a joke or tell me what you were thinking or at least smile. Something's bothering you, I can tell."

"It's not a big deal," he said.

"If it's bothering you so badly that you didn't notice me offer you some candy," she said, "It's clearly a big deal."

"You were going to give me candy?" Gabriel asked.

Kali sighed in frustration and said, "Gabriel, what is going on?"

"No, but seriously, you were giving me candy?"

"Gabriel."

"I just have some stuff bugging me. I'll be fine," Gabriel said reluctantly.

Kali folded her arms across her chest. "And it's something that you don't feel like sharing?" she pressed.

Gabriel said, "Yeah, it's my shit. I'll deal with it."

"You know you can talk to me," she said.

"Yeah, I know I can," he said, "But it's personal."

"Everything's personal," she said.

Gabriel gave her a confused look.

"You barely tell me anything, Gabriel. Something bothers you? It's none of my business. Something happens, and you just keep me shut out. I'd feel like you were pushing me away, but you never let me in to begin with," Kali snapped, "I'm trying to be here for you. I'm trying to support you with whatever you've had going on. You can see that, can't you?"

"You don't have to be there for me, Kali. I'm fine," Gabriel said.

Kali sighed, staring at Gabriel. "I know you don't believe that, but if you want to lie to me, fine," she said.

Gabriel didn't have anything to say in response that wasn't another lie.

"Maybe this isn't working out," Kali said, "We can be friends if you want, but I can't keep dating you, not like this."

He felt it. He felt it before she said. He knew it was coming for weeks, months even. And honestly, Gabriel deserved it. He deserved to be unloved and unwanted the way he knew he was. He deserved less. If there was any justice, Kali would stab Gabriel in the chest, right in the heart, and watch the life flood from Gabriel's eyes. And just thinking that made Gabriel hate himself all the more.

"Okay," Gabriel said.

"Okay?" Kali asked, incredulous, "Okay? That's all you have to say about this? About us?"

"You haven't loved me in a long time, Kali. Let's not kid ourselves," Gabriel said.

Kali glared at him and said, "I don't love you, because you won't let me. And don't get me started on how we feel about each other. I don't even know if you ever felt anything for me."

The joke was on her; Gabriel tried his best not to feel anything all the time. He remained silent, realizing his words would only do more harm.

Kali stood up and walked around the table so that she towered over Gabriel in his seat. Her red dress clung to her like the fire that filled her words. "I don't know what's going on, and I don't know why you won't let me help, but I'm done trying. I'm sorry," she said.

She kissed him softly, and Gabriel felt nothing but remorse when his lips returned the motion.

Kali looked down at him sadly and said, "Please, Gabriel, even if it's not me, try to let someone in. People love you. You're not alone."

Gabriel grimaced but knew nothing he could say could make her take those words back.

"Have a nice life, sweetheart," she said. Just like that, Kali walked away from the table and out of his life.

On a normal day, Gabriel would accept it and move on.

Today was a bad day.

Instead of going to his last class or to the Roadhouse, Gabriel went home.

It was early enough that his dad was still out, so he felt no pause as he opened his front door. He stood for a moment, glancing down to the lower flat, before walking upstairs. He'd thought about that lower flat a lot. Sometimes, he thought he could move down there just for a refuge from his family, but his dad would never agree to it. Other times, he thought about how the rafters down there were sturdy and would easily help him hang himself. He'd thought about that many times. If he were ever to be that selfish, to leave his brothers undefended, to leave his father unrestrained, that would be how he'd do it. He'd figure out how to make a noose, he'd go down to that lower flat, and if he was lucky, no one would ever know.

Gabriel could never be that selfish. He knew that. That knowledge ached. All he wanted was some peace. Peace from his father, peace from his family, and peace from that evil voice in his head reminding him how horrible and useless and worthless and helpless and awful and stupid and bad and wrong he was.

He dropped his backpack in his room and stepped softly into the bathroom to take a shower. No amount of hot water would ever soothe him, but it never hurt to try.

Gabriel locked the door just in case someone came home early. He slowly pulled his pants and boxers down, throwing them in a heap in the corner. Once his shirt and socks joined them, he tried to avoid his reflection.

He didn't really have a problem with the way he looked. Sometimes his height bothered him, but that wasn't very often. It was just him. If his body belonged to someone else, he'd probably think he was attractive, but his body was tainted with the innate Gabriel-ness that he just couldn't stand.

He didn't feel like that all the time. It was just days like this. He'd pick at anything about himself if it would cause the slightest bit of pain on days like this. He'd look at his reflection and see flab where there should be muscle. He'd see blemishes where there should be smooth skin. He'd look into his reflection's eyes and see more scars than he'd ever have words for. And those unspoken words would choke him. They'd seep from his eyes and hands as he burned and shrieked in the most silent way, begging himself to just end it, to let it finally be over.

So, he dragged his eyes from the mirror and turned the water on faster than was really necessary.

The water warmed quickly and slid over him in a way that relaxed his stressed muscles. If only the warm water could do the same for his wretched mind.

Before he could even try to relax, he heard the front door slam open. He glanced at the still locked bathroom door. His dad was definitely home. The thumping and slamming sounds continued, and Gabriel turned the water pressure up, hoping the steady stream would drown his father out. It worked for the most part, but that still left the sounds of his own self loathing.

Gabriel stood under the water, letting it soak him thoroughly as he tried not to think or feel.

Minutes later, the sound of the creaky front door let Gabriel know his brothers were home. He tried to focus on the feel of the water trailing over his skin. He tried to hear only the rush of the shower, think only about the warmth and the wet.

Then, he heard the shouting. His brothers needed him. There were soft cries, Raphael presumably. There were louder protestations which were probably Michael's.

He wanted to leave, but he couldn't. Not when his brothers were out there. He wanted to stay in the shower and ignore them, but no amount of water in his ears would drown out the fighting.

And no amount of showering would cleanse him of the wrong he did to Kali. He couldn't forget the pain in her eyes. He knew she tried for a long time to get through to him. She just didn't understand. He was a lost cause, too broken to bother fixing. The shouting in the world beyond the bathroom was a testament to that.

Gabriel needed to leave, he needed to stay, he needed to hide, he needed to save his brothers. He needed to do something, focus on something.

Gabriel stepped out of the shower and opened the medicine cabinet above the sink. Under his tube of toothpaste was a small razor. It was supposed to be attached to a box cutter, but it suited Gabriel's purposes just fine without it.

He hopped back in the shower, letting the hot water warm him from being in the cold bathroom air. He turned the razor over in his hand.

"Dad, don't!" Michael shouted.

Gabriel hated that he could hear him clearly over the running water, through the shower door, through the bathroom door, and down a hallway. He hated it. It was a good thing he hated himself just as much, or that hatred would have no release.

At the next shout, Gabriel dug the razor into his shoulder, slicing the skin open. It wasn't deep, just enough to bleed and sting. That was all he needed. It wasn't about scars, none of his cuts were ever bad enough to leave any. It was about pain.

He carved out his pain in his shoulders, slice after slice. He couldn't help Castiel when he needed it. He hurt Kali over and over again by keeping her at arm's length. He couldn't do anything more than pretend to be a friend. He couldn't do anything more than be a shadow of a person. He was nothing more than a broken mask, and as he watched the blood run down his arms and chest, caught in the streams of water, he hated himself more than ever.

His head felt clearer, he felt calmer, more stable. A healthy person wouldn't need to physically cut into their own flesh in order to feel something other than blind self-loathing and emptiness. Nothing could ever make Gabriel hate himself more than how utterly broken he was. He wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough to be anything more than the facsimile he had become.

Gabriel ran water over his shoulders until the water ran clear, applying pressure every so often to help stop the bleeding. Afterwards, he quickly soaped up and showered, toweling off quickly. He took the time to put some gauze over his shoulders. It wasn't for his benefit that he bandaged up. It was so, if his dad shoved him hard, he wouldn't start bleeding through his shirt. He didn't want to his brothers to see. Honestly, if they knew, they probably wouldn't care, but he still worried what would happen if they did.

He taped the gauze down, pulled his clothes back on, pushed his wet hair out of his face, and unlocked the bathroom door.

Quickly, he slapped an impish grin on his face, and walked into the hall, calling out, "Someone start the party without me?"

He took a quick assessment of the situation. His dad had Michael pinned against the wall, and Raphael stood over in the doorway, watching with fear. There was someone with him. Michael's friend. Adam.

Shit.

Gabriel took quick strides into the room and punched his dad hard in the side of the head, knocking him to the floor unconscious.

Michael went over to Adam and Raphael, not giving Gabriel a second glance. Gabriel knelt next to his father and felt for a pulse. Like hell was he going to jail for this bastard. Luckily, his dad was just knocked out and not dead.

Even though it was still the early afternoon, his dad already smelled like beer. Gabriel hoisted his dad up, dragging him across the floor to his bedroom. He could feel the cuts in his shoulders break open and sting like they started bleeding again. He tossed his dad on his bed, without help from his brothers, and placed him in the recovery position just in case his dad was already drunk.

Gabriel wished that Adam hadn't been there to see that. It was bad enough Michael, Raphael, and Gabriel lived it every day. He didn't need to have that kid's horrified and pitying stare etched into his head.

Without any words to the others, Gabriel headed to his room, burning with shame.


	16. No One Like You

Dean sighed as he stepped on the CTA. It had been a long day, and it was going to be an even longer train ride. The train car was completely packed. Dean knew he'd be standing all the way to the Damen stop.

But it was the last day of school for the semester. It was almost Christmas, so Dean wasn't about to let a crowded train ride get under his skin.

Dean, Sam, Charlie, and Dorothy had had the apartment for just under a year. Dean, Charlie, and Dorothy had enrolled at UIC while Sam continued to breeze his way through high school. After the third time Rufus caught him doing homework in the Impala, he didn't have to work except for breaks from school. Somehow, Dean had passed all of his classes, and he was starting to feel like maybe he could really do this. Maybe he could really have a future for himself. Things were going very well. Hell, Dean had even managed to get laid last week.

Now, school was out, Dean was free, and he couldn't wait to get home. He stuck his backpack between his legs on the ground and braced himself for a whole ride with standing room only.

As the doors slid shut, Dean's phone rang. "Sam?" he answered, "What's going on?"

"Luci and I are at the Anti-Cruelty Society-" Sam started.

Dean cut him off, "For the last time, we're not getting a dog."

"Dean, I know you don't like dogs, but-"

"I said it when we first moved in, and I'll say it again," Dean said, "I don't do dogs, but if that were the only thing, you'd have a dog. Dorothy's allergic to dogs. Dorothy lives with us. No dogs, Sam."

"Oh, right," Sam said, "I forgot she has allergies. We're covered in dog hair right now. What do I do?"

Dean sighed as the train lurched to the side. He was honestly shocked he was still getting cell reception. The doors opened at the Clinton stop as Dean said, "When you and Luci get home, go straight to your room, change, and throw your clothes in the washer."

"Okay. Sorry, Dean," Sam said.

The line cut out. Whether he lost the signal on the train or Sam hung up, Dean didn't know.

He pocketed his phone as the train pulled up to LaSalle. He couldn't wait to get to Jackson. Everyone always got off at Jackson, so Dean might get to have some breathing room before getting to his stop. The size of the crowd that forced its was in at LaSalle left little hope for that, though.

Finally, the train doors opened at Jackson. A large exodus of commuters commenced, surging out to the platform. In the chaotic separation of train riders, a woman was shoved roughly into Dean's chest. He quickly helped her right her as she blushed and apologized.

Something about her brown hair struck Dean. "Lisa?" he asked.

She looked up at him, confused. "Wait, Dean?" Lisa replied, shocked.

Dean smiled, and Lisa gasped, "Oh my God, Dean Winchester! How've you been?"

Dean remembered all the times they'd spent together in high school, all the nights he spent at her parents' house, all the times they ate lunch together and talked between classes. He hadn't had a real relationship since Cassie, but Lisa always stood out as his first love. At least, in his head, that's how he remembered her. None of his one night stands could ever stand up to how in love he'd been with Lisa.

So much had happened in the four years since he'd seen her last.

"I've been good," Dean said, "What about you? What've you been up to?"

"Oh, you know, just been around," Lisa said, smiling, "We should catch up sometime."

"Well, what are you doing tonight?" Dean asked.

Lisa's eyes betrayed some hint of worry that told Dean not to get his hopes up. "I'd love to do something, but-" Lisa said.

Dean asked, "Boyfriend?"

Lisa grinned like he'd made a funny joke and said, "No, no boyfriend. It's just, umm..." She sighed and pulled out her phone. She quickly typed something and said, "You know what? I'd love to. You thinking dinner?"

"Dinner, yeah," Dean said, "I'd say I'd pick you up, but I don't exactly have a car." And it would be in the shop for a long time if he couldn't get new engine parts for that beautiful machine.

Lisa handed her phone to Dean and said, "Give me your number and address. I'll call, and we can either meet at your place or a restaurant or whatever. Sound good?"

Dean didn't need to be told twice. He typed his information in and gave Lisa her phone back.

"Great," Lisa said, smiling.

The train slowed to a stop at Division.

Lisa said, "This is me. I'll call you tonight, okay?"

Dean smiled as she stepped off the train. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had an actual date, let alone with Lisa Braeden. It was the perfect start to winter break.

The train left the subway tunnel and opened the doors to the Damen stop. Sunlight swathed the city cement as Dean stepped out into the chilly Chicago air. He couldn't wait for Lisa to call. He only checked his phone ten times between the Damen stop and his apartment. No big deal. There was nothing that could distract him from how excited he was.

Or so he thought.

Coming in the front door to see Sam and Luci, shirtless, pantsless, and making out heatedly on the couch definitely shook some of the delight from Dean's system.

"Sam, what the hell?" Dean snapped.

Sam scrambled off the couch, but Luci just laughed. Luci walked down the hall to Sam's room as if Dean hadn't just walked in on them. Sam stared at his feet, his face red.

"Please, put some pants on," Dean said. Sam went to his room in a hurry.

Dean sighed and fought the urge to drop himself on the couch. With the images now seared into his mind, he wasn't sure when he'd be able to sit on that couch again.

Instead, he wandered to the kitchen and leaned against the counter. He idly thought about if he'd ever have Lisa over, how he'd cook for her, make out with her against the counter, maybe fall in love again. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little jealous of his family. Charlie and Dorothy were always adorable together, and even though Luci was a tad annoying, he made Sam happy. It was hard not to feel lonely around the happy couples.

Dean checked his phone again as Sam, now clothed, sheepishly joined him in the kitchen.

"Dean, I'm sorry," Sam said.

Dean put his phone in his pocket and said, "It's fine. I don't care. Just, please, tell me you didn't have sex on my couch."

"Oh! No, we don't-I mean, we haven't-" Sam sputtered.

"You haven't slept with him?" Dean asked, shocked. Considering the noises he'd heard coming from Sam's room over the last few months, Dean was beyond surprised.

Sam's face went red. He said quietly, "Sex is...uh...complicated."

"Okay, not my business," Dean said, "Glad I don't have to burn the couch. Just keep it in your room, okay? You've got a bed, use that."

Sam smiled and nodded.

Before Sam walked away, Dean said, "You guys are on your own for dinner tonight. That okay? No one's gonna burn down the building?"

"Yeah, we'll live. Where are you going to be?" Sam asked.

"I have a date-"

"A date? With who?"

"Lisa, actually."

Sam stopped and stared at Dean in disbelief. "Lisa? Your Lisa? Like haven't-seen-her-since-Indiana Lisa?" he asked.

"Lisa Braeden. Yes," Dean said.

"She's here? How?" Sam asked.

"It's been four years, Sam," Dean said, "Anything could've happened. We're going out to dinner to catch up."

Just then, Dean's phone rang.

Sam grinned at Dean and went back to join Luci in his room.

Dean answered his phone, "Hello?"

"Hey, Dean. It's Lisa," she said.

"Hey," he said.

"So," she said, "Where do you want to go for dinner?"

Dean said, "There's a pretty good sandwich shop near here if you're interested."

"Sounds good. When do you want to go?"

"Whenever's good for you." Lisa said, "How about I come over in an hour, and we go then?"

"Sure. Just call when you're close, and I'll meet you downstairs," Dean said.

"Okay," Lisa said, "Can't wait. See you then."

When she hung up, Dean felt incredibly nervous. He hadn't been on a date in forever. What if he screwed it up? Before he could over-think things further, Dean quickly hopped in the shower.

An hour passed faster than Dean was prepared for. In no time at all, Lisa was calling, and Dean was pulling on his boots and jacket. Hopefully, Charlie and Dorothy wouldn't come home to catch Sam and Luci the same way he had.

He raced downstairs but stopped just before the door in an attempt to look casual. Slowly, casually, he went outside.

Lisa was just coming up the walk. Dean smiled and Lisa, after seeing him, returned the expression.

"Hi, sorry I'm a little late," Lisa said.

Dean said, "You're definitely not late. Ready to go?"

"Yeah, but, uh," Lisa said, looking at her shoes for a moment, "First, I gotta ask. Is this a date?"

Dean really wanted it to be a date, but he said, "It is if you want it to be."

Lisa smiled brightly and took Dean's hand in hers. "I'd really like it to be a date. I haven't had a date in a long time," she said.

"Then, it's a date," Dean said happily.

They started walking towards the sandwich shop when Dean asked, "So, what've you been doing for the last four years? What's your story now?"

Lisa laughed and said, "How about you go first?"

"Well, now I'm curious."

"And I'll tell you, I just don't want to end the date before it starts. My story's a little complex."

"Now, you have to tell me," Dean said. After seeing the look on her face, though, he said, "But I'll go first if that makes you more comfortable."

Lisa nodded gratefully, and Dean said, "I warn you, my story's pretty boring."

He opened the door to the sandwich shop. They got their food and sat down at a table near the windows.

Lisa looked at Dean expectantly.

"Oh, right, my story," Dean said, "Well, uhh. After Indiana, we bounced around a bit, but Sam and I moved here. And last year, we got an apartment."

"Where were you living before getting the apartment?" Lisa asked.

Dean debated between answering her question or shoving the entirety of his sandwich into his mouth to avoid it. He said carefully, "Nowhere in particular."

Lisa gave Dean a confused look.

He decided to bite the bullet. "We were homeless," he clarified.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Lisa said, clearly embarrassed she'd said anything.

"It's fine," Dean said, "We've got a place. Everything's great. Sam's doing well in school, I got my GED and am actually at UIC right now, and I've even got a job. Things are much better."

"That's good. What do you do for work?" she asked.

Dean said, "I work at Rufus' garage during breaks from school. It's pretty fun."

Lisa smiled and said, "Yeah, you always did like cars."

"As I recall, you were always more of a fan of what we did in cars," Dean said.

Lisa looked up at Dean with a knowing smile.

"So, what've you been up to?" Dean asked.

Lisa sighed and sat back as Dean took a bite of his sandwich. "Well, I'm teaching yoga," she said.

Dean couldn't help but grin like an idiot. Hell yeah, his hot ex-girlfriend was a yoga instructor.

"I also wait tables," she said. She looked at him, biting her lip a little. "Mostly, I spend my time with Ben," she said.

"I thought you said you didn't have a boyfriend," Dean said.

Lisa laughed a little and said, "He's not my boyfriend, Dean. He's my son."

Dean paused for a moment. He must've misheard her. Clearly. They were only twenty years old. Lisa couldn't have a...but what else could she have said.

"Wait, what?" Dean tried. It was as articulate as he could manage given the short circuiting his brain was doing.

"I have a son," Lisa said, making a pointed effort to look Dean in the eye, "His name is Ben, he's four years old, and that's mainly what I've been doing since I saw you last."

"So, that's why you didn't want to go out with me at first?" Dean asked.

Lisa said, "Yeah, I had to get my parents to watch him. I don't usually have time for dating or going out."

Dean nodded and looked at his half eaten sandwich. He should run. There was a voice in the back of his head screaming at him to run. She's a mom, damn it. Mom's are off limits. Kids are responsibility. Kids are mess. Kids are trouble. No kids. No moms. This has been the rule since day one.

But Dean stayed.

Lisa must've been sixteen when she had the kid. She probably wasn't in school, almost definitely since she said she had two jobs. She didn't have a boyfriend, so she was probably alone with all of this. It took two to have a kid, and it definitely wasn't fair to Lisa that her first date in a long time was with a commitment-phobic douche bag who had more issues than he'd probably ever say out loud while her asshole baby daddy had absolutely no strings attached and no responsibility for the mess he'd left.

Something very scary clicked in Dean's brain. Something very, uncomfortably scary.

He looked at Lisa as nonchalantly as he could, which probably wasn't saying much, and asked, "So, umm, when's Ben's birthday?"

"May 6th, why?" Lisa asked.

Dean frantically ran numbers in his head. He'd last slept with Lisa in August of that year. It was right before school was going into session. He and Sam were had to skip town soon, because Dean legally speaking was too old for high school, but that certainly didn't stop truancy officers from trying. It was a kind of goodbye sex. It was definitely memorable.

August was definitely nine months away from May.

Oh.

God.

Dean looked up at Lisa, fear visible on his face without question.

Lisa laughed, and Dean, for a moment, was sure he'd have a heart attack.

"Are you-" Lisa tried, still laughing, "Are you worried he's yours?"

Dean tried to laugh like it had been a silly fear, too, but that fear was still sitting in his stomach like a lead weight.

"Well, not worried so much as-" he started.

"Dean," she said, smiling, "He's not yours. You're off the hook. After you left, I might've had some pretty sloppy flings. One of them was a little more sloppy than the others. You're fine."

"So, the guy didn't stick around?" Dean asked.

Lisa shook her head. "I told him about it, obviously, but I made it clear that it was his choice. We were kids. I didn't want to derail someone's life. Plus, he was kind of a jerk. Spend the rest of my life with that? Yeah, no thanks," she said, "He didn't want anything to do with it, and honestly, that was probably for the best."

Dean didn't entirely know what to say to that. It was impressive and certainly shocking that she'd chosen to be a single parent in the middle of high school, but that really couldn't be easy. There were quite literally no words that Dean could use that could follow a story like that.

Lisa sensed the awkward silence as much as Dean did.

"So, I guess I should ask. Is this still a date?" Lisa asked.

Dean should've run. Dean should've apologized that he wasn't a bigger person, and he should've run. She would've understood.

But he didn't. He stayed right where he was.

Maybe he wouldn't have to meet Ben. Maybe if he did meet Ben, he'd like him.

"Yeah, this is still a date," Dean said, "I have no experience with kids, so I'm not sure how much of a help I can be there, but-"

"I'm not asking you to help raise my son, Dean. I'm just asking if you still want to date me," Lisa said.

Dean smiled, leaned across the table, and kissed Lisa. She kissed him back softly, and honestly, it felt amazing.

As Dean pulled back, he said, "Yes, I'd still like to date you."

Lisa beamed at him.

For the rest of the night, they talked about the smaller things. Lisa told him about her jobs and little things about Ben and her parents. Dean told her about living with Charlie and Dorothy and walking in on Sam and Luci.

He wasn't sure what he'd gotten himself into with Lisa, but they'd figure it out. Hopefully, he wouldn't fuck this up.

For the moment, though, it was nice just to be wanted.


	17. Look At You

There were two days until Christmas, but that wasn't why Sam paced through the living room like an excited puppy. Charlie and Dorothy sat on the couch, watching him stride back and forth. Luckily, Dean had taken Lisa out on a pre-Christmas date. Otherwise, Sam would've been receiving some serious judgment for worrying a rut in the floor.

When Luci had said he wanted to take Sam on a real date, Sam had been thrilled. They never really went anywhere; they just hung out at each other's homes. There wasn't anything wrong with that, though it did get awkward at Luci's place since his parents were still a bit bitter towards Sam for cutting their beautiful daughter's hair. It was nice to go out for a change.

What had Sam pacing, though, was being left in the dark. Luci wanted to keep the date a surprise and only told Sam when to be ready. And that was five minutes ago. Sam was so full of anxious excitement that he was sure if he stopped pacing, he'd explode in a cloud of nervous energy.

A knock came at the door. Sam nearly jumped out of his skin, and Charlie had to stifle a laugh. Sam opened the door.

And there he was. All baggy jeans, black leather jacket, and tousled blond hair, Luci leaned against the doorway with a lopsided grin. If some cheesy 1980s love ballad had started playing, Sam wouldn't have been at all surprised. Sam had to remind himself to breathe.

"Ready to go?" Luci asked.

Sam practically floated out the door. Once the door closed, he could hear Charlie and Dorothy cackling, but he didn't care.

"So, where are we going?" Sam asked.

Luci grinned and said, "I want to show you something. You'll love it, I promise." It didn't remotely answer Sam's question, but he didn't mind. Luci clearly knew where they were going; it was enough just to be with him.

When they got outside, Luci snaked an arm around Sam's waist. Sam leaned into his boyfriend as Luci led him down the street.

As if Sam's curiosity wasn't piqued enough, Luci paid to get them both on the CTA heading out of the city.

When they sat down on the train, Sam asked, "Are we leaving the city?"

Luci smiled. "You'll see," he said. He raised an arm in a motion for Sam to cuddle with him. Sam took the invitation readily, relaxing his head on Luci's chest.

"Can I know what stop we're getting off on?" Sam asked.

Luci just ran his fingers through Sam's hair.

After a half hour on the train, it became apparent that they were going on to the suburbs. At the very least, downtown Chicago was quite far away. They seemed to be headed for O'Hare.

Sam asked, "We're not leaving the state or anything, right?"

Luci chuckled. "No, we're staying in Illinois. Just relax," he said.

Not long after, Luci prompted him to get up at the Jefferson Park stop.

"Where are we going around here?" Sam asked.

Luci draped his arm over Sam's shoulders as they walked away from the train station. "You'll see," he said happily.

Sam sighed. He trusted Luci, and he was happy to play along. He was just so curious.

Sam said, "Y'know, it kind of feels like you're kidnapping me."

"Yes, Sam. I'm stealing you away so I might have my way with you," Luci said, laughing, "Sorry, my intentions are a bit more honorable. See?" He pulled open the door to a Lou Malnati's.

"Pizza?" Sam asked.

"Yep," Luci said, "Dinner first, then rest of the date."

Sam tried desperately not to read into what Luci had said about having his way with him as he tried to imagine what the hell the date could entail. He knew it wasn't sex. He knew they didn't do that. But sometimes he couldn't help but dream. Knowing what the plan was would really help stop his fantasizing.

They were seated quickly.

Right away, Luci said to their server, "We'd like a deep dish pizza, half sausage and half spinach and black olive."

The server jotted it down and went to put the order in.

"I'm assuming the spinach and olives is for me," Sam said.

"Yeah, I figured you'd like something stupid like that," Luci said, "That's okay, right? I probably should've asked you, but I want to save time."

"It's fine," Sam said. He was a little bewildered that he hadn't ordered for himself, but it was sort of flattering that Luci knew him well enough to take charge like that.

"Are we on a time crunch?" Sam asked.

Luci shook his head. "No, not really," he said, "But there is a certain timing I'm aiming for. If I get it right, you'll see what I mean."

Sam tried not to let that bother him. He was spending time with his boyfriend. He could let Luci have control. So, he forced himself to let it go. He was having a good time after all. Why ruin it by micromanaging a date he had had no hand in planning? The was Luci's thing. Might as well enjoy the ride.

They ate quickly, enjoying each other's company, eating pizza with one hand, holding hands over the table with the other.

Luci looked at his watch and said, "Almost time. You ready?"

Sam nodded and stood up, grabbing his coat. Luci paid while Sam went outside.

The sun was setting, almost at the horizon line, splashing the sky with purple, pink, and golden, almost amber, hues. It was so captivating, Sam jumped when Luci slid his arms around Sam's waist from behind.

"Well, if you like that," Luci whispered in Sam's ear, indicating the sky, "You're going to love this."

The sun sank out of sight, darkening the sky, and Luci turned Sam to look down the sidewalk they were on.

All at once, the trees lining the street lit up with Christmas lights, causing the snow around them to glow.

"Oh my God," Sam breathed.

It was beautiful. Breathtaking even. He knew the ethereal scene was set by strands of LED lights, but it still had the soft, dreamy feel of Heaven.

"Walk with me?" Luci asked.

Sam nodded, taking Luci's warm hand in his. It was bitter cold, the wind numbing his face, but walking through this beautiful street with his boyfriend made it worth it. God, it was perfect.

"I knew you'd like this," Luci said.

Sam smiled. He couldn't help but look all around and try to drink in the magical beauty of their surroundings. His boyfriend knew him well.

"This is really amazing," Sam said.

Luci smiled at him softly. "You know, Sam. I don't know what I'd do without you," he said, "I guess that's kind of why I wanted to do this. You're perfect, and I know I don't always tell you that or show it enough. But you're amazing, Sam." He gestured to the lights as snow began to lightly fall. "This reminds me of you. It's beautiful all the time, but if you catch it at the right moment, everything just lights up. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Sam."

Sam didn't know what to say. Luci knew how he felt about him. Luci might've been Sam's first real relationship, but he was it. He was amazing and strong and always there. They hadn't even been together a full year, and Sam could already imagine them together, married, getting a place somewhere. Hell, if Luci didn't surgically transition, getting married could still be legal. Luci was everything to Sam, and he knew it, he had to.

At the end of the street, they stopped. Luci looked angelic with multicolored glows dancing across his face. Sam could barely feel his hands, but he ran his fingers through his boyfriend's hair, pulling him into a kiss.

It was the perfect setting, kissing his boyfriend in the crisp snow surrounded by soft, glowing lights. The kiss fell a bit short; Sam couldn't feel his face much less his lips. But everything else was perfect.

"I love you," Sam said softly.

Luci smiled and asked, "Love me enough to get out of the cold for a bit?" He motioned to the Starbucks behind him.

"God, yes," Sam said.

The warmth seeped into Sam's bones almost the instant they stepped through the door. Luci pulled Sam by the hand to the counter.

"Two hot chocolates," Luci said to the cashier.

Sam absently wondered if Luci had considered the possibility that Sam didn't want hot chocolate, but he did want the hot beverage, so it was kind of beside the point.

Luci picked up their hot chocolates off the counter and handed one to Sam.

"Are you having a good time?" Luci asked.

Sam looked at his boyfriend, confused. "We're out together," Sam said, "Of course, I'm having a good time."

"Are you sure? I mean, if you're not enjoying yourself, we can do something else," Luci said.

"No, this is great," Sam said, "Is there anything else you had planned?"

"Well, there is one thing...how about one last thing, then we go back to your place?"

"Sure," Sam said.

They got back on the train and headed back into the city.

Luci led him off the train at whatever stop he had in mind, and Sam wasn't bothered a bit with not knowing where they were off to now. After the Christmas lights, Sam was sure where ever they were going would be wonderful.

Once they reached Daley Plaza, Sam knew he wasn't wrong. They stared up at the fully lit eight foot Christmas tree erected in the plaza.

"The tree?" Sam asked.

Luci nodded. "I know the tree lighting was back in November," he said, "But it's still a great tree, and I know how much you love it."

Well, he wasn't wrong. The legions of lights and golden baubles adorning the tree made it shine like a beacon in the middle of the city.

Sam shivered a little. Honestly, he'd been much colder in his life, and he was wearing a jacket, but it was still winter in Chicago. The wind alone was slicing. Couple that with the arctic temperatures and the wind carrying freezing spray from Lake Michigan, and yeah, Sam was shivering.

Luci noticed and pulled Sam into a hug. He put Sam's arms inside his leather jacket. Luci was having a bit of a leather phase, and Sam knew he was trying out different forms of masculinity, black leather being one of them. He'd never been more glad to have a boyfriend with a craving for leather. The jacket was so warm, Sam almost moaned. Almost.

It was things like this he loved the most, the little things. He wanted to tell Luci how much he loved him, how much he meant to him, but the words wouldn't come. He wanted to show him.

"You want to go back to my place?" Sam asked.

Luci kissed Sam and, pulling back, fixed him with a hungry stare. "As long as you're thinking what I'm thinking."

Fifteen minutes and a bus ride later, Sam and Luci were pressed tightly against each other, heatedly kissing in the hallway just outside of Sam's room. Charlie and Dorothy weren't anywhere that Sam could notice. Dean hadn't come home yet. Sam started undressing Luci right there in the hallway, dropping Luci's leather jacket to the floor.

Luci pushed them into Sam's room, lightly biting at Sam's lower neck.

Sam backed himself up to the bed, pulling Luci down on top of him. He'd learned quickly that Luci liked being on top. Honestly, Sam was really okay with this.

Luci slipped his hands under Sam's shirt, pulling it over Sam's head between kisses. Sam tossed Luci's shirt across the room and began fumbling for Luci's belt. Luci unzipped Sam's pants with one hand while palming him through his jeans with the other. Sam sucked a hickey into Luci's neck while helping his boyfriend out of his pants entirely.

Once they were both down to nothing but boxers, Sam experimentally slipped a finger in Luci's waistband. Luci pulled Sam's hand away, trying to quickly resume the hot make out session without drawing attention to his discomfort.

Sam laid Luci on his back, knowing full well that the way he wanted to love Luci would not be easily done from beneath his boyfriend. Sam kissed down Luci's neck and chest.

When they'd first started dating, it had taken an act of God to get Luci's shirt off. He hated his chest. However, what small breasts he'd had were mostly concealed by muscle from working out. After Sam said as much, getting Luci undressed was much easier. The boxers were the only barrier now, and if Luci's reaction was anything to go by, the boxers would continue to be a barrier.

Sam trailed kisses down Luci's torso. When he reached the edge of the boxers, he stopped and looked up at Luci.

"I love you," Sam said, "All of you, even if you don't."

"Sam-" Luci started.

"I'm not pressing for anything," Sam said, "You're uncomfortable with going any further, and I respect that. I just need you to know how perfect you are to me."

Luci met Sam with a meaningful gaze.

Sam slid down between Luci's legs and, keeping the boxers exactly where they were, kissed the inside of Luci's thigh lightly.

Luci gasped a little.

That was all the prompting Sam needed. He quickly sucked on the sensitive skin there, leaving a dark hickey and earning plenty of moans from his boyfriend.

Sam crawled back up and met Luci's lips full, hard, and fast. Luci kissed back harder, biting down lightly on Sam's lower lip. Sam moaned and flipped Luci back on top where he knew his boyfriend wanted to be. Luci's tongue invaded Sam's mouth sweetly as Sam's fingers dragged down Luci's back. Luci dug his nails into Sam's shoulders as his rolled his hips against Sam's pelvis.

As if Sam wasn't turned on enough already.

Sam's breath hitched, and Luci did it again, putting sweet pressure and friction against Sam's far too excited dick.

They continued fooling around like that until Sam came in his boxers like the horny teenager he was.

After everything was cleaned up, and Luci finished getting dressed to go home, Luci looked at Sam and said, "Looks like I marked you up good."

Sam wasn't quite sure what he was referring to, but Luci had to get home on time, so he didn't ask. He walked Luci to the door and kissed him softly to avoid getting carried away again.

"I love you," Sam said.

Luci kissed him back before saying, "I love you, too, Sam. Forever."

Sam grinned like an idiot as his boyfriend walked out the door.

Later, after Dean came home, after Charlie and Dorothy had crashed in their room, while Sam was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth before bed, he noticed what Luci had been talking about. Along Sam's shoulders were red marks. He knew they were from Luci's nails, but he also knew marks like that would bruise.

Knowing what they'd been doing to cause it, Sam was sort of proud to have battle scars from an insanely fun make out session. He just hoped none of his family would see.


	18. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Surprisingly, everyone was home on Christmas day. When Charlie woke up smelling bacon, she knew Dean must be cooking. Dorothy was already up. All Charlie wanted to do was go back to bed.

But it was Christmas.

Charlie could drag her ass out of bed for Christmas.

She meandered down the hall sleepily and was instantly handed a plate with waffles, bacon, and eggs on it.

"Good morning," Dorothy said, planting a kiss on Charlie's cheek.

Charlie put the plate down on the table and kissed Dorothy back on the lips. Dorothy deepened the kiss and, oh yes, Charlie was definitely awake now.

"Not while we're eating, guys, c'mon," Dean complained.

Charlie flipped him off and kissed Dorothy back one more time.

"It's Christmas," Sam said, "Let 'em do what they want."

Dean rolled his eyes at Sam as Charlie and Dorothy took their seats at the table.

Charlie struggled to contain her excitement. She had a huge announcement to make but she wanted everyone in the same room for a prolonged period of time. She wanted to tell her whole family at once.

"So, you seeing Lisa today?" Charlie asked.

Dean shook his head and said around a bite of waffle, "Nah, she's spending Christmas with her kid."

Sam gaped at Dean. "Her what?!" he gasped.

"She has a son," Dean said, "His name's Ben. She doesn't want me to meet him yet."

Charlie chuckled at Sam's shock. She'd reacted much the same way when Dean had told her and Dorothy. Dean was willingly dating a mom. With how fast the guy normally went through women, shock was the first and strongest reaction.

At Charlie's laugh, Sam snapped his gaze to her. "You knew about this?" he asked.

Charlie nodded and said, "Yeah, he told us on the way to school."

"Why am I always the last to know anything?!" Sam said.

Dorothy patted his shoulder as Dean laughed. "I wasn't keeping it from you, dude. It just didn't come up," he said.

At Sam's bitchface, Charlie decided to change the subject and asked, "What about you, Sam? Seeing Luci?"

Sam shook his head. "He's stuck with his family for the day," he said.

"So, we're having our first Christmas together?" Charlie asked happily.

Dean glanced at Sam, and Sam said, "Yeah, I guess so."

"You don't sound too excited," Charlie said.

Sam leaned over and whispered something to Dean. Sam got up and left the table.

Dean said, "You see, the thing is...It's kind of boring staying home. We don't have a whole lot to do here. Sure, we've got the TV now, but we don't even have a Christmas tree on Christmas."

Charlie opened her mouth to protest. They had a tree. She and Dorothy had taped two wire hangers together and wrapped it with scrap garland and a cheap strand of Christmas lights. It was a very tiny tree, but it was still a tree.

Before she could say anything, though, Sam came back and said, "Well, I guess we could do something with this." He held out a shopping bag to Charlie.

"What are you-" Charlie started.

"Just open it," Dorothy said.

Charlie looked in the bag and saw an Xbox 360 staring back at her. She looked up at Sam, then Dean and Dorothy.

"What?" Charlie asked.

"Merry Christmas, Charlie," Dean said.

Dorothy explained, "It's from all of us."

"I can't accept this, I didn't get you guys gifts," Charlie said. Well, that was mostly true, anyway.

"Charlie, it's a gift. We weren't expecting anything in return," Dean said.

Charlie looked at the Xbox again. It was too much. She stood up and hugged Sam. "Thank you," she said. "Thank you, thank you," she said, hugging Dorothy. She hugged Dean and said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

She stopped and looked at them all. "It has to be for all of us," she said, "I couldn't get gifts for you guys, so this has to be it. This has to be all of ours."

"Whatever you say, Charlie," Dean said, "but before we discuss semantics, I think you should look over by the TV."

Charlie eyed Dean. "You better not have spent any more money on me, Winchester," she said.

She walked over to the TV and saw a small orange box propped against the TV tray. It looked like a DVD, but upon closer inspection, it definitely wasn't.

"The Orange Box?" Charlie gasped, "Like Team Fortress 2, Half-Life 2, and Portal? That Orange Box?! You got me the Orange Box!?"

Sam and Dorothy shot confused glances at Dean.

"Well, what use is an Xbox 360 without any games for it?" Dean explained.

Charlie grinned excitedly at the games in her hands. She hopped up and down happily. Oh, yes. This was how they'd spend Christmas. Yes.

They sank back into their breakfast, finishing quickly. Charlie couldn't wait to sink her teeth into those games.

The second she finished, she set about hooking up the Xbox 360 to the TV.

Sam helped grab some cables for her when Dorothy said, "Hey, guys."

Dean, Sam, and Charlie focused their attention on Dorothy. She said, "I just wanted to say thank you. At the beginning of the year, I assumed I'd be spending the holidays alone. And I just-I just wanted to thank you for being my family."

Sam stood up and hugged Dorothy. "It wouldn't be the same without you," he said.

"So, we're doing feelings? Okay," Dean said, "The last time Sam and I celebrated Christmas, our dad had ditched us at some dirty motel to go work a case. I cooked some Mac n Cheese for Sam, and we watched some sappy TV movie. It was kinda nice, but this, this is much better. We're with people we love, we have a real home for once, and I can't imagine a better way to spend Christmas."

Dorothy smiled at Dean while Sam stared at him in shock.

Clearing his throat, Dean said, "Now, let's get the Xbox sorted out so I can kick all of your asses is Team Fortress 2."

Charlie hooked up the last cord and said, "You guys run through the set up, I have to do something."

She really needed to tell them something. As she hurried down the hall to her room, she knew exactly how she was going to do it. She grabbed a small box from under her dresser and thanked her lucky stars that Dorothy hadn't found it.

Rushing back out to the living room, Charlie said, "Okay, two things."

"One," she said, handing the box to Dorothy, "I did go Christmas shopping. I just didn't have the money for gifts for the boys. Sorry, guys."

Dean waved her off to let her know it was fine.

Dorothy opened the box and gasped, "Oh my God."

Charlie grinned. She'd gotten her girlfriend a necklace, but it wasn't just a necklace.

"Is this the necklace that Arwen gave Aragorn?" Dorothy asked.

"The Evenstar, yeah," Charlie said.

"Holy shit," Dorothy said, "How'd you have money for this?"

Charlie grinned widely and faced her whole family. "That's the second thing," she said, "I got a job."

"That's awesome!" Dean said.

Sam asked, "When'd that happen?"

Dorothy beamed at Charlie.

"Last week, the comic book shop I usually go to had a 'Now Hiring' sign in the window. I got the job on the spot, and after I proved him oh so wrong about Captain America, he gave me an advance so I could go Christmas shopping. I start on Monday," Charlie said.

"That's so great!" Sam said.

Dorothy put on the necklace and squeezed Charlie's hand.

Dean held out a Xbox controller to Charlie. "Care to celebrate?" he asked.

Three hours later, several couch cushions had been thrown, Dean and Charlie had matching rug burns from when a wresting match had broken out, Sam was laughing uncontrollably, Dorothy was trying for the thirtieth time to beat this damn level of Portal, and Charlie was making hot chocolate, laughing.

"Damn it!" Dorothy shouted, "I know there's a way to do this. There has to be a way to do this fucking level!"

Charlie brought over four mugs of hot chocolate. She handed one to Dorothy and said, "Hot chocolate helps."

Dorothy took the mug and paused the game. "Yeah, I should take a break anyway," she said.

Charlie sat next to Dorothy. Dorothy slid her hand slowly up Charlie's thigh.

Charlie met her girlfriend's gaze, and Dean cleared his throat. "Sam and I are going for a walk," he said.

"We are?" Sam asked.

"The girls want an empty apartment, let's go."

"But they didn't say-"

"Sam, I'm not spelling this out."

Charlie smiled innocently at Sam and Dean. Dean gave Charlie a look that said to cut the crap. With the way Dorothy's hand was travelling along Charlie's thigh, and empty apartment wouldn't be a bad thing.

Dean pulled on his jacket and said, "We'll be back in a half hour."

When the boys left, Charlie kissed Dorothy deeply. Dorothy ran her hands along Charlie's sides, pulling Charlie underneath her and covering her face and neck in kisses.

"I love the necklace," Dorothy said between kisses. Charlie wrapped her fingers in Dorothy's brown hair, kissing her deeper, harder.

Dorothy pulled back slowly and asked, "Do you want to celebrate properly?"

"What would that entail?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy gave her an impish grin, and Charlie grinned with glee.

"Yes, yes, I'd like that," Charlie replied.

They quickly ran to their room.

Dorothy pressed her lips to Charlie's as Charlie slid Dorothy's shirt up her thin frame. Charlie led Dorothy to their bed and quickly removed her shirt, flinging it across the room. Dorothy's hands moved up Charlie's back, snapping off her bra expertly.

Charlie straddled Dorothy and leaned down to press kisses to Dorothy's neck and chest and breasts. She pushed her hands under Dorothy to undo her bra as Dorothy pulled her into a deep kiss. Charlie wanted to let her hands roam, but she struggled with her bra clasp.

She broke the kiss and sighed, "How are you so good at this?"

Dorothy sat up and batted Charlie's hands away, undoing her own bra. "You wear a bra, too. How are you so bad at this?" she asked, grinning.

Charlie rolled her eyes, smiling, and said, "Shut up." She kissed Dorothy full and hard before sliding down to Dorothy's pants.

Dorothy said, "Hey, we're celebrating your job. I should be getting into your pants, not the other way around."

"Well, if you don't want me to go down on you, I can always-"

Dorothy unzipped her jeans and pushed them off.

Charlie smirked, hooked her fingers into her panties, and slipped them down her long legs. Charlie kissed down Dorothy's hip bone and inner thigh, making Dorothy gasp lightly.

"You're amazing," Charlie breathed, rubbing her thumb gently over Dorothy's clit. Dorothy moaned at the touch.

Charlie ducked her head and traced a circle around her girlfriend's entrance with her tongue. This earned her several pleasurable noises that made Charlie happy to continue. She closed her lips around Dorothy's sensitive nub and sucked lightly.

Dorothy's legs tensed and her breathing grew labored. "God, Charlie," she breathed.

Charlie released the clit and dove into the wetness of Dorothy's vagina. She licked a line, pressing against her girlfriend's inner walls, from back to front, trailing up to gently suck the clit once more. Dorothy's back arched as the sensation hit her. The noises she made did nothing if not encourage Charlie. She lazily licked around Dorothy's clit while she inserted a single finger. The sound that escaped Dorothy's lips had Charlie immediately slide in another finger, twisting them inside her.

With one last long suck on the clit, Charlie let her hand take care of the rest. Adding a third finger, Charlie sped up her movements, planting kisses across Dorothy's hips and stomach, until she had her girlfriend screaming.

Charlie slowed down, retracting all but one finger. She moved to lay next to her girlfriend as she slowly, gently massaged Dorothy's vagina both in and around the entrance.

"Fuck," Dorothy said in a blissed out groan.

"Merry Christmas," Charlie said.

Dorothy nudged Charlie's hand away from her crotch and rolled Charlie onto her back with a smile. "I love you," she said.

"I know," Charlie replied quickly.

Dorothy had told her she loved her a few times, though Charlie hadn't really ever returned the sentiment. Because of those words now, though, Charlie knew she was in for a wild ride.

Dorothy sat back between Charlie's legs and unzipped her jeans with her teeth. Honestly, that was just hot.

Charlie's pants and underwear were discarded immediately.

Dorothy ran her hands down Charlie's bare thighs, massaging the muscle beneath her fingers. She pressed a finger into Charlie's vagina. Charlie couldn't help but grab a fistful of sheets.

The front door opened, and Dean called out, "We're back, put your clothes on!"

Charlie and Dorothy froze, making eye contact. There was no way it had been a half hour. No way in hell.

Dorothy removed her finger and said, "We'll pick this up later."

Charlie tossed her head back against the pillow. She was going to murder Dean Winchester. The only question was if she'd let it be a quick death or make him suffer first.

Dorothy got dressed as Charlie tried to locate her clothing.

When they were dressed and actually emerged from their room, Charlie snapped, "Ten minutes is not a half hour, Winchester."

Dean laughed and said, "I'll have you know we were out of your hair for fifteen minutes. We only came back early, because we got pizza."

Charlie looked past him to two pizza boxes in the kitchen that she could smell from across the room. It seemed that Dean had earned himself a stay of execution...for now.

"Okay, I don't hate you anymore," Charlie said, opening a box and grabbing a slice. Sam laughed and turned on the TV.

They spent the rest of the day eating pizza, playing games, and watching Doctor Who. Despite the cock block, it was the best Christmas Charlie'd ever had.


	19. Ridin' the Storm Out

Castiel woke up on Benny's couch and stared at the ceiling. It was Christmas, but he couldn't find it in him to care. Balthazar and Garth had gone home for the holidays, so Castiel was staying at Benny's over winter break. It wasn't a bad arrangement, and Benny was a cool guy, but the holidays were supposed to be spent with family and loved ones. And that kept making him think about his dad.

It'd been almost a year, and he'd heard nothing. He didn't think about him as much as he used to, but it was Christmas. If he could still talk to his dad, he'd call him or something. It was the first Christmas that Castiel didn't have a family. And it hurt. A lot.

Benny came out of his room, clad only in boxers and yawning. "Mornin'," he muttered.

"Good morning," Castiel sighed.

Benny opened the refrigerator and asked, "You eat yet?"

"Not yet," Castiel replied.

"Want a Hot Pocket?" Benny asked, looking over where Castiel was curled up on the couch.

"I'm not hungry," Castiel said, turning to stare at the carpet, "Thank you, though."

"Well, make sure you eat something today," Benny said, "Balthazar told me how you stop eating when you're in a bad mood, and I ain't about to let you starve on Christmas."

Castiel sighed and sat up. Of course they were concerned with his food intake. He had lost some weight since he had to ditch his apartment. It was nice that they cared, but he was in no mood to be babied.

"A Hot Pocket sounds great," Castiel said.

Benny smiled and popped two of them in the microwave. Luckily, Benny's Hot Pockets were all four cheese pizza flavored. Castiel wasn't much for eating meat, and given how shitty he was feeling today, he wouldn't be able to stomach it otherwise.

As the food warmed, Benny asked Castiel, "You got any plans today?"

"Not really," Castiel said, "I don't have anywhere to be. Why?"

"Well, my family is coming over today, but-see, they've got this thing about holidays. They like to keep it just family, and-"

"And you need me to be somewhere else," Castiel finished. Of course. He didn't even have a place to be on Christmas. He didn't really belong anywhere anyway.

Benny looked at Castiel apologetically.

The microwave dinged.

Castiel pulled out his phone as Benny pulled out their breakfast. Balthazar was gone, Garth was gone, and Benny couldn't let him stay. Chances were, Gabriel wouldn't want him either. Castiel would be in the way no matter where he went. He almost didn't call Gabriel. At least walking the streets of the city wouldn't make him such a burden on everyone.

Still, he called his friend. It might've been selfish, but he really didn't want to be alone.

Benny handed Castiel his Hot Pocket as Gabriel said, "Hey, Castiel. What's up?"

"Can I come over?" Castiel asked, accepting his breakfast with a soft smile to Benny.

"Why? What's going on?" Gabriel asked.

"Benny has family coming over," Castiel said, "And I kind of can't be here."

Benny gave Castiel a regretting glance.

Gabriel groaned and said, "Jeez, Castiel, I dunno..."

There was a loud bang on the other end of the line and some shouting.

Another loud bang and Gabriel said, "Uhh...you know what? Yeah. You can come over. Just, uh, do you know where I live?"

"Yes, I've walked you home several times, Gabriel," Castiel said.

"Right, right," Gabriel said, "Well, uh, I'll meet you at Benny's anyway. Just, umm, sit tight."

Castiel really didn't want to put his friend out, and something weird was going on. "It's only a two block walk. I can just-"

"Just stay there, okay? I'll head over now." Gabriel hung up, and Castiel stared at his phone.

His friend sounded almost on the verge of begging. Something was definitely going on with Gabriel.

"I'll be at Gabriel's," Castiel said.

If Gabriel was on his way now, Castiel really needed to get ready. He reached for his bag to pull on pants.

Benny said, "I'm really sorry about all this."

"It's okay, I understand," Castiel said, "Something is weird about Gabriel today anyway."

"When isn't there something weird about that kid?" Benny replied.

While he did have a point, something seemed more off than usual about their friend.

Just as Castiel finished his Hot Pocket, a knock came at the door.

Benny went to answer it while Castiel threw out his garbage and pulled on his trench coat.

"Hey, Benny," Gabriel said with a warm smile, "Merry Christmas."

Benny nodded and said to Castiel, "Yep, you're right. Something's weird."

Gabriel stuck his tongue out at Benny. "You ready to go?" he asked Castiel. They left quickly.

Once outside, Castiel asked, "What's going on?" His friend was posturing much more than usual.

"Nothing. Nothing's going on," Gabriel said.

"Okay, you're not even trying to lie," Castiel said, "What happened?"

"It doesn't matter," Gabriel said, walking faster down the street.

Castiel kept up with him easily. "Gabriel," he said sharply.

Gabriel ignored him and said, "C'mon. We're almost there." He jogged ahead and held the door open for Castiel.

"It's up the stairs," Gabriel said.

Castiel slowly walked upstairs as Gabriel locked the front door.

Gabriel rushed ahead of Castiel, and before opening the door, he said, "I apologize about my brothers in advance."

Castiel glanced at Gabriel as he opened the door.

A guy about their age flipped through a book in the kitchen. "Who's this?" the guy asked.

Gabriel said, "Michael, this is Castiel. Castiel, Michael."

"You never bring friends over," Michael commented as he gave Castiel a once over, "Is there something special about this one?" Castiel felt blood rush to his face. Michael's gaze was uncomfortably piercing.

"What? You're allowed to have friends over, and I'm not?" Gabriel asked.

"Adam is different," Michael said simply.

Gabriel sighed and said, "Why are you being such a dick?"

"I don't know if it's wise to have him here," Michael said softly, "Dad won't be happy."

"If I'm in the way, I can go somewhere else," Castiel said. That was a bit of a lie, only true in the sense that the city streets were technically somewhere else. Still, he didn't want to burden his friend. He'd leave if he had to. He'd figure it out.

"You're not in the way," Gabriel said, "And I'm not about to leave you on your own on Christmas just because my brother's being a dickwad."

"I'm just trying to think of your friend's well being," Michael explained.

"Well, that's enough of that. Come with me," Gabriel said to Castiel. He led him down a hall past the kitchen and nudged open a door to this right.

Gabriel plopped down on a bed that Castiel assumed to be Gabriel's. He sighed, "I'm sorry about my brother. He's usually not so bad."

Castiel sat on the chair seated at Gabriel's desk. "What did he mean about my well being?" he asked.

Gabriel sat up with a forced smile and said, "He was just messing with you. He's weird. Don't worry about it."

Castiel knew that wasn't the case. He could see how hard Gabriel was trying, he saw how broken that facade was.

"Gabriel, I need you to talk to me," Castiel said, "I've told you many times that you don't need to pretend with me. What's going on?"

Gabriel rolled his eyes and laughed. "You don't know what you're talking about, Castiel," Gabriel said with a sing-song lilt.

"Then, tell me," Castiel pressed.

Gabriel smiled and said, "I'd rather not. Sorry."

"How about this," Castiel said, "You don't tell me what's going on. Just tell me if I'm in any trouble by being in your house."

Gabriel visibly sobered, and Castiel knew Michael had been telling the truth. Something was very wrong.

"I shouldn't be here, got it," Castiel said.

Before he could get up, Gabriel said, "You can be here. Nothing will happen to you if you stay, I promise."

Castiel made no move to leave. "So, it's something about your house," he said slowly, "And going from what Michael said, it's something to do with your dad."

"Castiel, don't," Gabriel snapped. There was enough pain in Gabriel's eyes and enough cracked emotion in Gabriel's voice, Castiel knew not to continue. He wanted to help, but now was clearly not the time.

"Would you like a distraction?" Castiel asked.

"Please," Gabriel said, laying back and staring at the ceiling.

"I feel like I'm in the way," Castiel said.

It wasn't exactly a good distraction, but he'd learned that nothing focused Gabriel more than hearing about someone else's problems. Gabriel loved nothing more than helping others even if he'd never allow anyone to do the same for him. And really, Castiel needed to tell someone about how he'd been feeling or he was going to explode if not disappear altogether.

"You're not in the way," Gabriel said quickly.

"No," Castiel said, "I feel like I'm in the way all the time."

Gabriel sat up and looked at Castiel, concerned.

"When I'm at Benny's, I sleep on the couch. When I'm with Balthazar and Garth, I take the floor. I have no space. Even when I'm at school or in the city, I'm constantly walking in someone's way or being in the way just by occupying space. There's no room for me anywhere," Castiel said, "I can't talk to the others about it, because they're always busy or off doing something. I feel bad even talking to you about it, because I know you have your own stuff going on. But I have to take up space. It's not like I don't exist. It's just-it feels like I don't belong anywhere, like I'm inconveniencing everyone by just being here."

"Shit, Castiel. How long have you felt like this?" Gabriel asked.

"Ever since my dad stopped talking to me," Castiel said, "But kind of forever. I've always been the one that falls through the crack and get forgotten. I don't talk to people much because of it. Most people won't remember me anyway. I can't tell you how surprising it was when you can up and talked to me in the archives."

"That's weird. You don't strike me as the kind of person you forget, but I know what you mean. That's usually how I feel around here," Gabriel said.

"How come?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel said, "I'm not talking about it, Castiel. Give it up."

Castiel said, "Give up on you? Never."

For the first time since Castiel knew him, Gabriel smiled a real, genuine smile, and Castiel knew his friend wasn't beyond help.

Gabriel said, "Y'know what? It's Christmas. We've got nothing else going on. Let's make Christmas brunch. You eat yet?"

"Just a Hot Pocket."

"Yeah, that's a meal. C'mon, let's go make a bunch of food and turn this into a real Christmas."

Castiel followed Gabriel out to the kitchen.

Michael looked up as Gabriel opened the refrigerator.

"We're making food," Gabriel said to his brother, "If you don't piss me off, you can have some."

"What are you making?" Michael asked.

Gabriel looked at Castiel with eyebrows raised.

"What?" Castiel asked.

"What are we making? It's your choice."

"It's your kitchen."

"No, right now, it's your kitchen."

Castiel knew what Gabriel was doing, trying to give him his own space. It was nice, but this wasn't his house, it wasn't his place. "Gabriel, I don't-" he started.

Gabriel turned Castiel to look into the refrigerator. "This is the food we have. We can make whatever you want," he said.

Castiel looked at the food and said, "Well, I like eggs."

"Okay, we can make eggs. Anything else?"

"If you have flour and a waffle iron, we can make waffles."

"We've got those, anything else strike your fancy?"

Castiel turned and shrugged. Eggs and waffles seemed like a substantial breakfast to him.

Gabriel sighed and said, "Bacon, Castiel, we have bacon."

"I don't really like bacon," Castiel said.

Gabriel and Michael both looked at him as if he'd just spoken in tongues.

"You-you what? You don't like what? I'm sorry, I must've misheard you. I could've sworn you said that you don't like bacon," Gabriel said.

Castiel replied, "That's because I don't like bacon. Or meat, really."

Gabriel's jaw dropped. "Okay," he said, "I can respect vegetarians. But I gotta know. No meat because of moral reasons or no meat because you don't like the taste?"

"It used to be moral reasons, but really, I just don't really like the taste. It all tastes the same," Castiel said.

Michael and Gabriel gaped at Castiel.

"Are you making bacon?" Michael asked Gabriel.

Gabriel said, "I was going to before, but now it's freaking required. All meat tastes the same? Are you hearing this?" Gabriel shook his head at Castiel in mock disbelief and grabbed the bacon package out of the refrigerator.

Gabriel turned to Michael and said, "We're making waffles, eggs, and bacon. Are you going to be on your best behavior, or are we keeping all this food for ourselves?"

Michael gave an angelic, innocent smile. "I promise not to annoy you in any way, shape, or form. Swear on my life," he said.

Gabriel said, "Glad to hear it." He turned to Castiel and said, "Dude, you're trying bacon today. Prepare your taste buds for a religious experience."

Castiel rolled his eyes.

An hour and a half later, Michael and Gabriel grinned as Castiel finished his third piece of bacon. It was delicious. It was more than delicious. How could he have gone his whole life without trying this amazing food? More than that, cooking with Gabriel had definitely helped his mood. They didn't make much of a mess, but Castiel was able to be helpful and feel sort of at home. It was nice, really nice.

"Now that I've proven you wrong about bacon," Gabriel said, "We're going to have to get you to try some burgers."

"One thing at a time," Castiel said, smiling.

A small boy who looked like he was probably in high school if not junior high shuffled out of a room behind them and looked at the food hungrily.

"Raphael, this is Castiel," Gabriel said.

Raphael didn't spare even a glance for Castiel. He looked at Gabriel and asked, "Can I have some of the food?"

"Yeah, go ahead. Just remember to bring the dishes out when you're done," Gabriel said.

Raphael's eyes crinkled in a way that almost resembled happiness, like he was smiling but his mouth hadn't gotten the message. He grabbed a plate and piled scrambled eggs on it.

Castiel watched the boy retreat to his room, taking as much food as he could fit on his plate with him.

"He keeps to himself mostly," Gabriel said to Castiel, "I'm surprised you met him at all."

A loud pounding broke the calm in the kitchen.

"Shit," Gabriel said, getting up quickly.

"Which one of you bastards locked the fucking doors?" a voice shouted angrily from in the stairwell.

"Castiel, come on," Gabriel said, motioning to follow him. He was scared, Castiel could tell. Whatever was about to happen was very bad.

Castiel stood up and went with Gabriel.

Michael stared at the door, wide eyed. He followed Castiel and Gabriel down the hall.

"How'd he get in the front door?" Gabriel asked.

Michael said, "He took his keys."

"Fuck, we need to get out of here," Gabriel said to Castiel. To Michael, he asked, "Will you guys be okay?"

The door to the flat burst open.

"We'll be fine," Michael said, "Go."

Gabriel pulled Castiel to the end of the hall and pushed open a window. "Quick, through here," he said.

Castiel climbed through the window without hesitation. He stepped out onto a fire escape. Gabriel followed him through and shut the window from the outside. They hurried down the fire escape. Gabriel extended the ladder in a rush. Castiel climbed down without being asked to do so.

Once on the ground, Gabriel ran to another window on the ground floor and pried it open. "C'mon," he said. The fear on Gabriel's face was something Castiel had never seen before. Gabriel's walls were gone, there was no pretending, no mask. There was just fear and pain and sadness. Castiel scurried through the ground floor window without a second thought.


	20. Famous Final Scene

Gabriel slipped through the window behind Castiel.

Castiel looked at Gabriel cautiously with far too much concern and good God, it was not the time for that shit.

Gabriel moved around Castiel in the limited space of the bathroom they were now standing in. He opened the door and walked out into the living room.

"Gabriel," Castiel said softly, gently, like he was afraid of hurting Gabriel. Well, that was preposterous; he was the one afraid of hurting Castiel.

"Castiel," Gabriel said sharply but not nearly as strong as he wanted, "Please. Don't."

When Gabriel turned around to face Castiel, his friend wrapped him in a hug.

Gabriel's breath caught.

It was too much. It was far too much. After everything that had happened that day, his emotions were too high on a day he would've been glad to feel nothing. With Castiel holding him, Gabriel felt like collapsing. He'd put Castiel in danger by allowing him to come over. He'd lied to Castiel, he refused to tell him of the situation he'd put them in. Castiel had seen his father. Castiel had seen him abandon his brothers, not that they cared. Gabriel could hear the shouts and crashes coming from the flat above, and he knew Castiel could hear it, too. He should've been shunned, not hugged. But he preferred the hug, though he didn't deserve it. God, he could've gotten Castiel hurt. How in Hell did his dad remember his keys? If something had happened the Castiel...

"Gabriel?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel pulled away from his friend. He trained his eyes on the floor. If Castiel looked him in the eye, he would know, and it'd be over for Gabriel.

Castiel started, "Gabr-"

"I'm fine," Gabriel said shortly.

"I'm sorry," Castiel said, "But you're not."

Gabriel walked across the living room and collapsed on the futon. He couldn't deal with this. Not now, not today, maybe not ever. Castiel followed him and stood in front of him.

"Gabriel, you're my best friend," Castiel said, staring down at him, "And you're suffering."

Gabriel looked away. If Castiel kept this up, he'd have to tell him. And he'd know how bad it was, how bad he was. Castiel would pity him at the very least, maybe even despise him. He'd leave for sure. Maybe that would be for the best.

Castiel knelt in front of Gabriel slowly. "Please, tell me what to do, tell me how to help. Please, Gabriel, I'm begging you. Talk to me," he said.

"You can't help," Gabriel said dryly.

"Let me try."

"Why?" Gabriel snapped, "Why do you want to help me so badly?"

"Because I care about you," Castiel said. He said it like it was obvious, like it was a simple truth, like it was an easy fact of the universe that was beyond question.

Gabriel laughed bitterly. "Why?" he asked, "You've seen my family, you know how I am. Why would you possibly care about me?"

Castiel said, "Because you're my best friend. You took me in, you gave me friendship. Without you, I would be on the streets, I'd be alone. You wonder why would I care about you? Gabriel, how can I not?"

Gabriel looked at Castiel and said, "You don't mean that." Even as he said the words, he knew they were a lie. Castiel cared, he clearly did, but Gabriel couldn't process that right now.

Castiel looked at him, worried and confused. "Yes, I do," he said.

Gabriel sighed. Why would Castiel waste effort on someone like him? He was broken, damaged in irreparable ways. He was beyond saving. Why did Castiel keep trying?

Castiel asked softly, "Is that were your bruises come from? Your dad?"

"Castiel, please, don't make me talk about this," Gabriel said, looking at his hands.

"Talk to me, Gabriel. Please. Don't hold back with me," Castiel said. He sat next to Gabriel on the futon.

Gabriel shot to his feet and said, "Fine! Fine. My father is a drunk, an abusive drunk. He smacks me and my brothers around all the time. Is that what you want to hear?"

Castiel stared at him silently.

It drove Gabriel a little crazy. Why wouldn't he react? He was the one who wanted him to open up. He asked for this. Don't hold back on him? Fine. Gabriel continued, "And yes, Castiel, this is where my bruises come from. I've never been mugged in my life, and I'm definitely not as clumsy as I let on. Raphael hides from him, Michael submits to him, and I fight him. Bruising comes with the territory. He's been like this ever since my mom left, and there's no changing it. We can't call the cops, or DCFS will get involved. DCFS would take Raphael away, because he's not old enough, and there's no way they'd let Michael or I be a guardian."

They'd discussed it once, and that had been the first time Michael had taken a swing at Gabriel. His brother wouldn't even consider it.

Gabriel barely noticed how his hands had started shaking as he went on, "Even if we could call someone, Michael's loyal to my dad. Not Raphael, not me, but him. He knows what my dad does is wrong, but he still loves him for some twisted reason. And he does whatever Dad wants him to do even if it means he's going against his brothers. Hell, the first time Michael and I even stayed in the same room for longer than five minutes was this morning with you. They don't stand up for themselves, so I protect them. and I have to, because they certainly aren't going to do it. But they don't even care. They barely notice when I'm around, and honestly, I don't blame them."

Gabriel paced in front of the futon, feeling his eyes tear up as he kept going, "I'm a waste of space anyway. The only thing I'm good for anymore is being Dad's punching bag. I don't feel anything hardly ever, and when I do feel, it's even worse because it's all hatred. I hate my dad for being an abusive dick. I hate my brothers for never being on my side. I hate Balthazar and Benny for being able to laugh without forcing it or feel happiness without pretending. And I hate myself. I hate myself so much, because I wake up in the morning to this stupid life everyday and never once try to end it because of my spineless brothers who need my protection from my horrible excuse for a father. So, what do I do? I try to stay numb, because numb is so much better. And when I can't, I cut myself or pick a fight without my dad so I can focus on something other than my wasted, fucked up, pathetic existence for more than ten seconds."

He took a deep breath and didn't dare look over at his friend. He shouldn't have said any of that. Good God, he shouldn't have said a single word. He said softly, "God, Castiel. I should never have talked to you. You'd be so much better off if you didn't know me."

The futon creaked as Castiel stood, and Gabriel actively trained his gaze on the ground as he waited for the other boy to leave.

But he didn't. For the second time that day, Gabriel found arms wrapped around him.

Castiel hugged him and said over his shoulder, "I wish I knew a way to help you. I wish you'd see yourself for the good person you are, and I wish you didn't hurt so much. I'd give anything for you not to hurt so much."

Gabriel returned the hug tightly. "I am so sorry," he said. His voice cracked over the words. He vaguely felt tears leave his eyes.

"For what?" Castiel asked, rubbing Gabriel's back reassuringly.

Gabriel released his friend and said, "For being such a mess, for putting you in danger with my dad, for being a shitty friend. I could go on."

He wiped his eyes as the shouting upstairs quieted.

Gabriel looked at the ceiling, wondering if his brothers were still alive to make noise. The next sound, however, was the upstairs door slamming and heavy footsteps coming down the stairs.

Shit.

Gabriel faced the door, ready to face his father, but Castiel pulled his arm towards the bedroom.

The locked door to the lower flat rattled violently. Castiel pulled Gabriel over to the bed.

Gabriel started, "Cas-"

Castiel put a finger to his lips and pointed under the bed. He flattened himself to the ground and scooted under the bed quietly.

The sounds of the key hitting the lock reached Gabriel's ears. He didn't want to fight his dad. Not in front of Castiel. Not after all the shit he'd said.

Quickly, he slid himself under the bed next to Castiel. Neither of them made a single noise as Gabriel's dad forced his way into the lower flat.

"Where are you? You ungrateful son of a bitch, get out here!" his dad bellowed.

Gabriel tensed. Castiel placed his hand over Gabriel's and locked his eyes with his friend.

The bathroom door was slammed open.

"Gabriel!" his dad yelled.

Why? Why would this happen in front of Castiel? Why did he have to see this? He should never have let Castiel come over.

Each loud bang his dad made caused more shame and embarrassment to sink deep in his chest.

He heard the shower curtain quickly shoved aside and tried not to flinch. He really tried.

Castiel reached an arm around Gabriel silently and carefully pulled his friend against his chest.

Gabriel didn't know what to make of this. Normally, he'd be out, shouting at his father, egging him on, getting in a few good hits. Instead, he was hiding, cuddled up to his best friend under a bed, hoping his father wouldn't find them. He felt like a coward. And weak.

But it felt right. Safe. He didn't want to fight his dad. He didn't want to do this anymore.

So, he stayed silent and stayed under the bed. He wrapped an arm around Castiel's back and clung to him as Gabriel's dad stomped into the bedroom.

Gabriel didn't dare breathe. They silently watched his dad's feet stumble around the bed over to the closet. He wrenched the doors open and slammed his fist against the wall in frustration.

"Hiding from me, you fucking asshole?" his dad seethed.

Gabriel's fingers clenched into a fist in the back of Castiel's shirt. It was the only thing that would keep him from crying. Castiel shouldn't be here. He shouldn't have to hide under a bed from Gabriel's fucked up dad. He shouldn't have to deal with any of this.

Gabriel's dad stormed out of the bedroom, throwing the door closed behind him. Castiel looked at Gabriel, but Gabriel couldn't bring himself to look his friend in the eye.

A moment later, the front door rattled shut as it was abusively forced into the doorframe.

Gabriel released Castiel and got out from under the bed. Castiel followed suit, but Gabriel motioned for him to stay in the bedroom.

Knowing how crazy his dad could get, there was a chance that his dad had slammed the door to make it sound like he'd left. Gabriel refused to get Castiel hurt by making the careless assumption that they were safe. He slowly opened the bedroom door and looked around the living room.

His dad had actually left. Good. He quickly ran to the front door and locked it again.

Returning to the bedroom, he forced a weak laugh and said, "He's gone."

Castiel asked, "Are you okay?"

Gabriel couldn't form words without tears, and he knew it. He shook his head in response.

"Is it just because of your dad, or is there something else?" Castiel asked. His friend had this uncanny knack for asking exactly what needed to be asked, and Gabriel was getting pretty freaking sick of it. Some soft shuffling sounds came from above them. His brothers weren't dead. Well, that was one less thing to worry about.

At Gabriel's hesitation, Castiel said, "If there's something else, please, tell me."

"You shouldn't have had to see that," Gabriel said, voice crackling like he'd feared.

Castiel replied evenly, "You shouldn't have to live with that."

Gabriel walked out into the living room, Castiel following without hesitation.

"How isn't any of this freaking you out?" Gabriel asked.

"It is," Castiel said, "But I'm only bothered because I'm concerned about you."

"Well, there's nothing I can do about Dad, so-"

"How bad are your cuts?" Castiel interrupted.

Gabriel shifted uncomfortably. He shouldn't have said anything. He shouldn't have said any of the shit he said. Damn it.

"They're not-it's just scratches, it's nothing too-"

"Can I see?"

"Why?" Gabriel asked.

"You've already admitted to hurting yourself," Castiel said, "It's not outside the realm of possibility that you aren't taking care of your cuts, and I'd really feel better if I knew you were at the very least not going to die of infection."

Yeah, he should not have said a single damn thing.

"Alright," Gabriel said.

He pulled his shirt off and over his head. He knew what his shoulders looked like. It looked like he'd been attacked by a shit ton of cats. None of the cuts were deep, but there were thin, shallow scratches along his shoulders. And there were a lot of them. At least fifty. Gabriel had lost track. They never scarred, and since he liked going shirtless during the summer, it was really for the best.

When he managed to work up the courage to look at Castiel's reaction, the look on his friend's face was not what he'd been expecting. It was not even in the vicinity of the reaction he'd been expecting.

"Castiel, are you-are you blushing?" Gabriel asked.

Castiel looked at Gabriel with wide eyes. "N-no," he stammered.

"I know there are a lot of cuts, but-"

"No, it's not-it's just-umm," Castiel tried, "It's just, uhh...I wasn't expecting-"

Gabriel turned and faced Castiel fully which just made his friend flush harder. Oh. "Castiel, is it bothering you that I took my shirt off?" he asked, almost teasing.

"No," Castiel said, "It's not that. It's-I wasn't-I didn't-" Oh, this was priceless.

"How about you tell me what's going on? After all this, I think it's only fair," Gabriel said.

Castiel looked at his hands and muttered, "I don't want to make anything awkward."

"It'll only be awkward if we let it be," Gabriel said.

Castiel took a deep breath and got off the couch. "Okay, I'll explain," he said, "And if you want me to leave, I'll understand."

Gabriel sat up straighter and waited for his friend to start talking.

"Okay, umm, so," Castiel said, "I'm gay."

Gabriel waited for Castiel to continue. Yeah, he was gay. He wasn't exactly surprised. When his friend didn't say anything else, Gabriel was confused. That was it? He had been kind of expecting a state secret.

"That doesn't explain a whole lot, dude," Gabriel said.

Castiel looked confused for a moment and then said, "And I'm...umm..."

"What, do you have feelings for me?" Gabriel asked. As he said the words, he had a minor heart attack.

Oh, shit. What if Castiel did have feelings for him? Castiel was a great friend, but Gabriel definitely didn't feel anything for him like that. Shit.

"No," Castiel said quickly, "No, and that's kind of why...umm...why I got freaked out, because you're my friend, but you're really attractive, and I wasn't expecting you to be so-"

"You think I'm attractive?" Gabriel asked, partially confused but partially flattered.

If Castiel turned any more red, he'd give tomatoes a run for their money. Gabriel laughed, like really laughed. It wasn't a fake laugh or a forced laugh. It wasn't pretend. And it felt great.

Quickly, he realized how Castiel might take his laughter, and he calmed down.

Gabriel patted the spot next to him, trying to kill the rest of his giggles. The fact that Castiel thought he was hot was just hilarious. He couldn't help it.

"It's fine," Gabriel said, "And you don't have to leave. As long as we're friends and just friends, everything's fine."

"You're okay with this?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel gave him a confused look. "Okay with what?" Gabriel asked, "I'm glad you don't have feelings for me, since, as we've covered extensively, I'm a train wreck. I'm okay with you thinking I'm attractive, I just may have to tease you about it sometimes. And you being gay is great, though Benny might feel a little outnumbered."

"Outnumbered?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel said, "Well, Balthazar's as gay as a damn pride parade, though I have known him to chase a hot girl from time to time. But he's mainly into guys. And I'm bi. So, out of the four of us, Benny's the only one who isn't at least a little queer."

"You're bisexual?" Castiel asked, shocked.

"Yeah," Gabriel said, "Just don't tell my family. Dad's the biggest bigot who ever lived."

"But I only ever hear you and Benny talk about women."

"That's because Benny's straight and tries not to talk about hot guys, especially if Balthazar's in ear shot."

"Have you ever dated a guy?"

"Briefly in high school, there were a couple of guys, why?"

"Well," Castiel said quietly, "I've...I've never dated anybody, so I was just..."

"Oh," Gabriel said, "Well, yeah, if you're ever curious about stuff, you can ask me. I've been around. And Balthazar's always bursting at the seams to talk about his sex life, so I'm sure he'd love to tell you all about it."

As if on cue, Castiel's phone buzzed. "Oh," he said, sounding slightly perplexed.

"Oh?" Gabriel asked, "What's oh?"

Castiel turned his phone to Gabriel. It was a picture of a shirtless and pantsless Balthazar wearing a santa hat and holding a drink with a candy cane in it.

"Oh," Gabriel said, feeling slightly violated, "Well, then. You sure you don't have a boyfriend? Getting pictures like that sent to your phone kinda sends a different message."

Castiel smirked and put away his phone. "I don't have feelings for Balthazar either, by the way," he said.

Gabriel put his shirt back on, and Castiel's expression sobered.

Here it was. The big talk. Great.

Castiel said, "I'm glad your cuts aren't bad. I wish you wouldn't do that to yourself. You have no idea how much I wish you wouldn't. But I get it. Could you do me a favor, though?"

Gabriel said, "Sure, what?"

"Next time you feel like cutting, talk to me instead," Castiel said, "Instead of cutting, just talk to me about what's going on, where your head's at."

Gabriel met his friend's gaze and said with complete honesty, "I'll try."

Castiel smiled and said, "Good. So, what do you want to do?"

"You want to do some Christmas shopping with me?" Gabriel asked.

"On Christmas?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel said, "Good a time as any. If we're gonna be hiding out down here, which considering how often Benny has girls over, could be quite frequently, we at least need some candy. To make it a little more homey, y'know?"

Castiel grinned, and Gabriel thought they might actually get some use out of this Christmas after all.


	21. Saturday Night Special

This was going to be so awkward. He really liked Lisa, and he wanted to be a part of her life, but he didn't know the first thing about kids. Sure, he raised Sam, but that was his brother. This wasn't his brother, this wasn't his kid. This was his girlfriend's kid. He'd only been dating Lisa for a couple months. What if Ben didn't like him? What would that mean for him and Lisa?

Dean was practically sweating bullets as he walked to Lisa's place. When he got to the door, he'd almost entirely convinced himself that Lisa was going to break up with him on the spot. He knocked and took a deep breath. The long exhale floated away visibly in the cold, March air.

Dean watched his breath fade as Lisa opened the door.

"Hey, Dean. Come on in," Lisa said, smiling. He wanted nothing more than to stay outside. It was too big, too soon. This was a kid, a child, another person that would probably be much better off without Dean in their life.

But he walked inside at Lisa's beckoning anyway. Maybe he could tell her it was too soon, that he could meet Ben later. It's not like the kid was going anywhere. They could do this later.

"Ben, come here. I want you to meet someone," Lisa called into the next room.

Dean froze. He was ten kinds of not ready for this.

But nothing happened. No screaming little kid came tearing into the room.

"Where is that boy?" Lisa sighed, looking into the next room, "Oh."

Lisa gestured for Dean to follow her. Even though his feet felt like cement, he somehow followed his girlfriend. Maybe it was curiosity that drove him forward.

A little boy sat in the middle of a mess of foam blocks, playing with plastic army men on top of the blocks while muttering small sound effects. He looked like he was having some serious fun.

"Ben, honey," Lisa said, "Say hi to my friend Dean."

Ben looked up briefly, glancing at Dean. He waved halfheartedly and returned to letting his army men wreak havoc on the blocks around him.

"Sorry, he's usually more social," Lisa said.

Dean barely even heard what she said. All he could think about was Ben's short, brown hair that looked just like Dean's. And his broad smile that looked just like Dean's. If the kid had had freckles, Dean would've gone into cardiac arrest.

"You're sure he's not mine?" Dean asked.

Lisa laughed and said, "Yes, I'm sure. Why? Do you want to be a father at twenty?"

Dean said, "No, it's just...there are a few similarities."

"What can I say? I have a type," Lisa said, smiling, "Anyway, the sitter won't be here for a while, so our date might be a little later. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine," Dean said. They were just doing dinner and a movie, so it wasn't too time sensitive.

"Great," Lisa said, "Well, I'll grab us some snacks in the meantime."

The second Lisa walked to the kitchen, Dean felt a foam block hit his back. He turned around to see Ben laughing at him.

Dean picked up the block with a grin and tossed it back at him. It hit Ben's arm, and the kid grabbed his arm and started breathing heavily like he was going to cry.

Shit.

"Oh, crap. I'm sorry, Ben, you okay?" Dean asked, getting closer to make sure he didn't accidentally break the kid.

As he stepped closer, Ben instantly calmed himself with an impish smile and threw a block at Dean's face.

Dean blinked from the impact and said, "Oh, so that's how it is."

A flurry of foam blocks flew between Dean and Ben in no time at all. Dean tossed blocks at Ben, Ben tossed back even faster. Ben laughed brightly as he threw block after block. Dean rolled behind the coffee table for cover, grabbed a stray block, and lobbed it back at the boy.

A block landed on top of Dean's head as Ben shouted, "Look out below!"

They continued laughing and tossing blocks in their little war until Lisa walked in the door with a bowl of cheese puffs. She stared at the foam block chaos that surrounded Ben and Dean.

The silence was palpable.

Had Dean crossed a line?

Lisa put the cheese puffs down on the couch, and Ben scooted next to Dean on the side of the coffee table across from Lisa. Ben pushed a block into Dean's hands and locked eyes with Dean. He nodded slowly. Dean got the idea. He held up three fingers and counted down.

"What're you-" Lisa started.

On one, Dean signaled to Ben, and they both threw foam blocks at Ben's mom.

Lisa gasped and said, "Alright, boys. This means war."

The flurry of blocks continued as Lisa joined the fray. Dean and Ben ducked back behind the coffee table.

"I need more blocks!" Ben shouted.

Dean grabbed more blocks and said, "Yes, sir."

Ben smiled widely and threw more blocks over the table at his mother. Lisa returned fire enough that Dean and Ben got hit at least five times each.

After the blocks had all been thrown, both sides scurried to collect more ammo. Ben brought an armful of blocks over by Dean.

"The enemy is strong," Ben stage whispered.

Dean motioned for him to come closer. "I have an idea," he whispered.

Several minutes later, Dean and Ben stood up with arms full of blocks, walked around the coffee table, and saw Lisa gathering blocks from under the couch.

"Bombs away!" Ben cried.

Dean and Ben dropped their blocks all on Lisa at once.

Lisa laughed and rolled onto her back on the carpet. "I give," she said, giggling, "I surrender."

Dean gave Ben a high five. Victory was theirs.

"Want to watch a movie?" Ben asked, excited.

"We've got time," Dean said, "Sure."

Ben ran over to a bookcase next to the TV, full of energy.

Dean extended a hand to Lisa and helped his girlfriend off the floor. Dean hadn't been expecting to have so much fun, but the block war had been awesome.

Lisa pulled a foam block out of the bowl of cheese puffs, brushed it off on her thigh, tossed it to the ground, and sat on the couch. Dean joined her and put the cheese puffs on the seat next to him.

Ben ran back and pushed a DVD onto Lisa's lap.

"Go ahead, put it in," Lisa said.

Ben said, "But I don't know how."

"Yes, you do," Lisa said, "You just want me to do it for you."

Ben sighed dramatically and took the DVD over to the DVD player under the TV.

"You're a pretty great mom," Dean said.

Lisa smiled and said, "I try. You're pretty great with kids for someone who was so worried about this."

"Well, you've got a pretty great kid," he replied.

Ben shouted, "Mommy! It's not working!"

"Press the big button first, sweetie," she said.

"Ohh..." Ben said.

Dean smiled. Ben really was a great kid, and Dean could easily himself fitting into this family.

Ben hurried back, and Lisa patted the spot next to her on the couch.

"I wanna sit by Dean," Ben whined.

Dean glanced at Lisa and moved the bowl of cheese puffs onto his lap to make room. Ben climbed up on the couch next to Dean excitedly. The main menu for "Finding Nemo" came up on the screen.

"Finding Nemo?" Dean asked, "Isn't the beginning a little scary for a four year old?"

Ben stuck his tongue out at Dean.

Lisa pressed play and whispered, "Don't worry. He never watches the beginning anyway."

Sure enough, the moment the barracuda came on the screen, Ben buried his face in Dean's arm.

"Is it over?" Ben mumbled against Dean's arm.

"The scary part or the sad part?" Dean asked.

"Mmfph."

"What?"

Ben removed his face for half a second to say, "Both," before hiding himself again.

As the title card appeared, Dean said, "It's all clear, kiddo."

Ben sat up quickly to watch the rest of the movie.

Halfway through the movie, Ben slumped against Dean's arm. Dean moved his arm and let Ben lay on him, the kid curling up against Dean's side. Lisa grinned at Dean. Dean barely noticed. It was kind of nice having Ben being all over him.

Just after Nemo was reunited with his dad, Dean heard a soft snore from Ben. Dean looked at Lisa.

Lisa glanced over at her son and said quietly, "Looks like he's asleep."

"Yeah, he probably wore himself out," Dean murmured.

"Are you okay?" Lisa asked, "Is this freaking you out at all? I can move him."

Dean said softly, "No, it's fine. He seems comfortable anyway."

She looked at Ben, and keeping her eyes on him, said, "I don't want him to know that we're dating yet."

"Oh, uhh, okay," Dean said, confused.

"He's young. I'm not sure he'd understand what it means, but he's also very smart," Lisa said, "I don't know how he'd handle me dating someone. I hope you're okay with that, not telling him, I mean."

Dean looked down at Ben. The kid seemed to like him, but this was Lisa's kid. It was definitely her call.

"Yeah, whatever you want," Dean said.

Lisa smiled. "That being said..." she said. She leaned over at kissed Dean softly on the lips.

Before Dean could react, the doorbell rang.

Lisa got up to get the door, and Dean looked down at the child resting on him, making sure the doorbell didn't wake him.

Lisa walked back into the room with a young teenage girl on her heels.

"He just passed out," Lisa said quietly, "But if he does wake up, you know the drill."

"Yep, I've got this. Have fun," the girl said.

Lisa asked Dean, "You ready to go?"

Dean glanced down at Ben and wasn't sure if he'd be able to go. The kid was fast asleep, laying against his side. Slowly, Dean was able to slide out from under Ben, making sure he was laying down on the couch comfortably.

Ben didn't wake up, and Dean could barely pull himself away. The kid looked so peaceful sleeping there. It was sort of relaxing to see him resting like that.

Lisa touched Dean's shoulder, and Dean remembered. Date. Yes, right. They had a date.

Lisa said goodbye to the babysitter as Dean got ready to leave.

Once they got outside, Lisa said, "You were really great in there. Ben really likes you."

"Yeah, I noticed. He's a cool kid," Dean said.

Lisa laced her fingers with Dean's and smiled at him. "So, what time is the movie?" she asked.

"There was one every hour, why?"

"I just don't want to be late."

"We won't be late."

"Well, I don't always walk very fast, so-"

Dean swept her up off her feet and carried her in his arms. She squealed loudly, not expecting to leave the ground so suddenly. He grinned at her, and God, he was falling for this woman.

"Problem solved," he said.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and said, smiling, "You're ridiculous."

He kissed her and let her back down, so they could more effectively get to the theater. He kissed her again when they got in the front doors of the movie theater. He kissed her again when they stood on the escalator, going up to their theater.

He would be perfectly content kissing her forever.

Dean could be in love, he could be loved, he could have a family of his own, and really, he couldn't imagine anything he wanted more.


	22. Round and Round

This was just the worst. Sam enjoyed spending time with Luci, and being cuddled up with him on the couch was nice, but Sam would much rather watch a marathon of droning televangelists than watch these John Wayne movies over and over again.

He could appreciate that Luci was still finding his masculinity, but John Wayne's characters were always such jerks. Sam much preferred the leather phase. This macho, John Wayne, western phase was going to drive Sam insane. Still, he was a good boyfriend, and he'd be supportive of Luci no matter what. So, he didn't say anything about the John Wayne trend. Luci would work it out of his system; Sam just had to wait.

While Dean was out with Lisa, and Charlie and Dorothy were out, Sam and Luci had the apartment to themselves. Normally, this would be awesome, and yet, here they were, watching "McClintock" and not using the empty apartment to their advantage.

Sam tried his best not to fall asleep, but he just couldn't stand John Wayne, and he was bored out of his mind. And Luci's chest was comfortable. And his eyelids were so heavy...

"Are you sleeping?" Luci asked.

Sam mumbled, "No."

"Are you sure?" Luci asked.

Sam smiled and sat up. "I'm awake," he said.

Luci asked, "Is McClintock no doing it for you?"

"John Wayne never does it for me," Sam said, "But I know you like his movies, and I like you, so we can keep watching."

Luci paused the movie and asked, "So, you're saying that John Wayne doesn't do it for you, but I do?"

Sam grinned and said, "You always do it for me."

Luci returned Sam's grin and kissed him.

And that was it.

Luci's tongue invaded Sam's mouth. Sam's fingers spread through Luci's hair. Sam crushed his lips to Luci's as Luci's hands pushed Sam's shirt up his torso.

Sam hoped Dean didn't come home early, because there was very little chance they'd take this to the bedroom.

Sam and Luci's shirts were tossed to the floor haphazardly. Luci kissed Sam hard as his hands set to work on undoing Sam's pants. Ripping Sam's pants from his long legs, Luci settled between his legs on the couch.

"God, you're hot," Luci breathed.

Slowly, Luci kissed the sensitive skin of Sam's hip. The kissing turned into sucking as Luci left a deep bruise, Sam trying not to squirm all the while. Luci raked his teeth lightly over the hickey before moving to make another on Sam's side. Sam gasped at the sensation. It was very nearly painful, but the pleasure overpowered any pain.

Luci continued nibbling and marking his way up Sam's torso, leaving his skin mottled with bruises. Sam was endlessly glad the apartment was empty, because there was no swallowing the moans that escaped him.

Luci pulled back fractionally and said in a low voice, "You're mine." Sam's heart raced. Luci slid up to Sam's mouth and kissed him fiercely.

By the time Luci got back to Sam's lips, Sam was very hard, and his erection pressing against Luci's thigh had Sam's brain scrambling. Luci ran a hand over Sam's boxers, palming his balls lightly. He sat back and grinned as his fingers found Sam's cock. That smile made Sam's pulse skyrocket.

"We should probably do soemthing about this," Luci said, lightly stroking Sam through the fabric of his boxers. If Luci kept touching him like that, Sam was going to lose his mind.

But someone might come home, so he'd really prefer to not have his dick out on the living room couch.

"We should go to my room," Sam said, panting.

Luci smiled and led the way to Sam's bedroom. Sam quickly gathered their clothes and followed his boyfriend.

Luci lay on Sam's bed in nothing but faded jeans and an evil grin on his face.

Oh. God. Yes.

Sam joined Luci in bed, and Luci made quick work of freeing his penis, tugging Sam's boxers down his legs.

"I love you," Luci said, wrapping his hand around Sam's hardness.

Sam gasped at the touch but said in reply, "I love you."

Luci laid down next to Sam and kissed him deeply, pumping his fist along Sam's length at a steady speed.

Holy crap. This was actually happening. This wasn't just in Sam's head. This wasn't just some fantasy Sam had to imagine as he did this himself. This was really, actually happening. And it felt amazing.

Sam's mind was a shattering mess of Luci's lips and, Jesus, Luci's hands and pleasure and God, that feels so good and occasional pain if Luci tugged a little too hard, but God, everything felt sinfully amazing. He moaned into his boyfriend's mouth several times.

Abruptly, Luci stopped. He pulled back from Sam and said, "Sorry, arm got tired." Sam tried to come back down from his sexual high and squelch his disappointment at the loss of sensation.

Before he could succeed, however, Luci moved between Sam's legs, his lips curling around the head of Sam's cock.

Sam gasped half from pleasure, half from shock.

Luci surged forward, taking as much of Sam as he could. Sam moaned loudly and prayed no one had come home. Luci's fingers dug into Sam's hips, holding him to the bed, as he overwhelmed Sam's senses with his mouth. One of Luci's hands ventured to stroke Sam's shaft, but it quickly returned to hold Sam down.

The tight, hot wet of Luci's mouth and tongue had something hot and tight coiling in Sam's stomach. Just as Sam was almost there, so close to release he could barely stand it, he felt Luci's teeth.

Sam hissed in pain, but he quickly tried to focus on the pleasure. He didn't want to let Luci know he'd caused him pain. This was the first time they'd ever done anything like this, and Luci's confidence was so fragile as it was. The last thing Sam wanted was to tell Luci that the first blow job he'd given him was anything less than perfect. At Sam's pained noise, Luci started moving faster, fingers digging into Sam's hips harder.

Again, Luci's teeth grazed the sensitive skin they surrounded. Sam's eyes shot open, but he refused to make any noise to betray the pain. He swallowed the sound and replaced it with a moan. It wasn't very hard to push past the pain and recapture the pleasure. It was so easy that when Luci moved one of his hands to palm Sam's balls, that was it. Sam was going to come.

Sam tried to turn to his side so he wouldn't come in Luci's mouth, but Luci forced him to stay put. He swallowed Sam's orgasm and sat back off of Sam with a smile.

Jesus, that was hot.

Looking at Luci's spit slick lips almost sent Sam right back over the edge despite the painful soreness from Luci's scouring teeth making his penis throb. All he knew was how much he loved Luci for trying to make him feel so good.

Luci plopped down on the bed next to Sam.

"I love you," Sam said.

He pulled Luci to him, kissing him fiercely. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know what his semen tasted like, but he didn't care. He needed Luci's lips on his. How had he ever gotten lucky enough to have someone as wonderful as Luci in his life?

Luci wrapped his arms around Sam, pulling him close, pressing their chests flush with each other. Sam ran his hand along Luci's side and back, letting his fingertips explore and memorize that beautiful, soft skin. He wondered if he could make Luci feel as good as Luci made him feel. Sam let his hand venture further, sliding under the waistband of Luci's jeans and boxers.

Luci pushed Sam away from him.

"What do you think you're doing?" Luci asked, fixing Sam with a sharp stare.

Sam fumbled for words. "I, uhh...I just thought...I mean, I wanted to..." he said, "It's just, umm, what you did for me felt amazing, better than amazing, and I wanted to return the favor."

Luci stared at Sam for a moment, all trace of a smile disappearing. He sat up and faced away from Sam. "You can't exactly return the favor, Sam. I don't have the parts," Luci said.

Sam took a deep breath. He had to be very careful with how he chose his words. "There are other things I could do besides handjobs and blowjobs," he said.

Luci shouted, "I am not a fucking girl!"

Sam reached for Luci's hand and said softly, "I know that. You're my boyfriend, and you're a great guy. I'm just saying that you do have a vagina, and we could-"

Luci smacked Sam hard across the face.

Sam's cheek burned and throbbed from the hit as he touched a shaky hand to his face.

Luci glared at him as he grabbed his shirt from the pile of clothes on the floor.

"Luci, I'm sorry," Sam said.

Luci tugged his shirt on and said, "Save it for someone who cares."

Luci headed for the door, and Sam got up to follow. He had to talk some sense into him. He didn't mean it like it had apparently come out. He knew his boyfriend had boundaries. He should never have said anything.

"Luci-" Sam started.

Luci shoved Sam hard, knocking some of the wind out of his lungs, and pushing him back onto the bed.

Before Sam knew what had happened, he heard the front door slam shut. Luci was gone.


	23. I Want to Know What Love Is

"Good morning, sunshine," Dorothy's voice reached Charlie's still sleepy ears.

Charlie groaned and buried her face in her pillow.

"Gotta get up for school, sweetie," Dorothy said softly.

Charlie flipped over to face her girlfriend. "I hate Mondays. I hate mornings in general," she sighed, "Why did we start going to school again?"

"Because education is important, and we're able to afford it," Dorothy said, "Now, get up." She scooted next to Charlie on the bed, minimizing her bed space, slowly pushing Charlie towards the edge.

"Okay, I'm up," Charlie said, "But I don't like it."

Dorothy smiled and said, "I know you don't. Come and get some breakfast when you're ready."

When Charlie finally emerged from her bedroom, she joined Dorothy and Sam at the table with a bowl of cereal. Wait, Sam? What was he doing here?

"Don't you have school?" Charlie asked Sam.

Sam pushed his spoon around his breakfast slowly as he muttered, "Yeah. Today's a late start."

"Well, that's fun. Get to sleep in a bit for a change," Charlie said.

Sam didn't even bother responding. He barely looked up from his untouched cereal.

Charlie glanced at Dorothy.

Dorothy shrugged and looked at the boy. "Sam, is something wrong?" she asked.

He sighed and faced Dorothy. His face seemed faintly bruised on one side. What the hell?

Charlie asked, "Does it have something to do with your face?"

"No, I just walked into my door. That's not what's wrong," Sam said, "I got into a fight with Luci last night. He's not talking to me."

"Oh, no. What happened?" Dorothy asked.

"It's kind of personal. You cannot tell Luci I told you guys," Sam said sternly.

Dorothy and Charlie both nodded.

Sam sighed and said, "Luci's not comfortable with his body, so getting physical with him is...complicated. Last night, it seemed like we were getting somewhere, but I said something I shouldn't have, and he got mad and left. Now, he's not answering my texts or calls. I don't know what to do."

"Maybe you can try talking to him in person," Charlie said.

Sam said, "I don't know if he'll talk to me."

"You won't know unless you try," Dorothy said, "And he might just need space. I'm sure you guys will work this out."

"Thanks," Sam said to both Charlie and Dorothy. He looked at the time on his phone and jumped up. "Crap, I've gotta go," he said. He rushed to throw his dishes in the sink.

Sam grabbed his bag and ran out the door as Dean stumbled in from his bedroom.

Dean yawned sleepily and ambled to the fridge. The way his hair was sticking up and his distinct lack of pants made Charlie wonder if he knew he was awake let alone if he was planning on going to school that day.

"Late night?" Charlie asked.

Dean nodded slowly, grabbing a Hot Pocket from the freezer and tossing it into the microwave. "Was totally worth it," he said, slurring his words tiredly.

Dorothy asked, "Are you going to school with us?"

"Yeah, I'll be ready," he said.

Dorothy looked at Charlie.

Charlie said, "Dean, we're leaving in five minutes."

Dean rolled his eyes as the microwave dinged.

Five minutes later, Dean was dressed, had his bag packed, and was waiting for the girls to get their shoes on. Charlie had no idea how he'd moved so fast, but after he inhaled the Hot Pocket, she knew all bets were off.

They got to the CTA stop just as the train pulled up to the platform. Today was a good day. Charlie and Dorothy sat next to each other, and Dean slipped into the seat behind them.

At the next stop, a gorgeous blonde woman walked into their train car, walked past them, and moved to the opposite end of the car to sit.

Dean scooted up behind Charlie and asked, "Did you see her?"

Charlie turned around in her seat to face Dean and to sneak another look at the blonde beauty. "Of course I saw her, anyone with eyes saw her. She's hot as hell," she said.

Dean grinned and looked over his shoulder at the blonde woman.

Dorothy said, "Will you guys stop? She's trying to ride the train, not make you start drooling."

"You're right. Sorry," Charlie said, sitting back down in her seat.

"Can we still drool over the girls at school?" Dean asked.

Dorothy rolled her eyes.

Charlie laughed and said, "I hope so. There is this one girl in my math class. She's freaking gorgeous. She's got this long, brown hair and this adorable shoulder tattoo-"

Dorothy snapped, "Charlie, can you not do that?"

"Do what?" Charlie asked.

"Can you not talk about hot girls when I'm sitting right here?" Dorothy asked, getting up.

"I don't see what's wrong with appreciating attractive women," Charlie said.

"Obviously," Dorothy replied. She sighed and walked to the door as the train rolled up to their stop.

The second the doors opened, Dorothy walked quickly away towards her class, not allowing Charlie or Dean to say another word.

Dean and Charlie shuffled onto the platform, both a bit stunned by Dorothy's outburst.

"What the hell was that about?" Charlie muttered, staring off in the direction Dorothy had went.

Dean said, "Well, I'm thinking she doesn't want you being attracted to other girls. I mean, if Lisa had been on the train with us, she'd tear me a new one for checking out another girl."

"Just because you started dating Lisa doesn't mean you're now a relationship expert," Charlie said.

"Dating Dorothy for over a year hasn't made you one either apparently," Dean said, "You should talk to her."

Dean was right. He might even be right about Dorothy not wanting Charlie to talk about other girls. But obviously, Charlie would never do anything with another woman. It was just looking and appreciating. Dorothy was all Charlie needed. She had to know that.

Charlie sighed and walked off to class. She really freaking hated Mondays.

After her class, Charlie couldn't find Dorothy anywhere. They usually would meet up near the cafe in the building where Charlie had class, but Dorothy was nowhere to be seen. She must've actually been pissed. Holy shit. It would've made sense if this were the first time Charlie had talked about other women in front of her girlfriend, but saying stuff like that was a pretty regular occurrence. What was going on?

Dean showed up outside the cafe a moment later. "Hey," he said, "Where's Dorothy?"

"I don't know," Charlie said, plopping down at a table, "I haven't seen her since this morning. She's normally waiting for me here by now."

Dean sat down with Charlie and said, "If she doesn't show up in the next fifteen minutes, I say we ditch class and track her down."

"Sure, she's upset, but that's a little-"

"I can't deal with my next class. Criminal Law is seriously going to put me to sleep, so I'm going to ditch anyway. Are you in?"

Charlie sighed and looked around just in case Dorothy was just running late and coming over to meet them. It was wasted effort.

"Yeah, I'm in," Charlie said.

Fifteen minutes. Dorothy would show up in fifteen minutes. Everything would be fine.

Fifteen minutes later, Dean said, "Okay, she's not here. Want to check the Roadhouse?"

"Why would she be there? She has class," Charlie said.

Dean sighed and said, "I just wanted to go to the Roadhouse. Where are her classes?"

Charlie got up, grabbed her bag, and said, "Follow me."

They walked around the building where Dorothy's class met. They walked around the building they normally met at. They crossed the quad several times as they moved from building to building. There was absolutely no sign of Dorothy.

"Where the hell is she?" Charlie said frustrated.

Dean asked, "Do you think she could be dodging you?"

"Why would she dodge me? She might be mad, but...she wouldn't be dodging me," Charlie said.

Dean gave her a look and asked, "Do you think she could be at the Roadhouse?"

"Why do you want to go to the Roadhouse so badly?" Charlie asked.

Dean sighed and said, "I need a drink. The Roadhouse has beer."

Charlie rolled her eyes.

"Have you tried calling her?" Dean asked.

"Of course, I-oh my God," Charlie said. She whipped out her phone as Dean doubled over laughing. She dialed Dorothy's number.

"Hey," Dorothy answered.

"Hey, where are you?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy said, "I'm, uhh...I'm over at the Roadhouse."

"You've got to be kidding me," Charlie said.

"Well, I didn't really feel like dealing with classes this morning, so-"

Charlie motioned for Dean to follow her as she headed to Taylor Street. She asked Dorothy, "Wait, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm alright. This morning just messed with me. I'm fine," Dorothy said.

"We're heading over," Charlie said.

Dorothy asked, "Don't you have class?"

"Dean and I ditched."

"Both of you? Charlie..."

"Don't start. We're already here."

Charlie grabbed the door and held the door for Dean. Dean gave Charlie a reassuring smile before heading off to the foosball tables.

Charlie found Dorothy sitting at a booth in the corner, drinking a Sprite, and placing a bookmark in a book.

"Hey," Dorothy greeted.

Charlie sat down across from her and asked, "Can we talk about what's going on? Because this is all really coming out of left field for me."

Dorothy sighed and said, "It bothered me that you were checking out other women while I was sitting right there."

"Yeah, not buying it," Charlie said, "I've checked out girls in front of you before. Hell, usually you check them out, too. So, what's-"

"Do you love me?" Dorothy blurted.

Charlie paused and stared at Dorothy. What? "What?" she asked.

"Do you love me?" Dorothy asked evenly, "You've never said it."

"I've said it. I've totally-"

"No, you haven't. Not once. And it hasn't really bothered me, because I can tell you love me even if you haven't said it," Dorothy said, "But I started thinking about us, about what kind of future we might have. It dawned on me that if we ever broke up, I'd be homeless again. Our lives are so intertwined already, and it sort of scared me. Then, you were checking out that girl, and it just...it really bothered me, because what if you did leave me for someone else? What if we actually broke up? What would happen?"

Charlie took a deep breath as she processed what Dorothy had just said. Had she really never said 'I love you'? How could Dorothy even be worried about this? They were solid, their relationship was solid.

"Okay, that's just ridiculous," Charlie said.

Dorothy stared at Charlie sharply.

"No, seriously. It's ridiculous," Charlie said, "If we broke up, you'd still live with us. You'd probably wind up rooming with Sam or Dean, but there is no way a break up would leave you out on the street. And a break up is so far from a possibility, it's laughable. I'm so in love with you, Dorothy. I can't put it into words. I like how we live together already. I like how much we depend on each other. I love our life together, and I love you."

Dorothy smiled so brightly that Charlie knew she should've said those words much, much sooner.

"I love you, too," Dorothy said, still smiling.

Just then a gorgeous brunette woman walked into the Roadhouse, sauntering up to the bar.

"Speaking of leaving you for another woman," Charlie said, following the beautiful woman with her eyes.

Dorothy followed her gaze and shot Charlie a look.

Charlie laughed and smiled at Dorothy. "C'mon, you know you're the only bitch for me," she said.

Dorothy laughed, rolling her eyes, and leaned across the table to kiss Charlie.

Charlie kissed her back deeply as Dean walked over to the booth, leaving a pouting Benny frustrated by the foosball table.

"Does this mean everything's okay with you guys?" Dean asked.

Dorothy broke the kiss and said, "It will be when you stop interrupting us."

Dean laughed, clapped Dorothy on her shoulder, and walked back to the foosball table.

Charlie smiled at her girlfriend and kissed her again, earning a loud whoop from Jo behind the bar. Life was good.


	24. Thunderstruck

Castiel's breath caught. How could this be happening? How could he be here? He watched the beautiful green-eyed man walk away from Benny and over to two kissing women. The man had a brilliant, stunning, life altering smile on his face, and Castiel had to struggle not to fall out of his chair. Dear God, how had this happened?

Honestly, it had been the job thing. Regardless of the charity of his friends, Castiel needed a job. Badly. Free loading off of his friends was slowly driving him crazy. He'd been searching for a job for months. It was always his lack of job experience and lack of permanent address. The job search had led him to the movie theater yesterday. He could clean theaters. He could tear tickets. He could learn how to do anything else he may need to know.

That day, that Sunday, Castiel walked into the theater with a folder with his resume in it. He'd gone in very late since he'd spent most of the day with Gabriel, trying to calm him from the latest of his father's acts of cruelty. When he approached the counter at the theater, he said, "I was wondering if you have any job openings here."

The girl behind the counter smiled and said, "Let me call my manager, and he can talk to you. Just head over to Guest Services, and he'll be right with you."

Castiel walked over to where the girl gestured, holding his folder a little tighter. While he waited, he watched movie goers milling around the lobby. Castiel couldn't even remember the last time he'd gone to see a movie. It's not like he could afford it anyway.

"So, I hear you're looking for a job?" came a voice from behind him.

Castiel turned around to see a tall man giving him a polite smile. "Yes, I am," he said, "Are you hiring?"

The man's smile had a small hint of regret in it, and Castiel knew this was yet another rejection. Great.

"I'm sorry, dude," the manager said, "We just finished hiring for the spring. We'll be hiring again in May, though."

Castiel nodded, trying to swallow his disappointment. "Thank you anyway," he said.

The manager gave him a sympathetic smile and turned to help a customer.

Castiel walked away from Guest Services dejected.

As he headed to leave, the most beautiful man Castiel had ever seen walked through the door.

Castiel stopped dead in his tracks.

The man had short, brown hair that stuck up in an oddly stylized manner. He had piercing green eyes that reminded Castiel of sunlight streaming through the leaves in trees. His eyes were warm like summer. He was taller than Castiel but only by a little. Those soft, pink lips stretched into a smile that had Castiel's heart running overtime, pounding violently in his chest. Castiel could see his hands running over that smooth, freckled skin. His fingers longed to drag through that tousled hair. He would kiss trails up those strong, denim clad thighs.

But it wasn't just the physical that had Castiel frozen in place. He wanted those sparkling green eyes to look on him with adoration. He wanted desperately to know the man with such a stunning smile. He could see them holding hands, walking somewhere together. He could see them kissing sweetly as they woke up together on a lazy weekend. He could see-that gorgeous man holding the door open for a woman.

The man kissed her with those beautiful lips. He gave her that stunning smile. He gazed at her with a love in his eyes that Castiel wished that man would bestow on him.

Castiel felt like he'd been struck by lightning, and the other man was completely unaware. Castiel's world had stopped spinning, and the man who had caused this was straight. His eyes followed the beautiful green-eyed man as he and that girl got on the escalator and kissed again.

Castiel's feet followed them onto the escalator. Maybe if he watched them more, studied that lightly stubbed jawline, he'd be able to imagine that he was the woman who wrapped in the arms of such a beautiful man. For a second, he thought the man looked at him.

That jarred him.

What was he doing? He didn't even have a movie ticket. Castiel came back to himself and left quickly before those green eyes caught him staring. Once he'd reached the street, he knew that man would be on his mind for days.

But now. Now, he'd been sitting in the Roadhouse with Benny, Balthazar, and Gabriel. He'd been daydreaming about the green-eyed man with the freckles everywhere.

Gabriel and Balthazar had just started a game of foosball when Benny had called out, "Dean!" Benny got up quickly, and the flurry of motion briefly dragged his attention towards-

Holy crap. What, in the name of all that is holy, was the man who had been haunting his thoughts doing with Benny like they were friends?

Then, it clicked. Dean. Benny's coworker, Dean. The only other man to beat Benny at foosball, Dean. That was Dean. The man Castiel dreamed of kissing and touching and loving...Castiel had been hearing about Dean for months. Maybe over a year. He'd had no idea. And now, there he was. It all made sense and yet made no sense at all. How could this perfect yet straight guy have been under his nose this whole time?

Gabriel and Balthazar came back to the table, talking and bickering rapidly over their game, but Castiel couldn't focus. He could barely breathe. It was all he could do not to openly stare at Dean's arm muscles as he played foosball with Benny. God, the way Dean's hands were working his side of the table...

"Castiel," Balthazar said, snapping his fingers in front of Castiel's face, "I asked if you want me to get you and this scum some nachos."

"Balth, Gabriel is not scum just because you couldn't beat him at foosball," Castiel said quickly, "But I would love some nachos. Thanks."

Balthazar rolled his eyes dramatically, but he still got up to order nachos from Jo.

Gabriel turned to Castiel and asked, "Where's your head at?"

"Nowhere," Castiel said, "I was just daydreaming."

"Right," Gabriel said skeptically, "Well, you don't have to defend me from Balthazar. I know when he's joking."

"Yes, I know. But I also know that you'll internalize it anyway due to your low opinion of yourself," Castiel said.

Gabriel rolled his eyes but didn't say anything to deny it.

"Gabriel!" Balthazar called from the bar. Gabriel and Castiel turned to look at their friend.

Balthazar held up a jar of jalepenos. "How much do you want?" he shouted.

Gabriel sighed. He faced Castiel and said, "Gotta make sure Balthazar doesn't poison me. Be right back."

Gabriel got up and went over to the bar as Benny smacked the foosball table angrily. Dean laughed, and Castiel's heart stopped. Was a laugh supposed to sound like that? It was amazing. Dean's laugh sounded like pure joy. It was practically musical.

Benny motioned for Dean to follow him to the table, and Castiel's heart rate skyrocketed. Oh God, he was coming over. He could say hi. Maybe Castiel could get to know Dean. He was probably as amazing of a person as he looked.

Oh no. What if Dean recognized his from the movies? Oh God. He needed to leave. Now.

Castiel quickly got up and away from the table. He ran into Balthazar holding a tray with nachos as he beelined for the door.

"Whoa, Cassie, where are you off to?" Balthazar asked.

Castiel stepped past him and called over his shoulder, "I have to go." He walked out of the Roadhouse onto the street, taking a deep breath.

Maybe he'd stop going to the Roadhouse. Or he'd start going more often in the hopes of running into Dean. But Dean had a girlfriend. Even if he wasn't straight, he definitely had a girlfriend. Maybe Castiel could be Dean's friend. Except it was incredibly hard for Castiel to make friends. And being just friends with Dean would be difficult if he couldn't breathe around him. Castiel sighed in frustration. Why was this happening?

The door opened behind him, and he quickly stepped into the shadows of the building. The last thing he wanted was to let someone find him out there. If Balthazar or Gabriel found out that he had some weird attraction to Dean, they'd meddle. It would be horrible.

Luckily, it was neither Balthazar nor Gabriel who walked through the door. It was Dean and those two girls he'd talked to. The red head was holding the brunette's hand.

"Are you coming?" the red headed girl asked.

Dean's face was mostly in shadow where he stood under the street light. "I'll meet you guys at home," he said.

The girls walked off, and Castiel expected Dean to go back inside. But he didn't.

Dean sat down on the curb, dangling his beer bottle between his knees. He still looked beautiful, but he looked tired...or sad. Castiel couldn't quite tell which. He felt the overwhelming urge to give Dean a hug or a supportive hand on his shoulder. But he stayed where he was.

Dean took a swig of his beer and stared at the bottle. He wiped at his face and got to his feet quickly in a way that made Castiel wonder if he was crying. Dean smashed his beer bottle in the garbage can by the Roadhouse door, the glass shattering from the angry, forceful impact.

Castiel stepped from the shadows as Dean turned his back on the Roadhouse. What had happened to make those beautiful lips stop smiling? More than the previous day, Castiel really wanted to know Dean.

"Castiel," Gabriel said, walking through the Roadhouse door, "What are you doing? You've got nachos inside."

Castiel could've sworn he saw Dean look over at him, but Dean was too far away to tell.

"Yeah, right. Sorry," Castiel said. He followed Gabriel inside, realizing there was no way he would get those green eyes out of his head now.


	25. Spirit in the Sky

Gabriel burst into the library in a rush. He needed to be in the library. He had to be here. He needed to find him. Where the hell was-

"Castiel!" Gabriel called, eyes finally finding that trench coat draped over a chair.

Castiel looked up at him as he sat down next to his friend at the table.

"Okay," Gabriel said, "You have to explain to me what happened last night. You just randomly walked out, and then you were only half there for the rest of the night. How, Balth and Benny aren't here. What the hell happened?"

"I was just being weird. It happens," Castiel said. Gabriel gave Castiel a look. Something was definitely going on.

"I don't buy it," Gabriel said.

Castiel reached across the table and slowly ran his hands over Gabriel's shoulders. Gabriel felt his friend's fingers pause on the band-aid under his shirt. He hadn't had the time to wash the blood off this morning, so a large band-aid had been necessary. Gabriel froze, avoiding Castiel's gaze. He didn't want to talk about it.

"No, Castiel, we're not making this about me," Gabriel said.

"Why didn't you call me?" Castiel asked, "What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I want to know what's going on with you."

"Well, I don't want to talk about that, so-"

"So, you show me yours, I'll show you mine?"

Castiel rolled his eyes and said, "Gabriel, why must you always-fine. I have kind of have feelings for someone, and I thought I saw him last night."

"Wait, you have feelings for someone? Who?" Gabriel asked. While he didn't spend every waking moment with the guy, Gabriel hadn't the faintest idea of when Castiel would've met someone, let alone developed feelings. When the hell did any of this happen? Why was he only finding out about these things now?

"No, Gabriel. It's your turn. What happened?" Castiel said.

Gabriel protested, "But you've got big news. I want to-"

"What happened?" Castiel asked again, motioning towards Gabriel's shoulders.

Gabriel sighed and said, "I had a bad morning."

"Yes, I gathered that. What specifically happened?" Castiel pressed.

"Who's the guy you're into?"

"I don't know his name."

"Liar."

"You're avoiding the question."

"Was he at the Roadhouse last night?"

"Gabriel."

Gabriel rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat. "My dad doesn't like me staying out late, and I don't like being home. I woke up to him kicking my door in," he said quickly, "After he stumbled out, Michael laid into me about coming home so late. I would've called you, but..."

"But what?" Castiel asked. Gabriel had been so upset, he'd barely been able to breathe. A phone call would've been completely out of the question.

"I couldn't call. I couldn't focus. Pain's the only thing that gets my head straight when I get like that," Gabriel said with a self-deprecating laugh.

"I understand," Castiel said.

"Of course you do," Gabriel said, "Because I'm a headcase, and my behavior makes so much sense."

Castiel said, "You're the psychology major. Does your behavior make sense to you?"

Gabriel laughed. That was partially why he'd started studying psychology in the first place. Despite the department's extensive warnings not to self-diagnose, he'd spent the majority of his time in college trying to do just that. But the knowledge that he had frequent anxiety attacks, exhibited self-harming behavior, and had strong feelings of self-loathing didn't exactly make him feel better. Just because he had labels didn't mean he felt any more stable or sane. All it meant was that he was in a shitty position at home and would probably develop PTSD if he ever got out of it. God, he just wanted to die.

"Anyway," Gabriel said, changing the subject, "Who's your new man?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Castiel rolled his eyes with an exasperated sigh.

"He's not my anything," Castiel said, "I've never said one word to the man. I don't know the first thing about him."

"That just makes him mysterious," Gabriel said with a purposely sultry tone.

Castiel blushed and muttered, "Shut up."

Gabriel burst out laughing just as someone approached the table. He sobered instantly when he saw who it was. "Kali," he said, "To what do we owe the honor?"

Kali glanced icily at Castiel before turning her burning gaze onto Gabriel. "I need to ask you for a favor," she said evenly.

Curiosity piqued, Gabriel asked, "What's going on?"

"My sister is getting married in April. I need a date for the wedding. My family doesn't know we broke up. I need you to come with me and pretend we're together," Kali said, not meeting Gabriel's gaze, "Please."

"You do realize April is only a month away," Gabriel said.

Kali stared at him and said, "Do not make me beg, Gabriel."

"I was only mentioning it since I've heard that RSVPs usually have to be sent in months in advance," Gabriel said.

Kali smiled bitterly. "Yes, I know. I gave my sister our RSVP when we were still together," she said, "I need you to help me with this."

Gabriel probably should've thought more about the awkward situation that would await him, but he'd made up his mind the moment she'd asked him for a favor. "Yeah, I'll go. Whatever you need," he said.

Kali almost smiled before saying, "Thank you. I'll text you the information." She quickly turned on her heel and walked away.

"That's Kali, your ex, right?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel nodded and put his head in his hands. What had he gotten himself into? He'd never met her family while they'd been together. This was going to be a nightmare. A very real nightmare.

Castiel said, "Gabriel, are you going to be okay going with her to-"

"Yes, I'll be fine. Even if I wasn't, I owe her much more than a fake date," Gabriel said, "So, you're saying that you don't know your mystery man's name, which I still don't believe in the slightest. Can I get a physical description at least?"

Castiel sighed. He said, "Okay, I know his name, but I know you. You'll figure out who it is, and you'll meddle. You'll try to set us up or get too involved in some way, but he has a girlfriend and doesn't know that I exist, so I'd really rather not tell you any more than necessary."

Well, that was fair.

Pretending to be affronted, Gabriel said, "You wound me, Castiel."

Before he could say anything else to weasel out information, Gabriel's phone rang. It was Michael.

"We're not done with this conversation," Gabriel said, making pointed eye contact with Castiel.

Gabriel answered his phone.

"Gabriel," Michael said, "Dad's in the hospital."

Gabriel's heart leaped into his throat, but if it were out of apprehension or happiness, he wasn't sure. "What'd he do?" he asked.

The line crackled, and Gabriel remembered where he was. The library had absolute shit for cell phone reception. He stood up and said, "Hang on. I need to find signal."

Gabriel looked at Castiel and tried to ignore the concerned look on his friend's face. "I'll be right back. Better service in the bathroom," Gabriel said.

Castiel nodded and returned to reading whatever he'd been reading before Gabriel had interrupted him. Gabriel took his phone to the bathroom and leaned against the wall in the right spot. Thank goodness he worked here and knew the little tricks like this.

"Okay," Gabriel said, "What happened to Dad?"

Michael said, "He broke his leg."

"How the fuck did he manage that?" Gabriel asked.

Michael sighed and said, "He was very drunk when he came home, and he fell down the stairs. He's going to need a cast, but they're waiting for him to sober up before giving him anything."

"Okay," Gabriel said, "Thanks for the head's up."

"This isn't a head's up. I need you here," Michael said.

Gabriel chuckled. Stay and find out who Castiel had a hard on for or go and babysit his shit-stain of a father. Hmm. It was a tough call.

"Yeah, I'm not coming. I'm sure you can handle this," Gabriel said.

Michael sighed, frustrated, and said, "You should be here, Gabriel. This is a family emergency."

"I'm at school," Gabriel said, "I have more important things to do than deal with Dad's drama."

"Gabriel, this isn't funny. This is Dad we're talking about," Michael snapped.

Gabriel said, "I swear, it's like talking to a brick wall. I'm. Not. Coming." He hung up his phone and pocketed it.

The silence of the bathroom felt kind of liberating. Sure, he hated leaving his brothers at the hands of his father, but his dad was incapacitated. And it felt good saying no for a change. Gabriel would've been lying if he said he wasn't a little excited to have his dad be stationary for a few weeks. It might actually be peaceful in his house for a bit. Gabriel's heart flipped at the thought.

Before he could celebrate, though, he needed to share the good news.

Gabriel headed out of the bathroom just as a tall guy in a leather jacket shoved past him roughly and slammed into a stall. What a dick. Gabriel hoped that guy really had the shits if he couldn't bother to look where he was fucking going for five seconds. It wasn't enough to ruin his lightened mood, though.

Gabriel left the bathroom and headed back over to Castiel. His dad would be in a cast. He kind of felt like writing a song about it. More pressing, however, was Castiel. He'd figure out who Castiel was crushing on if it killed him.


	26. Rooster

Dean Winchester rushed into the bathroom, nearly knocking a guy over. He didn't care. He needed space. He slammed into the nearest stall, shut the door, and pressed his forehead against the cool stall wall. He tried to get his breathing under control, but his heart was pounding, and his mind was racing, and he just couldn't fucking breathe. He closed his eyes and tried desperately to just stop thinking. But he couldn't.

It was such a small thing that set him off. After his date with Lisa, they went back to her place only to find that Ben was still awake. The kid said Dean's name, and Dean had thought for half a second that Ben had said "Dad."

That was it. That was all it took. He didn't freak out right there. He was able to keep a lid on it till he left Lisa's house. But mishearing that one word had broken the dam in his head that kept memories of John Winchester at bay. Ben didn't even actually say "Dad," and it led to all sorts of painful memories.

He tried drinking his dad out of his head yesterday, but that did nothing but make it worse.

Now, he was hearing his dad.

"Take care of Sammy, boy. I'll be back tomorrow."

"Be careful with that, Dean. You'll seize the engine."

Dean banged his head against the wall. "Stop," he muttered himself.

His fingers clawed against the bathroom stall as his chest shuttered with rapid, hyperventilating breaths. He gritted his teeth. He could see the inside of his dad's truck. He could see his dad's forced smile.

"No," Dean gasped, "No, no, no, no." He shook his head and stared at the tiled bathroom floor.

How many tiles were there? Focus. Focus on the tiles. How many tiles? C'mon, Dean, count.

One, two, his dad's eyes filled with tears. No.

Three, four, five. There's a crack in his dad's windshield. No, damn it. Count.

Six, seven. Breathe. He could hear the gunshot ricocheting around in his head. No, no. Calm down. Breathe. In and out.

Eight tiles. Nine. C'mon.

Dean's breathing slowed as he counted the tiles. His mind seemed to quiet as he focused. Everything just slowed down to a quiet nothing. Thank God.

Dean slumped against the stall wall and sank down to the floor, taking a long, deep breath now that he had the luxury of steady breathing. He felt tired, drained completely of all energy. He pulled out his phone. He needed a distraction, but he needed understanding as well.

He texted Cassie. "Meet me at Fantano's," he sent.

As he stood up and picked up his bag, his phone buzzed.

Cassie replied, "On my way."

Dean stood in front of the cashier when Cassie showed up. It wasn't often that Dean met with her during school hours, so he really shouldn't have been surprised by the look of concern on Cassie's face when she walked into the sandwich shop.

"Are you okay?" Cassie asked as she stepped up behind Dean in front of the cashier.

Dean's hands were still shaking from what happened in the bathroom, so he turned his attention to the cashier. "Anything with meat," he said to the guy.

The cashier said, "Well, we've got a lot in that regard. Anything specifically?"

"I'll have an Italian BLT," Dean said after a minute.

The cashier nodded and rang him up.

Cassie looked over Dean's shoulder at the guy behind the counter and said, "I'll have what he's having."

"Are you guys together or separate?" the cashier asked.

Cassie quickly said, "Together. I've got it."

Dean turned to argue with her, but he barely had the energy to register what she'd said. His head was too quiet.

Suddenly, he was being handed a sandwich. Cassie and Dean sat down with their food, and Cassie faced him with a serious expression.

"Are. You. Okay," she said again.

"Not really," Dean said, picking up his sandwich with shaky hands.

Cassie didn't seem to notice. "What's going on?" she asked.

Dean took a bite of his food to help swallow down the tears threatening to form. "I...umm..." he said when his mouth was empty, "I had one of those episodes I used to have."

"About your dad?" Cassie asked.

Dean nodded wordlessly.

Cassie had actually met John Winchester. When they'd dated briefly in junior high, John had greeted Cassie with a warm smile. He'd been excited to meet someone who had made friends with Dean so quickly. Dean couldn't think about that right now.

After John had...died...Dean had had nightmares and night-sweats. He'd freak out randomly like he had in the bathroom. But he had to be strong for Sam; he couldn't exactly tell him that there was something happening to him. So, he'd sneak out of wherever they'd stopped for the night, find somewhere to borrow a phone, and call Cassie.

Cassie reached across the table and squeezed Dean's hand. She said, "I assume therapy's still out of the question."

Dean sighed. "I can't let Sam know," he said, "And it wouldn't do me any good anyway."

"How do you know?" Cassie asked.

Dean knew therapy was pointless for him. He knew what was causing his issues. He'd watched his father commit suicide. He'd watched. He'd been right there in the car. He'd-

"Dean," Cassie said, voice full of concern.

Dean retracted his shaking hand from hers. No one, not Cassie, not even Sam, knew what exactly had happened to John Winchester. And Dean had decided long ago to keep it that way.

Dean focused on his sandwich to slow his shaky breathing. He said evenly, "There's nothing a therapist could do for me, and it's only becoming an issue again because of Ben. I'm fine."

Cassie sighed and fixed Dean with a hard stare. "Dean, I'm decently sure your 'episodes' are panic attacks. At the very least, a therapist could help you get anti-anxiety medication," she said.

"Medication?! Cassie, I'm not-"

"Wait, who's Ben?"

Dean paused. It had been a while since he'd caught up with Cassie. He hadn't exactly told her about Lisa or Ben. "He's my girlfriend's son," he said quickly.

"What?!" Cassie asked, "You're dating someone?! Who has a kid!? Who are you, and what have you done with Dean Winchester?"

Her grin made Dean feel a bit better. Discussing medication wasn't something Dean ever wanted to do. There was nothing wrong with taking medication, but he could deal with his shit. He didn't need something like that. Talking about the little family he'd found was much more comfortable territory.

"Her name is Lisa. And she's great. She's got this warm smile, and she's beautiful. She's so caring, and-God, Cassie, she feels like home," Dean said, somehow smiling despite feeling so fragile.

Cassie grinned and said, "Holy crap, Dean, you sound like you're in love with her."

Dean didn't know what to say to that. Maybe he was in love with her. He wasn't so sure that was a good thing. He broke everything he touched. He hoped against hope that Lisa and Ben would be an exception.

"So, how are you with her kid?" Cassie asked.

"Ben's pretty great. I've only met him the once, but he's a cool kid," Dean said.

"So," Cassie teased, "You're a dad now, huh?"

"Shut up," Dean said, smiling to cover the pang those words caused in his chest. Dad. Yeah, he couldn't be a dad. Not after his dad. Dean vaguely noticed his hands start shaking again.

Cassie's smile faded, and she grabbed Dean's hands. "Hey," she said softly, "You're okay."

Dean almost laughed. It sounded like a lie when he said he was okay. Hearing Cassie say it bordered on ridiculous.

Dean took a deep breath and said, "I'm good. Sorry."

Cassie gave him a concerned look. "So, that's what's causing your issues? Ben's bringing up dad things for you?" she asked.

"Yeah, kind of. It's just that-" Dean started. He couldn't say it. Not out loud. not without breaking down.

Cassie asked, "It's just what?"

Dean took a long, cleansing breath. He could do this. He could say it. If he couldn't, maybe he needed more help than he thought. "It's just that I keep having this thought," he said. He paused. His voice shook when he said, "What if Ben and I get close? What if Ben starts seeing me as a father? What if I-"

Dean's voice broke as he choked on tears threatening to express themselves. He swallowed the lump in his throat. He had to be able to say it. "What if I leave? What if I abandon him like my dad just-" His breath hitched.

Cassie squeezed his hand, making him focus. "Hey, hey, Dean. Breathe," she said, voice full of concern and sympathy, "You're not your father, honey. You won't do that. If you get close with Ben, he'll have a father figure, which I gather he doesn't have now. And no matter what, it'll be okay."

"Thanks, Cassie," Dean said. he didn't believe all of what she said, but it was nice to hear.

Just then, Dean's phone rang. Dean pulled his hands away from Cassie and grabbed his phone out of his pocket. It was Lisa.

"Hey, Lisa," Dean said, thankful that his voice was calmer than he felt.

"Hey, Dean," Lisa said, "Umm, listen. I have to ask you for a favor. I need to work tonight, and normally my parents watch Ben, but my mom's sick, and-"

"You want me to watch him?" Dean asked.

Lisa sighed and said, "Yeah, could you? I mean, it's seriously unfair of me to be asking you to do this, but-"

Cassie studied Dean's face as he said, "I can watch him. That's fine."

"This is so cute, oh my God," Cassie said.

Lisa paused on the other end of the line and asked, "Dean, are you with someone right now?"

"Yeah," Dean said, "I'm having lunch with Cassie, why?"

"I just thought I heard someone-wait, Cassie? Like your ex-girlfriend, Cassie?" she asked.

Dean sighed. Of course he'd told Lisa about Cassie. Of course he did. Great.

"Technically, yes," Dean said, "But she's like a sister, so I don't-"

"I don't want to know. We'll talk about it later," Lisa said curtly, "Thanks for watching my son." She hung up before Dean could say another word.

Shit.

Dean looked at Cassie as he put his phone back in his pocket.

"Did your girlfriend just get jealous of me?" Cassie asked.

Dean nodded with a long sigh. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He and Cassie were just friends. When he'd told Lisa about her, that was exactly what he'd said.

"It'll be fine," Cassie said, "She hasn't even met me yet."

She was right. It'd be okay.

"Lisa didn't say what time I need to get there, so I'd better head out," Dean said.

Cassie nodded and gathered the rest of her sandwich.

Dean grabbed his food and said, "Thank you, Cassie." She knew why he was thanking her.

She stood up and wrapped Dean in a tight hug. "Anytime, Dean," she said.

They left Fantano's together, Dean feeling a bit better now than he had when he first walked in. He said a quick goodbye to Cassie and headed to Lisa's.

This was going to be a very interesting night.


	27. Next to You

Sam barely wanted to go to school today. It was hard enough being in high school, but that usually didn't bother him. What bothered him was Luci. Luci hadn't talked to him in days. He tried to give his boyfriend space, he tried to write him notes, he tried catching him by his locker. It was no use. Sam sighed as he turned the combination lock on his locker. Maybe being gentle with Luci wasn't going to get him anywhere. Maybe he needed to be more assertive to get Luci's attention. Slowly, Sam formed a plan. Perhaps the time for being gentle was over. Sam went off to class praying that he'd still have a boyfriend by the end of the day.

It wasn't until lunch that he found Luci. Sam saw him sit down by Ruby and Meg with a tray of food, and he knew it was now or never. His chest clenched as he hoped he wouldn't upset Luci too badly.

Sam walked over to the table, looked Luci dead in the eye, and said, "Luci, we need to talk."

Luci dropped Sam's gaze and stood up from the table.

Ruby and Meg looked from Luci to Sam silently.

Luci leveled an icy glare at Sam and said, "We have nothing to talk about." Without waiting for a response, Luci turned to leave the cafeteria.

Sam quickly hopped around the table and caught Luci by the sleeve of his jacket. "We need to talk. Now," he said, stern and even.

Luci sighed and pulled Sam over to the boys' bathroom. He pushed Sam inside and punched in each stall door to be sure they were alone.

Luci turned around and stared at Sam. "You said we need to talk. Talk," he said.

Sam said, "I need you."

"What?" Luci asked, "That's all you've got to say to me?"

Sam stepped closer to Luci and slowly grabbed his hands. He swallowed, barely able to breathe through the anxiety that threatened his every move. He couldn't risk hurting Luci more, and he hoped to God he knew what he was doing. He placed Luci's hands on his plaid flannel. "I need you," he repeated, "I need you to talk to me. I need you to smile at me. I need you to kiss me. I need you to stop hating me for just long enough to remember that you love me, because I don't know what to do without you. I love you. I'm sorry for before. I don't know what else to say, but I miss my boyfriend."

Luci's fingers tightened in Sam's shirt, fisting the flannel roughly. "Is that so?" he hissed. He shoved Sam in the bathroom wall and fixed him with an intense stare. "You're sorry?" Luci asked.

Sam said, "Yes, I-" but Luci silenced him with a finger to his lips.

"And you've learned your lesson?" Luci asked, "That you will never, ever say those things about me or my fucking anatomy ever again?"

"I love you," Sam said, "I never meant to hurt you or overstep my boundaries with you."

"That's not a yes. My body is my business, and I will tell you what I'm comfortable with, not the other way around."

"I wasn't trying to-I only wanted you to know how I feel about you."

"That's adorable, really, it is. I'm a freak, Sam."

"No," Sam said sternly, "No, you're not. I love you, all of you, as you are. If you decided to transition with surgery and hormones and everything today, I'd love you. If you decided to never try any of that stuff, I'd love you. If you told me tomorrow that you want to identify as a girl, I'd love you. It doesn't matter to me, none of it does. I'm in love with you, every last inch of you."

Luci's lips trembled for a brief second, but he quickly recovered. "I'm wrong, Sam," he said quietly.

"You're perfect," Sam said, equally quiet.

Luci laughed bitterly and said, "You just don't get it."

"Kiss me," Sam said.

Luci couldn't hide the shock from his features. "What?" he asked.

Sam said, "Kiss me. If I kiss you, you'll take it as a show of dominance, and I know how much you hate that. And I get it, I do. But I need you to kiss me. And you need me to kiss you."

"God, if it'll shut you up, fine," Luci said, unable to hide the small smile threatening his cold demeanor. He pushed Sam up hard against the wall and kissed him within an inch of his life. Sam pulled Luci into his arms and kissed him back. He felt Luci loosen up a bit, and it gave Sam hope. Maybe this would be okay. Maybe they would be okay.

Luci bit down on Sam's lower lip, making Sam yelp, as another guy walked into the bathroom. Sam and Luci jumped apart quickly and bee-lined for the door.

Once they got back to the cafeteria, Sam was dying to ask what would happen next. He needed to know. Were they together? Was he okay? Were they okay?

Luci walked just enough ahead of Sam that he couldn't tell where the hell they stood. Luci sat back down at the table with Meg and Ruby in front of his lunch.

Sam erred on the side of caution and walked past the table.

"Sam," Luci called, "Where are you going?"

Sam stopped and gave Luci a questioning look.

"Well, if you don't want to have lunch with your boyfriend, I mean, I guess I understand," Luci said.

Sam smiled widely and walked over to the table. He hadn't fucked it up. He'd fixed it. They'd be okay. For the first time since Luci had walked out of his bedroom, Sam felt like he could breathe again. His heart was still hammering in his chest, but for the first time in a while, it felt like a good thing.

Sam sat next to Luci. Sure, he hadn't had lunch yet, but that didn't matter. He had Luci back. Food could wait.

At the end of the day, Luci met Sam at his locker, and it was the best thing ever.

"So, I have to tell you a few things," Luci said.

Sam grabbed his backpack out of his locker and gave Luci his full attention.

"Well, you see-" Luci started.

Suddenly, a voice floated down the hallway, "Yeah, those were the weirdo fags in the bathroom."

Luci froze, and Sam turned to see who the hell was talking.

Some senior walked up to them with a group of his friends. "Isn't this weird for you guys?" the senior said, clearly teasing them, "I thought lesbians were into girls, and last I checked, gay kids were still big fans of dick."

Sam sighed. He was only mostly into guys. It had been a while since he'd been attracted to girls, so he supposed being called gay wasn't too inaccurate, but he definitely preferred the term 'queer.'

The way that Luci bristled at being called a lesbian, however, was nothing compared to the discomfort Sam felt. Sam slowly grabbed Luci's hand.

Luci faced the senior. "Why the fuck does it matter to you?" he snapped.

The senior took a step closer and said, "Freaks are always interesting."

"Bite me," Luci spat.

"Isn't that his job?" the senior asked, gesturing to Sam, "Or wait, is it yours? Sorry, I just can't tell who's the girl in this whole thing."

Sam tugged on Luci's arm, pulling him away from the senior before anything escalated.

Once they were outside, Luci shouted, "What the hell, Sam? I could've-"

"You could've what? Argued more? Gotten into a fist fight with random idiots? Do you even know those guys?"

"No," Luci said, "But that's not the point. I hate jerks like that. When they're being jerks to me, I have to stand up for myself."

Sam sighed and grabbed Luci's hands. "And you did," he said.

Luci pulled Sam over to the parking lot and muttered, "Why do idiots have to make everything hard?"

Sam said with a small laugh, "Luci, you're trans, and I'm queer. Did you think this was going to be easy? I'm surprised we haven't gotten picked on until now."

Luci looked out across the parking lot for a second before quickly turning to Sam and gripping his arms hard. "I have to go soon, but I have to tell you something," he said, "I came out to my parents."

Sam brain could barely process those words. "What?" he managed.

Luci said, "I told my parents that I'm trans. They, uhh, they took it better than I thought. I don't think they fully understand, but they do have one rule. You're not allowed over at my place."

Sam was stunned. He laughed and said, "Because we hang out there so often?"

Honestly, Sam couldn't remember the last time he'd been over to Luci's place. Luci didn't feel comfortable around his parents, so they always hung out at Sam's.

"That's not the point," Luci said, "My parents are kind of okay with the trans thing, but they are definitely not okay with the gay thing."

"So, don't tell them we're back together."

"Yeah, you try keeping half of who you are a secret."

"I know, I'm sorry," Sam said, "But at least they were okay with you being trans. It's better than nothing. The other stuff, we'll figure out. It'll be okay."

Luci gave Sam a soft smile as a car pulled up to the curb in front of them.

"Luci, c'mon," Meg said, leaning out the window.

Ruby leaned over in the driver's seat and winked at Sam. Sam ignored her, but Luci's eyes flashed angrily in a way that made Sam know Ruby was about to get an earful the second his boyfriend got in that car.

"Ruby can drive?" Sam asked.

Luci said, "She's on her learner's permit, but it's not like we're gonna get pulled over." Sam wasn't necessarily a fan of how reckless they were, but Ruby and Meg made Luci happy, so Sam accepted it.

Luci kissed Sam deeply, and Sam could easily feel it was for Ruby's benefit. He knew it was Luci's way of marking him. Still, the kiss was nice. Sam kissed Luci back just as hard and released him to go be with his friends.

Sam's phone buzzed as Ruby, Meg, and Luci drove away.

"Hey, Dean," Sam answered.

"Sam, hey, uh, are you gonna be okay walking home by yourself?" Dean asked.

Sam said, "Dean, I'm sixteen. I can definitely walk home by myself. Why? What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna be babysitting Ben if Lisa ever gets out of the shower," Dean said.

Sam heard some shouting and some laughter, and he kind of felt like he was intruding in their little domestic life.

Dean said, "You sure you'll be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Have fun," Sam said.

Dean laughed and hung up.

Sam quickly pocketed his phone. He started walking home, feeling lighter than he had in days.


	28. Vision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never do author's notes before chapters, but this is a special circumstance.
> 
> As some of you may have noticed, I haven't updated this fanfic in nearly a month. I haven't abandoned it. I fully intend to finish it, and I sincerely hope that anyone reading it will enjoy the direction the story will take.
> 
> I have a lot of things going on right now. Mostly, I'm busy, but I also have other fanfics that I've been working on. My attention is all over the place, and working on this fic keeps falling through the cracks. I don't want to force chapters. Between finding a full time job, dealing with bouts of depression, seeing a new therapist, and keeping my head through all of this craziness, finding the energy to write been difficult to say the least.
> 
> Just know that I will never, ever abandon one of my fanfics. This will get finished. It just won't happen as quickly as I had liked.
> 
> Thank you for reading my work and being so incredibly awesome =] Without further ado, here's the chapter.
> 
> -Selina

"C'mon, Sam. Get your shoes on. Let's go," Dean said, barking out his anxiety.

Sam rolled his eyes and asked, "Do you even have the folder?"

"Of course I have the..." Dean said, "I'll be right back." Dean ran down the hall to his room as Dorothy chuckled softly under her breath. Charlie only heard her by the good fortune of laying on her lap.

"You know, your boobs are really cute when they move when you laugh," Charlie said.

Dorothy blushed and looked down at Charlie. She ran her fingers through Charlie's hair and said with a smile, "What am I going to do with you?" Charlie grinned as Dean came rushing back out of his room, waving a manila folder.

"I've got the folder. Let's go," Dean said.

Sam pulled his shoes on and asked, "Did you eat breakfast?"

Dean sighed, "Sam, we don't have time for breakfast. We've got to-"

Charlie got up from Dorothy's lap reluctantly and walked to the kitchen, holding up a finger to silence Dean. "Here, take these," she said, grabbing a plate with two Hot Pockets on it and handing it to Sam.

"Thanks, Charlie," Dean said, grabbing a Hot Pocket.

"Don't thank me," Charlie said, "Dorothy was the one who knew you'd forget to eat. See you when you get home."

Dean looked at Dorothy and smiled. Sam hugged Dorothy and quickly hugged Charlie before taking his Hot Pocket.

"Don't be nervous," Dorothy said to Sam.

Sam swallowed and nodded, finally betraying the nerves that Dorothy had somehow picked up on.

"Good luck, guys," Charlie said. Dean took a bite of his breakfast, gave his friends an uncertain look, and opened the door.

"Ready?" Dean asked.

"Nope," Sam said.

The brothers walked out of the apartment, leaving Charlie and Dorothy on their own.

It was the last meeting that Dean and Sam had to have with DCFS. Sam turned 17 in a few days, and if everything went well today, he'd be officially emancipated.

"So, what do you want to do while they're gone?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy shrugged. "I don't know. What do you want to do?" she asked.

Charlie sighed. From the smirk on Dorothy's face, she knew exactly what would happen if she continued this. Besides, she actually did know what she wanted to do.

Charlie walked over to her girlfriend and said, "Let's go to the beach."

"What?" Dorothy asked with a laugh.

"The beach," Charlie said, "I've been in Chicago forever, and I've been to the beach maybe once. Let's go."

"We don't have a car," Dorothy said.

Charlie walked over to the door and started putting on her shoes. "I know," she said.

"So, we're going to walk?" Dorothy asked.

Charlie smiled and said, "Yep."

"When are the guys going to get back?"

"Does it matter?"

Dorothy grinned and grabbed her shoes as Charlie opened the door.

"Is it warm enough for the beach?" Dorothy asked in the hallway.

Charlie sighed and said, "I'm starting to get the feeling that you don't want to go to the beach with me."

Dorothy shook her head and said, "I never said I didn't want to go. I'm just trying to be practical."

"It'll be fine," Charlie said, almost pulling Dorothy down the stairs and out the door.

From their apartment, walking to the lake would be a bit of a hike, but much to Charlie and Dorothy's delight, it was a beautiful day out. Charlie entwined her fingers with her girlfriend's as they headed east to Lake Michigan.

An easy silence fell between them. Well, it wasn't really silence. The voices of passersby and car horns punctuated the air around them. But it was nice. The warm sunlight danced off of the buildings and lit up the city streets. People talked on their phones, rode their bikes, stood outside storefronts. It was this busy, people-filled city life that Charlie absolutely loved. On a warm day like this, everyone was in a good mood, and everyone wanted to enjoy the sunny spring day before the weather randomly changed again.

At a red light, Dorothy gave Charlie a hug from behind and said over her shoulder, "You know, I had a dream about you last night."

Charlie grinned as the light changed. They started walking across as she asked, "Oh, really? What about?"

Dorothy smiled rather impishly, and Charlie had a pretty good guess what her girlfriend dreamt about.

"Care to give me a better idea what that smile means?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy led her into an alley on their left and gently pressed Charlie up against the brick wall.

"I figured it was this sort of dream," Charlie said.

Dorothy pressed her lips to her girlfriend's and kissed her deeply. Charlie swallowed a moan as her hands ran up Dorothy's back, pulling them closer together. Dorothy's tongue ventured into Charlie's mouth as her hand snaked between Charlie's thighs. There was no stopping the pleasure-filled gasp that escaped Charlie's lips. Dorothy started kissing Charlie's neck, and Charlie could swear she saw stars.

"Well, no wonder you didn't want to go to the beach," she said, panting.

Dorothy pulled away from Charlie and grinned. "I do want to go to the beach with you," she said, "But I may have had other things on my mind, yes."

Charlie laughed and said, "Let's go have fun at the lake. But when we get back, sex is definitely on the table."

"I don't think our table is big enough for-" Dorothy started.

Charlie laughed and said, "Smart ass."

They left the alley hand in hand.

"You're right, though," Charlie said, "We do need a bigger table. Imagine the chaos if we ever had company over."

"It is kind of hard to manage whenever Luci is over," Dorothy agreed.

Charlie shook her head and said, "Okay, beach first. Then, sex. Then, pizza. THEN, we can start planning a shopping trip to upgrade the table."

"Pizza?" Dorothy asked.

Charlie nodded, "Yep. Pizza. We'll have to do something to celebrate the boys' big day, and we all like pizza."

"What if it doesn't go well with DCFS?" Dorothy asked.

"In that case," Charlie said, "They'll still want pizza. There will just be more booze involved."

They continued walking to the beach. When the lake loomed in the horizon, and they could finally see the bright sand reflecting the sun, Charlie smiled excitedly. She hadn't been to the beach since...oh, gosh, since her parents were alive. She lived in the city, and the beach was right there all the time, but it had still been years since she'd gone.

"I'll race you," Charlie said.

Dorothy gave a patient smile and grabbed her hand. "How about we don't go running across Lake Shore Drive like idiots? I like being alive, y'know?" she said.

Charlie sighed and said, "You drive a hard bargain."

Once they safely crossed Lake Shore Drive, Charlie and Dorothy kicked off their socks and shoes and walked down to the water's edge. Feeling the waves slide over their toes, the girls were wracked with giggles and screams at the freezing water. It was perfect.

After a while of wading in the waves, they sat down on the sand, socks tucked safely in their shoes and shoes nestled in the sand next to them.

"This was a good idea," Dorothy said, staring at the waves crashing up onto the shoreline.

"Yeah," Charlie said, "I love the beach. It's so relaxing." Just the sound of the waves against the sand was practically hypnotic.

"You know, if I ever get married, I'd do it right here," Dorothy said.

Charlie looked at her girlfriend and tried to pretend like the word 'married' didn't kick her heart into a panicked overdrive. "Right here? Like this exact spot? Should I write down the coordinates for you?" she asked.

Dorothy laughed, shaking her head. "No, not here specifically. Just here at the lake. I love Lake Michigan, and it would be nice. I doubt it'll ever happen, though," she said.

Charlie froze for a second. She really, really, very much did not want to say something she'd regret. Still, her curiosity got the better of her.

"Why do you say that?" Charlie asked, "You might get married."

"First of all, I'm a lesbian. It's not exactly legal in this state. Second of all, I can see how much this conversation has you on edge," Dorothy said.

Charlie said, "Well, it's not legal yet, but it might be eventually. And no one said you'd have to marry me, so..."

Dorothy fixed Charlie with a hard stare that made Charlie want to dive into the waves and forget this whole conversation. They could've just stayed at the apartment and had sex all day.

"If I get married, I would want it to be with you," Dorothy said.

Charlie said quickly before anything got worse, "I don't want to get married."

Dorothy asked gently, "How come?"

Charlie took a minute. How could she possibly put it into words that wouldn't end up making her look like an ass? "Well, uhh, a few reasons," she said, "Marriage is fucked up as an institution, and almost the entirety of it's legal aspects is the subjugation of women. It causes inequality, because the state still decides who marries and who doesn't, which directly correlates to who gets tax breaks and insurance benefits and who doesn't."

Dorothy gave her a look that said she knew Charlie was avoiding something.

Charlie sighed and said, "But even if that weren't the case, marriage is a huge, scary commitment."

Dorothy nodded and said, "That's what I thought."

"And it's not that I wouldn't want to commit to you, it's just that-"

"Charlie, I get it," Dorothy cut her off, "I'm not mad. Marriage is a big deal, and it's something that we can't even think about until Illinois gets its head out of its ass, so don't worry. I'm not proposing or anything. I would like to marry you at some point, even if it's just an unofficial ceremony thing, but that's only because I love you. And it's because I love you that I wouldn't want to pressure you to do something with me that you weren't comfortable with."

Charlie blinked and smiled at Dorothy. "I love you," she said.

"I know," Dorothy said with a laugh.

Charlie pushed Dorothy down against the sand and kissed her full on the lips. They stayed like that one the beach, lazily making out until more than a few disgruntled parents had their eyes on them. Even then, Charlie and Dorothy stayed curled up with each other on the sand.

Eventually, after some more wading in the waves and chasing each other down the sandy shoreline, Charlie and Dorothy left the beach to pick up some pizza and head home. Hopefully, by the time they got there, Sam would be legally emancipated.


	29. Who Do You Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...it's been forever since I updated...and I am SO SORRY!!! I am so incredibly sorry about that. Oh gods, I did not mean for this to take so long. At first, I wasn't writing, because my depression got especially bad. Then, I started a new job and moved to a new apartment and had to situate my pets while balancing work and therapy, so every kind of shit hit the fan, but IT'S OKAY, BECAUSE I'M BACK NOW AND I REALLY, REALLY HOPE I DO NOT LEAVE YOU GUYS HANGING LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN! O.O So, uhh, enjoy?

There he was. How could he be there? Why? Why was he there? It made no sense. Except it made perfect sense, but it still made no goddamn sense. 

Dean looked over towards Castiel, and Castiel quickly flattened himself to the wall around the corner. 

"Wow, who are you hiding from?" Balthazar asked, giving Castiel a once over. 

"What? Nothing. No one," Castiel said quickly, "What are you doing here?" 

"Well," Balthazar said, sauntering over from across the hall, "I do go to school here. And you're kind of standing in front of my class."

Castiel moved to the side awkwardly and tried to get his heart rate under control. Dean Winchester went to school with him? How was that even possible? Dean did kind of look like he was near Castiel's age, but it was ridiculous. Someone that good looking couldn't possibly exist within the same educational area as Castiel. Okay, now that made no sense. It was a huge school, and it was in the city. What really didn't make sense is that Castiel hadn't been hugely paranoid about running into Dean in the halls before. 

Balthazar waved a hand in front of Castiel's face. "You okay, Cassie? You look like you've seen a ghost," he said.   
Dean turned the corner and walked past them. 

Castiel ducked around Balthazar and said, "I have to go. See you later, Balth." He hurried down the hall, ignoring Balthazar's confused shouts after him.

After Castiel got down another hallway, he realized that if he just took another right turn, he could run into Dean again. Of course, it would be completely ridiculous if he did something like that. He had better things to do with his time than-- He took a right at the end of the hall and caught a small glimpse of those beautiful green eyes before hurrying away down the hall again. 

He tried to rationalize it. He tried desperately to find some rhyme or reason for his silly behavior. Maybe he could pretend that he was simply appreciating Dean Winchester's aesthetic in an artistic way...or maybe scientific? He walked past Dean again, trying to seem nonchalant. It's not like Dean noticed him or anything anyway. He tried not to let that sting. He really wished Dean would notice him. He wished those green eyes would look at him and light up. But that wasn't going to ever happen. 

Castiel decided on one thing as he watched Dean walk away after passing him yet again; he was in no way, shape, or form going to stalk Dean Winchester. 

Which is precisely how Castiel found himself outside of Dean's math class. Definitely not stalking. Not a chance. It was mere happenstance that he checked his watch and knew that Dean had math at 1pm in room 187 in the Behavioral Sciences Building. It was a complete coincidence that Castiel had happened to see Dean several times on the way across campus to this building. Castiel sighed. He knew he was being absolutely ridiculous. 

Maybe if he actually talked to Dean, he'd stop being such a teenage girl about all of this. But what the hell would he say? Hi, I'm Castiel Novak. I've been stalking you for the last twenty minutes? Yeah, that'd go over really well. Hi, I saw you at the movies with your girlfriend and fell in love with you? Castiel was decently sure that anything that could come out of his mouth would land a restraining order against him. 

He turned the corner, so he could do a lap around the floor and think of something better to break the ice with when he ran into Balthazar. 

"Balth?" Castiel said, surprised, "Don't you have class?" 

Balthazar smiled and said, "Yeah, but you ran off like a spooked horse. I couldn't very well sit through class wondering if my best friend is okay." 

"I'm fine, Balthazar," Castiel said, trying and failing not to glance at Dean's classroom door. 

"My goodness, you're a bad liar," Balthazar said, "What's going on?" 

Castiel blanched but said, "Nothing. It's fine. I'm fine." 

"Cassie, c'mon. What's going on with you lately? Something's got you off kilter," Balthazar pressed. 

Castiel sighed. Okay. He'd tell him as much as he'd told Gabriel. But that was it. "Alright," he said, "I'll tell you. It's not a big deal, it's just that I--" 

Dean Winchester hurried out of his classroom and walked right towards them. 

Castiel pulled Balthazar with him around the corner and out of the building. 

"Cassie, what the hell?" Balthazar said.

Castiel said quickly, "It's just that I can't tell you around so many people. Let's go to your dorm, so it's at least a little private."

Balthazar said, "Alright, let's go, but don't think this is gonna get you out of telling me what the hell's been going on."

Once they were at Balthazar's dorm, Castiel paused. 

Balthazar said, "What? You're at my room all the time. Why are you putting on the brakes?" 

Castiel sighed. "If I go inside, I have to tell you something very personal, and the thought of it makes me uncomfortable." 

"It makes you uncomfortable to talk to me?" Balthazar asked, confused. 

"No," Castiel said, "It's not that. It's just...nevermind." 

Castiel walked into the room, pulled Balthazar in with him, and closed the door. 

"Okay," Castiel said, "I like someone. And it's kind of extremely new for me to have these sort of emotions with regards to other people, so I've been a bit...jumpy, I guess." 

"Wait, this is the first time you've liked somebody? Ever?" Balthazar asked, shocked. 

Castiel sighed and sat on Balthazar's bed. He said, "Yeah. I, umm, I moved around a lot before coming to Chicago. I never really had enough time in one place to form any sort of attachment to anybody. I mean, I'd find people attractive before, but I usually didn't see anyone more than once. I didn't even have friends before you guys. So, yes, crushing on this guy is new. And very confusing." 

"A guy, you say?" Balthazar said. 

Castiel grinned at Balthazar, realizing he'd only really come out to Gabriel, and said, "Yeah, a guy."

Balthazar sat next to Castiel on the bed and asked, "Does this guy have a name?" 

"Yes, I believe he does," Castiel said. 

"Can I know this name?" 

"Nope." 

"Why not?" 

"Because if you know his name, then you might figure out who it is, and then you and Gabriel will start meddling." 

Balthazar pursed his lips for a second before saying, "Yeah, that's fair. Can I ask something, though?" 

"Maybe." 

"What was it that made you realize you like this guy?" Balthazar asked. 

"Well," Castiel said, standing up, "He kind of blew me away. He's gorgeous, and his eyes are just amazing. But mostly, it's the fact that I can't breathe the right way when I'm around him. And he makes me so nervous but in a good way. I just wish I had the nerve to talk to him." 

Balthazar frowned for a moment before asking, "You've never even talked to the guy?" 

Castiel shook his head. 

Balthazar sighed and said, "And here I was hoping you were talking about me." 

"What?" Castiel asked. Balthazar was hoping Castiel liked him? What? That made no sense. They were friends. That's it. Just friends.

Balthazar stood up and took a step towards Castiel. "Cassie, how can you know that you like somebody if you don't even know them? He could be a complete jerk. But you know me. We're best friends. How is it that you're so sure about this random guy when someone who cares about you is standing right here and you won't give him a chance?" he said. 

"Balth, I don't--" Castiel started. 

Balthazar pulled Castiel to him and dipped his head to press a kiss to his lips. 

Castiel's world spun. What if Balthazar was right? Balthazar had taken him in off the street, he'd been how Castiel even met his group of friends, he'd been there for Castiel through a lot, and honestly, kissing him would be kind of nice. But Balthazar wasn't Dean. The intimacy of being so close to Balthazar was only a fraction of the electricity and warmth Castiel felt when only looking at Dean. He'd never been so sure about his feelings about anything. 

Castiel pushed away from Balthazar before they could kiss and walked out the door. 

"Cassie, wait!" Balthazar shouted. 

But Castiel didn't turn around. Balthazar had just tried to kiss him. He was still trying to wrap his brain around that one. He needed to go somewhere familiar, somewhere where he could get his head straight. 

A few minutes' walk across campus found Castiel in front of the Roadhouse. God, he hoped one of his friends were in there. Castiel walked in and immediately rushed over to the bar. One of his friends was there alright. And so was Dean. Dean was over by the foosball tables. He was playing against Benny. 

After his astonishingly stalkerish behavior from earlier, Castiel didn't want to risk showing his face. Even if he was completely sure that Dean hadn't seen him at all. If he ever managed to talk to Dean, he was never ever going to tell Dean about any of that.   
"What's wrong, Castiel?" Jo asked from behind the bar. 

Castiel sighed and said, "I'm an idiot, my crush is in here, and all I want to do is dissolve into the floor." The words came out before he could think twice. Oh, God. Castiel prayed that there were a lot of people in the bar right now.

Jo looked up and said, "Sorry to burst your bubble, but the only two ladies in here are lesbians, hun." 

"No, it's not them." 

"Is it me?" Jo asked. 

Castiel laughed a little and said, "No, Jo, I'm gay." 

"I knew it," Jo said excitedly. She leaned closer to him over the bar and asked, "So, who is it? Benny?" 

"No," Castiel said, shaking his head. 

Jo looked around and said, "Oh, sweetheart, tell me you've got a thing for one of the grizzly biker guys in the corner." 

Castiel sighed and shook his head. 

"Shit," Jo said, "It's Dean, isn't it?" 

Castiel looked up at Jo in alarm. "You cannot tell a single soul, Jo," he said. 

Jo shook her head and said, "I'm not going to tell anybody, but honey, that boy is as straight as they come. And he's got a girlfriend. You're really barking up the wrong tree." 

"I know," Castiel said, putting his head on the bar, "I know I don't have a chance with him. I can't help it." 

Jo came around the bar and sat next to Castiel, rubbing his back gently. "Don't worry. We all go through having a crush on Dean Winchester. It happens to the best of us," she said. 

Castiel sat up and faced Jo. "How do you know him?" he asked. 

Jo smiled and said, "We all have our secrets, and that is one secret that is not mine to tell. What I can tell you is that Dean's kind of like the older brother I never wanted. He and Sam have been in my life for years. They're my best friends." 

Castiel's heart stopped. He'd finally told someone that he had feelings for Dean, and that person happened to be a close friend of Dean's. Shit. Shit. Fuck. Shit. 

"Please, do not tell Dean. Please, Jo, I wouldn't be able to survive the embarrassment," Castiel said. 

Jo said, "Sweetie, I'm not gonna tell Dean. You told me I can't tell anyone, and I believe anyone includes Dean. If he ever becomes single, I can't say I won't throw you at him a little, but it'll be subtle, trust me. Your secret's safe with me." 

"What secret?" Gabriel asked loudly, walking over to them. 

Benny and Dean glanced over to the bar, and Castiel buried his face in his hands. 

"Hi, Gabriel," Castiel grumbled. 

Gabriel sat down and asked Jo, "Did Castiel tell you the identity of his secret mystery man?" 

Jo grinned and stood up. "My lips are sealed," she said, walking back behind the bar. 

"Aww, c'mon! Castiel! You told her, but you can't tell me?" Gabriel said. 

Castiel said, "I trust Jo not to get involved." 

"And, what, you don't trust me to keep my nose out of it?" Gabriel asked. 

Castiel gave him a look. 

Gabriel laughed and said, "Alright, alright, point taken. But you're going to have to tell me sooner or later." 

Benny and Dean walked over to the bar, and Castiel made a very pointed effort not to react in front of Gabriel. 

Dean sat down on the bar stool next to Castiel and said, "Hey, Jo, could you grab Benny and me a couple of beers? He's gonna need one after how badly I just kicked his ass in foosball." 

"Shut the hell up, Winchester," Benny grumbled. 

Castiel tried desperately to remember to breathe. This was a new kind of hell. He looked over at Gabriel, and keeping his voice as level as he could, asked, "Do you mind if I crash at your place tonight? Things are a little weird with Balthazar." 

"What happened with Balth?" Gabriel asked. 

Benny looked over, making Dean look right at Castiel. Time seemed to stop. Or maybe Castiel's heart stopped beating. Something strange happened. And Dean was looking right at him. It was a weird look. Like Dean didn't know him. Which made sense since Dean did not, in fact, know Castiel at all. Still, it was a blank, fleeting look. It definitely wasn't the awestruck look that was almost certainly on Castiel's face the first time he laid eyes on Dean. It's not like that wasn't expected. Dean was straight and taken, and Castiel wasn't exactly much to look at. Dean looked away quickly, returning to a conversation with Jo and Benny. 

Castiel answered Gabriel's question without a hitch as if time hadn't just slowed down for him. "Balthazar tried to kiss me," he said. 

"He what?!" Gabriel asked, shocked, "Holy--well, yeah, you can stay at my place. I have half a mind to stop by Balth's dorm and kick his teeth in for you. But if you're coming over, we should go now." 

Gabriel did not know how much Castiel wanted to run from the bar. He did not know how every fiber of Castiel's being wanted to run and hide from Dean Winchester at the same time as wanting to run his hands down Dean's body and through his hair. Leaving was obviously the better alternative. Less potential for being awkward that way.

"Yeah, let's go," Castiel said. He and Gabriel left as a very tall boy walked in the door. 

"Heya, Sammy!" Dean called. 

Castiel wondered vaguely if that was the Sam that Jo had talked about. 

As they walked, Castiel was waiting for a comment from Gabriel about the guy they had walked past. He was quite easy on the eyes, and Gabriel was never one to miss out on noticing hot people. But the comment never came.

"Hey," Castiel said, putting a hand on Gabriel's shoulder and feeling pleased not to feel any bandages there, "Are you okay? We just walked past a cute guy, and you didn't even bat an eye." 

"Yeah? I missed a cute guy? We can always turn around. I'm down for scoping out a tall drink of water," Gabriel said. 

Castiel said, "I'm serious, Gabriel, are you okay?" 

"I'm as okay as I'm ever going to be," Gabriel said, "I was just thinking about getting home before Dad. Plus, Kali's sister's wedding is this weekend, and it's really hard not to think about it." 

Oh, right. The wedding. Castiel still wasn't sure if it was a good idea for Gabriel to go. It seemed like it was just one big opportunity for him to get hurt. 

"Was the guy really hot? I was being serious about turning around," Gabriel said, grinning. 

"Let's just get to your place," Castiel said, smiling. 

With any luck, they'd get there with Gabriel's dad being asleep or out, and everything would go smoothly. Then, Castiel could go back to worrying about what to do with Balthazar and how in the world he was ever going to find the guts to talk to Dean.


	30. Do You Love Me?

Of course, nothing ever really went smoothly. The only reason Gabriel's dad didn't see him or Castiel was because his pain medication had knocked him out. Because of his dad's bum leg, Gabriel never really knew how late he would stay out. The guy didn't have the same stamina that he usually did now that he was healing from his broken leg. He was less of a threat this way, though.

Getting past his dad with Castiel was the last time things ran smoothly, however. That weekend was Kali's sister's wedding.

And it was the worst.

The ceremony was beautiful. Gabriel slapped a pretty smile on his face and walked Kali down the isle where she was a bridesmaid for her sister. He took his seat and worked extra hard on maintaining his pleasant demeanor. It wasn't all that hard. He would smile and nod, clap when he was supposed to, stand when he was supposed to. It just hurt, because he was all smiles and cheer on the outside, but on the inside, he was dying. The wedding was beautiful, and it made his chest ache. He would never be able to marry someone. He'd never feel like that towards anyone. He saw the way Kali glanced at him with this bright happy smile but with sad, worried eyes.

Kali was the kind of girl you married. She was all fire and excitement, but she was there. She was supportive, she was love in all the ways that mattered. But Gabriel was not the guy you married. Gabriel wasn't the guy anyone ended up with. And watching Kali's sister take the seven steps with her new husband and bind their hands together just served as a painful reminder of that fact. He wished he could be that for somebody. But he was too far gone. And no one seemed to understand that except for him.

The reception was worse. Kali's family had never met Gabriel. And they loved him. Which made everything hurt so much more. Her parents hugged him, her sister kissed his cheek, and after thirty or forty cousins told Gabriel that he'd better take the best care of Kali, he felt like going outside and throwing up.

Luckily, Kali noticed. She took him away from her family and took him to the doorway that led out of the banquet hall. They would've gone outside, but the sky had picked this day to rip open in torrents of rain and lightning. So, they walked outside but stayed close to the door under the overhang.

Unluckily, Kali wanted to talk about it. Gabriel could see it in her eyes, and he knew there was nothing he could do to avoid it.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said quickly, giving her a suave smile.

She shook her head and said, "Don't lie to me, Gabriel. What's going on?"

Gabriel paused for a moment. If he was going to get through this evening, he figured he'd better be honest with her. "Everything in there was a bit overwhelming," he said, "But it's fine. I'm fine."

Kali nodded and said, "I understand. It would've been better if my family knew we weren't together, but going through this wedding alone would have hurt too much. I'm sorry I dragged you into this, but I am glad you're here."

Gabriel took her hand in his and said softly, "I'm sorry I hurt you."

Kali's eyes flashed to Gabriel's face angrily. "Don't you say that to me. Don't you ever say that. You hurt me, but my gods, Gabriel, it wasn't your fault."

"How was my hurting you not my fault, Kali?" he asked, "I could've been there for you. I could've tried harder. I could've-"

"No, Gabriel," she said, "No, you couldn't. And that's okay. You're sick, sweetheart. You need to get some help. But I will never blame you for what happened between us."

Gabriel bristled. "I don't need help," he said shortly, "I know I'm fucked up, but there is no amount of help in world that would do a lick of good for me. I should've known better than to date you. You deserve someone who isn't broken to shit. I'm sorry."

Kali slapped Gabriel across the face. Stunned, Gabriel stared at Kali. She pressed up close to Gabriel and said, "I loved you more than I'd ever loved another person. I will never regret that, and I'll be damned if you regret it either."

Gabriel pressed his lips to Kali's deeply.

She didn't kiss him back.

Kali pushed away from Gabriel and walked out into the pouring rain. Why did he do that? Why was so goddamn stupid all the time.

"Kali, wait!" Gabriel called, following her out into the wet Chicago street.

Kali turned around and shouted, "Leave me alone, Gabriel."

"No, Kali-"

"I loved you!" Kali said, "Why would you just-"

"I don't know. I wasn't thinking. It just-I don't know. I'm sorry."

Kali walked back over to him and said, "Stop being sorry, Gabriel. I just need to know something. Do you love me at all?"

Gabriel froze. He thought there was a time that he'd loved her. But, God, he didn't know what love felt like, not really. He cared about her, but he wasn't sure that he could care that much for anyone. It always felt like his emotions were muted, like he didn't have it in him to love at all. He knew he could care for her, but he couldn't care for himself, not in the way she wanted him to. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but he knew it would just be another lie, another act.

"No," Gabriel said, "Not in the way you wanted me to."

Kali's lips tightened, and she nodded stiffly. "I'm going to go back inside," she said, "I would appreciate it if you came with me, but you don't have to." She turned towards the building and walked through the door.

Gabriel sighed. As much as he wanted to walk home in the rain and slice into his shoulders till he passed out from blood loss, he couldn't leave Kali on her own with her family like that. He said he'd be her pretend date, and he intended to keep his word. He walked back inside after her.

Once inside, he saw that she was over by the open bar. Gabriel couldn't blame her. He wouldn't mind getting a little buzzed himself, but he knew drowning himself in some Rum and Coke wouldn't exactly be helpful to how messed up his head was over all of this. So, he sat down at a table off to the side and watched Kali's family dance.

The music was so loud and fast, it almost kept Gabriel's mind off of how bad he felt. Almost. Kali's family danced and twirled, laughter almost as loud as the music. A few times, Kali's younger cousins would try to get Gabriel to dance with them, but he turned them down. He didn't have the energy to join in the dance.

After about a half hour of watching the merriment of the wedding reception, Kali walked over to where Gabriel sat. He was sure she was going to try to get him to dance. But there wasn't anything but fear in her voice when she said, "Gabriel."

He turned around to face her quickly and asked, "What's going on?"

She looked at him with wide eyes. She said quietly, "I don't know if I'm just suddenly getting sick or if someone put something in my drink, but my head feels like it's splitting in half and everything's spinning and Gabriel, I don't know what's-"

"Hey, hey, sit down," Gabriel said, pulling out a chair.

She shook her head, which only made her groan. "If I sit down, I'm going to pass out. I can't. I just-If my drink is spiked, I need to get out of here," she said.

"Okay," he said, "Just sit down. Where's your drink? I'll figure out what's going on and get you out of here if we need to, okay?"

Kali hesitated but sat anyways. She put her drink on the table and closed her eyes. "Gods, my head. How are you going to figure out if-"

Gabriel took a large sip of her cocktail and looked at Kali.

She said, "Gabriel, you shouldn't have-"

"If I start feeling it, too, we'll know. Now, let's get you out of here before you pass out at your sister's wedding," Gabriel said.

He helped her up and started heading towards the door with her.

They got to the door when Gabriel's head started pounding.

"I should say goodbye to my sister," Kali slurred.

Gabriel said, "You can text her later. We've got to go. My head hurts, too."

Kali looked at Gabriel with wide, scared eyes. "Let's go," she said.

Gabriel opened the door and helped Kali out into the rain.

They left the banquet hall, Gabriel with his arm under Kali's shoulders to keep her steady, and Kali with her head lolling like she was going to collapse any moment.

"Hey, Kali, stay with me," Gabriel said.

Kali mumbled something unintelligible.

"Let's talk, okay. Let's talk and keep you focused. Did you know everyone at the wedding?" he asked.

She said quietly, "No. Just my family."

"Okay, so someone from your new brother-in-law's family could've drugged you. You should really tell your sister about that when you're more coherent."

"Yeh, probable," she managed to say.

"What do you want to talk about?" Gabriel asked, shaking her shoulders a little to keep her awake.

Kali tried to say something, or at least Gabriel thought she did, but her steps faltered. Gabriel moved quickly and caught her before she hit the ground.

"Kali, hey," he said, lightly clapping a hand to her face to try to wake her up. But it didn't work. She was out like a light.

He felt for a pulse, and thank God, her heartbeat was steady and easy to find. It made sense that whoever drugged her probably didn't want to kill her, and honestly, that made Gabriel feel better about his own chances.

His eyes started feeling heavy as he scooped his ex-girlfriend off the ground and carried her in his arms down the dark street in the ever steady rain. The pounding of the rain on his back and the pounding of his head were starting to get all mixed up in Gabriel's mind.

They were nearly ten blocks away from Gabriel's place, but they were only a block away from Kali's apartment.

Kali's it was.

Gabriel walked as fast as he could without dropping the sleeping woman in his arms. The streetlights started blurring as his vision swam. But he had to make it. He had to get them home safe.

Once they got to Kali's apartment, Gabriel sat Kali down on the steps to her building. He quickly grabbed her purse and searched for her keys. Where the hell were they? She didn't have that much stuff in her purse, and the keys were very clearly not there. Shit.

Gabriel patted Kali's face. "Kali, wake up," he said.

She groaned, and Gabriel breathed a large sigh of relief.

"Gabriel?" she asked, confused.

"Where are your keys?" he asked.

She looked around, blinking her eyes, before she leaned back holding a hand to her head.

"Yes, I know, it hurts. Keys?" Gabriel said.

Kali said sleepily, "Pocket."

"Your dress has pockets?" Gabriel asked.

Kali groaned again and said, "My head. Fuck."

Gabriel grinned at her. He quickly felt along the sides of her dress, and sure enough, Kali's dress had a pocket by her hip. Awesome.

Gabriel grabbed her keys, unlocked the front door to her building, and helped Kali to her feet.

Kali walked up the stairs with some difficulty, but Gabriel hardly noticed as he struggled not to fall down the stairs himself.

They got into her apartment in a mess of dizzy missteps and painful groans. Gabriel helped Kali lay down on her couch only to lose all consciousness on her floor a moment later.

A loud, annoying noise woke Gabriel in the morning. His felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to it, and the noise most certainly wasn't helping. He couldn't imagine what Kali felt like since she'd probably had more of her drink that he had. Gabriel never wanted to experience a roofie ever again as long as he lived. And that noise was still persisting. Gabriel sat up stiffly. That was when he recognized the noise. It was his ringtone. His phone was ringing. Gabriel reached for his phone and answered without looking at the screen.

"Hello?" he said.

"Gabriel!" Castiel said, "Oh, thank God. I've been trying to call you all morning."

Gabriel looked over at Kali who was still asleep on the couch. "I had a rough night," he said.

"Are you okay?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel blinked a few times, trying to wake himself up while not causing his head anymore pain. He said, "I've been better. But I've definitely been worse. I'll be at the Roadhouse in an hour."

"But, Gabriel-" Castiel started.

Gabriel hung up the phone and looked at Kali. She looked beautiful with her raven hair splayed around her, spilling over the edge of the couch. She still wore her red, bridesmaid's dress from the night before. And Gabriel knew he felt something for her. He felt concern, he wanted to make sure she'd be okay. And he felt a certain adoration for her, but it wasn't love. Not the way she deserved, and definitely not the way he wanted to feel about her. Gabriel truly wished he could love Kali, but honestly, if he ever loved anyone, it would come as a serious shock to him.

Kali stirred a little, opening her eyes to see Gabriel looked at her.

"Good morning," she said softly.

"Morning, sunshine," he said with a tired grin.

She sat up slowly and said, "I remember the wedding and the reception. I remember you kissing me, and I remember feeling horrible and leaving. But how did we get here?"

Gabriel sat next to her on the couch and said, "Somebody at the wedding drugged you."

"Yeah, I remember that," she said.

Gabriel nodded and said, "Then, we walked here. You passed out on the way, and I carried you the rest of the time. You walked up here on your own, though."

Kali was silent for a moment, staring at the floor. She leaned over and hugged Gabriel tightly. "Thank you so much," she said.

"Well, I didn't want anything to happen to you, so what else was I-" Gabriel started.

Kali pulled back and looked at him. "Thank you, Gabriel," she said.

Gabriel nodded and said, "You're welcome."

Kali closed her eyes and asked, "Does your head still hurt?"

"Yeah. Yours?"

"Like the worst hangover of my life," she said with a soft smile.

Gabriel stood up slowly and walked over to the door. "Well, I should probably be going," he said, "Castiel's all worried about me, and I've got to kick Benny's ass in foosball. Y'know, the usual."

Kali got up gingerly and slowly made her way to the door. "I'm sorry about the wedding and the spiked drink," she said.

Gabriel grinned and said, "Well, if I'd had a normal weekend, it would've just been boring.

Kali smiled. "If you ever need anything, anything at all, you call me, okay? I owe you," she said.

Gabriel scoffed and said, "You don't owe me. You were drugged."

"And it could've been a lot worse," Kali said, "I'm going to call my sister and let her know what happened, but seriously, Gabriel, if you ever need a favor, you give me a call."

"Alright, alright. Don't expect me to cash in on that, though," Gabriel said.

Kali smiled and asked, "Friends?"

Gabriel nodded. "Friends," he said.

She gave him a hug, and he walked out the door.

Gabriel didn't think about much on the way to the Roadhouse other than the kind of light feeling he had knowing that Kali was okay and that they were okay with each other. He didn't think about much else, and that became readily apparent when he walked into the Roadhouse in his still damp suit, tie hanging haphazardly, some of Kali's lipstick smeared on his sleeve, and his hair sticking every which way. Benny looked up at Gabriel and dropped his order of nachos, immediately bursting into laughter. Castiel gaped at him from their table, concern all over his face. Jo laughed from behind the bar and said, "Okay, we gotta hear this one."

And Gabriel told them everything. Well, almost everything. Castiel seemed so concerned about the wedding and Kali's family that Gabriel felt it was best to leave out the roofies. Still, he told them everything the edited version of the story contained. And he ate Benny's nachos while doing it.

All in all, it was a good day.


	31. Just as Through With You

"I'm telling you, Cas-" Dean started.

Lisa snapped, "I swear of you say 'Cassie isn't that bad' one more time, I'm gonna scream." She sat up in bed and fixed Dean with a hard stare.

"But she's not that bad."

"Oh my God," Lisa said. She swung herself out of bed, standing up angrily.

"Lisa, seriously," Dean said, catching Lisa's gaze with his, "I'm not asking you to be friends with her. I just want you to meet her. Just once."

"And why would I want to meet your ex, Dean?" Lisa asked, placing her hands on her hips.

Dean didn't know why she was being so difficult. He figured it would be easier for her to stop being so jealous of Cassie if they actually met, and Lisa would see how there was seriously nothing between them other than friendship. "Because we're friends. I've met your friends. Why can't you meet mine?" Dean tried.

"And I'm open to meeting the friends you live with, but your ex, Dean? You slept with her," Lisa said.

"You've slept with other people," Dean said, pointing out the obvious.

Lisa's eyes widened. She asked, "Is that it? You want to sleep with other people?"

Dean got up from Lisa's bed and held Lisa's hands. "No. God, Lisa. No. I love you. I love your son. I love everything we have going here right now. I don't want to-"

Lisa pulled her hands away from Dean. "My son? Not our son? I get it."

God, did she smoke something before he came over? What the hell was going on? Dean said evenly, "Lisa, I pick him up from daycare. I left my class early just to babysit him the other day. But I know I'm not his father, so yeah, your son."

"It wouldn't kill you to think of him as your son," Lisa said, folding her arms across her chest.

Dean had never felt so confused. Where was this all coming from? "Lisa, are you trying to pick a fight right now?" Dean asked, "Honestly, I don't know why you're being like this."

"Why am I being like this? Maybe because you want to hook back up with your ex!" Lisa snapped.

Dean groaned. For the thousandth time, he said, "No, Cassie and I are just friends."

"And there's her name again," Lisa said. She threw her hands up and turned away from Dean, exasperated.

"What, I can't even say her name? We're just friends. We dated. We broke up. We made a promise to stay friends. So, we're friends. That's it, I swear," Dean pressed.

"I'm sorry," Lisa said, turning back to Dean angrily, "I'm sorry that I don't exactly feel comfortable with you wanting to hang out with other women."

Dean asked, "Let me get this straight. You have no issue with me living with two other women, but you're all possessive when I want to hang out with one in a public place? Is that right?"

Lisa snapped, "Did you just call me possessive?"

Dean rolled his eyes.

Lisa walked out of the bedroom and down the hall towards the kitchen.

Dean followed after her. "Wait, Lisa. I didn't mean-"

"What, Dean? What could you have possibly meant?" Lisa asked. Her hands were back on her hips. Shit.

Dean said slowly, "I mean that you seem pretty jealous of Cassie, and I just think if you were to actually meet her that you'd see that-"

"Dean, I am not going to meet your fucking ex-girlfriend!" Lisa shouted.

They both looked down the hall towards Ben's room to see if Lisa's words had woken up the kid. The door to his room didn't open after a moment, so Dean figured he was safe to continue.

But Lisa spoke first. She said, "If you want to go, just leave like you always do."

"Lisa, what the fuck are you talking about?" Dean asked.

Lisa had a moment where her face broke just enough to make Dean think she was going to start crying. But she didn't. Instead, she composed herself and said, "You can just leave like you did last time we got together in high school. You didn't want me then, and you don't want me now."

Dean took three strides and closed the gap between them. How could she possibly think that? He held her face in his hands and locked eyes with her. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, okay? I want this. I want you," he said.

"Get out," Lisa said.

"You don't really want me to leave," Dean said, realizing he really needed to derail this conversation, "I'm too adorable for you to kick out, and you know it."

"Fuck you," Lisa said softly.

"Is that a promise?" Dean asked with a sly smile.

Lisa huffed but returned his grin.

Dean pressed his lips firmly to hers. She melted into the kiss quickly, grabbing his shirt with shaking hands. Dean hoisted Lisa up onto the counter and wrapped his arms around her, pressing deeper between her legs and into her mouth.

Lisa hooked her legs around Dean, making it impossible for him to move anywhere else. Dean's fingers explored her long, dark hair. His tongue slipped into the heat of her mouth as her hands made quick work of pulling his shirt over his head. He slipped his hand under her shirt, cupping one of her breasts. She lightly nipped his lower lip, and God, if that wasn't the hottest thing Dean had ever felt.

Dean moaned against Lisa's lips.

Lisa slowly unbuckled Dean's belt, unzipping his fly, pressing her pelvis against Dean's crotch.

Dean slipped off Lisa's shirt and kissed her beautiful neck.

Lisa dragged her nails down Dean's back.

And Dean knew. He knew he would be perfectly happy doing this for the rest of his life.

Dean carried Lisa to the kitchen island and moved dishes and cutting boards out of the way. He leaned her back, pulling her skirt and underwear down slowly.

"Mom!" Ben cried from his room.

Dean jumped away from Lisa, fumbling with his pants while Lisa pulled her skirt back on and quickly threw her shirt on.

The sound of Ben's door opening made Dean look up at Lisa.

"Go," she whispered.

Dean kissed her hard on the lips and slipped out of the kitchen just as Ben walked in.

"I had a bad dream," Ben said shakily.

Dean waited until he heard Lisa walk Ben out of the kitchen to sneak back in and grab his shirt from the kitchen counter.

Quietly, he left Lisa's house and tried to make sense of everything. They hadn't exactly solved the issue Lisa had with Cassie, but the making out was still really nice.

Dean walked back to his apartment with more questions than he had originally left with.


	32. Heat of the Moment

"What?!" Sam gasped. He couldn't have heard Luci right. He couldn't have. It just wasn't possible.

Luci slid down Sam's bare chest and kissed his sternum. He kissed his chest, his collar bone, his neck. He whispered roughly in Sam's ear, "I said we should have sex."

That's what Sam thought he'd said.

Luci pulled back and met Sam's gaze.

Sam swallowed nervously. He nodded and said, "Okay."

Luci grinned impishly, slowly pulling Sam's boxers down. Sam's brain was having the worst time functioning. Sex? With Luci? How? Luci would never allow for vaginal penetration. He would never let Sam even think about it. There was anal, but that would still require Luci to lose his boxers. And Luci never lost his boxers. Never.

Once Sam was naked, Luci put his fingers in the waistband of his own boxers. He looked at Sam and said, "If you laugh, I will end you, Winchester."

Sam placed his hands over Luci's. He said, "I'll never laugh at you. May I?"

Luci moved his hands and nodded once to let Sam slide his boxers down his legs. Sam fought the urge to move his gaze downward. He knew how he had to handle this situation. He kissed Luci, deep and full on the mouth, as he moved his hands from Luci's sides down to his hips.

Luci broke the kiss and watched Sam intently. Sam never moved his gaze from Luci's eyes. He slid his hands over Luci's hip bones and down his thighs, over the backs of his legs and up over his ass. He let his hands explore the areas of skin that were always barred to him before, taking extra care not to go near Luci's crotch and not to break eye contact.

"I love you," Sam said softly.

Luci opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. It looked like he was on the verge of tears.

Sam kept rubbing his hands gently over Luci's hips and said, "We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

Luci shook his head. He said, "I want to."

Sam kissed Luci's neck and asked gently, "How do you want to do this?"

Luci said, "Sam, pretend I'm a guy."

"You are a guy," Sam said.

Luci smiled at Sam. "Pretend I have male anatomy," he said.

"So, anal?" Sam asked.

Luci nodded. "Lube?" he asked.

Sam slid his hands away from Luci's body and reached under his bed. He hoped Luci wouldn't judge him too hard for having a bottle of lube at the ready right under his bed. There really wasn't a good excuse for it being there other than wishful thinking.

Sam opened the bottle and lubed up his left hand. He looked up at Luci and asked, "Could you, uh, maybe lay down? I think it would be easier and-"

"Right," Luci said distractedly, "Right, I'll just-"

Luci plopped next to Sam, and Sam propped himself up with one arm.

"You're really sure about this," Sam pressed.

Luci gave Sam a strong look, and honestly, Sam didn't need to be told twice. He got up, sitting between Luci's legs, and dared to look down. He quickly looked back up to lock eyes with Luci just to reassure him that everything was okay. But, wow, were Sam's eyes drawn downward. Sam had never really felt partial to female anatomy, but Luci was downright gorgeous. The mass of dark curls laying there seemed so foreign but so intriguing and Sam really needed to focus on the task at hand. The last thing he wanted was for Luci to start feeling uncomfortable.

Sam slowly pressed a finger against Luci's lower entrance.

Luci gasped slightly but didn't protest.

Slowly, Sam pressed into the warmth of his boyfriend. It was warm and wet and Sam tried desperately not to think about what sort of grossness he was touching. He slid his finger in and out, trying to get Luci used to the intrusion.

Luci didn't make a sound. He just shut his eyes.

Sam wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Gently, he eased a second finger in alongside the first.

There was still no reaction from Luci. Maybe if he started stretching him a little-

"I can't do this," Luci said shakily.

Sam removed his fingers in a split second. "It's okay," he said, "We don't have to-"

Luci looked at Sam with sad, angry eyes. "But I want to. I want to have sex with you. I just-I hate this so much. I still feel like a fucking girl," he said.

Sam didn't know what to say. Guys did this kind of stuff all the time. If Luci had a penis, then maybe Sam would know how to fix this, but it wasn't like Luci could penetrate him with female anatomy. Of course, Sam didn't say any of this out loud. He just wanted to-wait. Sam had a brilliant idea.

Sam said, "Here." He lay down next to Luci and pulled Luci on top of him. He spread his legs to situate Luci between them.

Luci asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fuck me," Sam said. And God, he felt like an idiot as the words came out. But how else could he possibly say it?

"What?" Luci asked, "Sam, I can't exactly-"

"Luci, you have hands. If you want me, you can have me," Sam said softly.

Luci grinned widely. He kissed Sam full and deep on the lips, carding his fingers through Sam's hair.

"I want you," Luci said, "Hell, Sam, I need you." He lubed his fingers quickly and took no time in pressing a finger into Sam.

Sam inhaled sharply as one of Luci's finger nails scratched along the sensitive skin of his entrance.

Luci pushed in deeper, harder. It was the weirdest sensation that Sam had ever experienced. It felt good, intimate even, but it felt like something was missing. And Sam just couldn't put his finger on it.

Luci added a second finger roughly, making Sam gasp. He tried to quickly relax and adjust, but Luci started pumping his fingers in and out of him and there was just no time to get used to anything.

Sam didn't want to say anything, he didn't want to make Luci feel uncomfortable, but he knew if he didn't say something, Luci wouldn't stop.

But then Luci's fingers delved deeper.

And everything was stars and fireworks and fire flooding through his veins.

The world exploded into moans and arching backs, fiery kisses and scorching fingers.

"God, Luci, do that again," Sam said, panting.

Luci grinned wickedly and slammed his fingers into Sam's prostate again.

The pain gave way to the most intense pleasure, and Sam was sure he was going come any second. His hand reached down for his cock on its own.

"Don't," Luci said.

Sam paused, looking at Luci confused.

Luci gripped Sam's penis tightly and moved his hand along the shaft in time with his fingers working so diligently further down.

Sam's breath caught. His head fell back. It didn't matter that Luci's grip was too tight. It didn't matter that his fingers were too rough. It was pain that Sam could deal with another time. There was pleasure behind the pain, and as Luci struck Sam's prostate again, the pleasure was all too easy to find.

An hour later, after cum was cleaned up and kisses and bruises were given readily, Luci pulled his jeans on over his boxers. Sam dragged his shirt over his head lazily. Luci put on his shirt and jacket while haphazardly looking for his boots. Sam stifled a laugh at how Luci's hair stood up in odd angles. Luci found his boots and tugged them on while smiling warmly at Sam. Sam pulled on pajama pants and walked over to his bedroom door.

They walked to the front door together. Sam tried not to look over at Dean, who was sitting on the couch. He tried not to think about how close the couch was to his bedroom door and how Dean could probably have heard everything. He really tried to not think about that and tried to focus on how gorgeous Luci looked.

Luci kissed Sam slowly before saying, "I'll see you tomorrow."

Sam smiled and said, "See you later."

Luci leaned in close to Sam and whispered in his ear, "Maybe I'll bring a strap-on next time."

Sam could feel how red his face got. He could feel the blush all the way from ear to ear. He prayed Dean didn't notice. He wondered if Luci was being serious. He hoped Luci was being serious.

Luci chuckled at Sam's blush and walked out the door.

Sam closed the door, turned around, and headed for his room. Before he could safely pass the couch, something cold, shiny, and plastic hit him in the chest.

"What the-" Sam started. Condoms. Dean threw a bunch of condoms at him. What the fuck.

"Dean-"

"Don't start. Just be happy you didn't have pay for them yourself," Dean said.

"I still have the box you gave me months ago," Sam said, confused.

Dean laughed and said, "Well, now that you guys are actually doing the do, I'm sure you'll need the extras."

Oh, God, he'd heard everything.

Sam rolled his eyes and plopped down next to Dean on the couch. Of course, that only lasted for about half a second before Sam shot back onto his feet, pain searing through his backside. He tried to control his reaction, but he knew the discomfort was clear on his face.

Dean looked at Sam for a moment before he burst out laughing.

Sam walked to his room where he fully intended to die of embarrassment. He plopped on his bed only to be met with the same excruciating pain radiating from his ass up his back and down his legs. This was new. He flipped onto his front only to find that his dick also ached with soreness and pain. He quickly turned on his side, hissing in pain. Sam hadn't realized that Luci had been that rough with him.

He lay in his bed on his side, partially afraid to move, partially glad he found a comfortable position. This was the worst. But also kind of the best.

Sam just hoped that no one would come in and ask him to get up.


	33. Black Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Nana-batman and Zanna for their incredibly supportive comments that got me motivated enough to start writing again. Love you guys! 
> 
> I am SO, SO, SO sorry that it took this long to get back to this fic. My life got insane. I switched jobs twice, my cat died, I got engaged, LOTS OF THINGS HAPPENED!! Anyways, I'm also working on some original fiction, so I have no idea how often this will update, but I'm aiming for one chapter a week. I love everyone who has supported this fic in my absence, and I love everyone who has left me encouraging comments since this fic went on hiatus. Thank you all so much! 
> 
> Without further ado, here's the new chapter! Enjoy =]

Castiel walked into the Roadhouse and stopped dead. Balthazar stilled where he stood, hovering near the foosball tables. Benny was locked in combat with Jo, both completely focused on the game at hand. Only Gabriel seemed to notice the tension that had so suddenly filled the space. He looked between Castiel and Balth before deciding that watching the game was a better use of his attention.

It had been a week and a half since Balth and Castiel last talked and almost kissed.

Balthazar moved first. He headed towards Castiel. Castiel whirled around, wanting nothing to do with a conversation with Balthazar, and nearly took someone's shoulder to the face.

"Hey, watch it," Dean Winchester snapped.

This had to be a nightmare. It just had to. Castiel stepped out of the way quickly, but Dean didn't even spare him a moment's glance.

"Cassie, I just-" Balthazar started.

Castiel darted outside. All he'd wanted to do was see if he could bunk with Gabriel since Benny had a girl coming over that night. He hadn't been prepared for any of this. He wasn't ready to talk to Balth. He would never be emotionally ready to physically walk into Dean. Barely a minute in the Roadhouse, and Castiel's head was spinning.

His breath came out in a deep sigh. He shoved his hands in his pockets. It was cold out for it being May. Castiel hoped it would warm up soon. Maybe if it were warmer, he wouldn't feel so desperate for a place to stay for the night. It felt like rain.

"Castiel," Balthazar said, "Wait. Please."

Castiel turned towards his friend. He said, "I can't date you, Balth. I can't. You might be right that having feelings for Dean is a bad idea, but I can't help how I feel, and that wouldn't be fair to you, but I really want to be friends with you, and-"

"I'm sorry, Cassie," Balthazar interrupted.

Castiel met Balthazar's gaze.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried to kiss you. I wasn't thinking," Balthazar said, "And I'm glad you still want to be friends. I want to be friends. Just friends. I wasn't exactly angling for a relationship with you, I'm not boyfriend material. I just wanted to kiss you, 'cause, well, you're hot, Cassie."

Castiel dropped his gaze to his shoes. This was not something Castiel was used to hearing by any means.

Balthazar continued, "And I'm not trying to come onto you. It's just a fact that you're gorgeous. Kissing you seems like a lot of fun, but not if kissing you makes you uncomfortable."

Castiel looked back up at Balth. Maybe he wouldn't lose his friend after all.

"I may not recognize many boundaries, but I do have the ones that count," Balthazar said with a grin.

Castiel smiled. "Friends?" he asked.

Balth nodded and added, "With benefits?"

Castiel rolled his eyes, taking a few steps away from the Roadhouse.

"I'm kidding!" Balthazar said quickly, "Just kidding. Sorry. That was too soon. I apologize. Just friends, I promise."

Castiel stopped and gave Balth an exasperated grin.

Balthazar smiled widely, realizing he was forgiven. "C'mon," he said, swinging an arm around Castiel's shoulders, "Let's go watch Benny get his ass handed to him."

"You think Jo's gonna win?" Castiel asked.

"Not really. Just being hopeful. Benny sort of goaded me into betting against him."

Castiel laughed at Balth's stupidity, and to his credit, he didn't even look to see where Dean was sitting.

Gabriel grinned when he saw Balthazar and Castiel walk in together. It made Castiel almost forget that Dean was in the Roadhouse at all.

By the time Benny had to leave, Castiel had completely forgotten the awkwardness of the day.

And as Balthazar and Castiel approached Balth's dorm hall, Castiel had never asked Gabriel if he could stay the night.

"Shit," Castiel breathed.

Balthazar faced his friend, concerned. "What's up?" he asked.

"I don't have anywhere to stay tonight," Castiel said quietly.

Balthazar's face fell. "Oh, fuck. I'd offer to help you out, but we're having a floor inspection tonight. Everything's on lock down with how big the stick up our RA's ass is. Benny can't help?"

"He's got a date, remember?"

"Right, right. There's gotta be something we can-"

"It's okay," Castiel said, "I'll call Gabriel. It'll be fine. Don't worry."

"You sure?" Balthazar asked.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Have a good night," Castiel said, pulling out his phone. He clicked Gabriel's contact info.

Balthazar said, "Goodnight, Cassie. See you tomorrow."

Castiel called Gabriel and put the phone to his ear. He walked away from Balthazar's building as his friend went inside.

The line rang for ages. Castiel put his free hand in his trench coat pocket. It wasn't nearly as cold as it could get in Chicago, but the wind was brisk and the lack of sun wasn't helping.

The line kept ringing. Castiel walked past University Hall when he finally got Gabriel's voicemail.

"Hi, it's me," Castiel said at the tone, "I'm, uh, I kinda need help. A place to stay. And it's kind of cold out. I just, um, I don't have anywhere to go, and I...yeah, so if you could call me back, that'd be, umm, yeah."

Castiel hung up. Asking for help had never been his strong suit, and leaving messages even less so. He hoped Gabriel got the message. He tried calling again but again got voicemail. He sighed heavily.

It started raining.

Castiel hated that this had become his life. He walked over to the campus library to get out of the rain. Even though most classes had ended for the Spring semester, the library was still open for grad students and the students that wanted to get a head start on Summer term classes. It was a good a refuge as any as the rain fell faster and harder.

The security guard looked up as Castiel walked in. "Library closes in 30 minutes," she said.

Castiel nodded and said, "I'll be quick." He walked inside and called Gabriel again. No answer again.

Castiel sighed and pocketed his phone. He had 29 minutes to figure something out. He wished he knew Dean. Maybe he'd let Castiel stay in his dorm or apartment or whatever his living arrangement was. Castiel climbed the stairwell towards the archives. He didn't have the time to look at any of the letters or news clippings kept there, but the quiet of the fourth floor was always a comfort. He'd given up the hope that his dad might call, he'd given up on his dad completely, but here among the rows of books, it didn't sting so much.

And that decided it. Castiel headed towards the far wall through rows upon rows of bookshelves. Nestled in the very back corner was a desk with three wooden walls for uninterrupted study. He'd sleep there for the night and leave in the morning after the library reopened.

It was a terrible plan.

Castiel called Gabriel again. After getting the voicemail yet again, Castiel started to worry about his friend. He hoped nothing bad was happening.

He pushed his worries to the side and concentrated on the very likely reality of sleeping in the library. Castiel slipped off his trench coat, rolled it up into a neat ball and placed it on the desk. Quietly, he sat at the desk, dropping his head onto his makeshift pillow. It wasn't the most comfortable thing ever, but it beat being stuck outside.

Castiel wasn't very tired yet, though.

He got up and wandered among the rows of books for a interesting read. Spanish History. Mesopotamian Politics. Letters from the French Revolution. History of Economics. He finally found a small book tucked in the corner that looked enticing, "The Tale of Cupid and Psyche."

Castiel cracked open the cover of the thin book. It was written in Latin. Of course it was. He sighed and took the book with him to his sleeping spot. Might as well see how much of it he could actually read.

Once he sat back down at the desk, the lights dimmed. The library had probably closed.

He opened the book to see if he could read in the low lighting, but the sound of footsteps sent Castiel's heart hammering in his chest. He got up quickly, grabbing his coat, and listened for the footsteps. They were coming closer. Castiel walked lightly, softly, careful to not make a single sound. If he was found, they might figure out he was homeless. They'd expel him for trespassing or not having a valid address. All of this would be for nothing.

Castiel tried not to panic as he quietly made his way to the closest stairwell. He eased open the door leading to the stairs slowly, silently begging the hinges not to squeak.

Carefully, he slipped through the door, closing it as quietly as possible behind him. The moment the stairwell door was shut, Castiel crept down the stairs to the third floor. Hopefully, the footsteps were just the janitor, and Castiel could avoid him.

The door to the third floor was locked. He continued to the second floor. Also locked. Maybe he could just move quietly around the fourth floor until whoever it was left.

Castiel headed back up to the fourth floor. When he reached the door, Castiel froze. Footsteps and light whistling approached the stairwell. This was it. This was how Castiel would get caught and kicked out of school.

He looked around and immediately ran to the wall. There was a metal ladder welded to it that led to the roof. Of course the bottom wrung was about five feet off the ground. He grabbed the bottom of the ladder and pulled himself up, climbing quickly. When he reached the top, he pressed against the access hatch, but it wouldn't budge. The door beneath him opened.

Castiel's breath caught. He clutched his rolled up trench coat tightly. He'd been right; the footsteps belonged to the janitor. The janitor walked right under Castiel, whistling a tune and being none the wiser. Castiel didn't dare move until he heard the door open and close on the first floor. Then and only then, he climbed down from the roof access hatch. His racing heart made him promise himself that he would never spend the night in the library again.

The quiet was deafening as Castiel moved towards the door to the fourth floor. Luck was on his side for a change; the door hadn't closed all the way, he wasn't locked in the stairwell. He walked back onto the fourth floor to find himself smothered in darkness.

The lights were all out, and Castiel couldn't see a thing. He blindly made his way forward until he walked into a table.

Quietly, Castiel curled up under the table, using his trench coat as both pillow and blanket. He had never felt so alone. He wished his father hadn't disappeared. He wished one of his friends could help him. He wished he could summon the strength to talk to Dean Winchester. He wished more than anything that this wasn't his life. There in the darkness of the empty library, the rain on the roof and his soft sobs were the only sounds.

In the morning, the library opened. The janitor turned on the lights and unlocked the doors and bathrooms. He didn't notice Castiel hiding under the table. The night had been the worst of his life. He could barely sleep due to the constant anxiety of being found. But as a few students began milling around, he knew he'd gotten through it. His life may suck, but at least he hadn't gotten caught. Maybe this had been karma; things with Balthazar had gotten smoothed over easily, so the universe had to balance it out with a hellish night. It was a theory anyway.

Castiel slid out from under the table, put his trench coat on, and began his day with the promise of stiff muscles and tired eyes. Once he got outside, he stretched. His back popped in several places.

Castiel sighed. "Today will be better," he muttered to himself, "Today has got to be better."


	34. Carry On My Wayward Son

Gabriel left the Roadhouse early enough to make it home by sundown. He would've stayed longer, but after Benny left, Jo went back to working the bar, Balthazar and Castiel were wrapped up in being friends again, and there really wasn't a point for Gabriel to stay. So, he went home.

Things were very odd at home. Ever since his dad broke his leg, his dad had been home. He wasn't able to come after them as much, which made being at home a bit easier, but at the same time, it meant their dad was around more. What damage Gabriel's father couldn't inflict with physical violence, he made up for with words and gestures.

Gabriel sighed as he climbed the steps to the upstairs flat.

The second he walked inside, his father said, "You're late."

"I don't have a curfew," Gabriel said, heading to the kitchen.

"You missed dinner," his dad called, "I'd say that's late."

Gabriel rolled his eyes while he grabbed a plate of spaghetti. "It's still light out," he said, taking his dinner into the living room where his dad sat in front of the TV, "And I still don't have a curfew."

Gabriel's father gave him an irritated look but dropped the issue. "Where are your brothers?" his dad grumbled.

Gabriel sat down on the couch. He ate a forkful of spaghetti and looked at the TV. Fox News. Great.

"Answer me," his dad said.

Gabriel held back a frustrated sigh. All he wanted to do was eat dinner. "Hiding, probably," he said around a mouthful of spaghetti.

Gabriel's dad looked over at him. "Hiding, huh? And why aren't you hiding from your mean old dad?" he asked.

Gabriel gestured to his spaghetti and said, "I don't want ants in my room."

His dad nodded, allowing a silence to fall between them aside from the consistent blabbering coming from the news anchor.

"Michael! Raphael!" Dad shouted.

Gabriel flinched at the sudden volume increase, almost losing some of his spaghetti in the process. He prayed that his brothers would have the good sense not to listen. Whatever their dad was calling them for couldn't possibly be good.

Michael and Raphael emerged and slowly approached their father's chair. Gabriel fought the urge to hide his face in the couch. What kind of idiots were they? Sure, their dad had gotten his cast off, but he mostly just hobbled around. He certainly wasn't a serious threat yet. Michael and Raphael had been safe in their rooms.

"Join us, boys," Dad said, "It's about time we all sat down together as a family."

Michael looked at Gabriel for some kind of explanation.

Gabriel gave him a silent your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine look.

Raphael watched his brothers, waiting for a cue.

Their dad snapped. "Sit. Now. It shouldn't take an act of congress for you to just listen. Christ," he said.

Michael and Raphael hurried onto the couch sitting on either side of Gabriel. Gabriel quickly took another bite of spaghetti. This could not lead anywhere good, and he wanted to finish a meal before it was too late.

Dad said, "There. Was that so hard? Now we're all together, watching TV like a normal family."

Fox News led into a story about the new movement to legalize marriage equality in Illinois. The room was so tense, Gabriel could feel Michael's breathing through the couch. Raphael was as still as a statue.

Their dad, however, grabbed the remote roughly. "What are those damn hippies doing now?" he muttered, raising the volume.

The news anchor reported, "Several petitions have been floating around Springfield this week, trying to gain the attention and support of state officials. The aim is to make gay marriage legal in Illinois. Many Illinois voters have concerns about this."

"You're damn right they have concerns," their dad said to the TV, "We can't just let this state go to Hell. Normal people live here, too."

Michael stiffened next to Gabriel. He wasn't sure if it was his dad's voice or the things his dad was saying that made Michael tense up so much. Gabriel had had a theory going about Michael and Adam being a bit more than just friends. But that had been a theory and nothing else.

"You boys know that the gays are all gonna burn in Hell, right? I know we're not a very religious family, but that's one thing I know for sure," Dad said.

Michael clenched his fist on the couch. Gabriel started to worry that his theory had more to it than he thought, or at the very least, Michael had something going on that he hadn't told Gabriel anything about.

"Illinois Republicans are standing firm against these petitions in order to protect the interests and morals of this wonderful state," the news anchor continued.

"Good," their dad said, "About time politicians actually did something worth while. Gotta keep those perverts from ruining everything."

Michael shook slightly as if he were going to either scream or pass out on the spot. Dad didn't seem to notice, but Gabriel did. Gabriel glanced at Raphael. His little brother's eyes were glued to the floor, staring at his feet.

Gabriel took one last bite of spaghetti. So much for finishing a meal. He'd only gotten through a little over half of it.

When Gabriel swallowed, he spoke clearly. "Dad, shut the fuck up," he said.

His dad's stare snapped to Gabriel's face. "What did you just-"

"I said shut the fuck up. There's nothing wrong with being gay. There's nothing wrong with wanting to marry the person you love. But there is everything wrong with spewing hatred in front of your kids who are too scared of you to say anything," Gabriel said.

"How dare you-"

"No, how dare you," Gabriel interrupted, "How dare you say those things. Not that it matters to you, but I'm bisexual, Dad. I might even marry a guy one day. While I may be going to Hell, it's not because of that. The only reason I'd end up in Hell is for putting up with you as a father."

Gabriel's dad took a breath, staring at Gabriel with angry incredulity. "You vile, disgusting cretin. You're not my son," he spat.

Gabriel got up with his plate. "If only that were true, Dad. If only," he said. He didn't have the strength to look at his brothers. He walked towards the kitchen to clean off his plate when something whizzed past his face. His father's plate smashed against the wall in front of him.

Gabriel turned towards his father slowly. "You really want to do this, old man?" he asked angrily, "You can barely walk with that bum leg, and you want to start shit with me?"

His dad stood up from his chair, taking a couple of unsure steps towards him. "Michael, hold him for me," he said.

Gabriel froze and looked at Michael.

Michael got up from the couch but said, "Dad, please. You're blowing this way out of-"

"Do as I say, Michael. Hold him still."

Michael's protest died, and he crossed the room towards Gabriel.

"Michael, don't," Gabriel said, "You don't have to listen to him."

"Yes, I do," his brother replied.

Gabriel dropped his plate on the ground and ran for his room, Michael close behind him. He'd just reached his doorknob when Michael tackled him.

"For what it's worth," Michael said, picking Gabriel up off the ground, restraining his arms behind him, "I'm sorry."

Gabriel struggled against Michael's grasp. "If you do this, you're dead to me," he said.

Michael didn't even hesitate before hauling him over to his father. Gabriel's so called brother wrapped his arms around Gabriel's and grabbed his wrists, crossing them behind Gabriel's back.

Their father leaned within inches of Gabriel's face. "For what you just said to me, you deserve every bit of this," he said.

A reply was on the tip of Gabriel's tongue when the first blow knocked the air from his lungs. His father punched away at Gabriel. First, the chest, then the jaw, then the solar plexus.

Blow after blow eating away at whatever fight Gabriel still had left in him.

Michael never let go.

He felt everything. He felt each blow, the pain blooming from each new bruise. Gabriel felt it when two of his ribs cracked. He screamed from the pain of it.

What was the point? Michael would rather obey his father like a good little soldier than spare Gabriel this beating. Raphael had disappeared like he always did. Why had he stayed and protected his brothers all this time? It was painfully clear that the sense of loyalty he had towards his brothers was not returned.

His father landed another punch to the chest, jostling his broken ribs. Gabriel's vision grew fuzzy around the edges. He didn't care if he was being selfish anymore. He just wanted it to be over.

Gabriel threw himself backwards, knocking Michael into the wall hard. He spun around in Michael's weakened grasp and kneed his brother in the groin. Facing his father again, Gabriel punched him across the face. Breathing hurt so much, talking was almost beyond him. He made his way to the door.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" his dad hollered.

Gabriel said, "I'm going to the lower flat. I'll stay down there from now on." The pain strangled his voice, but he didn't care.

His father glared at him. "And take that space from potential renters? I don't think so."

Gabriel said evenly, "You'll be renting the space to me. I'll pay you with my silence. I could be going to Child Services. I could be going to the cops. Instead, I'm just going downstairs, and if you're wise, you'll leave me the hell alone for good." He looked over at Michael and grimaced, his brother was still doubled over on the floor. "That goes for you, too," he said.

Gabriel quickly left and went down the stairs as fast as he could manage without crying out in pain.

Once he got through the door, whatever strength he had left him. He crumpled to the floor. He was used to hating his father, but the hot, angry tears that fell were directed towards Michael, and that was something completely new. Sure, they'd never been exactly close, but they'd never turned on each other like that either. Gabriel had no one. No brothers. No parents. No one. He wished one of his broken ribs would just puncture a lung, so it would all be over and done with.

But he did have Castiel. And Castiel would be very upset to hear Gabriel thinking like that. Castiel would probably be proud of what Gabriel just did. Even though it made Gabriel feel like absolute shit, leaving his family like he did was one of the first good things he'd done for himself in a long, long time.

Gabriel reached for his phone in his pocket to call Castiel, but it wasn't there. It must've fallen out when Michael tackled him. Gabriel sighed, wincing at how much the deep breath hurt. He couldn't go back up there. Not now. He didn't have it in him.

Later, he would get up and assess and treat his injuries. Later, he'd retrieve his phone and his stuff from his room. But for right now, just for a little while, it was all Gabriel could do to just lay there and keep breathing.


	35. If It Ain't Easy

Smooth, sleek steel, perfectly aligned rubber and metal. The pure shine of new paint. Leather upholstery. Perfection. The newly remodeled, refurbished, rebuilt, sexy 1967 Chevy Impala thundered down the streets of Chicago.

Dean had never felt so proud, so free.

He ran his hands down her steering wheel just as "Ready for Love" came on the radio.

Benny had doubted him, Rufus had wanted to scrap her, but here she was, Dean's baby, handling like a dream. He almost felt like ditching Lisa and Ben and just driving around in his beautiful car till the sun came up.

But he didn't.

He parked down the block from Lisa's, locked his baby, and walked up to Lisa's front door.

Ben ran up to Dean immediately, hugging his leg. A warm smile pulled at Dean's lips. His smile faded when he locked eyes with Lisa. She had that look, that far too serious look she got when a fight was going to start.

Dean forced a smile back on his face as he looked down at Ben. "You gonna stop me from coming in, big guy?" he asked.

Ben shook his head but didn't let go of Dean's leg. Dean chuckled and walked inside with the kid still attached to him, making Ben giggle uncontrollably.

Dean reached up a hand to touch Lisa's arm, but she side stepped him. Great. He was really in for it. And he hadn't the slightest idea why. Awesome.

Dean dragged Ben into the living room. Ben plopped down to sit on Dean's foot, still wrapped around his leg and laughing all the while. Dean reached down, freeing his leg from Ben's grasp, and pretended to tackle Ben to the ground. Ben screamed happily. When Dean started tickling him, the screams only got louder and happier.

Lisa said, "Dean, don't rile him up like that. It's past his bedtime."

Dean paused. It was late. He'd been at work longer than he'd planned.

"She's right, kid," Dean said, hauling Ben up and over his shoulder, "Time for bed."

Ben squealed as Dean carried him out of the room.

Dean heard Lisa sigh behind him, and something cold, tense, and sour churned in his stomach. He kept a smile plastered on as he plopped Ben onto his bed. Lisa walked in to tuck in her son, and Dean left the room quietly.

The house was silent, everything seemed soft and still. As he made his way back to the living room, not a sound was heard. It did nothing to soothe his anxiety. He didn't want to fight with Lisa. He really, really, didn't. But he knew it was coming.

Lisa stepped into the room with all the foreboding of a darkening sky. "You could've called if you knew you'd be this late," she said.

Dean turned away from the couch to face her. "Actually," he said, "I'm late because we were so busy that I couldn't get away to call even if I wanted to."

"So, you couldn't have called when you left?"

"It takes ten minutes to get here. What would be the point?"

"That's ten minutes that Ben could've been in bed."

Dean chuckled lightly trying to break the tension. "Y'know, you didn't have to let him stay up," he said.

Lisa snapped, "Oh, so this is my fault now?"

Dean sighed. He said, "I don't think it's anyone's fault. Ben stayed up a little later than usual. What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that Ben stayed up waiting for you, and you weren't here for him until it was obscenely late," she said.

"Obscenely late? Lisa, it's nine o'clock."

"That's late for a five year old, Dean."

"Again, you could've put him to bed anytime you wanted."

Lisa let out a frustrated sigh. "Why'd you even come over tonight?" she asked angrily.

Dean said, "I figured being here late was better than not being here at all, but if you want me to go, I'll go."

"No!" Ben screamed as he ran past his mom and hugged Dean.

"Ben," Lisa started.

Ben looked up at Dean and said, "Daddy, don't leave."

Dean froze.

Ben released Dean abruptly and ran back to his room crying.

Dean barely even noticed. All he could see was John Winchester walking out of a motel door, leaving him and Sam behind.

Daddy, don't leave. Those words had escaped Dean's mouth so many times. They kept echoing around his head in Dean's voice, not Ben's.

When he was four, holding a baby Sam in his arms, watching his dad run back into their burning house.

Daddy, don't leave.

When he was six, being told not to open the motel door for anyone, watching John load his gun before leaving for the night.

Daddy, don't leave.

"Dean."

John's hands tightening on the steering wheel, the creak of cold leather in the silent car.

"Dean."

John's flimsy smile, the gun in his hand.

Daddy, don't.

"Dean!" Lisa snapped.

Dean took a deep, shaky breath.

"You need to talk to him," Lisa said.

Dean said softly, "I need a minute." He put a hand on the arm of the couch to keep the world from spinning for a moment. His head was pounding. Don't leave. Don't leave. Don't leave.

"No, you need to get in there and talk to him now," Lisa said sharply.

Dean wanted to argue with her, to tell her he just needed a goddamn minute. He wanted to tell her to back off. But he had no more fight left in him. And if his chest got any tighter, he'd break.

And it was Ben.

Dean shot Lisa a weary look as he went to Ben's room. The hallway seemed long and full of echoes of Dean's father. Keep an eye on Sammy. Do as you're told.

Dean shook his head. He needed to keep it together.

He knocked on Ben's door. Ben didn't answer.

Dean slowly opened the door to see Ben curled up on his bed facing away from the door. "Hey, kid," he said softly.

Ben sniffled and said, "Don't call me kid."

"Ben, listen," Dean said, "Can we talk for a minute?" Dean's head ached and his breathing felt ragged and uneven. More than that, he felt horribly fragile and hollow. But this was a conversation that needed to be had.

Ben didn't reply.

Dean sighed and said, "Okay, I'm just gonna talk, and we'll see how it goes, alright?"

Still no reply.

Dean sat down on the edge of Ben's bed. "You know I'm not your dad. I'm just your mom's friend," he started.

"That's a lie," Ben said.

Dean paused. "What?" he asked.

Ben rolled over to face Dean with tear-stained cheeks. He huffed and said, "I saw you and Mommy kissing."

"Oh," Dean said, wondering if Lisa knew about that, "Well, yeah, we do that sometimes, but that doesn't make me your dad."

"I know," Ben said sadly, "I didn't mean to call you that."

Dean said, "Oh, okay. Well, good. I'm glad we've got that straightened out. But why are you so upset?"

Ben said, "You and Mommy were fighting and I heard you say you'd leave and I was scared that-that-that you might leave forever." He sat up quickly and hugged Dean.

Dean hugged Ben back and said, "I'm not going anywhere. I love you and your mom. I'd never just leave."

Ben let go and looked at Dean. "Really?" he asked.

"Of course," Dean said, "I might not be your dad, but I'll always be here for you."

Ben smiled and rubbed at his eyes.

Dean lifted up Ben's blanket, so he could get back into bed. "I'm going to head home, but I'll be back tomorrow and spend the whole day with you, okay?" he said.

Ben nodded, still smiling.

"You want your mom to read to you before you fall asleep?" Dean asked.

Ben nodded quickly.

Dean grinned and said, "You got it." He patted the bed and went to go find Lisa.

Lisa was right outside the door.

"Ben would like a story," Dean reported dutifully.

Lisa nodded and asked softly, "Did you fix it?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah, he was afraid that we were going to break up, because we were fighting," he said.

"Break up? He doesn't know we're together," Lisa said.

"Yes, he does," Dean said, "He just told me he caught us making out. But honestly, I think he's cool with it."

Lisa sighed but smiled. It was the sort of smile that made Dean think that dealing with all the fighting was worth it. But with how broken he felt even after his anxiety and panic subsided, he knew things were really fucked between them. He just hoped he could make it work with Lisa for Ben's sake.

"Of course he's cool with it," Lisa said, "He really likes you."

"He's a great kid."

Lisa asked, "And did I hear you telling my great kid that you're leaving now?"

Dean nodded. "I kinda promised him I'd spend the day with him tomorrow. Gotta do a few things around my apartment tonight if I want to make that happen."

Lisa smiled. "Thank you," she said.

She gave him a quick kiss before going to get her son back to sleep.

On the way back to the Impala, Dean's mind began to wander to dangerous places. Thoughts about John Winchester floated through his head. Like what his dad would think about Lisa and Ben. He hoped his dad would be proud of him despite how his headache got worse thinking about it.

Dean's phone rang in his pocket and successfully pulled him out of his own head. "Hey, Cassie," he answered weakly as he slid into the driver's seat of his beautiful car.

"Dean, are you okay?" Cassie asked.

Dean sighed and said, "I'll be fine. What's up?"

She paused for a second before saying, "Can we talk?"

"Sure," Dean said, starting the engine.

"I, umm, I joined the army," she said.

Dean laughed and said, "Yeah, that's a good one. What's going on?" Cassie said, "I'm not kidding, Dean. I joined the army. Boot camp starts next month."

Dean stared out his windshield at the dark street in stunned silence. For the second time that night, his world started spinning.


	36. Can't Find My Way Home

"The army?!" Charlie and Dorothy said in unison.

Sam shook his head, trying to pay attention to the conversation. His mind was wrapped up in other things like if he could move his pieces around the board without his sleeves pulling up and revealing his bruises.

It was a Tuesday. It was family game night. It was doing no favors for Sam trying to keep everything under wraps from his family. As a result, he had missed the entire conversation.

"Wait, what?" Sam asked.

Dean sighed, looking at the Risk board. "Yeah," he said, "Cassie joined the damn army."

"But we're at war," Charlie said.

"That's what I said," Dean said, "But she says she isn't cut out for college and she doesn't have anything keeping her here. Sam, it's your turn."

Sam didn't even bother looking at his cards. There weren't any matches. He grabbed two infantry pieces and put them with his forces on Australia.

"But she might actually see action," Charlie said to Dean.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I know. She thinks it might be fun. I think she's lost her freaking mind," he said.

Sam moved all but two of his forces to Siam, quickly pulling his arms back and pulling his sleeves down.

Charlie looked at Sam and said, "Speaking of losing their freaking minds. Sam, what do you think you're doing attacking my continent like that?"

"Asia's not yours yet," Sam said with a small grin.

Charlie tossed the dice at Sam. "Let's do this," she said.

After Sam triumphantly took over Siam and drew a card, Charlie sighed and said, "Dean, you've got to talk to her. She's got things keeping her here. She's got you."

"I've been talking to her," Dean said, "She's already joined. Her mind's made up. And honestly, I don't think I'm enough of a reason for her not to go."

Sam moved some of his troops back to Indonesia to fortify and passed the turn to Dorothy. He leaned back in his chair and tried not to wince. His back was just as banged up as his arms.

It was just another phase. Just like the leather and the boots and the John Wayne obsession, this was just another exercise in masculinity for Luci. It would pass. But there was no way his family would see it that way. Sam tugged his sleeves down past his wrists. If Dean was so upset that Cassie might get hurt by being in the army, he'd definitely kill Luci for the pain Sam was enduring. But it was worth it. Hiding it from his family was worth it. Luci was worth it.

Sam knew it was really messed up, but he knew that by taking the hits, he was helping to support Luci while he figured out his masculinity. It was just another phase.

Dorothy moved her troops in to attack norther Asia.

"Et tu, Dorothy?" Charlie said.

Dorothy grinned.

An hour later, Dean got up. "I forfeit. I'm gonna go call Cassie," he said.

Charlie nodded and said, "Yeah, fuck this game. These dice are rigged."

Dorothy laughed as she picked up another card for conquering yet another territory.

Sam sighed. All he controlled anymore was Australia. Dorothy had taken over basically everything else. Even if Dean, Charlie, and Sam all joined forces against her, Dorothy still had the advantage.

Charlie left for the bathroom, and Dean headed off to his room with his phone in hand.

Sam gave Dorothy a smile and said, "Good game."

Dorothy grinned but her expression dimmed. "Sam, are you okay?" she asked softly.

Sam nodded and lied like he'd been doing it his whole life. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said.

"Okay, good. You've just seemed kinda quiet lately, so I wanted to make sure," she said.

Sam tried to give a reassuring smile, but he knew it fell flat. "Thanks," he said, "I've been kind of stressed from school, but otherwise, I'm good."

Dorothy chuckled and said, "Yeah, school sucks that way. Well, if anything does come up, you know you can talk to me, right?"

Sam nodded.

"Good," Dorothy said, getting up. She quickly started putting her enormous army back in the Risk box. Sam stood up and grabbed a few pieces to help but slow enough that the bruises near his wrists would stay covered.

Luci had grabbed him too hard when he'd tried to leave the night before. If this wasn't a temporary thing, Sam would've invested in some hoodies with longer sleeves. But Sam was well aware of Luci's phases after all this time. There was no point preparing for something that wouldn't last longer than a couple of weeks.

Once they got the game put away, Dorothy said, "I'm going to make sure Charlie didn't fall in the toilet or something. Goodnight, Sam."

"Goodnight," Sam replied.

Dorothy and Charlie made their way to their room, Charlie loudly defending her habit of playing Tetris on her phone while using the bathroom. "It gives me something to do, okay?" she said.

Dean walked out of his room, still on the phone with Cassie. "No, I'm not just going to drop it. What if something happens to you?" he said, "Why does it matter what I'm doing? I'm trying to talk to you and...I'm going to take a piss, are you happy? Don't hang up, we aren't done talking." Dean paced over to the bathroom before saying, "No, we are not done talking. You want me to hold my bladder while arguing with your stubborn ass? I don't think so." He walked into the bathroom.

Sam shook his head at his family. He plopped down on the couch while he waited for everyone to fall asleep. He needed to take a shower, and because of all the bruising he had going on, he really needed everyone to be sleeping or in the their rooms at the very least. He certainly needed Dean to get out of the bathroom.

Just as Sam was starting to get comfortable on the couch, the bathroom door opened.

"Fine, but you have to promise me that you'll stay safe, that you'll come back in one piece, and that you'll keep in touch," Dean said into his phone, walking back to his room, "And something concrete, too. If I ever get married, you have to be there."

Sam's ears perked up at that. Dean actually thought about marriage? He wondered if things with Lisa were getting more serious.

Dean opened his bedroom door and said, "Nice, Cassie. That's real mature. If you promise you'll be at my hypothetical wedding, even though you say it would take a miracle, I'll try to be supportive of this whole army thing."

Dean looked over at Sam, and Sam gave him a quizzical look.

"Shut up, Sam," Dean said, going back into his room.

Sam sighed. He accepted the fact that he'd never understand his brother years ago, but it made Dean's antics no less confusing.

Dean closed his door, and Sam was alone. He took a deep breath and tried to ignore how stiff his back was. He stretched, regretting the movement, and headed for the shower.

Sam stripped off his clothes. They landed haphazardly near the toilet. He turned and caught his reflection in the mirror above the sink. What he saw there made him freeze.

Several bruises had bloomed on his shoulder from where Luci had disagreed with him over what movie to watch. Sam had said, "Hey, that hurts." Luci's only reply was "That's how you know I'm serious" before hitting Sam again.

His chest had a red blotch from this afternoon when Luci had greeted him with a punch. Sam knew Luci had been aiming for a light, playful punch. He'd just put a bit too much force behind it.

Sam refused to look at his back. It had been the victim of so many slaps lately, he knew it was either red or bruised or both.

Seeing all of this in addition to the finger shaped bruises along his forearms nearly pushed Sam over the edge. He knew he was being a good boyfriend by taking the hits. He knew he was being supportive during this round of masculine experimenting. But he also felt like shit for it. What did that say about him that his boyfriend didn't mind hitting him, and he didn't do anything to stop him? He knew Luci loved him, and honestly, that made it worse. Luci loved him and was completely fine with hurting him.

Sam's face crumpled for a moment as he struggled not to cry. Taking the punches was breaking his heart. How could Luci hurt him if he still loved him?

He got in the shower and turned on the hot water. The warm water helped soothe his aches but not his mind. What kind of person was he that he'd put up with this kind of behavior from his boyfriend? Maybe he deserved the pain if he was so willing to take it.

Tears mixed with the shower water on his face as he dropped to his knees.

Waking up took effort these days. But he had to stay strong for Luci. Once this painful phase passed, everything would go back to normal. They'd be fine.

Sam slowly washed up, taking care to stifle his sobs as much as possible as he washed the soap from his body.

After his shower, Sam grabbed two towels. He wrapped one around his waist, draped the other around his shoulders like a cloak. That way his family wouldn't see the damage. They wouldn't understand. Sam barely understood, but if Luci needed Sam to be a punching bag for a bit to figure himself out, then so be it. Sam knew it was worth it. Luci was worth it.

Sam gathered up his clothes, making sure the cover the bruises on his arms with the fabric, and headed to his room. This was only temporary; everything would be fine soon enough. It was only a matter of time.

Even though he knew it was just a phase Luci was going through, Sam still cried himself to sleep.


	37. Sad Girl

The Halloween spirit was alive and well in the apartment. At least, Charlie thought so as she put some fake webbing on their apartment door.

She couldn't wait for Halloween to get there. She'd get to wear her slave Leia outfit that she'd picked up from work, she'd get to give all the kids in the building sugar highs, and most importantly, she'd get to see Dorothy dressed up as Han Solo. What could possibly make this Halloween more perfect?

Well, there was one thing that could make it better.

Charlie had had a nagging thought for a few days, and she just couldn't shake it. Charlie had made a small, passing comment on her ex-girlfriends, and it came up that Dorothy didn't have any ex's.

Charlie knew that, of course, but it made her think. Charlie had had other relationships; Dorothy hadn't. What if Dorothy wanted to try dating someone else? What if she wanted to try something different, have more variety of experience? What if Charlie was holding Dorothy back? Charlie didn't want to think about it. What if Dorothy wanted something else, someone else, and she just didn't know, because she'd only ever been with Charlie?

"You're concentrating on that webbing awfully hard," Dean said, looking up from his pumpkin carving.

Charlie said, "Well, your jack-o-lantern's grin is uneven."

Dean chuckled. "It's supposed to be uneven. It's a lopsided grin," he said.

Charlie supposed the pumpkin did look a bit snarky.

"Something bothering you?" Dean asked.

"No," Charlie said, "Well, yes. Sort of. I don't know."

"Careful, Charlie. That indecisiveness makes you sound like an actual girl," Dean said.

Charlie replied, "You watch yourself, Winchester. That sort of comment makes you sound like a sexist asshole."

"Yeah, I guess that's fair," Dean said, looking away for a moment, "So, what's up?"

Charlie sighed, putting the white webbing material down. "It's stupid. It's just that Dorothy's never dated anyone else, and I don't know if-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you and Dorothy having problems?" Dean asked.

Charlie shook her head. "No, no. We're fine. Everything's fantastic. It's just-"

"It's just what?"

"It's just that Dorothy's only ever been with me. How does she know that I'm what she wants? She doesn't have any basis for comparison. What if she really wants someone else and she just doesn't know?"

Dean put his carving knife down and asked, "Have you talked to Dorothy about this?"

"No, I haven't worked up the nerve. You think I should?" Charlie asked.

Dean laughed. "Yes," he said, "Yes, I think you should talk to her about. I also think she's so completely in love with you that she's going to laugh at you when you mention it. But what I think doesn't matter. It's what Dorothy thinks that will make you stop worrying."

"Yeah, you're right. I'll talk to her when she gets home," Charlie said.

Dean picked up his knife again, looking back down at his pumpkin. "I thought she was going to help us decorate," he said.

"She will when she gets back from the store," Charlie said, "Where's Sam? Why isn't he helping hang the webbing?"

Dean stabbed his knife into the pumpkin. "He's with Luci. Where else would he be?" he grumbled, "And the webbing is your job anyway."

"But Sam's taller."

"But the webbing was your idea."

Charlie sighed and picked up the webbing again. "Maybe Dorothy will help me after she's back with the fog machine."

"Fog machine? Where are we putting that?" Dean asked.

"In the jack-o-lantern."

Dean's eyebrows shot up. "There is no fog machine in the world that's small enough to fit in this pumpkin."

"It'll fit."

"This hole is barely big enough to fit my hand. There is no way-"

The apartment door swung open abruptly. Dorothy rush in and closed the door with shaking hands.

Charlie's chest tightened; Dorothy was crying. Charlie immediately pulled her girlfriend into her arms. Dorothy buried her face in Charlie's shoulder and grasped the back of the redhead's shirt tightly. Sobs wracked through her. Charlie ran her fingers through Dorothy's hair gently while her mind spun trying to figure out what could possibly have happened.

Dean looked over at them with concern.

Charlie gave Dean a confused expression. She had as much of an idea of what was going on as Dean did.

Dorothy slowly calmed herself enough to pull away from Charlie.

Charlie said, "Sweetie, what's going-"

"I saw them," Dorothy said through her tears, "I saw my parents." Her face crumpled, and it broke Charlie's heart. She would never understand how parents could so willingly do this to their children.

She led Dorothy over to the couch and held her while she wept. Dean stepped over to them, sat on the coffee table across from the couch, and took Dorothy's hand in his. For a few minutes, the only sound in the room was Dorothy's hiccuping breaths.

After a while, when Dorothy had calmed down again, she slid down to lay her head in Charlie's lap. She asked quietly, "Can I tell you guys what happened?"

"Yeah," Dean said, "You can't just come home in tears and not expect us to be as curious as hell."

Charlie added, "You can tell us if you want to."

Dorothy took a deep breath and stared up at the ceiling. "I was leaving the Halloween store. They didn't have small enough fog machines by the way."

"I told you," Dean said.

Charlie shot Dean an annoyed look.

"Anyway," Dorothy said, "I left the store and headed for the Blue Line. And they were there on the train. Just sitting there next to each other. And she looked over at me. I don't think she really saw me. Either that or she didn't recognize me. But they were there. Like nothing had ever happened, like my being gone had no effect on them."

"Shit, Dorothy," Dean said sympathetically.

Charlie stroked Dorothy's hair back gently.

"Part of me wanted to go over there and yell at them, but I couldn't go near them. I just got off the train and caught the next one," Dorothy said.

Charlie sighed. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Your parents are dick-baskets. They don't deserve to have a daughter as amazing as you are. I think you have a much better family right here."

Dorothy looked up at Charlie and said, "I think so, too."

Charlie smiled.

Dorothy sat up, running a hand over her face. "So, how has the decorating been going?" she asked, clearly trying to lighten the mood.

Charlie thought briefly about the conversation she'd been having with Dean before all of this happened. There was no way she was going to bring up her insecurities to Dorothy now. Eventually she would but not now.

Dean said, "It's been fine. My jack-o-lantern is awesome, Charlie's been trying to hang webbing, which has been pretty entertaining to watch, and now we don't have to try to fit a fog machine into a tiny pumpkin. All in all, I'd call it a success."

Dorothy looked over at the webbing on the apartment door and giggled. "What?" Charlie said, "It looks fine."

"Yes, but considering you wanted the webs on the walls near the ceiling, it is pretty funny," Dorothy said.

Charlie rolled her eyes, but she was just glad that Dorothy was smiling again. If Charlie ever met Dorothy's parents, she'd have quite a few choice words for them.

Dorothy got up and grabbed the wad of webbing from the floor. "Fuck my parents," she said, "Let's make this place spooky."

Charlie joined her, stabilizing a kitchen chair so that Dorothy could reach the ceiling with the webs.

Dean got back to carving his jack-o-lantern as he said, "You guys know we're not even having a Halloween party, right?"

Charlie was about to reply when Dorothy said, "That's not the point of decorating and you know it."

Charlie grinned. God, she loved that woman.


	38. Out of My Hands

This could not be happening again.

"Why would Balthazar hide a bottle of vodka under his mattress?" Castiel asked.

Garth sighed. "Why does Balth do half the things he does?" he replied.

Castiel groaned.

Benny had two dates that night and couldn't squeeze Castiel into the juggling act. So, Castiel went to Balth and Garth only to find out that Balthazar got busted with booze in his room and had triggered nightly floor inspections.

Castiel plopped down in a booth across from Gabriel and sighed deeply. Maybe he should just start sleeping at a shelter. It'd be easier on everyone.

"What's with the horse impression?" Gabriel asked.

Castiel's eyes snapped up to Gabriel in confusion. "What?" he asked.

"'Cause you've got a long face...never mind," Gabriel said, "What's eating you?"

"Balthazar's an idiot, and I have nowhere to stay tonight," Castiel said.

Gabriel grinned. "You can stay with me," he said.

Castiel pulled Gabriel into a hug across the table.

Gabriel groaned in pain, and Castiel released him.

Castiel frowned. "You still need to tell me how that happened," he said, gesturing to the broken ribs Gabriel had been nursing.

It had been months since Gabriel had come hobbling into the Roadhouse, and he had yet to give anyone anything except stories. Castiel hadn't believe any of it and dragged Gabriel to get x-rays courtesy of a couple pre-med students and the school's minute clinic.

Gabriel's ribs had mostly healed since, but the truth hadn't come out.

"I told you," Gabriel said, "I got hit by a car."

"Oh, really? What color was it?" Castiel asked.

"Blue," Gabriel said.

Castiel stared at his friend. "That's interesting. Last time I asked you, you said it was black," he said.

Gabriel said, "This was months ago. Of course I can't remember the color. I have a hard enough time remembering what I ate for dinner last night."

Castiel reached out and put a hand on Gabriel's shoulder. "I know it was your dad. Why you feel the need to lie is quite-" Castiel's words died in his mouth as his fingertips hit the edge of a band-aid on Gabriel's shoulder.

Gabriel shrugged him off.

"Why won't you talk to me?" Castiel asked.

"Why won't you tell me who you've been crushing on all year?" Gabriel replied.

Castiel sighed. "That's not the same thing and you know it," he said.

Gabriel stood up and said, "Fine. You want to talk, we can talk at home."

Castiel got up from the table and followed Gabriel out of the Roadhouse into the crisp December air.

"You got any finals tomorrow?" Gabriel asked.

"Seriously?"

"I'm not talking about big stuff until we're home, and I've got to know if you need to be asleep by a certain time."

Castiel relented. "Yeah, I have two finals tomorrow. I'm not worried. My Latin final isn't until Friday. Until then, I should pass without any problems."

Gabriel shoved his hands in his pockets. "I've only got one final tomorrow, but it's my behavioral neuroscience lab, and a lot of that class has gone in one ear and out the other."

"I could help you study," Castiel offered.

Gabriel laughed and said, "First, you want me to talk, and now, you want me to study? It's like you don't even know me."

Castiel rolled his eyes.

Gabriel unlocked the front door and immediately led Castiel to the lower flat. The first thing that caught Castiel's attention was that Gabriel had the keys to the lower flat on his key ring. Whenever he and Castiel sneaked down there, Gabriel had to steal the keys from upstairs first. When Gabriel had to kick a sleeping bag out of the way of the door, Castiel knew something was up.

Castiel dumped his coat on the floor and slid himself up onto the kitchen counter. "Okay," he said, "Talk."

Gabriel sighed. "I live here now," he said, gesturing around at the empty room.

"You're living down here? Your dad's okay with that?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel met his friend's gaze. "You would've been really proud of me, Castiel. If you'd been there, you would've been really proud," he said, "I forced my dad to let me live down here. I'm blackmailing him, essentially."

"Gabriel," Castiel said, "You need to be more specific. Tell what happened. Everything, please."

Gabriel hopped up onto the counter next to Castiel. "We got into a fight, a bad one. I told him I was bi, he made Michael hold me while he beat the crap outta me, and I got free, kicked their asses, and told them I was gonna live down here with my silence about Dad's abuse as my rent."

Castiel stared at Gabriel with incredulity. He didn't know what to react to first. "So," he said after a moment, "You got out?"

Gabriel nodded. "Yep, I traded my daily torture for this new hell."

Castiel did not know what Gabriel could be talking about. He was free, he was away from his dad, and he had his own place virtually rent free.

"I'm confused," Castiel said, "Why is this hell?"

Gabriel gestured to the ceiling. "The floor up there does a crappy job of keeping sound out," he said, "I guess it's a good thing we never managed to rent this space out."

As if on cue, a loud crash came from above them. Muffled voices shouted at each other. Another crash, a loud thud, and echoing footsteps in the stairwell all left Gabriel cringing. That would explain the self-harm. Gabriel had left his brothers to fend for themselves against their father, and he got to hear every excruciating minute of it. There was no reason for Gabriel to feel guilty, but Gabriel had never been good at putting himself first.

It all clicked into place for Castiel, and he pulled Gabriel into a tight hug. They were just about to break apart when the sounds of a fight continued to echo from upstairs. Gabriel clung onto Castiel tightly as the chaos above them carried on. Castiel wished there was something he could do. He settled on providing a distraction.

"You know," Castiel said softly over Gabriel's shoulder, "If you're living down here, we should really decorate the place."

Gabriel muttered into Castiel's shirt. "I don't know if I'll be here that long," he said.

"But you can't go back up there," Castiel said, alarmed.

Gabriel shook his head and pulled away from Castiel. "No, but I don't want to stay here forever either," he said.

"No, of course not, but for the time being, maybe you could make this place into a home."

"It's never been a home before. Why should it start now?" Gabriel said bitterly.

Castiel sighed. He missed having a home, having a place to belong. He couldn't understand why Gabriel wouldn't want that.

"Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?" Castiel asked, gesturing to Gabriel's new living situation.

Gabriel said, "Maybe I wanted to have something personal that you didn't know about just like you do." And it was back to his crush on Dean. Of course.

"That's bullshit, Gabriel."

"Is it?" Gabriel asked, "Did it ever occur to you that maybe it hurts knowing that you're willingly keeping something like this from me?"

"You're just trying to change the subject. Why wouldn't you tell me something so major? I've been here a bunch of times since you got hurt. Why pretend like nothing had changed?"

"Maybe it hurts to talk about it, Castiel," Gabriel snapped.

Castiel replied, "Oh? And keeping it to yourself doesn't hurt? Tell that to your shoulder."

Gabriel looked down at the ground. "The fight happened the night you had to sleep in the library," he said.

"What?" Castiel asked, "I don't-"

"That's why I couldn't answer my phone. I was going to call you and tell you what happened when I dragged myself down here, but my phone had fallen out upstairs. I wasn't able to get my phone till the morning, and then I got your message, and I...I couldn't tell you. I wasn't there for you when you needed me, and you're one of the only people I hadn't let down, but you had to sleep in the fucking library because of me."

"Gabriel," Castiel said, "It's not your fault that I stayed in the library. None of what happened that day is your fault. You could've told me-"

"Well you know now, okay?" Gabriel said, cutting Castiel off and sliding down from the counter.

Castiel let out a deep breath. He had wanted to talk to Gabriel not fight with him. "I'm glad you told me now. I thought you didn't trust me," he said.

Gabriel's only response was, "So, can we now talk about why you don't trust me?"

"I do trust you," Castiel said.

Gabriel shook his head. "Clearly you don't. Otherwise, I would know who's got you all messed up lately. I can tell how much you like this guy, but that's it. I know absolutely nothing else. You expect me to trust you with everything, why can't you return the favor?"

"God, Gabriel, why do you want to know so badly?"

"Maybe it's because you're my best friend, and I care. I might even be able to help."

That was it. Castiel lost it. "I don't want to talk about it, because it hurts, okay? I don't know him. I'm never going to be able to talk to him. He has no idea that I exist, and I can't do anything about it, and it hurts. He's never going to have feelings for me the way that I have for him, and that's it. That's all there is to it. So, I'd rather not put my unrequited heartbreak out there all the time. Telling you his name is only going to make you meddle and try to change things that aren't going to change, so please, back off and leave it alone."

Gabriel stood in the middle of the empty room staring at Castiel. Castiel's nerves started to set in as the weight of what he'd said hit him. He was about to apologize, but Gabriel cut him off.

"Well, that's a defeatist attitude if I've ever heard one. How do you know he isn't going to like you if you can't even talk to him?" Gabriel asked.

Castiel sighed. "He has a girlfriend and an ex-girlfriend and probably another ex-girlfriend. He's straight, alright? He's straight and taken. I have feelings for a straight guy who has a girlfriend. I hate my life."

Gabriel got back on the counter and put an arm around Castiel. "I'd offer to help," he said, "But my love life is in the shitter."

"It looks like we have a lot in common," Castiel said sadly, "We can't figure out love, and both our dads are terrible."

Gabriel looked at Castiel for a moment as Castiel froze. He'd said that out loud. He'd said that his dad was terrible. He'd been thinking that his dad had fed him to the wolves for some time, but he'd never said it out loud before.

"Castiel?" Gabriel asked, concerned.

"My dad abandoned me," Castiel said.

It was Gabriel's turn to pull Castiel into a hug. Gabriel didn't bother contradicting Castiel. Instead, he said, "Our dads are asshats, but at least we have each other. I may not always have my shit together, but I'm always here for you. You know that, right?"

Castiel nodded. "I'm also a bit of a mess, but I'm here for you too."

The clamor above them had long since stopped. Silence hung around them as Gabriel and Castiel held onto each other on the kitchen counter in the empty flat.

"You know you could put a futon against that wall," Castiel said after a moment.

"Castiel, don't. I'm not decorating."

"I'm just saying a futon would be useful. You could put a TV in front of it. There could be coat hooks behind the door, you could put a giant bed in the bedroom, you could paint, the kitchen could have as much bacon as you want."

Gabriel huffed a small laugh. "Yeah, and then I'd be beating you out of the kitchen with a broom," he said.

"You like bacon, too," Castiel said, "And you could have candy on the counter, so you'd always have something to look forward to."

"A bowl of candy. I like where your head's at, Castiel," Gabriel said, "I'm still not getting all settled in here, but if that changes, I'll keep that in mind."

Castiel grinned.

They spent the rest of the night talking about terrible interior design plans and bemoaning the finals that they weren't prepared for. They curled up on the unfolded sleeping bag together and talked until they couldn't keep their eyes open anymore.

And when they heard Raphael scream early in the morning, Castiel pulled Gabriel to him and told him about the time he'd physically walked into Dean and wanted to die of embarrassment. He didn't name names of course, but the story did get Gabriel to laugh, and that was all that mattered.

Gabriel was right; things may be shitty, but at least they had each other.


	39. Walk Away

Gabriel knew a lot of things. He knew that Castiel was going to be early for his final when he left way too early in the morning. He knew that Castiel had misunderstood him the night before when he said he wasn't sure if he'd be around long enough to decorate, but that didn't really matter. He also knew that Castiel was going to pass this Latin final because he actually knew the language a lot better than he thought he did. What Gabriel didn't know, however, was that his brothers were coming down to visit.

The footsteps coming down the stairwell nearly had Gabriel jumping out of his skin. A soft knock sounded at the door.

"It's me," Raphael said.

Gabriel sighed. He opened the door slowly and almost slammed it shut when he saw Michael standing there as well. Maybe Castiel had the right idea about leaving for school early. Gabriel groaned as he let his brothers in the doorway. Only his family could make him want to get to school early.

He crossed his arms across his chest and looked at his brothers expectantly. Michael dropped his gaze, not willing to meet Gabriel's eyes. Raphael stared off somewhere past Gabriel's shoulder.

After a long moment of silence, Gabriel asked, "Well?"

Michael opened his mouth like he was going to say something but quickly closed it again. This was ridiculous.

Gabriel said, "I assume you came down here for a reason. What do you want?"

Raphael turned away from Gabriel, looking over into the kitchen. "We want you to come back upstairs," he said.

Gabriel laughed. It was a forced laugh, sure, but it made his brothers actually look at him. "Why?" he asked.

Raphael, still facing the kitchen, said, "We miss you." Now, that was a good one.

"I wasn't born yesterday. You only want me back upstairs so I can be your meat shield again," Gabriel said.

Michael said, "You were never a meat shield, Gabriel."

"Oh, no?" Gabriel said, turning towards Michael, "I wasn't a meat shield every time I fought Dad while you watched? I wasn't just cannon fodder when you held me for Dad to go ape-shit on? That's not what happened? Oh, good. That makes me feel so much better."

Michael rolled his eyes, clearly frustrated. "Gabriel, be reasonable," he said.

Gabriel snapped, "Reasonable? You let him break my ribs, you son of a bitch."

Michael's face paled.

Raphael actually looked at Gabriel. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"What do you care?" Gabriel asked.

Raphael just stared at him.

Gabriel sighed. He couldn't be mad at the kid. "Yeah, Raph, I'm fine. My friends got me all fixed up. Only some soreness left now," he said.

Gabriel thought he saw the ghost of a smile on Raphael's always too serious face.

"I'm sorry," Michael said softly.

Gabriel grimaced. "Nice try, but I'm still not going back upstairs."

"Gabriel, don't make me beg. He's relentless now," Michael said.

"And he wasn't before?" Gabriel asked, "I don't know if you recall, but Dad's bum leg was the best thing that ever happened to us. Why don't you just leave? You could report him, you could become Raph's guardian, you could be done with all of it."

Michael shook his head sadly. "No, that's what you could do. I'm a good son. I'm trying to keep this family together, but you left just like Mom did."

Gabriel stared at his brother.

Michael didn't even blink. He just met Gabriel's gaze with his own righteous, condemning eyes.

Gabriel looked at Raphael. "Would you want me to turn in Dad and be your guardian?" he asked.

Michael started, "You disloyal-"

"No," Raphael said, "No, I just want you to come back upstairs."

"And we could be one big happy family again?" Gabriel asked, saturating his words with sarcasm.

Raphael nodded.

Gabriel sighed. He walked into the empty bedroom and grabbed his backpack from behind the wall. Fuck this. He slipped a strap over one shoulder and shoved past his brothers to the door.

"Where are you going?" Michael asked.

"Leaving," Gabriel said over his shoulder.

He walked out of the two-flat and out to the sidewalk. Goosebumps erupted over his arms as the cold air hit him. He should've grabbed a jacket, but there was no way he was walking back into that building until his brothers were gone. Fuck them wanting him to go back. If it were just Raphael, Gabriel would consider it, but not with Michael there. Gabriel still felt nauseous thinking about his brother's betrayal.

And how dare he compare Gabriel to their mom. He had every reason to leave. Gabriel could see how Michael was trying to manipulate him. Their mom had abandoned them, and damned if Gabriel didn't feel like he was doing the same. But who the hell would he be protecting? Michael was a fucking dick basket, and Raphael was just Michael's lackey now. Fuck 'em. They didn't care about him, and he was done caring about them.

Gabriel walked quickly to the Roadhouse before it all could sink in and make him cry or something. Once he got to the Roadhouse, he was half frozen and angry as hell. There was no way he'd be able to focus on his finals after his brothers' bullshit.

He shoved open the door and saw Castiel sitting at a table, surrounded by books.

"I knew you left too early," Gabriel said, sitting down across from his friend.

Castiel sighed. "I still have another two hours till the test," he said.

"So, you're gonna fry your brain studying until then? You said you weren't worried about this final," Gabriel said.

Castiel closed the book in front of him and said, "You're right. I need a break. What are you doing here? Aren't your finals this afternoon?"

Gabriel considered keeping the encounter with his brothers to himself, but he thought better of it. Castiel would just drag it out of him anyway. "I needed to get out of the house. My brothers came down for a chat after you left. It wasn't pleasant," he said.

"Oh, no. What happened?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel run a hand over his face. "They want me to move back upstairs," he said.

"You can't do that!" Castiel said quickly.

Gabriel smiled at his friend. "I know. That's exactly what I told them," he said, "They're plenty pissed at me right now."

Castiel grinned. "I'm proud of you," he said.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't get all gushy on me. Let's go play some foosball until your final, okay?"

Castiel nodded, gathered up his books, and headed over to where Balthazar and Benny were already playing.

Gabriel grinned as he joined his friends.

There were a lot of things that Gabriel knew, but there were even more he didn't know. He didn't know how long he'd be around since his thoughts of suicide were more abundant than ever. He didn't know how long he'd be able to keep fighting the need for it all to be over. He didn't know that one of his finals had been turned into watching a movie and eating popcorn thanks to his benevolent professor.

He didn't know that a very tall, very handsome young man was sitting with his brother in a booth just a few feet away from the foosball tables. And he certainly didn't know how much would change once they met.

But he would.


	40. Simple Man

It was a hot summer night that no amount of air conditioning could break through. Dean had kicked the covers off in his sleep hours ago. They had the AC on as high as they could afford, and the apartment was still stifling.

But it wasn't the heat that had Dean tossing and turning. It was that car. Staring out the windshield of that car, his dad in the driver seat telling him that everything was going to be fine.

"You'll take care of Sammy, won't you, Dean?" his dad said.

Dean couldn't see out the windshield anymore. Tears clouded his vision. "Dad, don't," he said, "You don't have to do this."

The words echoed in Dean's mind; he knew he'd said them before.

John Winchester smiled a shaky smile. "You'll be fine. Everything will be fine."

His father turned the Colt pistol over in his hand.

"I'm so proud of you, Dean."

"Dad, don't."

The gunshot rang out, and Dean bolted upright, screaming. He felt hands on him and jerked back quickly.

"Dean, it's us. Relax. You were just dreaming," Sam said.

Dean barely heard what Sam said over the pounding in his head. He jumped out of bed, away from Sam, focusing on just breathing and not passing out. He closed his eyes, pacing unsteadily near the side of his bed. He could breathe. Just in and out. It was easy. He could relax. He could breathe. His chest was painfully tight, his heart racing against his ribcage.

"Are you okay?" Charlie asked.

Dean ignored her. That gunshot was echoing around in his head again. He looked at the wall he stood near. There were cracks in the paint. He counted them silently, taking in each detail of each offshoot of the cracks until he could breathe again.

When he'd calmed down enough, Dean turned around and looked at Charlie and Sam sitting on the edge of his bed.

"I'm fine," Dean said, "Sorry I woke you. Go back to bed."

Sam gave Dean a concerned look, and Charlie made no move to leave.

Dean sighed and plopped onto his bed. "I'm fine. It was just a nightmare," he said.

"You were screaming," Charlie said.

"It was a bad nightmare. It happens."

Charlie asked, "How long has it been happening?"

Dean groaned. He just wanted to get back to sleep. Well, no, he just wanted them to get back to sleep and stop asking questions. He knew he wouldn't be getting any more shut eye any time soon.

"He used to scream in his sleep all the time after Dad died," Sam said quietly.

"Sammy," Dean said with a warning tone.

Charlie frowned, giving Sam an inquisitive look.

Sam pointedly ignored Dean and said to Charlie, "Our dad was murdered. He was shot by the same guy that killed our mom. Dean was really messed up after it happened."

Dean's stomach rolled. That wasn't what happened. He couldn't bring himself to tell his baby brother what his father had done. He'd made up a story, called in an anonymous tip about their dad's body, and he and Sam were in the wind. The smell of the cold leather upholstery in his dad's truck was still stuck in his nose. Guilt added to his anxiety, made the room spin, made the gunshot echo louder.

"Dean, you okay?" Sam asked.

Dean tried desperately to calm his breathing. That must've been what was giving him away.

"Please, go back to bed," Dean said to them.

Sam shook his head. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Me, either," Charlie said.

Dean stared at the sheets on his bed. He tried to count the number of creases. Something to help him focus. "Please, get out. I need to-"

"No," Sam said, "I'm here for you, Dean. Just tell me-"

"Get out!" Dean shouted. The grey matter of John Winchester's shattered skull clouded his vision.

"No!" Sam shouted back, "You need to tell me what's going on."

"Sam, I swear to-"

"I'm not going to leave until you-"

"Dad shot himself," Dean snapped, looking at the ceiling instead of at Sam.

Sam fell silent.

"Wait, what?" Charlie asked, "I thought Sam just said your dad was murdered."

Dean sighed, glad that his ability to breath seemed to be less strained. "Yeah," he said, "That's what I told Sam after Dad died."

"You lied to me," Sam said slowly, "You lied to me for years."

"You were a kid, Sam. I couldn't just-"

Sam snapped, "No, you could've told me. You just didn't want to."

"Dad shot himself in the mouth in his truck in front of me," Dean said, "That's not something that you just drop on an eleven year old kid."

Sam paled, any further argument died in his throat.

Charlie stared at Dean. She said, "Jesus, Dean. No wonder you're having nightmares."

Dean said, "Yeah, I know. It's not anything new. Would you guys please go back to bed?"

Charlie sighed and patted Dean's leg. "That's just not gonna happen, sweetie."

"Of course not," Dean said with a groan.

"I want to know what happened to Dad," Sam said abruptly.

Dean said, "I literally just told you what happened."

"No, I mean, why did he do it? Why would he do it in front of you? What were his last words? What exactly happened?"

"Sammy-"

A loud tone blared from Sam's pocket. Sam frowned and grabbed his phone. "Oh, shit," he said.

Dean and Charlie gave Sam quizzical looks.

"Luci needs me. I have to go," Sam said. He got up from the bed and pointed a finger at Dean. "This conversation is not over. We're talking about this the second I get back," Sam said.

Dean nodded and said, "Fine." Normally, he'd be wondering what the hell Luci needed from Sam at this time of night, but he was just glad that he'd have a few hours to figure out how to get the words out.

Sam left the room but popped right back in. "Can I use the Impala?" he asked.

Dean stared at his brother. "Why do you need the car?" he asked.

"Public transit this late at night? C'mon, Dean," Sam said.

Dean sighed. "Yeah, you're right. The keys are on the kitchen counter," he said.

Sam ran out of the room quickly.

"If she comes back with so much as a scratch on her, I'll have your head," Dean called after him.

Charlie looked at Dean with a look that made Dean feel incredibly uncomfortable.

"What?" Dean asked.

"You're not planning on going back to sleep, are you?"

"Not really."

"Me either," Charlie said, "Do you want to practice talking about it after having some early breakfast?"

Dean laid back down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. "No," he said, "No, I can think of a thousand things I'd rather do."

"While that makes sense and all," Charlie said, "Sam is expecting you to tell him about it later. If you practice with me first, it might be easier for you."

Dean ran a hand over his face and sat up again. "Alright," he said, "Practice. Food first, though."

Charlie gave Dean a soft smile and asked, "You want me to make some bacon?"

Dean chuckled, feeling his anxiety melt away at the thought of bacon. "Lead the way," he said.


	41. Bad Moon Rising

Sam grabbed Dean's keys from the kitchen counter with still shaking hands. He couldn't believe Dean would've lied to him for so long about something so important. It was their dad for crying out loud. But he knew it must have been terribly traumatic to see their dad kill himself. Why the hell would Dad have done something like that?

Sam was still seething as he got behind the wheel of the Impala. Dean should've told him. Dad should never have done what he did. How could Dad have done something like that? How could Dean have kept it to himself for so long? Sam really just wanted to hit something.

He drove the entire way to Luci's with his hands clenched around the steering wheel tightly. He tried his best not to be mad at Dean, but it was an impossible battle. Dean should've told him, but he understood why he'd been kept in the dark, but that wasn't an excuse to lie to him, but Dean was clearly very messed up over it, but it still hurt, but Dean did have a pretty good reason. The whole situation was just so damn frustrating.

Sam also felt a very strong, urgent rage at his long dead father. He'd mourned his father for being taken from him; now he felt betrayed, like the tears he'd shed were for a father he'd never actually known. He felt abandoned more than anything.

Once Sam pulled up in front of Luci's house, he tried to put all the angst of the day behind him. He wanted to enjoy himself and whatever Luci had planned.

Luci hopped in the passenger seat and grinned at Sam. "How'd you get Dean to lend you the car?" he asked.

Sam sighed. "I didn't tell him what you've got planned, and after the shit he pulled, he owes me," he said.

Luci cocked his head a little. "Oh, boy. Trouble in paradise?" he asked.

Sam said quickly, "It was just a little argument. Nothing important."

Luci chuckled and said, "Well, whatever. We've got the car, that's all I care about. Next stop, Ruby's and Meg's."

Sam nodded with an attempt at a grin and drove off towards Ruby's apartment. Luci cranked the volume on the radio, which had Sam releasing a relieved breath. Due to Luci's general insensitivity and how Luci's mood seemed to improve whenever he did something to make Sam uncomfortable, Sam was incredibly reluctant to tell Luci anything about his dad's death and Dean's lies. It made him feel like a shitty boyfriend that he couldn't open up and tell Luci everything, but that insecurity easily fell to the wayside when all he could think about was Dean, his dad, and all of that.

They picked up Ruby quickly. The black-haired she-devil slid into the back seat and immediately wrapped her arms around the driver's seat and Sam. "You gonna drive us around, Sam?" she asked with an oddly flirty tone.

Luci shot her a look and took hold of Sam's leg. Ruby backed off before Sam could think of a reply.

By the time they got to Meg's place, Ruby was sneakily running a finger along Sam's arm in the space between the driver's seat and the car doors. Sam had been around Ruby enough to know how ridiculously she clung to him. She always teased him and touched him and toed the line with Luci's territorial side. Sam was used to this. He didn't entirely mind. Luci's touches were never so soft. Everything about him was rough and fast, Ruby was sly and light. He knew that Ruby wasn't really into him, though. It was always just to see how far she could go without Luci stopping her. As long as she didn't go so far as to get Luci upset with him, Sam didn't mind. At least Ruby's advances didn't hurt.

Meg plopped into the back seat next to Ruby and let out an excited laugh. "This is going to be amazing!" she said.

Ruby rolled down the window in the back and let out a happy shriek.

Sam rolled his eyes as Luci fed him directions to the club they were hitting first.

The music was loud, the room was dark, and Sam wanted to be anywhere else. He knew Luci and the girls were going to get drunk, he knew he would be the designated driver and herder for the drunk messes. It was going to suck like it always did.

Luci shoved Sam into a booth and slid in next to him. He mouthed drink orders to Ruby and Meg.

"You want anything?" Luci asked, "Water? Juice?"

Sam shook his head. "No, I'm fine," he said.

Luci sighed and shouted over the music, "When are you going to get used to coming out with us? You can enjoy this, you know."

Sam shrugged. He said, "It's not really my thing, but I know you like it, so I'm fine."

Luci laughed and pulled Sam into a rough, fast kiss. "And that's why I love you." He slapped a hand down on Sam's thigh hard enough to make Sam flinch. Luci grinned widely.

Sam swallowed the surge of anxiety that made his stomach twist in on itself. He was starting to think that Luci's roughness with him wasn't just a phase. It didn't matter, though. Relationships took work; he'd work as hard at this relationship as he needed to make it work. It was just a lot more endurance than effort that went into this relationship. Luci got up to help the girls bring drinks back to the table. Sam watched him go and tried to tell himself that it would get better. It would be like it was when they were first dating. They'd be able to get there again. Sam felt a familiar gnawing doubt in his gut at those thoughts, though, like they were just lies that Sam was telling himself.

Ruby and Meg brought the drinks back to the table.

Luci grabbed his phone out of his pocket. "Shit, it's my parents," he said, "They must've noticed I'm not home. I'll be right back."

Sam shook his head. He had no idea how Luci even heard his ringtone over the heart-pounding music in the club.

Ruby and Meg chatted idly about summer school classes and whether they would get their diplomas by the end of it all. Sam tried to ignore them. He'd offered to help them catch up before the end of their senior year, but they'd called him a nerd and turned him down.

In fact, the whole point of this outing was to celebrate Sam and Luci graduating high school, but he couldn't tell Dean that. Dean wanted to throw Sam a graduation party, but Sam vehemently refused. He didn't want a party. He didn't want to have Luci over at the apartment knowing that his boyfriend wouldn't rein in his behavior. He didn't want to spend time around his family knowing that he was hiding so much from them. He just wanted to keep trucking through his education and let his graduation from high school be just a small milestone.

Luci was definitely not on the same page. He wanted tonight to be the biggest night of their lives now that they were "free." Sam didn't even know how many clubs Luci had in mind. All he knew was that they planned to be out till the clubs and bars all closed. That's why Luci had wanted Dean's car. In the wee hours of the morning, public transit all but ceased to exist, and Luci had no intention of letting that stop the party.

Sitting in the booth, reflecting on his lot in life with Luci, Sam's anger at Dean evaporated. Dean had had a very good reason not to tell Sam about their dad much like Sam had a very good reason not to tell him about what was happening with Luci. At first, it had been a phase. Then, it was the simple fact that Luci was worth the pain. Now, it was the cold, hard realization that Sam had no idea what to do without Luci. It was always Sam and Luci. They were always together, Luci knew Sam inside and out, and he couldn't imagine what his life would be like without him. Somewhere, Sam was pretty sure that he still loved Luci. It was just buried underneath all the pain, but it was still there. If Dean found out, it would all be over, and Sam didn't know if he could handle lies were necessary. He'd have to work things out with Dean once he got back home.

Luci approached the table hastily, his eyes puffy and red.

"Luci?" Sam asked, concerned.

Luci shook his head and rushed to the bar, fake ID in hand. He came back with two shots of tequila and downed them both.

"Woah, Luci," Sam said, "What's going on?"

Luci turned his angry, hurt gaze to Sam. "My parents," he spat, "My fucking parents." He grabbed his vodka soda that the girls had ordered him and drank it quickly.

"Luci," Sam tried again.

Luci slammed his fist on the table. "My parents are moving to Detroit," he snapped.

He swallowed the rest of his drink in two large gulps. Sam stared at Luci. Detroit was hours away, hundreds of miles.

"Well, that's stupid," Meg said, "What are you going to do in Detroit without us?"

Luci laughed a harsh laugh that made Sam's insides quake. "That's the best part," Luci said, glaring at his empty glass, "They're leaving me here."

"What?" Sam asked, "They're leaving you? You're their kid! They can't just-"

"They can, and they are, Sam. Apparently, they think I'll 'get better' if I'm forced to grow up. They're paying for an apartment for me until I can find a job, but that's it. They're ditching my sorry ass."

Ruby and Meg looked at each other, confused.

Sam stared at Luci. He didn't know what to say. Maybe he should've told Luci about his dad. They could work through their newfound abandonment issues together.

Luci got up from the booth and held a hand out to Sam. "Give me the keys," he said.

Sam shook his head. "Are you crazy?" he asked, "Your head's gotta be spinning after all the shit you just drank."

Luci leaned closer to Sam. "Are you calling me a fucking lightweight?" he hissed.

Sam shook his head. "No, but there is no way I'm letting you drive."

"He's right, Luci," Ruby said.

Luci gritted his teeth and punch Sam in the chest. "Give me the keys," he said again.

"No, Luci," Sam said, "Stop it."

Luci grinned and punched Sam in the arm, hard. "You want me to stop? Give me the keys."

"No," Sam shouted. His shout was drowned out by the house music.

Luci slammed his fist into Sam's chest again. "Keys, Sam."

"No."

Luci got a glint in his eye that made Sam's blood run cold. "Give. Me. The. Keys," Luci said, punctuating his words with punches.

The last punch knocked the wind out of him.

"Fine," Sam said when he caught his breath, "If you want to go, we can go."

Ruby and Meg looked at each other for a moment. Meg said, "We're gonna stay here. Take care of him, okay?"

Sam nodded while Luci headed straight for the door.

Once they got to the car, Sam fished the keys out of his pocket.

Luci snatched them and shoved Sam away from the driver's side door.

"Luci, stop. You can't drive this car," Sam said, urgent.

Luci laughed and said, "You get shotgun, or I'm leaving you here."

Luci climbed in the driver's seat, and Sam reluctantly got in the passenger side.

Luci didn't even bother to buckle in. He tore away from the curb and sped down the street.

"You're going to get us both killed," Sam said.

Luci chuckled and asked, "Where's your sense of adventure, Sam?"

Sam stared at Luci incredulously. They blew through a red light to the sounds of horns and shouts.

"Luci!" Sam shouted, "What the fuck? Pull over!"

Luci just laughed and kept driving.

Sam reached over Luci and buckled him in; he tightened his own belt as well.

Luci shook his head in disbelief. He said, "You're a real sissy, you know that?"

"You'll thank me when you don't fly through the fucking windshield," Sam said.

"We're not gonna get hit," Luci said.

They quickly approached another red light.

"Luci, slow down," Sam said.

Luci did no such thing.

Sam was struck for the first time that Luci was no longer the person Sam had fallen in love with. He didn't love Luci anymore, and if they survived this, Sam had no idea what he would do about it.

"Luci, c'mon. You're being ridiculous."

"I'm being ridiculous? No, my parents are being ridiculous. Moving to fucking Detroit without me? Who does that? What kind of-"

Time slowed down and sped up all at once. A semi-truck slammed into the back end of the Impala. The screech of metal on metal was deafening, but Sam could barely hear it over the pounding in his ears. The passenger side airbag exploded into Sam's lap, chest, and face. The Impala spun out and flipped against a building, landing on its roof near the other side of the intersection. Everything was quiet. The world was an upside down blur, and everything was quiet.

Until it wasn't.

All at the same time, the sounds of voices and sobs and sirens and all of hell came flooding to Sam. He looked over at Luci. Luci's face was bloody from broken glass and red where the airbag had smacked him.

Sam reached for his boyfriend before everything blurred, and he was engulfed in dark and quiet once more.


	42. Tears In Their Beers

"Jesus, Dean," Charlie said.

Dean sighed and said, "Just Dean is fine."

Even though it was a classic lame joke, Charlie could tell his heart wasn't really in it.

Dean wiped away a tear and said, "So, now you know. That's why I've been a mess."

Charlie shook her head. She said, "I watched my mom die, but it was so not the same thing. I can't even imagine what that was like for you."

"Well, it was years ago, and I'm still fucked up about it," Dean said, "That can give you a bit of an idea."

"And the nightmares happen often?" she asked.

"More so lately, but yeah. Same for the panic attacks."

"Panic attacks?" Charlie asked, eyes wide.

"Yeah, they happen from time to time."

Before Charlie could respond, Dean's phone rang. "It's Sam," he said. He answered it and put it on speaker. "Hey, Sammy," Dean said.

Charlie could tell the call had already made Dean nervous.

"Hi, Dean," Sam said in a small, dejected voice, "I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to kill me."

Dean sighed. He tried for a joking tone. "What'd you do?"

"I, umm, I need you to come down to the police station," Sam said.

"What?!"

"I know," Sam said, "I-"

"What happened?" Dean asked, "Are you okay? Do you need bail money? A lawyer?"

"I'm fine for the most part. It's Luci. And your car."

"My car? Sam, what-"

"There was an accident," Sam said quickly, "I just need you to get down here."

"Alright, are you at the station in Logan Square or Old Town?" Dean asked.

"Logan Square," Sam said.

Sam hung up, and Dean looked at Charlie with a lost expression.

Charlie put a hand on his arm and said, "It's gonna be okay."

"He was only gone for a few hours. What the hell could've happened?" Dean muttered.

Charlie got up from the couch and said, "Well, I'm going with you."

"Good," Dean said, "I'll need the back up when I kill Sam for roughing up my car."

"Let's save the knee-jerk reaction for after we find out what's going on, okay?" Charlie said.

Dean looked like he was going to say something, but instead, he kept his thoughts to himself.

Charlie ran over to her bedroom to get real clothes on. Dorothy turned over in her sleep. Somehow, Dean's screams hadn't awoken her, nor had Charlie's absence over the last few hours while she and Dean ate bacon and talked. Charlie pulled open her dresser drawer quietly and pulled out a pair of jeans and a Star Wars t-shirt. She changed out of her pajamas and into actual clothes.

Dorothy mumbled, "What're you doing up?"

Charlie walked over to Dorothy's side of the bed. She said quietly, "Dean and I were talking about his tragic backstory and are now heading down to the police station, because Sam got into an accident."

Dorothy sat up quickly. "Is Sam okay?" she asked.

Charlie said, "He said he was fine for the most part. I don't really know what that means. I gotta go."

Dorothy hopped out of bed and grabbed the shirt and pants she'd left on the floor from the day before. "I'm coming, too."

"You haven't even had breakfast," Charlie said.

Dorothy pulled her shirt on and pulled on her jeans quickly. "I'll live. Let's go," she said.

Charlie followed her girlfriend out of the bedroom to find Dean pacing by the front door. She grabbed her house keys and locked up after Dean and Dorothy headed down the hallway.

Luck was on their side; a blue-line train had just arrived when the three of them got to the Damen platform. They got to the police department in no time.

Sam was sitting in one of the chairs in the main lobby when they arrived.

"I figured you'd be under lock and key," Charlie said to Sam.

Sam didn't even try to smile. He had a couple scratches on his face, but otherwise, he looked okay.

Dean crossed his arms over his chest and said, "Okay, what happened?"

Sam sighed. "Luci and I picked up Ruby and Meg and went to a club," he said.

"A club? Some kid club, right?"

Sam shook his head.

"You guys aren't 21 yet. How the hell'd you get in?" Dean asked.

Sam said, "Fake IDs. Luci's idea."

Dean shook his head but gestured for Sam to continue.

"Luci found out that his parents are moving to Detroit without him. He got a little drunk, took the car keys, ran a red light, and crashed the Impala," Sam said as fast as he possibly could.

A small eruption occurred inside of Dean. As the information was absorbed, the effects of the internal explosion spread across his face. His jaw clenched.

Charlie tried to put a hand on Dean's arm, but he side-stepped her.

"Where is she?" Dean asked.

Sam looked at Dean, confused. He said, "Luci's male, Dean. We've been over th-"

"My car, Sam," Dean snapped, "Where is my car?"

An officer walked into the lobby and approached Sam. "Is this your brother?" he asked.

Sam nodded.

The officer looked at Dean and said, "Mr. Winchester, I am Officer Walker. We need to talk."

"Show me where my car is, and we can talk," Dean said.

Officer Walker nodded and led the group through the building to the back lot.

Before he opened the door, Officer Walker turned to Dean. "Your brother tells me that you love your car, so I'm going to talk to you before we go out there. Your car has significant damage, so this really has to take priority over any distractions," he said.

Dean nodded.

"We need to know if you will be pressing charges against Ms. Nicholas," Officer Walker said.

"Who?" Dean asked.

Sam said, "He means Luci, and I've told him to stop misgendering him three times now."

Officer Walker said, "Like I've said, I go by what's in the paperwork. He's listed as female in the paperwork. Anyway, Mr. Nicholas has confessed to underage drinking, driving under the influence, and grand theft auto. We just need to know if you'll be pressing charges for stealing your car."

Dean looked at Sam, Sam looked back at him with a pleading look in his eyes.

"No," Dean said, "I won't press charges. He's my brother's boyfriend. If I press charges, I'll never hear the end of it."

Officer Walker nodded and said, "I'll make note of it. If you change your mind after seeing your car, let me know. I'll be in the front office." He opened the door between Dean and his Impala before walking away.

Dean shook as he laid eyes on his car. Charlie gasped. She knew she'd get in between Dean and Sam if she had to in order to keep her boys safe from each other, but holy crap that poor car.

The roof of the car was smashed and scratched, the windshield was shattered, the other windows were just as bad, the driver's side of the car was crushed in on the rest of the body, and the frame was bent at awkward angles.

Dorothy gaped at the car with the same amount of shock that the rest of them felt.

Dean grabbed Sam by the arm and pulled him into a tight hug. "I'm so glad you're okay," he said.

Sam pulled away from Dean and asked, "You're not trying to kill me?"

Dean chuckled and looked back at his car. "Oh, Luci will be paying me back for the rest of his natural life to cover the repairs, but no, I'm not going to kill you. I can't believe you were able to walk out of that alive," he said.

Sam said, "Yeah, the paramedics said that, too. None of them expected a car like that to have airbags."

"The airbags worked?" Dean asked, surprised, "Rufus showed me how to install those while he was drunk."

Sam gestured to the car and said, "Well, they worked. I would've cracked my head open, but instead I just have a concussion."

Dorothy asked, "Does your head hurt now?"

Sam shrugged, "Yeah, it does, but I'm not dead, so I don't see how-"

"You should sit down," Charlie said, "Concussions are no fun."

Sam smiled and said, "I'm fine. Really. Luci's the one who took most of the hit."

"Ah, yes," Dean said, walking over to the car to see the damage up close, "How is my new indentured servant?"

Sam gave Dean a look. He said, "Luci's not too bad, all things considered. He's got bruising and cuts all over, he's got swelling that the doctor is a bit concerned about, and they think he might've broken a rib or two. I got taken down here for a statement before I could find out more."

Dean ran his hand along the good side of the Impala. He let out a heavy sigh and said, "Sam, come here. We should talk."

Sam walked over hesitantly.

Dean said, "I promise I'm still not going to kill you. The same can't be said for Luci. I may have to rip his lungs out for this, but I don't blame you."

Sam visibly relaxed and asked, "Okay, so what do you want to talk about?"

Dean looked at the ground. "You could've died today. You could've died without knowing what really happened to our dad, and that's something that I would not have been able to live with. So, I'm going to tell you the whole story, okay? Because you're right. You deserved to know what happened. I should never have kept it from you."

Sam stared at Dean, eyes wide.

Dorothy looked at Charlie, confused.

Charlie pulled Dorothy over to the boys. "Emotional support," she said to Dean.

Dean gave her a faint smile and began. He said, "Dad and I were gassing up the truck while you were at the motel eating breakfast. Dad went inside to get some snacks to last us the week and told me to watch the car. Well, I didn't."

Dean paused, closing his eyes. "Instead of watching the truck, I got a bottle of soda out of the vending machine around the corner. When I got back, Dad was already at the truck. I thought Dad was gonna kill me for not staying with the car. But he wasn't pissed. He was just calm and brushed it off. He told me to get in the car, gave me the snacks, and drove away. I apologized for leaving the car, but he didn't say anything. He just kept going until we were on a long stretch of dirt road. He pulled over and grabbed the Colt out of the glove box in front of me. I could've stopped him, I could've grabbed his hand, grabbed the gun, something."

Dean paused again, taking a deep breath. He clenched his fist and pounded it against the Impala one fast time. "I could've grabbed the gun, but I didn't. I didn't know what he was going to do. He told me to make an anonymous tip to the cops about where to find the car. 'Call the cops, tell 'em where the truck is, and get you and Sam as far from here as you can.' And he told me to take care of you, said to make sure you finished school and lived a good life. I tried to ask him what the hell he was going on about, but he wouldn't listen. He just wanted me to promise to look out for you.

"I promised, eventually, but I still wanted to know what the fuck was going on. Dad wouldn't tell me. He told me he was proud of me. Those were his last words. 'I'm so proud of you, Dean.' He put the gun in his mouth, I shouted for him to stop, and bang. That was it. After that, I just listened to Dad. I walked back to the motel, called in the tip on the way, and got us out of there."

Dean wiped a stray tear from his face with a shaking hand. He gritted his teeth, trying desperately to stop himself from crying, and continued in a broken voice, "You know, when we were little, and you couldn't been more than 5, you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom? Why do we always have to move around? Where'd Dad go when he'd take off for days at a time? I remember I begged you, 'Quit asking, Sammy. Man, you don't want to know.' I just wanted you to be a kid. Just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you, keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job. I had one job. So, I couldn't tell you, I just couldn't. I'm sorry."

After a long moment, Sam asked, "And you have all of that stuck in your head?"

Dean nodded. He said, "It's mostly the details that creep up on me. The creak of the leather, the crack in the top of the windshield after the gunshot, the smell of the truck before and after. Stuff like that. Otherwise, it's usually pretty easy not to think about."

Sam pulled Dean into a hug. "Thank you for telling me," he said, "And for everything else."

Dorothy leaned her head on Charlie's shoulder and asked, "Is that what you and Dean were up talking about this morning?"

Charlie nodded.

Dean and Sam broke apart, and Dean looked at the Impala again. "You had to get totaled on a weekend, didn't you?" he said.

"Why does that matter?" Sam asked.

Dean gave a shaky sigh and said, "I can't get her towed to Rufus' place on a weekend. I'll have to get her taken to Crowley's."

"What's so bad about Crowley's?" Dorothy asked.

"Well," Dean said, facing his roommate, "I work at Rufus' garage. He wouldn't charge me to bring her back there. Crowley, however, is a greedy bastard. He's not gonna charge me to keep her there, but he will charge for parts and labor, and he's gonna keep her on the lot until she's fixed."

"It's only another two days, I'm sure the cops can keep the car here until Rufus' is open," Charlie said.

Sam said quietly, "Actually, I had to beg them to bring it here. The cops said it needs to be at a garage, or it'll be impounded."

"Great. Crowley's it is," Dean groaned, "After I call the tow truck, we are going home, and this godawful day is going to turn itself around, okay?"

"Sounds good. How're we gonna do that?" Sam asked.

Dean pulled out his phone and started dialing. Before making the call, he said, "The only thing that always works no matter what."

Charlie grinned. "That means games, Netflix, and booze. I am in!"


	43. Crazy Circles

It was all Castiel could do not to throw his phone at the pavement. He had nowhere to go. Again. Gabriel wasn't answering, Benny was out of town, and the dorms were closed for the summer. Castiel jammed his phone into the pocket of his trench coat angrily. There was a time when Castiel had a home. Even when he didn't have a home, he at least had had a roof over his head. How had this become his life? All he had was his phone, his wallet, and his trench coat. Even those things weren't really his. Gabriel had started paying for the phone, the wallet used to be Benny's, and his trench coat was his dad's. The coat was all he had left of him, actually.

Castiel felt like shit as he walked through the city. There were so many people walking around on their phones that they had money for going into stores to buy coats that didn't belong to their dads. They were chatting with friends, meeting up with family, enjoying life around the rest of the people in the city's urban glow.

And there was Castiel. Alone.

Across the street, two boys held hands. One of them rested their head on the other's shoulder as they waited for a bus. It was a small thing, a sweet moment to behold, and it caught Castiel's attention in the worst way. He couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to hold Dean's hand, rest his head on Dean's shoulder.

But that was stupid. He didn't even know Dean, and the chances of ever talking to him got more remote each time Castiel laid eyes on him. Still, the couple across the street made Castiel feel happy for them but also feel the bitter loneliness of his life at the same time.

A man walked halfway into Castiel, the man's shoulder and side nearly pushing Castiel over. He didn't apologize or turn around to acknowledge Castiel in any way. Castiel sighed and kept walking, feeling more invisible than ever. He headed for the lake. Maybe if he just walked until he was submerged in Lake Michigan, he'd stop being in the way.

He knew that drowning himself as a way of making himself less of a burden was a touch melodramatic. He still headed to the lake if only for the view.

The sun had set by the time Castiel reached the beach. The colors of dusk streaked across the water into oblivion.

A peaceful feeling seeped into Castiel's tense frame. Things may be terrible, but at least this moment was good. As he stared across the water, listening to the slap of the waves, he almost forgot that he had nowhere to stay for the night. He'd never stayed a shelter before, but he had the vague notion that he should probably find one. There were three that he wrote down the information for on a note in his phone. He couldn't bring himself to pull it up, though. What did it matter if he went to a shelter? He'd be taking up a bed that someone else could use. If he had a roof over his head, he wouldn't feel any less like shit.

He took another long look at the lake before turning away. He walked down the sidewalk away from the beach into the tunnel. It was meant for pedestrians to get too and from the beach without dying on Lake Shore Drive. At night, however, it became a wind shelter and haven for the homeless of Chicago. Castiel sighed. There was a time that he would've avoided the tunnel at all cost. He would've worried about being mugged or attacked. Now, he was just like them, wearing all he owned with nowhere else to go.

The tunnel was empty save for two kids huddled close together near the wall. Neither of them could've been more than fifteen. Castiel felt a twinge of empathy. It was one thing to be cast out as an adult but as a teen? Castiel didn't want to think about what those kids might've gone through.

As he passed them, he heard the girl say to the boy, "I'm cold."

"I know," the boy said, "At least we're not out in the wind right now."

The girl sighed and rubbed her arm. "I guess," she said.

Castiel counted his blessings that, on any normal day, he usually had somewhere to stay. At the end of the tunnel, Castiel stopped. A spark of an epiphany started to bloom across his mind. He could do something.

He turned around, putting his phone and wallet in the pockets of his jeans. He slipped off his trench coat as he approached the kids. "I couldn't help but overhear that you're cold," he said, "Would you like a jacket?"

He held his father's trench coat out to the bewildered girl.

"No, it's okay," she said quickly, looking down at her hands.

Castiel said, "It's okay. Really. If you're cold, take it. I don't need it."

"Are you sure?" the girl asked.

Castiel nodded.

The girl gingerly took the jacket and wrapped it around herself like a warm blanket.

"Thank you," the boy said.

"Yes, thank you," the girl said quickly.

Castiel gave the kids a soft smile and left the tunnel. When Castiel emerged on the street across from Lake Michigan, the lights of the city were beginning to sparkle against the darkening sky. The brisk wind against Castiel's bare arms woke him up in the best way. It wasn't cold per se, but the wind was sharp, and it got his nerves dancing. He felt good, butter than he had in a while anyway. It felt good to help that girl. It felt good to be out in the night air.

Castiel got a crazy idea as he walked down the street. He had nowhere to sleep, so why sleep? The city was alive, there was so much to see and hear. Why sleep and miss it?

Taxis beeping at each other, people chattering to each other, shoes clacking on the pavement, laughter and music floating out of the nearby bars, and Castiel was right in the middle of all of it. So he walked and watched the city take its nocturnal breath of life. The lights of Lincoln Park Zoo shone even thought the gates were closed. Students walked from dorm to bar and bar to dorm at Columbia and DePaul Universities. Music pumped and colored lights streamed as Castiel walked past a club. Street cats chased each other down an ally as two drunk girls searched for where one of them parked their car. Eve though he was by himself, Castiel didn't feel alone.

He walked by Buckingham fountain, he sat on benches at Daley Plaza, he stared up at the towering skyscrapers like he'd never seen them before. He listened to street musicians, watched cars go by, found himself dazed by the pooling illumination from the street lights that he passed. It was a night unlike any other.

As the hours passed, realization dawned on him like the quickly rising sun. He wasn't a waste of space. He wasn't in the way. He was a part of all this life, all this beauty of everyday happenings, and it felt wonderful. He had a place in it all, and it was all fascinating.

As the sun broke over the horizon and lit up the sky, Castiel found himself wandering around Millennium Park. The Face towers sprayed water onto the concrete, the Bean sparkled with early morning light, and Castiel was just happy to be breathing in the air. He walked over to what in a few months would become the ice skating rink. He could only imagine what a great spot for a date Millennium Park would make.

Leaning against the railing, Castiel could see himself walking around the park holding hands with someone, drinking hot chocolate, talking about life. It would be simple, easy, and perfect. Some sleep deprived part of his brain imagined meeting Dean in the park and just knowing that they'd be together. Maybe he'd just wait here, then. He'd just wait until Dean came to Millennium Park. He'd see Castiel, he'd know that he existed, and they'd just fall in love and be together.

Castiel let out a wistful sigh and started walking towards campus and the Roadhouse. He may be an idiot and wishing for the impossible to happen, but it was still a nice thought. He may not really know Dean, but at least he was lucky enough to know that Dean was in the world. Even if they never spoke, that knowledge would be enough. And that was fine by Castiel. Life was a wonderful, beautiful adventure, and whatever happened would happen. He'd never felt so at peace before in his life.

The night had been perfect and amazing, and all Castiel wanted to do was hug everyone and share with them the feeling that everything was okay.

About an hour later, Castiel reached the Roadhouse. They had just opened, and Castiel couldn't have been happier. His feet ached. It was the best ache in the world, but he really wanted to sit down.

Gabriel grabbed Castiel by the shoulders before he could enter the building. "I've been trying to reach you all night," Gabriel said, "Where the hell have you been?"

Castiel just smiled.


	44. I'm No Angel

"I've been trying to reach you all night," Gabriel said, "Where the hell have you been?"

Castiel just smiled.

"Well?" Gabriel pressed.

Castiel opened the door to the Roadhouse and said, "I was around."

"Around?!" Gabriel said, exasperated. He followed Castiel inside. "I see five missed calls from you, try calling you a million times, start organizing a search party, and you were just around. Sure, yeah, okay."

Castiel's brow furrowed in confusion. He fished his phone out of his jeans pocket.

"Where's you coat?" Gabriel asked, noticing for the first time that his trench coat wearing friend was definitely trench coat-less.

Castiel headed for the nearest booth, staring at his phone. He said, "I gave it to a homeless girl."

"Wait, what?"

Castiel sat down at the table. "Apparently, my phone was on silent," he said, "And I only have eleven missed calls, not a million."

Gabriel stared at his friend. "Seriously?" he asked.

"What?"

"You had me worried sick, and that's all I get? You were 'around' and your phone was on silent. Really? Where were you?"

Castiel sighed happily. "I had a great night. I just walked around the city and realized that I still have hope for myself. It was like I saw the world for the first time. Everything is so beautiful, because it's all a part of the experience of life. Last night made me thankful for what I have instead of just being sad and angry at my father's abandonment. It made everything click into place. I don't care about the bad stuff anymore, because I know everything's going to work out the way that it will, and I'm okay with that. That's where I was last night. I was wandering the city and coming to peace with life."

Gabriel scoffed. "So, you got stoned without me? Some friend you are," he said.

"I'm not high," Castiel said, "I just had an epiphany and gained some perspective."

"Sure. So, you just went for a walk and shifted you whole world view. Okay," Gabriel said.

Castiel smiled. "I realized that I wasn't a waste of space," he said, "I've been feeling like shit for a long time, but last night, I was able to help a homeless girl. I made an impact. For the first time in a while, I felt like I mattered. And it made me realize that I have it better than a lot of people, and that moping about things that I can't change is a waste of effort. After that, I just felt better about everything."

Gabriel sat back and appraised his friend. Castiel did seem much more relaxed that he normally did. It wasn't that Gabriel didn't believe Castiel; it was just that having one small event on a random night change your entire outlook on things was something that only happened in the movies and not to your best friend.

Gabriel said, "Okay, it's not that I don't believe you, 'cause I do, but you gotta understand that what you're saying is kind of hard to swallow. You're just okay with everything now. Yesterday, you were brooding and miserable, and now, you're fine. I get it, I can see it, even. I just never thought something like that would happen to anyone I know."

Castiel smiled. "Maybe it was the act of giving away my father's trench coat. It may have been a subconscious unburdening," he said, "Or maybe it was the fact that I was able to help someone that I recognized myself in."

"You saw yourself inside a homeless girl? I hope you at least used protection," Gabriel said.

Castiel shot him an exasperated look.

"Oh, come on," Gabriel said, "My quips and bad jokes are half the reason you hang out with me."

Castiel sighed and said, "Yes, I suppose your attempts at being funny are a little endearing, but you're also a good friend."

Gabriel leaned back against the booth. "Yeah, I'm the best friend anyone could ask for. I couldn't even answer your calls when you needed a place to stay," he said.

"If you had answered your phone, I wouldn't have had such an eye opening night," Castiel said, "It was meant to happen the way it did, and it doesn't make you any less of a good friend."

"Well, if everything's all sunshine and roses, what are you going to do in the fall and winter when it gets cold again? That was the only jacket you had," Gabriel said.

Castiel yawned and slouched down in his seat a bit more. "I guess I'll need to get a new coat before then," he said nonchalantly.

"Oh, you guess," Gabriel said, "You're really not bothered by any of this, are you?"

Castiel grinned and asked, "Should I be?"

"No, it's just weird to have you relaxed and carefree all of a sudden."

Castiel sighed with a small, happy hum, closing his eyes and resting his head on his arms on the table. "I hope that someday you have as wonderful of a night as I did," he said.

Gabriel laughed. "Yeah, I also hope I get laid again sometime before I die, but we all know that's not gonna happen," he said.

Castiel huffed and said, "Now you're just being silly. Just because you don't have a significant other right now doesn't mean you never will."

Gabriel looked at Castiel for a minute. The dude was definitely out of it. If Castiel were on top of his game, he'd be jumping right down Gabriel's throat about even mentioning his own mortality. The intended meaning of Gabriel's words hung between them for a moment. Of course it was logical to assume that he might have sex again sometime in the duration of his natural life. However, if Gabriel was planning on ending his life in only a few months...

Instead of letting the heavy pause drag on, Gabriel said, "Well, maybe that crush of yours has a brother or sister."

Castiel lifted his head off the table as if he might fall asleep right then and there. He smiled and said, "Maybe he does. Who knows?"

"What, you haven't cyberstalked him yet?" Gabriel asked.

Castiel shook his head at Gabriel in feigned annoyance.

"Well, it's for the best," Gabriel said, "If he did have a sibling, they'd have to be royally fucked up to deal with me."

Castiel looked at Gabriel, his sleepy smile fading. "That's not true," he said.

Gabriel gave his friend a small smile. He patted Castiel on the shoulder and said, "Sorry, I don't share your optimism. You're just gonna have to have a positive outlook for the both of us."

Castiel smiled. "If you said that to me yesterday, I'd be upset," he said, "But now, I can definitely have enough optimism to cover us both."

After a moment, Gabriel decided to test the boundaries of the new, positive Castiel. "So, you're done being mad at your dad and your living situation. Are you also done being sensitive about the identity of your mystery crush?"

Castiel met Gabriel's gaze with a calm stare. "I had perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to talk to you about it," he said, "But I have accepted the state of my love life along with everything else. His name is Dean Winchester."

Had this been a cartoon, Gabriel's jaw would've been in his lap. Castiel just told him. He told him the name of his crush just like that. No poking, no prodding. Just a name. Wow.

"Wait a minute," Gabriel said, mulling the name over in his head, "Isn't that the name of the guy that Benny works with during the summers?"

Castiel nodded.

"Does Benny know?"

"No, and I'd like to keep it that way."

"But we could fix you up, arrange a hang out or something."

Castiel sighed and said, "I believe I've already explained to you that Dean is straight. And he has a girlfriend. I've finally come to accept that nothing will ever happen between him and I, so please, don't meddle and cause me more pain than I'm willing to deal with."

Gabriel wanted to argue, to press, to find some reason to get involved on Castiel's behalf. But he'd already been a shit friend once that day.

"Okay," Gabriel said, "You call the shots. I won't breathe a word to anyone."

"Good," Castiel said, laying his head back down on the table, "Now, if you don't mind, I'm probably going to fall asleep."

Gabriel grinned. "Why don't you ask Jo to borrow her room? You can sleep in an actual bed and not, y'know, at a table in a booth in a bar," he said.

He didn't get an answer, Castiel was already out cold.

Gabriel shook his head. He took off his hoodie and draped it over his sleeping friend. He walked over to the foosball tables, tempted to play a pitiful game against himself. He was much more tempted, however, by the thought of texting Benny to see what information he could get on this Dean Winchester guy.

But he didn't.

He only had a few months left. He could be a good friend until then.


	45. These Boots are Made for Walking

Dean took out the knife his dad had given him and turn it around in his hand. Maybe today was the day that he'd chuck the thing into the lake.

Sam knocked on the door. Maybe not.

Dean, putting the knife back in his nightstand, said, "Come in."

"Hey," Sam said, shuffling over to the side of Dean's bed, "Can I ask you something?"

"You just did," Dean said with a grin.

Sam rolled his eyes. "It's about Dad," he said.

Dean sat up, his attitude sobering quickly. "Okay, what is it?" he asked.

Sam asked, "Talking about him isn't going to make you freak out, is it?"

Dean shook his head. "Nah, I'm good. Haven't even had nightmares lately."

"Maybe it's because you finally told me the truth," Sam said, sitting down on the edge of Dean's bed.

"Don't push it," Dean said.

Sam smiled, but it faded when he asked, "Why do you think Dad did it?"

Dean ran a hand over his face. "I don't know, Sammy," he said, "Sometimes I think he had his suicide planned out for months; other times, I think he did it to protect us from the fallout of one of his cases."

"What do you mean by fallout?" Sam asked.

Dean said, "There were a few times that the people Dad would investigate would try to hurt Dad rather than run. I caught him wrestling a guy in the parking lot of a motel we were at once. I wouldn't be terribly surprised if his investigating pissed off the wrong person, and Dad didn't want it biting us in the ass."

Sam's eyes widened a little, but he nodded in response.

"But it's just as likely that he planned it," Dean said, "Dad was in a lot of pain after Mom died. He might have just hit a point where he'd had enough of being without her."

"Our family's a mess," Sam said quietly.

Dean elbowed Sam. "I don't know. I think we're doing okay," he said, "You graduated high school, I'm somehow going to college and helping Lisa raise a kid. Not too shabby for a couple of formerly homeless orphans."

Sam gave a weak smile and got up, heading for the door.

Dean said, "Hey, since we're having all this open and honest conversation lately, is there anything you need to get off your chest?"

Sam paused at the door. For a moment, Dean thought Sam might actually have had something to say.

"No," Sam said, "Nothing to share. All I can tell you is that Dorothy made breakfast, and Luci is over."

Dean groaned. "Why is Luci here?" he asked. Sam didn't want Luci there anymore than Dean did, but he wasn't about to advertise that fact. It would lead to too many questions.

"I know you're not his biggest fan," Sam started.

"Understatement," Dean said.

"But he is still my boyfriend," Sam said, "So he still comes over occasionally."

Dean rolled his eyes.

Sam said, "C'mon, Dean. There's french toast, bacon, and eggs out there. You can put up with Luci enough to have some food, can't you?"

Dean got up and said, "Fine. I'll try to be nice, but I'm not putting on pants."

Sam shook his head and led the way out to the kitchen.

Dorothy was pushing something delicious around on a skillet while Charlie leaned against the counter next to her talking animatedly. And there was Luci, darkening the spot that he took up at the dining room table. He flipped through the pages of an IKEA catalogue lazily.

"Find anything you like?" Sam asked Luci quietly.

Luci nodded and patted the seat next to him. Sam sat down quickly, so that Luci wouldn't get upset but not so quickly that Dean would think it was out of character. Sam looked at the catalogue with his boyfriend and hoped to hell that there be a good way to just leave.

Dean tried to stifle an annoyed sigh, but it still got out of him.

"Good morning, Dean," Luci said in an almost sing-song tone.

Dean nodded and said, "Luci." He continued into the kitchen without another word to grab breakfast.

"What color should I paint my bedroom?" Luci asked Sam.

Sam shrugged. "Are they even letting you paint at this place?" he asked.

Luci said, "They'd better let me paint. It's an apartment, not a jail cell."

"Speaking of jail," Dean said, speaking around a mouthful of scrambled egg, "When do you get your license back?"

Luci gave Dean a snide smile. "I'll get it back next week, thanks for asking," he said.

Dean wanted to smack the grin off of Luci's smug face.

Sam shot him a look, and Dean went back to pouring syrup on his french toast.

"Whatever color you want to paint your room will be fine," Sam said, "I'll help regardless."

Luci smiled and said, "Thank you. I see holding grudges isn't one of things you and your brother have in common."

"You destroyed my car!" Dean snapped.

"Dean," Sam said with a warning tone.

Dean put his plate down angrily at the spot opposite Luci's at the table.

"Maybe we should take the decorating plans for your new place somewhere else," Sam said to Luci.

Luci glared at Dean for a moment before nodding. He got up and followed Sam towards the door. Luci said, "Maybe we can go look at some throw rugs."

"Throw rugs," Dean said, "Wow, ladies, are your cycles in sync yet?"

Luci paused before the door, visibly going rigid. Sam's heart skipped a beat. He did not want Dean seeing the angry side of Luci. More than that, if Dean pissed Luci off too much, Sam would be the one feeling the brunt of it. The week before, Dean had called Luci a bitch, and Sam still had bruising on his sides from it.

"Ignore him," Sam said, "Come on."

Charlie came out from the kitchen as Luci and Sam left the apartment. "Tell me I did not hear what I think I just heard come out of your mouth," she said.

"It was just a joke," Dean said, returning to his french toast.

Charlie pulled Dean's plate away from him. "I don't care how much you're pissed at Luci. I don't like him much either if we're being honest. I think Sam could do much better. But I will not tolerate you using Luci's gender to make him uncomfortable. Be an ass if you must, but not like that."

"Okay, I'm sorry," Dean said, "I didn't mean to offend your inner feminazi."

"Oh, that is it!" Charlie snapped.

Dean looked at his friend, confused. "Seriously, Charlie, I'm just kidding," he said.

She cut him off before he could say anything else. "You need to take a gender and women's studies class," she said, "You need to realize the effect that jokes like that can have on people."

"Charlie, I think you're being a bit-"

"Dean, you made a very sexist remark towards your brother and brother's transgender boyfriend. I don't care if Luci is Satan himself, you do not do things like that."

"He's a fucking asshole, Charlie. I'm pissed as hell that he wrecked my car and that he's with my brother all the time. I'm sorry if I can't be civil with him."

"So, call him names. Be an ass to him. You don't have to be a sexist shithead to do that."

Dean sighed. "Fine. I'm sure I'll be getting an earful from Sam about it later anyway," he said.

Dorothy left the kitchen and headed for her bedroom as Charlie gave Dean back his breakfast.

Dorothy returned with Charlie's laptop. "Gender and Women's Studies, you say?" she said, pulling up the school's class registry.

"You can't make me sign up for a class I don't want to take," Dean said.

Dorothy looked at Charlie for a moment before diving into the class search system.

"Have you signed up for classes yet?" Charlie asked.

Dean shook his head, grumpily taking a bite of french toast.

Dorothy said, "Remember Gender and Sexuality 104? Wasn't the theme 'Adventures into the Gender Spectrum'?"

Charlie giggled and said, "I think that might be a bit much for Dean. We don't want to beat him over the head with it."

"Isn't that the entire point of you wanting me to take one of these classes?" Dean asked pointedly.

Charlie said, "No, I just want you to take a class that will make you think. You live with lesbians, your brother is gay, his boyfriend is trans, you're dating a single mom. Honey, some feminism in your life will do you some good."

"I have two major problems with this plan of yours. How are you going to fit in some feminist class with the classes I already need for my criminal justice major? And how do you think taking a class that I have no interest in, that I will undoubtedly be the only male in, is going to help teach me anything?"

Charlie looked at Dorothy.

Dorothy said, "According to the university's outline for the Criminal Justice program, you're required to take a humanities elective. Why not take Women's History?"

Charlie said, "That's a great idea! What do you think, Dean?"

Dean took the last bite of his french toast. How had his life come to this? He could agree to take the stupid class and be bored and embarrassed for the next six months of his life, or he could fight the girls on it and have to explain in some unoffensive way that he didn't care about women's history to his two profoundly feminist lesbian best friends.

Fuck.

"Alright. If it counts as the humanities requirement, I'm in," Dean said, "But if I start failing this class, you two better find some way to help me cheat my way through it or something."

Charlie kissed Dean on the cheek and said, "This is great! You won't regret it, Dean. I promise."

Dorothy slid over the laptop so Dean could put in his registration info. It felt like signing away his soul. Dean sighed heavily as he did it, but he was partially glad that he was able to make his roommates so happy with such a small thing.

Maybe there'd be hot girls taking the class, too. Maybe the class would turn into a really nice naptime. Maybe it wasn't all bad.

"Well, as fun as this has been, I've gotta get to Lisa's. She's got work, and I've got three Pixar movies with Ben's name on them," Dean said.

Charlie smiled and said, "Say hi to them for me."

Dean quickly pulled on a pair of pants and ran out the door.


	46. Wheel in the Sky

"Women's History?" Castiel asked, confused, "I thought I was signed up for Latin Classics."

The woman behind the registrar's desk said, "Yes, you were signed up for Classics. However, that class, due to lack of interest, was cancelled. The only other class that would fulfill both a history and a sociology requirement for you would be Women's History. Everything else is either full or wouldn't be able to fill your requirements."

"Great," Castiel said.

Gabriel shrugged and said, "Hey, there are worse classes to take. I'm sure this will be more interesting than Latin Classics anyway."

Castiel said, "Gabriel, you don't understand. I'll be the only guy in there. I'm male, I'm white, and the women in that class are going to kill me."

The woman behind the desk chuckled. "Since you're aware of that, I'm sure you'll be fine," she said, "If you want me to find a different class for you, I can, but that's going to be the best one for you to be in."

"C'mon, Castiel. It'll be fine. I bet the class will be just filled with hot ladies, too," Gabriel said.

Castiel sighed and said, "Which would make it an ideal class for you. Why don't you take it, and I'll take your spot in whatever class you don't want? Oh, wait, that's right. I can't."

Gabriel grinned. "Would if I could, bucko," he said, "But yours truly graduated unlike some youngins."

Castiel took a deep breath and turned to face the woman behind the desk. "I'm sorry for all of this. I'll deal with it. Please, sign me up for Women's History."

The woman smiled and said, "The class meets Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. You want me to print your course schedule for you?"

Castiel shook his head. "No, I'll just look at it online. Thank you for your help," he said.

Gabriel and Castiel left the office.

Once in the hallway, Gabriel asked, "You gonna be okay taking that class?"

Castiel nodded. "It will be uncomfortable, but I enjoy history. I'm sure it will be fine."

"Maybe you'll get lucky, and there will be a hot guy in your class," Gabriel said.

Castiel laughed and said, "The chances of there being another male, let alone an attractive one, in this class are slim to none. I'll just enjoy the class for what it is."

Gabriel chuckled and said, "Come on, we've got more stops to make."

They walked to the administration office and were pleasantly surprised to find no line.

Gabriel walked up to the desk and greeted the young man behind the counter. "Hey, my friend and I need a quick favor," he said.

The guy looked from Gabriel to Castiel and asked, "How can I help?"

Castiel said, "I need to change the address on my file, but online it is saying that I need proof of residency to be approved by this office."

"Oh, that's easy," the guy said, "You got a piece of mail with your name on it?"

Castiel nodded and took a letter out of his bag. It was his phone bill. They'd put Castiel's name on the account even though Gabriel was paying for it just for this particular occasion.

The guy did some quick typing and said, "Okay, Mr. Novak. You are all set."

Castiel took his phone bill back, said a quick thank you, and followed Gabriel out into the hall.

"You're sure you're okay with me using your address?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel said, "Yes. For the thousandth time, I'm cool with it. Hell, if it weren't for my volitile dad, you could just move right in for real."

Castiel nodded. He'd never take Gabriel up on any such offer anyways. If he bounced around from place to place, he wasn't as much of a financial strain in his friends.

"Hey, listen," Gabriel said, "I've gotta go pick up my diploma and straighten out some things at work. Once you get your loans accepted, meet me at the library?"

"You could've just gotten your diploma at the graduation," Castiel said.

"And be stuck in a tent with a thousand people I don't know, waiting for them to make me walk across a stage in front of the complete lack of people that would be there to cheer me on? Yeah, not my idea of a good time."

Castiel nodded. "I'll meet you at the library. It shouldn't be long," he said.

Gabriel grinned and headed off to the Records office. He had to be more careful about what he said in front of Castiel. Sure, his dad was a reason for anyone to not live with him, but the main reason Gabriel didn't invite Castiel to stay was that Gabriel had no plans of staying himself. Initially, he'd been planning to pull a Shakespeare and die on his birthday. He'd love to have his life come down to a nice round number. But his birthday was in September. And he loved Halloween. So, the new plan was that he would die Halloween night. Of course, Castiel would stop any and all plans that he had, so for the remaining months, he had to police what he said to make sure that Castiel had no inkling of what he was planning to do. He just didn't want Castiel to feel like a burden or that he would be unwelcome at Gabriel's place if the situation were different.

Gabriel picked up his diploma so that no one else would have to once he was gone. He'd never really unpacked his stuff after he threw all of his shit in a box and moved to the lower flat. Now, he was making sure to keep that box packed for the same reason. He didn't want anyone he knew to have to clean up after him after Halloween.

Gabriel headed over to the library. He wasn't planning on quitting his job until the middle of October, but he did need to have a talk with Naomi about what his work was going to be like post-graduation. He walked over to the reference desk where Naomi was idly scanning a pile of recently donated books.

"Hey, Naomi. You got a sec?" Gabriel asked.

She met Gabriel's gaze slowly and said, "I suppose I can get these scanned in later. I need to talk to you anyway."

"Oh, good," Gabriel said, "Am I getting fired?"

Naomi chuckled and led him into the back room with the racks of recently returned material. "I was going to ask what your plans were for working here since you graduated," she said.

Gabriel said, "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I can pick up more hours since I don't have classes. I just don't know when you'd want me to work or what kind of hours you need."

Naomi smiled. "I was going to offer you a full time position with us," she said.

Gabriel gaped at his supervisor. "You what?" he asked.

"If you don't want to stick around here post-grad, I understand, but if you'd like the full-time position-"

"I'd love to," Gabriel said quickly.

His mind was racing. Sure, it would be kind of selfish to take a full-time position when he was planning on dying in a few months, but at the same time, it could earn him enough money to get out of his dad's building. He could save up and leave. It wasn't like he was going to change his plans for suicide, but it was an option. Gabriel liked to have his options open, and he loved working in the library for the most part. It wasn't like he could do anything with his degree in the few months he had anyway.

"Yes, I'd love to work here full-time," Gabriel elaborated.

"Great," Naomi said, "I'll get the paperwork together. We have a new girl training today, so feel free to say hi."

Naomi left, and Gabriel walked out to the reference desk. He had a full-time job. Holy shit.

A girl with long, red hair ran her fingers along a stack of recently returned books and put them on a cart to put back in the racks. New girl. Right.

Naomi returned in a few minutes with a folder and some paperwork. "Here, Gabriel. Fill this out, and I'll get everything sorted for you," she said.

Gabriel started filling out paperwork as Castiel walked up.

"What's the paperwork for?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel grinned and said, "Naomi said I can go full-time. Just gotta do some signing for benefits and crap."

Naomi huffed and Gabriel said sweetly, "It's the best paperwork I've ever had to fill out, I promise."

"That's really great, Gabriel. Not many people get a full-time job this soon out of college," Castiel said.

Gabriel said, "Yeah, no kidding. Only downside is we have a new girl starting that I'm probably going to have to train. Wait a minute. Naomi!"

Naomi walked over and asked, "Done with the paperwork?"

"Yes," Gabriel said, handing it over, "And did you hire the new girl to replace me before you even talked to me?"

Naomi gave Gabriel a knowing smile and took the paperwork. She walked away without a word.

"She did. She totally did. She replaced me before she knew I'd go full-time. Wow."

"Well, still, you have a full-time job. Be happy," Castiel said.

Gabriel chuckled and said, "I am. The amount of balls Naomi has is just shocking sometimes. But whatever, this is cool. Assuming the new girl is cool, training could be fun, too."

"My name is Anna," the new girl said, "Not 'new girl.'"

Gabriel said, "I would've learned your name eventually, but I'm sorry. I should've remembered my manners. I'm Gabriel."

"Well, if you're anything like what I've heard about you, I look forward to training with you," Anna said before walking back to the books.

Gabriel grinned. "Yep, I'm glad I'm going full-time," he said.

Castiel rolled his eyes as they walked out of the library. He said, "Please, don't get fired for sexual harrassment."

Gabriel laughed and put a hand on Castiel's shoulder. "No, that won't happen. After Kali, I'm pretty much done with women," he said, "Working with Anna seems like it could be fun. But just working with her, nothing else."

"You're done with women and yet you tell me that I should look forward to Women's History because of potential attractive women in the class. You make no sense to me," Castiel said.

Gabriel said, "Yep, that's me: a riddle wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside a taco."

"So, what now?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel waved an arm ahead of them. "Our last stop," he said.

Castiel's brow furrowed. He said, "I thought we finished our errands."

"We did," Gabriel said, "But now that you're all set for next semester, and I have a new full-time gig, we need to celebrate. To the Roadhouse!"


	47. Back In Black

It was a dismal Friday morning in October when Dean stirred. He woke up bleary eyed and weak like he'd just went ten rounds with a heavy-weight champ and was somehow still standing. The feeling made sense to him, because that's practically what happened the night before.

He was fighting with Lisa. Again. This time, she wanted him to move in, as if that was a good idea. Their relationship had been dead for a few months if not longer. There was no way moving in together would do anything but exacerbate that. And she had the nerve to say that he wasn't trying anymore? She was the one with the terrible ideas.

After fighting on the phone with her for nearly four hours, Dean had hung up on her, and he was sure he wouldn't hear the end of that for some time. If it weren't for Ben, he'd be gone. Dean wasn't his father. He wouldn't just leave Ben. He couldn't. The kid loved him. What kind of person just ditched out on something like that?

Dean ran a hand over his face. He just wanted to go back to bed. Reaching for his phone in the darkness of his bedroom, he wondered how many angry texts he would need to ignore to see what time it was. Miraculously, he only had two angry texts and a missed call. How about that.

The first text was Lisa saying, "Did you just hang up on me?"

The second was from after the missed call. Lisa had texted, "Call me. Now."

Well, that hadn't happened.

It was 11:00am.

Dean stretched lazily, wanting nothing more than to close his eyes and get back to sleep until he actually felt rested.

The details of the day started to filter through his mind. It was a Friday. He had Women's History that day if he actually felt like going.

And he had a test that day.

Shit! Dean sprang out of bed, grabbing the first shirt and pair of pants he found. He rushed to the kitchen to grab an eggo waffle or something that he could just grab and go.

Charlie stood in the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of orange juice. Fucking Charlie having Fridays off while he had to go take the class that she wanted him to take in the first place. He wanted to tell her just what he thought about her Fridays off, but he didn't. He knew he was just pissed, because he was running late.

His brief search was pointless. They didn't have anything quick. Dean grabbed a slice of bread, reaching around Charlie for the bag and tossing the loaf back on top of the fridge over Charlie's head. He snagged his house keys and ran for the door.

"Jeez, Dean. Where's the fire?" Charlie asked.

"Test in an hour," he said.

She looked at Dean with a surprised look on her face. "Shit, Dean. You'd better-," she said.

He was out the door before she could even finish her sentence. He took off running like a bat out of hell, sprinting down the sidewalk towards the Blue Line stop at Damen and Milwaukee. He tried to remember what this test was going to be about, but he had no clue. He'd ditched the class twice that week.

It was only the night before during his fight with Lisa that Dean had even remembered about the stupid test. She wanted to come over and fight face to face, but Dean, desperate for a way out of that nightmare, had grasped at straws and said that he had a test the next day that he needed to prepare for. Of course, he spent the rest of the night arguing with her anyway, but it did click something into place that reminded him about the test.

The class wasn't as bad as he'd feared when Charlie and Dorothy had first signed him up for it, but it was boring as hell, which made it very easy to ditch or sleep through. Needless to say, retaining the information that he needed to from this class was an uphill battle.

Dean kept running.

By the time he reached the Blue Line at Damen, it had been ten minutes. Fifty minutes until the test. The doors were blocked by police tape.

What.

Dean got closer to investigate. A couple of people milling around outside the stop were having idle conversation. Dean didn't care, he just wanted to know why he couldn't take the CTA.

"Can you believe they found a body down there?" one woman said.

Another woman asked quietly, "Is that why they shut down the Damen stop?" As interesting as a potential body on the CTA tracks was, it was hardly the first that had been found. They lived in Chicago after all.

Dean just wanted to go home and forget about the stupid test. But he couldn't. Lisa was convinced that Dean wasn't trying in their relationship. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he'd given up on it since all they ever did was fight anymore. But that didn't mean he wouldn't try like hell at everything else.

Dean approached the women and asked, "Damen's shut down? What about the rest of the Blue Line?"

"The trains are back up and running at Western," one of them said, "Nobody can get out to O'Hare, though."

Dean shouted a quick thanks and took off running for the Western stop. It was only a few blocks, nothing terrible. He had to wait at two lights.

Two. Freaking. Lights. There was no way he'd make it to his test on time. But he had to try.

By the time he reached the Western stop, he had forty-two fucking minutes until the test happened.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Dean ran up the steps to the platform. He whipped out his CTA pass so quickly, he almost thought he'd drop it. He exploded onto the platform in a flurry of anxious, rushing motion.

And the train pulled away from the station.

Dean stared after the train with anger and adrenaline rushing through his veins. Under his breath, he said, "Son of a bitch."


	48. Lucifer

Sam rushed passed Dean in the stairwell of their apartment building on his way out.

"Hey, Sam," Dean said, "Where you off to?"

Sam was late as it was. He couldn't stop to chat. He threw a quick "Luci's" over his shoulder as he ran out of the apartment.

Sam got to the sidewalk and started jogging towards Luci's house. He'd gotten the text that Luci needed him five minutes prior, and as per usual, Luci said jump and Sam asked how high.

He knew Luci would be upset if he got there late, so he ran even though it sent shock waves of pain radiating through his back. Sam had made the mistake of standing up to Luci about how aggressive he was all the time. Luci had gotten angry, telling Sam that if he loved him, he'd be able to accept him as is and not try to change him. Sam disagreed. That was when the kicking started.

Sam wasn't sure how long he'd be able to physically deal with all of this. Eventually, something had to give. He'd break a bone, and Sam would cover it up with lies and half-truths, explaining away an unspeakable situation. It was a situation he'd created for himself, though. He'd done this to himself. He'd wanted to get back together with Luci have he lost him the first time. It had been his choice. He knew back then that things weren't perfect between them. Sure, he had no idea how bad it would get, but he'd wanted Luci. He'd wanted to please him and protect him and keep him as happy and feeling loved as possible. And it all led to Sam wincing with each running step, running towards Luci's apartment filled with cold, sick dread.

Sam was actually shocked that he had the energy to run. These days, just waking up took effort. He didn't know what awaited him at Luci's, but he knew he wasn't going to like it. He hoped against hope that Luci needing him didn't mean that he wanted to have sex. He didn't think he'd be able to take the abuse so soon after the last time.

How had this become his life? He supposed the signs had been there since the beginning. Luci had always been rough and fast, never caring how he came across or who he hurt. Sam should've known. And yet, he did nothing.

Sam stopped outside of Luci's apartment building, taking a deep breath and steeling himself against whatever Luci wanted. No matter what it was, it was going to hurt. Everything with Luci hurt. But there was no way out. Luci would never let him leave, Sam knew that. So, Sam kept up the charade. He remembered the way he needed to hold his face so that Luci wouldn't see how much hurt he caused him. He knew the things he'd need to say, the motions he needed to go through to keep Luci from learning the truth that Sam didn't love him anymore. No one needed to know.

Sam knocked on Luci's apartment door and braced for the worst.

Luci opened the door, his eyes lighting up with happiness. "Sam!" he said, "Come in. I need your help."

"What's going on?" Sam asked.

Luci said, "I'm trying to figure out what to do for our anniversary."

"You mean our anniversary that just passed over the summer, because you're a little late," Sam said.

Luci frowned and said, "No, I mean our next one."

"Oh, next year. Okay, what do you want help with? And why are you planning this now?" Sam asked.

"Why not?" Luci asked, "You gonna break up with me anytime soon?"

Sam's heart stopped for a moment. What if he said yes? "What? No, of course not," he said quickly.

Luci grinned. "Good," he said, leading Sam into the living room, "I want to plan something big for next year. Remember when we saw all the Christmas lights out in the suburbs? I want to do something like that, something romantic. Just, y'know, when it's warmer out."

Sam looked at Luci as his boyfriend sank into the couch. Of course Sam remembered going to see the lights. It was one of the few happy memories that kept him going when Luci was at his worst.

"Well, that was something I was using as an idea anyway," Luci said.

"Something like seeing the lights? We could go to the beach," Sam said, "Walk on the shore maybe?"

"Yeah, we haven't been to the beach in a long time," Luci said, "That would be fun."

Sam smiled a little. For a moment, Luci had a look in his eye like he used to when he and Sam first got together, like Sam was precious and meant the world to him. It was a flicker of what used to be. But it was only a flicker. The look faded away quietly.

"Anyways, I was trying to think of something sappy to do with you, so I got you to come over," Luci said.

Why did he always have to do that? Anytime that they got even close to what they used to have, Luci would back away, put his walls up, insult Sam if necessary. And if Sam called him out on it, it would only end badly.

Sam sighed.

"What?" Luci asked.

Sam shrugged. "I'm sure whatever you come up with will be fine," he said.

Luci said, "I'm always the one that comes up with our plans and date ideas. You should figure it out this time."

"I can if you want me to," Sam said. It would be a cold day in hell before Luci would give up control like that.

Luci shook his head. "No, don't bother. We have very different tastes. I'm sure I'll hate whatever you come up with."

Sam trained his gaze on the ground and tried not to show how much that stung. There was a time when Luci would never have said something like that. Or maybe it was a time that Luci would've said that but Sam wouldn't have noticed. It was hard to tell where their relationship had turned sour and where it had already been decaying.

"Well, we have months to figure it out," Sam said, "I'm sure one of us will come up with a good idea before next summer considering Halloween hasn't even passed yet."

"You think I'm crazy for starting to plan this out now, don't you?" Luci said.

Sam shook his head. "There's nothing wrong with advanced planning. I just wouldn't stress out about it when we have so much time," he said. Or Sam could get hit by a bus on the way home and not have to deal with thinking about being in a relationship with Luci for another whole year.

"You know what? Maybe you should just go home," Luci said.

"What, why? Luci, I just got here," Sam said.

Luci said, "Well, maybe you should've thought about that before judging me."

"Luci, really?" Sam tried.

Luci gestured to the door and said, "Really."

Sam got up and headed for the door. It wasn't as if he'd wanted to go over there anyways.

"Call me when you've stopped being an ass," Luci said as Sam approached the stairwell.

Sam rolled his eyes and said, "Text me when you finally realize that you're overreacting."

As soon as the words were out, Sam regretted them. Luci got a dangerous look in his eye, and Sam wanted to be anywhere but there.

"What did you just say to me?" Luci asked, words dripping with venom.

"Luci, I-" Sam started. He never got to finish.

Luci shoved Sam's chest hard, knocking him off balance and down the stairs. The world bounced and swirled around him until he reached the landing in a painful heap.

"Shit, Sam. Are you okay?" Luci asked.

Sam groaned. All of his bruises stung from the trip down the stairs. Trying to stand, he realized that his ankle protested most of all. He shifted his weight to one leg and said, "Yeah, I'm fine. My ankle's a different story."

Luci smirked. "Serves you right for being a judgmental dick," he said.

Sam avoided eye contact until Luci retreated to his apartment. He hobbled out to the street and limped back home.

How had this become Sam's life? Waking up took effort, dying would be relief. He just wanted it to be over.


	49. She Brings Me Love

Charlie draped her bare leg over Dorothy's, sliding her leg up until she hooked it on Dorothy's hip.

"Don't you just love Fridays?" Charlie asked, smiling at her girlfriend.

"Having the entire day off with you every week?" Dorothy said, kissing Charlie quickly, "Absolutely."

Dorothy trailed her fingers up Charlie's naked side and asked, "So, what do you want to do with our abundant spare time today?"

Charlie rolled Dorothy over and straddled her nude girlfriend. "Well, our time today isn't all that abundant. Dean ran off late for his test. You know he'll come storming through that door, huffing about failing again."

Dorothy grinned and kissed a line between Charlie's breasts. "I know he'll come home, and you'll be interrogating him about the test before he can get a foot through the door," she said.

Charlie laughed. "You're not wrong," she said, massaging Dorothy's shoulders and arms, "I just feel so bad for forcing him into the class. I thought it would be good for him, and sometimes I think it is, but he's really struggling with caring about the material, and I feel like I came on too strong with forcing the class, so when he fails a test, I feel kind of responsible."

Dorothy caught one of Charlie's nipples gently between her teeth for a moment before releasing it and saying, "I think the class would be good for him if he actually went to class. If he passes or fails, either way, it's on him. You may have pushed him to take the class, but he's the one who can't be bothered to go."

Dorothy's hands skimmed over Charlie's sides and back while her mouth got busy kissing Charlie's neck.

Charlie said, "I know I shouldn't feel bad. I just hope his test goes well."

Dorothy pulled back from Charlie and asked, "Do you want to fool around, or do you want to talk about Dean?"

"Right. Sorry. Less talking," Charlie said.

Dorothy carded her fingers through Charlie's hair. "You can talk all you want. I just feel like Dean and his grades is not a very sexy topic," she said.

Charlie said, "That's fair." She rolled them over so that Dorothy now sat on top of Charlie.

Dorothy grinned down at Charlie and started lightly nibbling at her collarbone.

Charlie massaged her fingers through Dorothy's hair and asked, "So, what would you like to talk about?"

Dorothy pulled away for a brief second. "You," she said. She kissed along Charlie's neck and shoulder to accentuate her point.

Charlie giggled where Dorothy's lips found ticklish spots. "Me?" she asked.

Dorothy met Charlie's gaze with lust-blown eyes. "You," she said, "How good you taste and smell, how soft your skin is, how amazing you look when I've got you lying in bed like this."

"Is this what you really want?" Charlie asked. The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, and honestly, she was surprised they hadn't slipped out sooner.

"Are you serious?" Dorothy asked, visibly surprised.

Charlie could feel the embarrassed blush creeping across her face. She'd already said it outloud, so she pressed on. "Yeah," Charlie said, "Are you sure that this is what you want?"

Dorothy crawled off of Charlie and sat down on the bed next to her. It was official. Charlie had killed the mood, completely murdered it.

"Before I answer you, you need to tell me where this is coming from all of a sudden," Dorothy said.

Charlie sighed. "It's been kinda bugging me for a while," she said.

"What's 'a while'?" Dorothy asked, studying Charlie's face.

"Since a few days before the day you saw your parents on the train," Charlie said sheepishly.

"Charlie, that was nearly a year ago!" Dorothy said, "Why didn't you say something?"

Charlie sat up to be at eye level with Dorothy. "It never seemed like a good time to bring it up. You were really upset after seeing your parents. Then, it was the holidays. Then, it was Sam's graduation. Then, it was Dean and all his dad drama. Then, it was Sam's car accident. And then, it was right now."

"There were months of time between all of those things. You could've brought it up at any time," Dorothy said, "But that's not the point. Why would you think there would ever be a reason why I wouldn't want this?"

Charlie hesistantly said, "Because you've never been with anyone else but me and don't have a basis for comparison between me and other girls."

It sounded really stupid when it came out of her mouth.

Dorothy seemed to agree. "Wow," she said, "I suppose, in theory, there might be someone better out there. Seeing as they're not here, and I have no interest in meeting them, I think you have nothing to worry about."

"But-"

"No, this is a really easy, clean cut answer. I love you. I'd marry you if you weren't so freaked out by the idea. I've never questioned my feelings for you, I've never wanted anyone else so badly, and I have no plans on changing my mind about any of that," Dorothy said.

Charlie hugged Dorothy. "You're too perfect. I don't deserve you," she said.

Dorothy sighed and said, "Yes, you do." She slid back on top of Charlie. "Now that that's taken care of, can I please have sex with you?" Dorothy asked.

Charlie nodded.

Dorothy trailed kisses down Charlie's chest and stomach, Dorothy's breasts making Charlie's nerves sing. Dorothy pressed a kiss to Charlie's hip bone.

"But what if you get sick of me?" Charlie asked.

Dorothy gave a sigh and sat back from Charlie's vagina. "Why would I get sick of you?" Dorothy asked.

Charlie said, "Well, I'm being a total mood killer right now for starters."

"Yes, that is rather annoying. Not a deal breaker. Anything else?" Dorothy asked.

Charlie said, "I check out other girls even when you're with me."

"I'm aware," Dorothy replied.

"I snore."

"Sometimes."

"I don't want to get married."

"I think you'll come around to the idea eventually."

Charlie paused for a moment, sure she could come up with other negative attributes.

Dorothy said, "Charlie, how long have we been dating now?"

"Three years," Charlie said.

"Yep. Three years," Dorothy said, "That's three years that I've gotten to know you very well. Trust me, I'm aware of what I've gotten myself into. And I love it. I love you, all of you for everything you are."

Charlie grinned widely. "I love you, too," she said, "I'm sorry for interrupting. We can still have sex if you want to."

Dorothy asked, teasing, "Are you sure? We can just get up and have breakfast if you'd rather do that."

Charlie laughed and said, "I promise I won't keep talking."

Dorothy crouched back down to her position between Charlie's legs. "Like I said before, honey, you can talk all you want. Just something sexy, okay?" she said.

"Sexy talking only," Charlie said, "Got it."

Dorothy stroked a couple of fingers into Charlie's entrance, making all the nerves vanish from the red-head's face instantly. Charlie relaxed into the touch, gasping a little.

Dorothy was just about to get her tongue in on the action when the front door opened.

Dorothy glanced up at Charlie.

Charlie looked at Dorothy apologetically.

Dorothy retracted her tongue and all fingers.

"I'm sorry," Charlie said, slipping out of bed.

"It's not your fault," Dorothy said, "The universe was against me today. It's not like you won't want sex later anyway."

Charlie pulled on a shirt and pants. "You know me so well," she said.

Dorothy smiled and grabbed her own clothes. Just as they both were fully dressed, the apartment door opened again.

Dorothy said, "Huh, I guess the first time was Sam leaving?"

"Which means this has to be Dean," Charlie said, "Come on."

Charlie and Dorothy rushed out of their bedroom.

"Hi," Dean said, closing the door behind him.

Charlie asked instantly, "How was your test? Did it go okay? Did you study this time?"

Dean sighed and threw his backpack and jacket on a chair at the table. He sat across from his stuff and said, "It sucked. It sucked. And I tried."

Charlie knocked Dean's bag and jacket to the floor, earning a glare from him, and sat down ready to listen and talk, whichever was necessary. Getting Dean through this class was going to be a long bumpy road. At least she had Dorothy.


	50. Worlds Collide

There weren't words.

There weren't words enough to express how shocked and surprised and nervous Castiel was when he saw Dean sitting in his Women's History class.

There weren't words to explain how aggravated and embarrassed he was when he lost to Benny at foosball, which was entirely unfair. Dean distracted him. He had no business being that close.

And there most certainly weren't words to encompass how very badly Castiel wanted to kick himself for talking to Dean Winchester. Of all the words that Castiel could've said to Dean, these were not the ones he ever thought he'd say.

And yet.

"I think you owe Jo an apology."

Dean turned around in his seat to face Castiel, and Castiel's breath caught. His eyes were so green. He seemed slightly startled as if seeing Castiel for the first time.

"Who the hell are you?" Dean asked. He was drunk enough to be slurring. Fantastic.

Castiel said, "I'm in your history class."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that helps."

Castiel thought it did, considering they were literally the only two males in the class. "How drunk are you right now?" he asked.

"Not drunk enough," Dean said. He took another drink of his beer.

"You should really apologize to Jo," Castiel said.

Dean got to his feet and whined, "Fine."

Castiel followed Dean to make sure he didn't fall over.

Jo was wiping down a table. "Fuck off," she said angrily.

Dean looked at Castiel, who gave him a pointed look to continue.

Dean leaned over towards Jo and said, "Hey, I'm sorry. I was being a dick."

She nodded, "Yep. Grade-A asshole."

"Lisa and I broke up. I just needed to get wasted," Dean said.

Jo looked up at Dean. "Oh, honey," she said, "I'm sorry."

"It's 'kay. I'm gonna head out. Sorry again, Jo," Dean muttered.

Jo said quickly, "Castiel, could you please make sure he gets home okay?"

Castiel gave Jo a look. Dean started heading for the door.

"What the hell, Jo?" Castiel said quietly.

Jo smirked at him and said, "Thank me later."

Castiel sighed out of exasperation and followed after the inebriated Dean.

"The hell kind of name is Castiel?" Dean asked. He started to walk into the wall.

Castiel steered Dean to the door and ignored his question.

Once they were outside, Dean asked, "But seriously? Castiel? Whose idea was that?"

"My parents'," Castiel said.

"I'm gonna call you Cas," Dean slurred, almost laughing, "'s easier."

"Sure, Dean," Castiel said, "Now, where do you live?"

Dean staggered off down the street away from the Roadhouse. Castiel followed quickly.

"So, you're in Women's History?" Dean asked, "H'come I never see you?"

"Probably because you've ditched most of the class. I'm there every day," Cas said.

Dean nodded and said, "Makes sense." He stepped off the curb and almost face planted in the street.

Castiel caught him and pulled him back upright.

Dean started laughing.

"I fail to see what is so funny," Castiel said.

"I'm way more drunk than I thought," Dean said, "And that is pretty funny."

Walking with Dean when he was so drunk was a lot like walking with a two year old, no attention span complete with balance and coordination issues. But Cas had nowhere else he'd rather be.

After a while, Dean stopped dead in his tracks and looked at the buildings around them. "We went the wrong way," he said.

"What? How do you know?" Cas asked.

"I live near Damen and Division," Dean said.

Castiel took a deep breath. They had indeed gone the entirely wrong way. They should've gone north from the Roadhouse. "Okay," he said, "Then, let's turn around and head towards Damen and Division."

Dean kept walking the wrong way. Castiel physically turned him around, trying to ignore how good Dean's leather jacket felt under his fingers.

For the next two blocks, Dean kept trying to walk into the street. It was too late into the night to worry much about getting hit by cars, but Dean kept stumbling over the curbs. Eventually, Castiel just kept an arm around Dean's waist to keep him from falling and smashing his face. At least that's what Castiel told himself was the reason for being so close to Dean.

Dean didn't seem to mind, either. Though of course, Dean was incredibly drunk. Dean must've been in a lot of pain to want to drink so much.

"Why did you need to get so drunk?" Castiel asked. He was partially curious but partially amused by the fact that Dean stood a fifty-fifty chance of not remembering Cas even after all of this. This would be how their first interactions would go. Of course.

"Like I told Jo, Lisa dumped my ass," Dean said.

Dean almost lost balance, and Castiel righted him quickly. "Who is Lisa?" Cas asked, feigning ignorance. He assumed that Lisa was the woman he'd seen Dean with at the theater so very long ago, but he also knew that drinking wouldn't help Dean as much as talking about it would.

"She's such a bitch," Dean said.

For a minute, Cas thought that that was all Dean would say on the matter. But then the flood gates opened.

"That's the only thing I can say about her. She is such a bitch. We just fight all the time. It used to be fine. She used to be fun and awesome, and she's sexy as hell. But now it's just fighting. Fighting when I don't call her right away, fighting when I don't get to her place on time, fighting when I don't take her out enough, fighting when she wants me to move in. And honestly, anyone could tell you that us moving in would be a bad idea. Hell, she even fought with me when Ben called me 'dad' on accident. How big of a stick do you need up your ass to fight over that shit?"

"Who's Ben?" Cas asked.

"Her son," Dean said, "And he's the best. He's the best kid, and he's smart. He's just awesome. But he sees me as a kind of father figure. And that's fine. I'd be honored to be that kid's dad. But I'm not his dad as Lisa so lovingly reminded me. Fucking bitch wouldn't even let me say goodbye to him. Who does that? Even as shit as things were with me and Lisa, I never woulda walked out on that kid. Ben's awesome, man. I got no idea what she's gonna say to him about me being gone. Probably some bullshit. But I would never leave that kid, not after how my dad left me. Even if my dad hadn't done that shit, I would never leave Ben. No way. I'd walk through hell for that kid."

"Sounds like you really love him," Cas said.

Dean said, "I do! I really do. But Lisa's a bitch. Wouldn't even let me say goodbye. So, I needed to get drunk. It was either get drunk or lose my fucking mind. So, I'm drunk. And I need to piss."

Dean broke away from Castiel and walked into the nearest alley. The second he heard Dean's fly unzip, Cas turned right around to give Dean privacy. It would do his mind absolutely no good to see any of what Dean had going on. The poor guy was straight and heartbroken. The most Cas could ever be to him was a friend. That was okay, but that definitely meant that Cas could in no way, shape, or form peek at what was going on behind him.

Dean got himself situated and walked back over to Cas, wrapping an arm around Cas' waist this time. Cas tried to remind himself that Dean was drunk, but he was still pretty sure that his heart was beating so fast that it was vibrating his entire being. He hoped that Dean was too drunk to notice.

They stopped at the corner of Damen and Division. Dean looked at Cas, staring into his eyes. "You're pretty great, Cas," Dean said.

Cas tried to control his smile. They were way too close for Dean to be saying such things. Cas tried desperately not to look at Dean's lips. He failed.

"You're great, too, Dean," Cas said.

"Nah, I'm a mess," Dean said, "But you. You're like a saint or something, walking me home like this. You're awesome."

Cas didn't know what to say to that. His brain couldn't process the words.

"Your eyes are so blue," Dean said softly.

Cas cleared his throat. He didn't want Dean to do something while drunk that he'd just regret later. "We should, uh, we should get you home," Cas said, "Which one's yours?"

"It's another couple blocks up. Damen and Crystal. I'll show you," Dean said. He started crossing the street as a car sped by. Cas grabbed Dean's arm, pulling him back before any harm could come to him.

When the coast was clear, Cas helped Dean get to his building without Dean being injured in any way.

Dean pointed to a building on their left and said, "That's the one. Buzz the name Winchester."

Castiel studied the buzzer panel, not seeing Winchester anywhere. He was starting to think Dean had led them to the wrong building when he spotted it.

Cas buzzed, and the door popped open in no time. A tall, long-haired man looked from Cas to Dean. "What the hell? Dean?" he asked.

Dean smiled widely in reply.

"I don't know who Lisa is," Cas said, "But apparently she's a bitch and Dean's been drinking because of it for whatever reason. He does live here, yes?"

The guy nodded, taking Dean off of Cas. "You want to come inside? It's freezing out here," he offered.

Cas shrugged a quick, "Sure."

Dean struggled out of the guy's grasp. "I can walk," he said, defensive. Dean made it two steps before face planting over the threshold.

"Graceful as ever, Dean," the guy commented.

Cas snickered as they picked him up off the ground.

"Shut up, Sam," Dean said, leaning on both Cas and Sam, apparently, as they made their way slowly up the stairs. Once inside the apartment, Sam and Cas laid Dean down on the couch.

"I'm Sam," Sam said, "Dean's brother."

"My name is Castiel," he said, "But Dean seems to prefer calling me Cas."

"Well, it's good to meet you, Cas. Thanks for getting my brother home safe. I hope he didn't get too out of hand," Sam said.

"He was fine. He got a bit mouthy with Jo. He told her to blow him," Cas said.

Sam asked, shocked, "He said what to Jo?"

"Yeah, it was not a good moment. He apologized, though."

"He apologized?!"

"Yes," Cas said, "I asked him to."

"Wow. That's...wow," Sam said, "Well, it's pretty late. You wanna stay the night?"

"What?" Cas asked.

"It's cold out, and it's way too late to be out right now. You can crash here for the night if you want," Sam said.

Cas said, "I appreciate the gesture, but Dean is already asleep on the couch. I wouldn't want to be taking someone's bed."

Sam chuckled and said, "You could take Dean's bed. It's not like he's using it tonight."

Cas knew he should turn down the offer, but he didn't have any other sleep arrangements lined up, and he did want to make sure that Dean was okay in the morning. And some quiet part of his mind really wanted to know what Dean's bedroom looked like.

"I'd love to stay the night. Thank you, Sam," Cas said.

Sam smiled and said, "Great! I'll show you where his room is. It's the least we can do for you taking care of Dean tonight. I still can't believe you got him to apologize while he was drunk. He's not good at apologies sober. We're gonna have to keep you around."

Cas gave Sam a small smile. He liked the idea of being around more. And Dean's bed was the most comfortable thing he'd ever laid down in.

Before falling asleep, Cas sent Gabriel a text. He wrote, "I just had the best night of my life. Better than walking in the city over the summer. Best night ever. I'm in Dean Winchester's bed right now. Good night."

As he closed his eyes, Cas could hear Dean snoring softly from the couch in the living room. And Cas had never slept better.


	51. Americana

Fuck everything. Gabriel glared at the ceiling. All he was trying to do was get all of his belongings packed up into garbage bags, and his family couldn't stop fighting long enough for him to even do that in peace.

It was mid-October. Halloween was just around the corner, and he'd be done with all of this nonsense. Tomorrow, he would put in his two-week notice at the campus library, and everything would fall into place. Castiel, the only person who could possibly thwart him, was so busy falling all over himself because of sharing a class with Dean that he had absolutely no idea what Gabriel was planning. It felt terrible lying to his best friend, but he couldn't keep doing this.

Another crash came from upstairs, and Gabriel flinched. Yeah, he really couldn't keep dealing with that. Every angry noise felt like a knife in his chest. Gabriel had almost finished bagging up his DVDs when Raphael screamed.

That did it.

Gabriel dropped his copies of the Lord of the Rings movies into the bag and stormed upstairs. He threw open the upstairs door to find his dad cornering a terrified Raphael.

"And just what is going on here?" Gabriel shouted. His father jumped at the sound, and it gave Gabriel a sick sense of pride.

"Get out," his dad said.

"Sorry, pops," Gabriel said, "I can only take so much of you bullying your kids before I gotta do something. I'm not going anywhere until you lay off."

Gabriel's dad straightened up and turned away from Raphael, facing Gabriel head on.

Gabriel could smell the alcohol coming off of his dad from across the room. He shook out his arms and bent his legs a few times. It had been a while since he'd done this.

"You do not want to mess with me today, boy," his father said.

Gabriel sighed and said, "Guess I'm just a glutton for punishment."

His dad took a couple faltering steps towards him, and Raphael darted away to his room. Gabriel's father ran at him, but Gabriel danced just out of reach. He ducked his father's punches, he narrowly avoided a few kicks, and his dad got more and more frustrated with each miss.

"Just stop moving, goddamnit!" his dad shouted.

"Why? So you can kill me? I don't think so," Gabriel said, "If anyone's gonna kill me, it's gonna be me."

Gabriel's dad stopped and looked at his son for a moment.

Gabriel almost rolled his eyes. There was no way that his dad, after all of this, would give two fucks about Gabriel's death.

"What, you suicidal now?" his dad asked between huffing breaths.

"Maybe I am. What do you care?" Gabriel asked.

His dad said, "Figures. You were always a coward."

Gabriel clenched his fists. "Coward?" Gabriel shouted, swinging at his dad full force, "You call me a coward? Your the one who beats his kids!"

He landed a hit on his dad's jaw. His dad stumbled backward.

Gabriel's knuckles stung. He started to shake out his hand as his dad grabbed him by the neck and pinned him to the wall. Gabriel saw stars. He clawed at his dad's hands, desperate for air.

"Why fight?" his dad asked, "You're the one who wants to die."

Gabriel kicked at his dad's knee. His dad roared in pain, and threw Gabriel across the room. Gabriel landed in a bruised heap at the foot of the couch.

Fuck this.

Before his dad could come any closer, Gabriel got himself back on his feet and ran for the door. He wanted to say a last one-liner, one last jab to have the final word, to show his dad that he wasn't beaten. But he had nothing left.

Gabriel did something he'd never done before when fighting his father. He ran.

He flew out the door, down the stairs, and out onto the street. That was not the way he'd imagined that encounter going down when he initially went upstairs to defend his brother.

Fucking hell.

Gabriel just wanted to punch something or get horribly wasted, but he wouldn't be his father. Gabriel took a deep breath. He couldn't off himself yet; he hadn't finished packing or quit his job. And like hell was he going to let his father disrupt his plans for enjoying one last Halloween. He decided to take a page out of Castiel's book and started walking.

As he walked, he tried to shake the sting out of his limbs and clear his mind off all the anger and self-loathing that bounced around in there. He felt like shit for running away. In his twenty-four years, he'd never run from a fight with his dad. Maybe he was a coward.

He took another deep breath. Maybe he should text Castiel like his friend always asked him to when some shit like this happened.

Gabriel just kept walking. The night was still, the air in Chicago crisp and cold. He shoved his hands into his pockets when he heard a sound. It was a dull thud followed by more thuds. Punching, maybe?

Curiosity got the better of him. Gabriel followed the sound to see a kid slamming his fist into the brick wall of an alley. Maybe kid wasn't the right word. This guy was easily a foot taller than Gabriel was. The guy stopped punching with a pained hiss and slid to the ground with his fist wrapped in his shirt. The poor guy looked like he was having a worse night than Gabriel was. The kid slammed his free fist into the wall next to him. He was just gonna hurt his other fist that way.

Gabriel walked over and said, "Whoa. Hey, that's quality brick you're roughing up there."

The moose of a guy eyed Gabriel warily. The street light reflected off of the guy's long hair in a nearly hypnotic way. Gabriel had to rein himself in. No checking out the kid who clearly had enough to deal with without Gabriel finding him attractive.

"Just kidding," Gabriel said quickly. The kid seemed terribly apprehensive about Gabriel. It only made sense since nobody out this late was ever up to any good. He crouched to be eye level with the guy. "What are you doing out here so late, kid?" he asked.

The kid replied, "I could ask you the same thing." Well, that was true.

Gabriel nodded and sat down next to the guy. "Fair enough," he said. For a few moments, they sat in silence. Gabriel wondered why the hell he was even sitting there with this guy.

Finally, the guy looked at Gabriel and let his guard down. His shoulders slumped, his head leaned back against the brick. Honestly, he just seemed exhausted.

The kid broke the silence first. "I'm trying to avoid going home," he said.

Gabriel looked at the kid and hoped the poor guy's home life wasn't anything like his own.

A light turned on inside one of the buildings, allowing a window to illuminate part of the alley. Gabriel saw that the guy was exquisite. He was somewhere around Gabriel's age, probably younger. His features were sharp and strong. He was downright gorgeous. But his eyes. His bright, hazel eyes betrayed pain and ache that mirrored Gabriel's own.

That was the moment Gabriel realized that the kid was studying him just as carefully. Gabriel smoothed down his disheveled hair. Quickly, he shifted his gaze to the wall across the way from them rather than keep staring at the beautiful man next to him. He tried to maintain a semblance of normalcy.

"Oh, yeah?" Gabriel said, responding after a moment, "Same for me, actually."

"Really?" the kid asked.

"Yeah, my dad's going at it with my brothers again. Not quite my scene tonight," Gabriel said. He decided against going into more detail than that.

The kid nodded, understanding. Gabriel started to worry even more about what kind of shit this guy had seen or been through.

"How about you?" Gabriel asked.

The guy shrugged, his gaze dropping to his knees, and said, "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Really? You're not going to share your personal drama with a perfect stranger? I see how it is," Gabriel said with mock anger. His sarcasm made the kid smile a little. It made Gabriel feel a little lighter, and it encouraged him to continue. "Well, your loss," he said, "Perfect opportunity for a non-biased audience. But you don't want to talk about it. I get it."

"It's my boyfriend," the kid said hesitantly.

Of course the guy had a boyfriend. No one that beautiful would just be single. That was ridiculous. Gabriel recognized the kid's hesistation as a test, seeing if he was some ass-backwards bigot. He schooled his expression, keeping his face open and relaxed. Last thing he wanted was for this kid to mistake his disappointment over the gorgeous moose's relationship status for judgment or ignorance regarding the kid's sexuality. He waited for the kid to continue.

"We haven't been doing well lately," the guy said, "Haven't for a while actually. I don't think I love him anymore to be honest."

There was some stupid part of Gabriel's mind that was doing backflips. But rather than being excited about the kid's obvious pain, Gabriel said nothing.

The guy took Gabriel's silence as an invitation to continue. "He's been really awful, but now I know I can't leave, and it just sucks."

Considering Gabriel met this guy playing bloody knuckles with a brick wall, the part about being 'really awful' made Gabriel cock his head to the side out of curiosity.

The poor kid removed his cut up fist from his shirt and pulled up his sleeve. There were finger sized bruises wrapping around his wrist and forearm. "Awful," the guy reiterated.

Gabriel couldn't help himself. He reached out and gently touched the marked up skin. "I see," he muttered. Gabriel would have a matching set around his neck in a few hours.

The kid took back his arm and slid his sleeve back down to his fingertips. "I'm just not okay enough to go home right now," he concluded.

Gabriel really wanted this kid to be okay. If he had his way, he'd walk the guy home himself, find out where his so-called boyfriend lived, and beat the living piss out of him for making this poor kid have anything in common with Gabriel. They had way too much in common, actually. Someone who was supposed to love them wound up beating on them and torturing them instead. It was the worst common ground to have.

And he cared. He cared about this poor kid that he just met so much that he couldn't take it. His heart broke for the kid in a rush of emotion that he didn't know he even had anymore. Suddenly, the world was far too loud, and everything was just too much.

Gabriel nodded in understanding and got to his feet. "I get that," he said, stretching. He took a breath, trying to hide his exploding emotions with movement and a controlled voice. He brushed off his pants and said, "Kid, it's your life, I'm not gonna tell you what to do. But, as hard as it is, you should probably get home. It's late, and the next guy you run into may not be as nice as me."

The kid slowly got up. "You're probably right," he said.

Gabriel needed to get away fast, but not so fast as to freak out his new acquaintance. But he was going to lose it. He could feel it. Gabriel started to walk away.

Before he could really leave, though, the guy asked, "Hey, what's your name?"

Gabriel turned around to face him from just outside the alley. The street light shined off of the kid, making him stand out from the darkness. He didn't want the kid to see how broken he was. The poor guy had enough on his plate. So, Gabriel slapped on a grin and said, "You show me yours, I'll show you mine."

"I'm Sam."

"The name's Gabriel," he said.

Sam paused for a moment, searching for words. He said, "Thank you, Gabriel, for listening."

Gabriel sighed and shoved his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket. "No need to thank me. Just take care of yourself," he said. God, he sounded just like Castiel. That thought nearly pushed him over the edge.

Sam nodded once, giving Gabriel a small smile, and walked away.

Gabriel started to walk away, but he turned around, watching Sam leave. Should he get Sam's number? A last name? Should he walk him home? Gabriel wanted to smack himself. He was going to be dead in two weeks. This was not the time to start forming attachments to people in abusive situations. Of course, when said people looked so good walking away, it definitely became a topic for debate.

Gabriel flung himself back into the alley that he and Sam had just been in. For the first time in a long while, he wasn't numb.

And it sucked. Horribly.

He wanted to scream and punch something. At the same time, he felt amazing, exhilerated. He kept thinking about Sam. That kid needed a friend bad. The whole nighttime-in-an-alley thing was really a terrible idea.

Much like his suicide plans.

He now knew exactly how Castiel had felt after he walked through the city that one night. He felt alive for once. He'd helped that kid just by listening, and it felt amazing.

But he was now presented with a problem that Castiel didn't have. He had this encounter with only two weeks left to live. And it hurt, knowing that he'd lied to his best friend for so long about it. It hurt that he'd been driven to this point where dying seemed like the best option. It hurt knowing that he'd probably never see Sam again.

Gabriel sat down in the alley, right where he'd been when Sam had been sitting next to him. He wanted to weep for the kid. Why did bad things happen to sexy people?

Gabriel looked at the spot that Sam had occupied moments before. The pain in that boy's eyes hurt more than his own. It made him sad and hurt and angry all at once. More than anything, after meeting Sam, Gabriel felt stronger.

He felt it radiating through his core, a simple truth that exploded and permeated everything at once.

Gabriel didn't want to die.

He wanted to see Halloween and many more Halloweens after that. He wanted to listen to music and watch movies. He wanted to run through the city streets and see the architecture of old buildings. He wanted to experience something new. He wanted to see Sam again, even just for a moment. He wanted to live.

At that moment, something broke inside of Gabriel. A wall of emotions that he'd built up over the years, a deep hurt that he'd covered with sarcasm and razor blades, a failing facade that everything was fine.

Gabriel collapsed in on himself and cried. But it was the best feeling. He was feeling everything again as if it were the first time. Life was a lot like his father, they both beat him senseless for no reason. But Gabriel was going to win this fight. He knew he was winning just because he was still breathing.

As Gabriel slowly calmed down and collected himself, he realized that he felt better than he had in a long, long time. He picked himself up, brushed himself off, and thanked his lucky stars that he had met Sam.

So, Gabriel went home. He dumped out all of his garbage bags of stuff, and he put everything back where it belonged. He kissed his copy of the Fellowship of the Ring as he put it back on his shelf. He started seeing the promise in living in the downstairs flat. He could find a cheap couch, maybe set up a small entertainment area. He could decorate his bedroom. The first thing he would do in setting up his living space was put a bowl full of candy on the kitchen counter just like Castiel had once suggested.

Gabriel suddenly felt the intense need to talk to his best friend. After everything, there was so much Gabriel needed to tell him. He grabbed his phone from his bedroom and opened it to see that Castiel had texted him just moments before.

After reading it, Gabriel nearly dropped the phone. "I just had the best night of my life. Better than walking in the city over the summer. Best night ever. I'm in Dean Winchester's bed right now. Good night."

Gabriel's grin took up his entire face. His stuff could wait. He had time. He had all the time in the world.

He dialed Castiel's number instantly. After a couple rings, Castiel's voicemail picked up.

"Oh, no. You are not allowed to send me a text like that and not answer your phone," Gabriel said into Castiel's answering machine, "Unless you're not answering for good reason. But I need details, man. You can't just leave me hangin' like this. Anyways, call me back. I've got stuff to tell you. I hope you're getting laid. Bye."

Gabriel hung up and looked around. Seeing all of the blank space of his flat, something hopeful started to bloom in his chest.

When he went to sleep that night, he dreamt of the beautiful stranger that finally woke him up.

In the end, he was alive.

Endings are hard, but sometimes they're not all that bad. Dean, Sam, Charlie, and Dorothy became a family. Castiel became a braver, freer person. And in the end, Gabriel lived. Sure, they went through some hardships, and there would only be more on the road ahead, but they learned to love and to live. And, well, isn't that kind of the whole point?

Endings are the worst. There's always something missed, something left unexplained. They're always hinting at some bigger meaning that more often than not gets lost in translation. It's a nightmare.

But then again, nothing ever really ends, does it? Sometimes, an ending is just a beginning.


End file.
